Things you just don't talk about
by Enodia
Summary: ""Do you enjoy sex?" Shikamaru asked bluntly. I just can't believe I'm talking about this, and with Shikamaru, of all people, Sakura thought." Sakura is in for a surprise. Or, rather, a series of surprises. Shikasaku. Lemon.
1. Chapter 1

"Still, I think you could use a drink."

Sakura looked up. They were nearly at the end of the project and Shikamaru was not the kind of man to hand out invitations sparingly. He was always polite and easygoing (if one was willing to overlook his lack of enthusiasm over most things and sarcastic remarks on the general state of said things) but he made it very clear that while he gave a hundred percent of his talent and dedication to his work, his free time was his own to use as he wished.

In the five weeks they spent trying to figure out some of the old Nara family scrolls that were supposed to aid Sakura in dealing with a new type of nasty poison, he never invited her for anything. He hardly talked to her – outside work, that is. The moment he finished cleaning his table and putting away all the neatly labeled dishes with the latest results in their experiments, he said goodbye and left. Not a question on how she planned to spend her free time, not a word about his own. Sakura supposed that he still played shogi and watched clouds – he did not, could not change so much between fifteen and twenty -, but if he did, he did not mention it.

He was still watching her with his usual bored look, as if it didn't really matter what she answered. Sakura felt an almost irresistible urge to say no, then realized that it was pointless. The knee-jerk reaction was just a reflex that she had no reason to sustain any more. The reason of all these short but friendly refusals of dates, lunches and drinks ceased to exist six days ago.

He wasn't dead. She didn't wish him to be dead. Not after all that time she and Naruto spent wishing and hoping feverishly for him to be alive and well and return to them safely. No. If any of these thoughts cropped up, she pushed them out of her head.

On the other hand, she really wished for him to get some mild but painful and humiliating form of STD from that whore she found him with. Or maybe just some really, really embarrassing situation would do. Like getting drunk, tearful and throwing up in public. Or admitting aloud in the Green Lantern that he was gay. Or…

No. Sasuke Uchiha didn't do embarrassed. He was cold as a cucumber even when she opened the door and found him pumping some unknown black-haired girl on the livingroom floor. Not even the bedroom, mind you. And she was the one who turned tomato red and turned and fled from his house. He just looked at her coldly and said 'it was over anyway' before he turned back to the other girl.

"So?" Shikamaru asked. "I'm willing to wait patiently till you make up your mind but the bars might close by that time, you know."

His voice held none of that sarcastic tone that he used with most people – it was kind, almost gentle.

She found herself smiling.

"Sorry. I'm just a bit tired. Yes – yes, I'd like to go and have a drink with you."

He flashed her a sudden half-smile.

"Good. Get your things and let's go."

They were sipping their sake and Sakura found herself watching Shikamaru from the corner of her eye. She only dated Sasuke for four months but he monopolized her time so much that she felt now as if she had spent these months in exile.

There was a time when she and Shikamaru were friends. Close friends, even. They did some very risky missions together, shared joys and griefs. When did he turn into this silent, tall, muscular man sitting next to her on a bar stool, nursing his drink?

At least his eyelashes were just as long as they used to be. She found this thought so funny that she had to giggle.

"Hmmm?" Shikamaru turned his face toward her. "What's so funny?"

"Your eyelashes," Sakura blurted out. This sounds crazy, she thought. She could hardly suppress another giggle.

"What's wrong with them?" Shikamaru asked curiously.

"Nothing. It's just… I always thought that your lashes are perfect. Wasted on a boy, in fact. And as I looked at your profile right now, I realized they haven't changed. Oh God. I think the sake is getting into my head."

"Not yet," Shikamaru said in a matter-of-fact voice. "Your perception is valid, your eyesight 20/20. When I looked in the mirror this morning, I really did have eyelashes."

There was nothing mocking or humorous in his tone, it was a simple admission of facts but Sakura still laughed.

_He really is handsome,_ Sakura thought. _Not as handsome as Sasuke, but…_

_No. No. Don't think of him._

She felt a little spark of her own old self lighting up. To hell with him. There is a limit to what she would give to a man, any man. Her life, yes. Her heart, yes. Her mind and soul? Questionable but possible. But her dignity? No.

Fuck him.

She poured herself another cup of sake and drank.

"Bad news?" Shikamaru asked gently.

"You mean I look like as if I wanted to kill someone? Well, I guess you heard what happened."

"There were some rumours going around," Shikamaru admitted. His fingers were tapping a slow rhythm on the wood of the counter. "Although I don't know how much, if any, of those rumours is true."

"That depends on what you heard."

She watched his profile – calm, unmoving. Peaceful. He took a sip of his cup then said, "Rumour said you found your boyfriend, Sasuke Uchiha in bed with another woman."

Sakura snorted. "Another woman, yes. Bed, no. The livingroom floor did just fine as I could see. I hope her ass is full of splinters."

Shikamaru started to laugh then tried to mask it as a cough, but Sakura suddenly felt inclined to join in. Now that she thought of it, it was kind of funny. Funny in a grating and annoying and painful way, but funny nevertheless. Sasuke on the floor, with his naked ass sticking in the air… talk about dignity.

"So, what do you think?" Sakura asked when they returned to their drinks.

She expected one of the standard answers that her friends reacted with, ranging from "that jerk!" to "he'll come back to you, don't worry", but Shikamaru was unpredictable, as always. Behind the aloof, sleepy exterior there was a mind that was one of the sharpest in Konoha.

"Do you want my sympathy or do you want the truth?" Shikamaru asked in his usual bored voice.

Sakura didn't waste a minute thinking about that.

"Truth. I can get sympathy from anyone."

Was there a flash of acknowledgement in his eyes?

"Very well. Then my answer is, good for you. In other words, the gods love you."

Sakura spinned her sake cup slowly between her fingers.

"Why?"

Her voice was so small that Shikamaru had to lean closer to her.

"First of all, you have no regrets. You tried your best and it wasn't enough and that's all. It's painful, but there's not much you could do. You both gave each other a chance and it didn't work out. Second, you didn't waste a lot of time on it. There are quite a few people around who only found out that they simply couldn't bear the other person after they got married, maybe even had children. A situation like that is as close to misery as it can get. Third, you found it out in a way that left no room for lies or false hope. A clean break, in other words."

Shikamaru was playing with his sake cup, too. His hands were strong but elegant, long fingers, perfectly shaped nails.

When he spoke again, his voice was just as low as hers.

"Just think about it, Sakura. I know how you felt all those years, you and Naruto and Kakashi sensei. Worrying about him, fearing each messenger that they would bring the news of his death… It would have been a wound that never healed. But he came back. He actually asked you out. There was a chance that it would work. But it didn't. And you found it out before you were tied down in an unhappy marriage for the rest of your life. End of story."

She raised her eyes from the counter and found his. There was no pity in them and no curiosity, just silent understanding and maybe a little sadness.

She had no idea why she asked the next question.

"And what do you really think about it all?"

There was no mistaking the silent appraisal in his eyes this time. He turned toward her fully, resting his right elbow on the counter and shook his head.

"He's a moron," he said in an amused voice. "But really! Just think of it! He comes home after being a missing nin for years. His childhood sweetheart is still willing to give him a chance. He actually manages to get into a relationship with her and she's a strong, devoted, smart girl who's willing and able to help him if he only let her – but no! He lets her go for a floozy who has no assets to talk of beside her boobs! How thick can he be?"

A curl of his hair fell into his face and with an impatient gesture Shikamaru took the tie off his ponytail, shook his head so that his hair fell on his shoulders then with a swift movement he smoothed down his hair and tied it again.

Sakura was aware that her mouth somehow opened but no words came out. She quickly put the cup to her lips to mask her astonishment.

Seeing Shikamaru with his hair down was like seeing Kakashi without a mask – an experience of a lifetime.

She felt her face get hot.

_Only a week ago,_ she told herself. _Calm yourself._

But her mind could not close itself off from Shikamaru's words, just like she could not take her eyes off his face. It was true – only one side of the truth, but true nevertheless.

If she could sincerely admit to anyone why she was still willing to give a chance to Sasuke when he appeared in Konoha after all those years, it wasn't because she wanted to fall in love with him again. If they had not had that long and sometimes painful history together, if she'd met him just when he came back to the village, she probably wouldn't have fallen for him. But as things were, it was like a lingering promise fulfilled at last.

Maybe what she wanted was not Sasuke as a person. Maybe it was a concept, an ideal of romantic love. The promise that broken things do not always stay broken, that there is a way to make everything all right.

She was always a sucker for these things, Sakura thought. She never wanted to see what was there to see, obvious to anyone else. She wanted to see Tsunade as a strong, clever woman instead of an old drunkard. She wanted to see Kakashi sensei as the very best, a shinobi so dedicated to the defense of Konoha that he had simply no time left for personal relationships, instead of seeing him as the social retard he probably was. And she still saw Sasuke as the prodigy he used to be, the strong, smart and handsome young shinobi, instead of the bitter, broken and empty-eyed young man he became.

Only Naruto stayed the same – she loved him, always, but she was always pleasantly surprised when he surpassed her (minimal) expectations again and again.

Maybe expectations are a burden on a person, she mused.

"What are you thinking about?" Shikamaru asked. By now they almost finished the bottle of sake and Sakura wondered if she should go home. But it was such a long time ago that she felt so relaxed, so… so safe! She wasn't worried what Sasuke would think or how he would feel or what he would need. She didn't have to make plans or even to make an effort to keep the conversation going. Shikamaru seemed to have a different kind of silence than Sasuke did. It was a comfortable, cozy silence instead of an empty one.

"I was just thinking about expectations," she said slowly.

Shikamaru nodded. "Expectations. So, so troublesome. Personally, I avoid anything like that whenever I can. Too much stress."

It was so like him to put it like that.

"There are so many things you avoid that I'm not even sure you got a life," Sakura shot back.

Shikamaru raised his eyebrows sarcastically. "What, working twelve hours a day isn't enough of a life? You surprise me."

"Well, what do you do in your free time?" Sakura asked.

"Isn't it too late to play twenty questions now?"

"No, really. I want to know. You used to hang out with your team a lot, and when I went anywhere with Ino you were quite often around somewhere, giving us those nasty little remarks of yours about how girls only think about makeup and stuff. Now suddenly you're turning into some sort of a mystery man, and…"

Shikamaru laughed. "No secret, really. It's just... You know, with Chouji and Ino dating, I just don't want to hang out with them that much. Fifth wheel and all that. Also, I love Ino, I really do, but she's an expert at getting on my nerves. She was a natural to begin with and then she had years and years of practice…"

Sakura found herself nodding fast. Ino could still make her blood boil with a casual remark about her forehead or her bra size without even trying. It was a sure sign of how awful things got to be with Sasuke that Ino avoided talking about him whenever she could, and if she had to, she was always cheery and positive. It creeped Sakura out. Whenever her best friend turned from a nosy, loud bitch into a fairy godmother, Sakura knew that things were going very bad indeed.

"…but I still like cloud-watching. And the usual things. Reading, movies… and of course there's sex."

Sakura choked on her drink and started to cough. When she looked at Shikamaru, she felt her face getting hot again.

Shikamaru eyed her worriedly.

"I'm sorry, Sakura… You're not a virgin, are you? I mean I didn't suppose that you… Since you dated Lee and then Sasuke, I just didn't think…"

Sakura tried to regain her dignity and assured Shikamaru that she wasn't a virgin.

"Then…it's not something… mission-related, is it? Because…"

"No, no, no! No, thank God!" Sakura said hurriedly. "I don't do those types of missions, I mean… Oh…"

Shikamaru gave a long and relieved sigh. "Good. For a moment I thought…"

He looked at Sakura curiously.

"What's the problem, then? If I may be so bold as to ask. You know, just because in this enlightened age of ours the word 'sex' in itself usually does not elicit such a strong reaction."

Sakura tried to dodge the question.

"I didn't know you were dating someone."

"I'm not, " Shikamaru answered, unfazed.

"Then…" Sakura blushed again and she hated it, and she hated herself for it, too. She was nineteen years old, almost twenty, and a jounin and a grown-up woman and there was no way, no way in hell that she would want Shikamaru to think that she was still naive and childish and…

"Sakura," Shikamaru said and took her hand. "It's all right."

There was, again, no pity or contempt in his eyes. "It's a very natural thing to suppose that these things go together, but that's not always the case. But let me repeat my original question. What's wrong?"

Sakura cast down her eyes, searching for an answer. Her hands were clasped together tightly, but Shikamaru's left hand almost covered both. His hand was warm, warmer than hers. Her bare knees were safely embedded between Shikamaru's knees which were covered by the thick, rough material of the regular jounin pants. It was somehow familiar. The whole scene was familiar.

They were used to being physically close. The laboratory was small and they had enough missions together to remember each other's habits. Leaning on the other's shoulder or brushing hands and elbows was a common occurrence, even sharing a chair when taking turns at the microscope.

"Sakura. We don't have to talk about this. Sorry for asking."

Sakura again felt that little inner spark lighting up.

"No," she said slowly. "I'd like to. But maybe not here…?"

She looked around hesitantly. The bar was beginning to fill up and the level of noise was steadily increasing.

"You're right," Shikamaru said, frowning. "My place? It's actually nearer."

The street was colder than Sakura thought. They were walking side by side in comfortable silence.

"So you're not dating anyone at the moment?" she asked.

Shikamaru laughed and shook his head.

"Any reason?"

"You mean beside turning into a werewolf at every full moon? No, not much."

"Don't be such a jerk. What happened to Temari?"

It was too dark to see well but Sakura thought she saw a sad little frown.

"She's quite well, thanks. I just got a letter from her two days ago."

His voice sounded quite normal and he walked with his usual long, lazy steps but Sakura felt a pang in her heart and she knew that she made a big blunder.

"I'm sorry," she said timidly. "I didn't mean to hurt you. It's just… I like Temari and I thought…"

"No, it's okay."

He put his hands into his pockets and shrugged. "No drama. It's just… we found we wanted different things in life and considering everything we're better off as friends."

Sakura bit her tongue so as not to ask anything, but there was no need. Shikamaru went on talking.

"She didn't want a family and didn't want to get married. She's… she has problems with that."

"I know that," Sakura said. "She told me once that her mother died when she gave birth to Gaara and what a heartbreaking and sad and sordid thing it was…"

"Yeah," Shikamaru said. "The problem is, I'll be the head of my clan once my father retires or dies and I just have to get married and have children. But I'm sure you're sick of all this clan thing."

"No, it's okay. Although I have to admit that was one of the things Sasuke and I constantly argued about."

"Why? You don't want to have children either? I know he wants to revive his clan, I'm sick of hearing about it. It's such a nice night, let's not spoil it by talking about Sasuke."

"No, it's not that," Sakura said. He tried to look into Shikamaru's face but it was too dark. "It's just… I think that having children should not be like a… a shopping list, you know. A bottle of milk, tick. Half a pound of rice, tick. An eggplant, tick. Two children, preferably one boy and one girl, tick. It's not like that. Children should be born out of love and not because someone has an agenda!"

She was breathing hard, all the anger and fear she ever felt about this blazing high in her heart.

"When I get to have children, I will love them with all my heart and protect them with all I have. Even if they're weak and have no bloodline traits. Even if they are silly or careless or plain dumb, I will love them and help them and there will be no training from dusk till dawn and brainwashing them to think that if they are not the best, they are trash! I will have none of that!"

"You're completely right," he answered.

Sakura waited. "Is that all? I know I'm right!" she said, her hands still in fists.

"Oh well," Shikamaru drawled. "I was actually wondering earlier if something happened to you, if there'd been an accident at the lab or something. All evening you sounded like Hinata." Overriding the indignant shriek, he carried on. "Now I'm glad that everything is as it should be. This is the Sakura that we all love and fear…"

He was just too fast. Sakura wanted to punch him but he jumped back, laughing silently.

One minute Sakura was shaking with anger, the next minute… there was no anger. It left. Just like a patch of darkness, it melt into the night. She wanted to hold on to her anger, not let it go, just like she held on to it for years – anger was a palpable substance in her body, in her head, in her mind, fuelling her actions, pushing her to be stronger so that no one would mess with her, making her stand up against everything and everyone that she considered wrong.

"You're impossible," she mumbled and smiled.

"Why? Because I like women with a bit of willpower and an IQ over fifty? Come on!" Shikamaru said, still laughing.

"Is that all? Not a very long list, I should say."

"Mmm. Remember the family part. Young kunoichi are eager to prove themselves and they are not very keen on the idea of leaving their team and being taken off the active roster for a while."

"But that's standard procedure, isn't it?"

"Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying. I mean that's one reason why shinobi usually marry late and even then have just one child. I guess I'll either have to wait until I'm fifty or marry a civilian. Or both."

"I always wanted to have a brother or a sister," Sakura said. She remembered all the times she asked her mom why she didn't have any siblings, and how her mother always responded with 'be glad that you have a family at all'.

There were lots of kids at the academy who were orphans.

"Yeah, me too. Chouji and Ino… they are really like my brother and sister… but I always wondered what it would be like to have someone who is like me. You know."

"Yeah. You could have played shogi with them. Or go and watch clouds together," Sakura said.

"Yes."

Shikamaru looked almost shy.

"You really do understand, don't you."

"Yes."

They stopped in front of a big apartment building and went up two flights of stairs where Shikamaru fished a key out of his pocket and opened the door.

"Welcome to the lion's den."

The apartment was a little bigger than Sakura's and it was quite obvious that it belonged to a man. The dominant colours were a deep russet brown and a light shade of silver-gray. It was neat and very clean – no dust, no clutter, no pieces of clothing on the floor or the couch.

Sakura felt a little guilty when she thought of her own apartment – clothes on her bed, reminders of her early morning rush, a cup of coffee and a half-finished book on the low table, earrings and make-up things and framed photographs and scrolls on every available surface – and promised herself that she would really and truly clean her apartment the next day.

Shikamaru watched her, amused.

"It's not always this tidy, you know," he said with a half-smile. "I don't entertain much and with this project on top of my regular work, when I'm home I use only the bedroom."

Somehow Sakura didn't think that it was just for sleep.

"You know it's the first time I was invited here?" she said, trying to sound casual.

"Really? Oh, I forgot. You were out on a mission when I had my housewarming party and straight after that I decided never to have anything like that again. It took me ages to clean the apartment, but I expected that – but two days after the party Kiba and Naruto suddenly appeared and started pounding on my door in the middle of the night – half past two, to be exact – hollering that they wanted me to decide whether squirrels like ramen or tempura better."

"Squirrels," Sakura said, trying to decide whether her hearing should be checked.

"Yeah. Search me. Next day I asked them and they didn't even remember coming to see me. But the neighbours did, and they weren't happy."

"So you're saying that I'm one of the lucky few who actually made it through your door ever since," Sakura said.

"That's right. I'd ask you to swear not to disclose the whereabouts of my apartment, but as I already activated a jutsu that makes you forget all the details about my place, it's not that important."

"You forgot the traps," Sakura pointed out.

"Oh, the traps. Of course. But as I lay new ones every time I leave the apartment, you won't be able to use that information. But I'm pretty sure that you use all these precautions yourself."

"Yes. Including the explosive seals. And Naruto."

"Naruto?"

"He regularly sleeps on my couch. Believe me, you don't want to wake him."

"Makes my blood curdle," Shikamaru remarked. "You know, I'm pretty sure that there is a rule against that in the shinobi book of rules. Something on being an inhuman and unusual form of torture to be used against enemy nin."

They both smirked.

"Would you like another drink?" Shikamaru asked.

"No, thanks. I think if we carry on drinking, we'll both wake up with a terrible headache tomorrow."

"A word to the wise."

"Don't forget who my shishou is," Sakura sighed.

"Tea, then?" Shikamaru asked.

"Tea is fine."

The kitchen was just as neat as the rest of the place. Shikamaru made the tea the way he did everything else: without any semblance of a hurry but without any superfluous movements either.

He's very efficient, Sakura thought. He always knows where he's going and what he's going to do. Maybe that's why being in his company makes one feel secure.

They were sitting on the couch and sipping their tea when Shikamaru said, "You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. But if you do, I'm listening."

Sakura was silent for a while. She still wasn't sure if asking for advice was a good idea, but she really had very few options left.

"Your usual… partners… who are they?" she asked.

Shikamaru knew at once what she meant and answered without hesitation. "ANBU, mostly. They know what they want and we both appreciate that further complications are unlikely to occur."

"And are they…uh… satisfied? I mean…"

"I think so," Shikamaru said. Then he looked at Sakura and smirked. "In fact, I'm sure. Believe me, those girls are more than able to tell you what they want… and they get it."

Sakura blushed. "Sorry… I shouldn't have asked."

"Why not, Sakura?" Shikamaru asked. "It doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. No big deal."

"But it is for me. Uh… Sex, I mean," Sakura said, fidgeting a little. There were a lot of things that one just did not talk about. Not like this. Not with a man, anyway.

She took a big breath and carried on resolutely. "I feel uncomfortable because I was wondering if that was the reason why he cheated on me. Sasuke… Sasuke and I had a big row a few weeks ago. He said… he said I was childish and immature and I was so cold in bed that he was surprised the sheets didn't get frosty overnight…"

"At least he has a sense of humour," Shikamaru said dryly, his tone clearly indicating that Sasuke Uchiha wasn't the funniest man in Konoha. "So, is it true?"

"I don't know," Sakura said miserably. "How would I?"

"Do you enjoy sex?" Shikamaru asked bluntly.

"Yes. I think I do. I mean it's good to be with someone you love…"

I just can't believe I'm talking about this, and with Shikamaru, of all people, Sakura thought. But who could she ask? Ino was out of the question this time, seeing how steadily she refused to talk about Sasuke. Kakashi sensei… he could probably provide some useful advice but asking these questions… They would both be embarrassed to death before she finished the first sentence. Sai? Come on. It would give him a lifetime of ammunition for nasty remarks.

Naruto? No, no, NO!

At least Shikamaru was intelligent. Also, his conversational skills were above that of the average shinobi. When he talked, he talked in sentences, instead of contributing a 'hn' every possible time.

"I think there's more to sex than that, even on the physical level," Shikamaru said calmly. "But most women who are not that fond of sex find an easy solution to this problem. They fake."

"I don't know how to," Sakura said. She couldn't bear looking at Shikamaru any more. There was a drop of water on the table. Or probably tea. Yes, it must be tea. He didn't get what I said, she thought, because if he did, he'd be laughing by now. Or…

A hand raised her chin and gently forced her to look up. When his eyes found hers, he curtly nodded and let her chin go, but he put his left hand on her shoulder and gave it a friendly little squeeze.

"This tiptoeing around the subject makes me dizzy," Shikamaru said drily. "Do you trust me enough to talk about this properly?"

When he posed the question like this, she found it impossible to say no.

"Yes. I trust you."

"So, if I understand you correctly, you never really enjoyed sex with Sasuke. I can't say it surprises me."

"It's a bit more complicated than that," Sakura said slowly. Shikamaru was taking this so calmly, just like they were talking about a lab project or a mission briefing. "I had the same problems with Lee."

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me, either. I like Lee but he's not the most subtle of human beings. Is that all? They just don't know how to please a woman. You should have taught them. Not Sasuke, though – he is going to be a selfish little prick as long as he lives. But in general…"

Sakura sighed and shook her head. "You don't understand. I never… I mean I read about it in books… and Ino talks about her private matters quite sincerely…"

Shikamaru's eyes went wide. "Let me know if I get it wrong. Basically you're saying you never had an orgasm while having sex. But what about masturbation?"

"I don't," Sakura whispered, looking everywhere but on Shikamaru's face. "I don't even try anymore. I'm probably frigid. I read about that too…"

"No," Shikamaru cut in. "Somehow I don't think that would be the case. You enjoy being touched? Being kissed?"

"Yes."

"Then it's just a matter of helping your body learn how to react and to which impulses. You're just a tad late, that's all."

Sakura sat silently and kept turning the subject around in her mind. It was logical. She was a late developer. When Sasuke left, she was still a child. She longed for him and missed him, but that was all. Then Tsunade accepted her as her student and her days were spent with training and incredibly hard work, interrupted only by urgent missions and attacks on Konoha. She'd only taken up with Lee because they were both scared, so scared they just had to hold on to each other…

"Would you help me?"

She was surprised to hear her own voice but the idea seemed logical. It had to be someone she could trust and who would have the expertise to help. Shikamaru met both requirements.

Now it was Shikamaru who studied the floor very, very carefully.

"Uh… I'm sorry… I didn't mean to embarrass you…" Sakura whispered. God, she would never be able to look him in the eye again. Maybe she could ask for a long mission to the Land of Snow - or something even further out on the map…

"Don't be ridiculous," Shikamaru said and Sakura was surprised to see that he was trying very hard not to laugh. "I'm not embarrassed. I'm just trying to find out if this is an elaborate scam or if in a previous life I saved the planet or something and now I'm getting my reward."

"You mean you're willing?" Sakura asked unbelievingly.

"One of these days I'm really going to get back to Uchiha and make his life a living hell for destroying your confidence," Shikamaru snorted. He looked straight into Sakura's eyes.

"You're one of the most beautiful women in Konoha, a constant source of envy and jealousy for women and the object of unrestrained lust for men. Here I sit next to you on a Friday night on my couch and you're asking me to teach you to pleasure yourself. I wonder where the catch is. Maybe I'll have to sell my soul to the devil or something."

"I didn't know you were such a sweet talker," Sakura said, smiling in spite of herself.

"I'm so full of surprises," he said sarcastically. "So, do you want me to…?"

He left the sentence unfinished.

"Yes. Definitely. Do you think you can…?"

He shrugged. "We'll find out, won't we? Go and wash your hands."

"Why?… Oh."

"Yes. If we're doing this, we're going to do it properly."

She washed her face and her hands and combed her hair and tried not to think of anything. She was getting more and more nervous by the second.

By the time she went back to the living room, the bedroom door was open and she heard Shikamaru moving about. She stopped at the door and looked in. Shikamaru was sitting on the bed, his hands in the thinking position. When he saw Sakura, he stood up.

"Come in," he said.

She felt her heartbeat quicken. He looked different, almost a stranger. He was a head taller than she was and she could see his hard muscles under his fishnet shirt. She remembered how she saw him kill in cold blood on more than one occasion, plan an attack or a counterattack while people around him were fighting and screaming and bleeding and all the while his face had the same bored, lazy look.

Then he smiled and he was her friend again, her friend and coworker and Ino's teammate who used to sleep in school and skipped training just to watch the clouds go by.

"Frightened?" he asked and stepped closer. Sakura stepped closer, too and found herself in a hug. She put her arms around his waist and pushed her face against his chest.

"Sakura. There's no need to be afraid. I wouldn't hurt you," he said, his voice a deep rumble like thunder.

"I know… I want to, but I just can't imagine how we're going to do this and it scares me," she answered in a rush.

"Would it make it easier if there were.. rules? Rules that I would keep to so that you would know what to count on?"

She liked that. She knew she was a control freak but hey, most shinobi were. Or they turned out to be dead very soon.

"What rules?"

"Hmm. Let me think."

He sat down on the bed, carrying Sakura with him and putting her on his lap as if she were a doll.

"What we're going to engage in is called heavy petting. I guess you know what that means, " Shikamaru stated.

"Yes."

"So far so good. The rules. I will always ask your permission to do anything new. Any time you stay stop, I stop. If you say that was it, you don't want to go on, we stop altogether and I take you home and we forget the whole thing by tomorrow. However, if you wish me to do something, you will have to ask for it and I'll try to do it that way. Ok? I can't read your mind and we're trying to see if the sheets get really frosty… or if there's a vulcano in there, as I suspect."

Sakura laughed. "You're really trying to see me in a favourable light."

He didn't answer just put her down on top of the bed and went to switch off the overhead light, switching on the bedside lamp instead. His bedroom was big, Sakura realized as he looked around. There was a small tv in the corner, bookshelves, a chest of drawers, a music center. This was the room he really lived in. The living room was a façade, another obstacle to get through. This room was private.

There were no books in the living room, no pictures, no photos, no shogi board. He kept those here. Sakura saw a framed photo of his team, another one with Kurenai and her daughter (she had one of those pics, too – the baby looked just like Asuma sensei, but without the cigarette and the beard). Another photo with Ino and herself, Chouji between them, all of them laughing, taken at the last summer festival. There was a picture of his parents, too, and a lot of scrolls.

The room was suddenly filled with soft, melancholic music, so low that it was almost a whisper.

"Sorry, but the light has to stay on," Shikamaru said. "I have to see what I'm doing."

She giggled.

"You make it sound like a project. Or a mission."

"Well, if that helps, think of it as a mission and I'm team captain."

He rummaged in the bottom drawer and took out a light red scarf, spreading it on top of the lamp.

"That's it."

He turned toward the bed and took off his fishnet shirt. Sakura felt her panic rise.

It was just a week ago that Sasuke broke up with her in a really awful way. She spent a few days waiting for him to apologize, to explain, knowing that she would forgive him as she always did. Then she realized this time there would be no apologies, not even an explanation, not even a goodbye. They met several times since then and he didn't even talk to her. She was the one who had to tell Naruto that they broke up and then she said, no, she screamed at him to stop asking questions, to leave her alone. What, oh what on earth was she doing here in a strange bedroom?

She calmed her breathing. She would go through with this. There were lots of girls who were confident enough to spend a night with a stranger just for sex. Shikamaru wasn't even a stranger, she had known him practically all her life. And he would never harm her in any way, not in a thousand years.

Maybe it was true. Maybe Sasuke really destroyed her confidence.

God knows he destroyed a few things in his life, this wouldn't give him a moment of unease.

Shikamaru knelt on the bed and then with all the grace of a big cat he sat down behind her.

"Lean back," he said.

She slowly leaned back to his chest and felt her weight supported by him. They were sitting very close to each other, her back next to his naked chest, his arms on hers, his chin on her shoulder. Sakura felt some of the tension leave her body – it was replaced with a feeling of warmth and a ticklish little sensation in her stomach.

"Don't I have to get undressed?" she asked, looking for something to do.

"Relax. We have all night. Anyway, most of these things happen in your head first and in your body only after. We have plenty of time to find out what's good for you. "

"And what about you? Wouldn't it…?"

"Hurt, or what?" Shikamaru snickered behind her. "Don't be silly. Do you ever watch porn?"

"What? No!" She tried to turn around but Shikamaru didn't let her.

"Really. Well, just to let you know, this situation has all the story elements of a really kick-ass porn movie. But this time it's real and I'm going to enjoy every single moment of it."

His voice was deep and dangerous, his hands were slowly sliding down her arms, only the tips of his fingers touching her skin, going down… and up. Down. Up.

"Close your eyes," he whispered.

She obeyed and felt goosebumps on her skin.

"What happens in the movie?" she asked, her voice a bit shaky.

"Interested? Hmm. Let me see."

Now as he carried on stroking her arms, her hands, he started to go a bit lower with each movement, first touching her thighs just under her fingertips, then pulling back his hands so that his fingers stroked her thighs, her hips, her waist.

"First thing is, we need a real hottie as the female star. A woman that most guys would never be brave enough to ask out in real life. She's young and beautiful and with a figure that… mmm, I think my nose is bleeding."

Sakura smiled and cuddled closer to him.

"And then?"

"Well. The script says that she is so young and innocent that she just doesn't know what makes the world go round. So there's this man she asks to teach her… and he just can't believe his luck."

"And how does he do that? The teaching, I mean?"

He smelt like cinnamon and smoke, Sakura thought. It was a very pleasant smell. The soft light behind her closed eyelids, the whisper of the music in the background and Shikamaru's hot skin made her drowsy and happy. And there were those constant touches, never ceasing but always keeping the same gentle, steady rhythm…

"Well… first he asks her if he can take off her shirt… to feel her more."

There was a silence and Sakura felt her breath quicken.

"May I?" Shikamaru whispered near her ear and she said "yes". It came out raspy, needy, unlike her usual voice.

His hands were moving on her, slowly pulling down her zip then peeling away her shirt.

"God, you're so beautiful, Sakura."

His hands were now stroking her bare skin over her bra and the way he whispered those words… She could tell he meant every one of them.

"What happens then?" she asked in a whisper.

"Well, actually, it's your movie," he breathed softly into her ear. "So you tell me what happens. Who's the leading actor?"

Sakura smiled again. He was playing this game to make her feel more relaxed, more secure, and it worked.

"It should be someone like you," she whispered back. "Someone who's strong and smart and sure of himself… Someone who isn't afraid to take risks."

"I see," he said softly. "That's very… flattering."

His hands were resting on her arms, their touch familiar and strange at the same time. Sakura knew that she instinctively said what was on her mind and it was true. She knew his strength, she knew his intelligence, she knew his resolve and courage. That was nothing new. But Shikamaru also had the confidence that only experience could provide. He'd probably done this countless times. Kunoichi were not that different from civilians and Shikamaru knew how to make a woman feel wanted.

He knew what to do and wasn't afraid to do it – be it an attack or a seduction scene.

"So… can I take your shorts off, then?"

Sakura raised her hips and put her hands on her shorts but Shikamaru stopped her.

"No, not you. Let me. Right now I'm the one doing all the work, remember?"

He made it so slow that Sakura was bristling with impatience by the time he pulled her shorts under her knees and once they were off her she kicked them off the bed.

Shikamaru chuckled behind her. "Impatient, huh? Just you wait."

"So?" she asked. It made her feel uneasy that she was only in her underwear now. At least it wasn't something old and ugly. One of the things that Ino hammered into her was that if you are feeling down, you should take extra care with your looks. She was wearing the pink silk and black lace set that was a Christmas present from Ino.

"So what?" Shikamaru asked, his voice distant.

"Do you like what you see?" Sakura asked.

"I'm trying very hard not to drool on you too much, thank you for asking. Maybe I should go and have a cold shower."

"Don't you dare!" Sakura said. "You have a job to do!"

He chuckled. "So I have. Well. Hmm. Tell me what you usually think about when you touch yourself."

"Lots of things," Sakura said, suddenly feeling sad. "Mostly it was my actual boyfriend. But it never worked."

"Of course it never worked," Shikamaru sighed. "A textbook case of vicious circle. They couldn't please you so every time you thought of them you felt unhappy. Congratulations. Anything else? Did you ever have a crush on anyone you didn't know personally? An actor or a singer, perhaps... That works really well as a sex fantasy because it doesn't have a chance to clash with reality."

"Can't say I have."

They were silent for a moment, both enjoying the feel, the touch of the other's skin.

"Do you have a favourite place where you go when you want to relax?" he asked.

"Such as?"

"I don't know. Hot springs. A clearing in the forest. A big tree. I know that Kakashi sensei spends a lot of time near the Hokage monument, looking down at the village."

"Yes, he does," Sakura said, thinking about how well Shikamaru knew Kakashi. "He says it always reminds him why he loves Konoha so much. Have you got a place like that?"

"Yes. It's a meadow near my parents' house. There are some beautiful trees there and the grass is so high that when I lie down, I just disappear in it. It's like a secret place where I can always find my peace."

"That sounds wonderful," Sakura whispered. "Watching the clouds on a sunny day and hearing the grass rustle when you move and smelling the earth and grass around you… It must be really great."

He was stroking her, slowly, lovingly and Sakura felt her muscles relax.

"I have a place like that, too," she whispered.

Shikamaru didn't ask anything. He just waited patiently, his hands moving slowly on her.

"I never talked about this to anyone," she said timidly. "My parents' house has a small garden… really small. But there's a little nook where there are a lot of rose bushes. They are very old and overgrown, but there is a little clearing between them where no one can see me. In the summer I often go there and sunbathe… sometimes I just lie there naked for hours and the smell of the roses and the sunshine makes me quite dizzy and sleepy… "

"That sounds great," he said in a low voice. "I'd like to see you there… a beautiful, naked girl asleep among the roses… like a fairytale princess…"

Just thinking of the rose garden made her happier… but when Shikamaru said he would like to see her there, her mind accepted this quite easily. As in a dream, she saw herself with Shikamaru under the rose branches, both of them naked, kissing wildly, his long, dark hair falling on his shoulders, covering their faces…

"What do you feel when you feel desire?"

Sakura had no idea what kind of answer he expected.

Shikamaru sighed again.

"Most women," he said softly, "feel something around here when they feel… horny."

His thumbs were circling on her belly, around her navel.

This time she felt it. It was like lightning, very far away, buried somewhere deep inside her.

"Yes," she whispered.

"That's right," he said slowly. "I had a lover who said that when she felt really horny it was like a grip on her stomach."

Sakura felt her belly tightening.

"Where?" Shikamaru whispered.

Sakura closed her eyes again and looked inside, inside… Her body that she always handled as a weapon, toned and trained and used, gave a shy flutter in response.

"Here," she said and slowly pulled a finger down from her navel to her pantyline.

"Yesss," Shikamaru whispered. His fingers followed the same route and the lightning crackled again. Closer. Closer.

She whimpered a little and Shikamaru covered her belly with his hands, softly stroking and massaging the sensitive area.

"Why there?" Sakura asked, dazed.

"You should know, you're a medic," Shikamaru said in the same low, dark voice. "Your vagina starts here," he softly touched her mound, following the line to her navel, "and ends somewhere here, deep inside, in your womb."

She writhed a little. There was something else in his words, not only lust. Respect. Amazement. Wonder.

"So you don't think it's disgusting?"

"What do you mean? Sex? Or the female body? Of course not." His fingers were drawing small circles on her skin. "It's a miracle. Sex is a miracle. It's almost a proof of God's existence. One of the deepest forms of bliss that a human being can experience… and that's the act that's responsible for the creation of another human being. And the whole process happens in a place that is so secret and deep and dark that the new spark of life is protected and nurtured until it's ready to come to light. If this isn't a miracle I'm not sure what is."

Sakura felt strangely touched. She turned back to see his face and before she had time to think about it, she put her arms around his neck and kissed him.

He responded slowly at first, then more and more eagerly. Sakura felt his mouth open, his tongue sliding into her mouth hungrily and then her head fell on his shoulder and he was holding her and kissing her and it was sweet and made the lightning crackle through her body until it was almost painful and she couldn't think anymore.

It was Shikamaru who broke the kiss, his face flushed, his eyes sparkling.

"I think we should get back to the original project first," he said. "Then you can decide whether I'm worth investing a bit more time into."

Sakura felt dizzy. When Shikamaru asked if he could take her bra off, she could only nod without thinking. She knew she should hold on to the barriers she set between herself and the world but it felt so good to let go.

"And this is the other part that's usually very, very sensitive," he went on while his fingertips were stroking her neck and her shoulders. Sakura felt him lower his head and he blew hot air onto her right collarbone. "I'm going to kiss you here if that's all right," he said.

She nodded again. It was an automatic reaction by now. She didn't want this to end. It was just the opposite of when she tried touching herself, impatiently, hurriedly, wanting to get rid of the stress and feeling angry and disappointed that her body just wasn't going to cooperate until she just gave up the whole thing altogether.

He was showering light kisses on her shoulder while his hands were softly stroking her waist. He slightly raised her right arm and leant forward to kiss the back of her armpit, sucking in her flesh and her whole body shook violently.

"That's a spot most people don't know about," he murmured. He started stroking the underside of her breasts and his hands never ceased touching and teasing her belly, her waist, the outside of her hips, her arms, everywhere but her breasts and the area that was still covered by her panties. He was driving her mad on purpose.

Sakura remembered dimly that she could ask him to do things and she whispered "Touch me… touch my breasts…"

He hummed against her shoulder and said, "Oh, no, honey… You touch them."

She felt cheated and put her left hand on her right breast, only to feel it swatted away.

"Not like that. I'll show you," he said. "Slowly. Gently."

He laced his fingers into hers and started to caress the underside of her breast, then her ribs, her arms, then his hand guided hers back, slowly, lovingly, with the lightest of touches, kneading her breast.

When his fingers touched her nipple, she leaned into his touch and when he placed her other hand on the other breast she wanted the same sweet pain and started drawing small circles around her nipple. She felt his breath hitch and he began to suck and lick her neck and she was moaning and writhing and of course it had to be done like this, of course this was what sex was about and she wanted more, more of this.

"Your panties," he said and it was impossible to mistake the lust burning in his voice for anything else. His voice reverberated somewhere inside her and reached parts that were out of reach, forgotten, and now they were slowly waking up and turning against her, making her burn inside.

She realized he was still waiting for her answer. He was so collected, so cool, so in control. She wanted him to lose his cool, to drive him wild, just like he was doing with her. She moved her hips against his pants and he gave a deep growl.

"Take off your panties," he commanded. "Slowly."

She obeyed. She was burning, half-conscious, losing control… and she loved it.

"Yes," he said. "Now open your legs."

She obeyed again.

He wasn't satisfied with the result, he reached down and put his hands on her thighs, slowly opening her more until she was lying there open and wet and waiting and so, so hungry.

"Oh… Your colour… it's natural. Not that I had any doubts…"

She felt no need to answer.

"I'll do it first and then let you finish," he whispered.

She couldn't think anymore but when he raised his hand and touched her mouth with his index and middle fingers, she instinctively opened her mouth and sucked his fingers.

"God… you're hot as a forest fire," he said. "Now look."

She raised her head and as his hand disappeared between her legs she knew that he was looking, too. His hand was big and his fingers calloused but they were gliding so smoothly over her. He took his hand away and she was begging him not to stop but he took her hand to his mouth and his tongue was hot and his mouth was hot and then he placed her hand between her legs and held her finger and used it like a paintbrush to draw circles and arabesques and lines around her clit. It was good, it was so good, it was never ever like this before when she touched herself, it felt too sensitive, too weird, but now it was a fire spreading fast in her, and she rocked into her own touch and it was far, far away that she heard his whisper, "God, you're a dream, you're so damn beautiful," and then he put his hands on hers and made her move her fingers a little faster and then one of his fingers slipped inside her and it was so good…

She felt the lightning flare up inside her and she was falling in the darkness behind her closed eyes but it was a good kind of darkness.

When her breathing slowed down she found she was still half-lying, half-sitting next to Shikamaru and turned to look at him. She didn't know what she expected but what she got was a smile.

"So, was it worth the time?" he asked and she pulled his head down to hers and kissed him. She supposed she should be confused or ashamed or something but she just couldn't find it in herself.

Shikamaru's heart was still beating fast. Of course. And his erection was in place. Bigger than ever.

Sakura was sure that if he could to this to her with just his fingers he would probably do wonders with his… his…oh…other parts, but there was something else, something she never had the courage to ask for before.

Hell. Why not. He was not a prig, that was obvious. Maybe… just maybe…

She looked at him again and faked a shy smile. "Can I… can I still ask you to do something?"

His eyes were burning but he looked calm and his voice was even flatter than usual.

"I suppose. What would that be?"

Now she didn't have to fake being shy any more. The blush was real. "I always… always wanted to see a guy do the same… I mean… and it's unfair that you saw me but I didn't see you…"

"So you want to watch me jerk myself off? Is that it?" Shikamaru asked.

"Well…. yes."

She looked in his eyes and he nodded. "Okay. Any other wishes?"

"Not yet," she said. "But I may want to come up with a few new ones later."

He got rid of his pants without any visible sign of hurry – no underwear, she thought, interesting - and lay back on the bed.

"Touch yourself," she said and this time he was the one who obeyed.

He was touching himself in a very different way than he had been touching her. He was brusque and impatient and his face was all closed down as in pain, his mouth a firm line, and she just had to touch him and suddenly they were kissing and groping each other and then he was over her, his hand still moving fast on his own flesh and before she had any time to think about it, she blurted out "please, on me, do it on me, I want to feel it," and he threw his head back and groaned and then her belly and her breasts were covered in his seed.

It felt hot on her skin.

He looked as if he wanted to say something but then just gave her a short kiss and collapsed on the bed.

They were lying next to each other, Shikamaru on his back, his eyes closed.

Sakura wondered whether… oh, to hell with it. She dipped her index finger into a drop of semen between her breasts and tasted it. Not bad, really. Something like seawater.

Shikamaru moved and she found herself looking up into his face.

"Do it again," he said.

She tasted another drop and he broke out in a wide grin.

"What's so funny?"

"Are you sure you don't watch porn movies?" he asked.

"Of course I don't!" she answered, confused. "That would be… lewd!"

He shook his head, amused.

"I guess I should go now," Sakura said. It was suddenly very strange and frightening and she didn't know what to do. She never had any one-night stands and she supposed that was what people did after sex: said goodbye and went home.

"No," Shikamaru said. She looked at him, afraid of misunderstanding him, making a mistake.

He blushed.

"I mean, you don't have to. If you want to go home, I'll take you. But if you don't… never mind. It's probably too soon…"

He meant the breakup, probably. But Sakura suddenly found that she couldn't care less. Well, did her ex-boyfriend care? Did he? No, he didn't. In the four months she spent with him he never showed as much attention and gentleness toward her as Shikamaru did in just one night. And the night wasn't even over.

"Shut up," she said. "I want to stay. If you want me to."

He only nodded.

"No. Say it aloud. So that later there would be no misunderstanding."

He rolled his eyes. "Troublesome. Okay, okay. I want you to stay."

"Good. Do you still grant my wishes?"

"Depends on the wishes, I guess. But I'm willing to consider."

"So here is what I want," Sakura said, giving Shikamaru a serious look. "One, I want to have proper sex with you. I mean…uh. You know."

Shikamaru nodded. "I think I can decipher the hidden meaning behind your words, if need be. You will have your wish granted, fair maiden. I think it's going to be a mind-blowing experience for both of us. What's the next one?"

"You're going to ask me out. At least once," Sakura said. Her palms were getting wet and she was so nervous she could hardly speak. "Because I don't go to bed with people I never even dated. I…"

"Wait a minute," Shikamaru interrupted. "You're willing to date me?"

"Does sex destroy your ability to understand human speech?" Sakura snapped. "That's exactly what I was saying."

Shikamaru put up both his hands in mock surrender.

"Okay. Okay. Then from this moment on we're officially dating and tomorrow I'm taking you out to some fancy overpriced restaurant to make it public. I'll pick you up tomorrow at seven, wherever you are. You might still be here in my bed, mind you. But what about Sasuke Uchiha?"

"Fuck Sasuke Uchiha," Sakura said.

They were both silent for a while. It was Shikamaru who broke the silence.

"I sincerely hope that's not a wish I have to grant because I'd rather not. I don't do men," he said. Another minute passed and he added, "He's not even ANBU."


	2. Chapter 2

It was not morning yet. Sakura was sure about that. That was one of the few things she was sure about.

There were a lot more unknown factors. First of all, whose bed it was that she was lying in. And in whose arms. And exactly what kind of relationship they had established the night before. The whole situation in itself was not terribly new as such. A kunoichi had to get used to sleeping –and sleeping well – in different situations, places, times, circumstances. From sleeping bags in pouring rain to a big bed in the daimyo's palace, one had to get as many hours of sleep as possible to be alert and fast the next day. And of course, it wasn't terribly uncommon to fall asleep after a party in someone's apartment and share the bed or the rug with the people you usually shared food and lodgings and weapons with anyway. When your mates already saw you bleeding, cursing, throwing up and wet like a drown rat on missions, it's just impossible to care too much if aforementioned mates see you lying on the floor and carrying on a drunken discussion about whether it would be possible to cause a lethal wound with a rubber shuriken.

Of course, they would be just as drunk, obviously, and will probably remember even less of the whole discussion than you the next day.

On the other hand, Sakura thought, it had never happened to her before that she woke up in someone else's bed naked.

But it was so warm and pleasant. The whole bed smelled good – not like her own, but good. Her own sheets always had a clean, floral scent but they were sort of…sterile.

This bed, on the other hand, smelled not only of detergent and her own perfume. It smelled of spices and smoke and the scent of a man, the exotic smell of another person's warm skin.

She was surrounded by his scent and his warmth and the touch of his skin on her back where she could feel his chest rising with each breath. His left arm was lying across her breasts where he could feel her breathe – that is, if he were awake.

It was strangely comforting and familiar although Sakura had never slept with a man before.

No, that's not true, she thought sleepily. She had slept with men before but not _slept_, exactly.

Sakura was used to having these half-awake discussions with herself when she woke up at night and felt safe and warm enough to let her thoughts wander on their own, instead of reining them in and pushing them toward a field that would prove _useful_ like types of poisons or a new jutsu or just what to have for lunch.

In these last few weeks whenever she woke up at night, she just shut her mind down and went back to sleep. She didn't want to have even her most private thoughts monopolized by Sasuke.

This wasn't Sasuke's bed. They hardly ever had sex in his bedroom, he preferred her apartment – probably because then he could go home afterwards.

She didn't insist, for several reasons. She didn't want to scare him but even more importantly she didn't like the way his house felt.

It was not Sasuke's bed and not his arm around her.

It wasn't Lee either.

It must be a dream.

If it was a dream, it was okay not to feel ashamed.

She cuddled closer to her dream companion and felt him move against her, murmuring sleepily. It sounded like her name.

She was dreaming about someone who was dreaming about her. It made sense. It was an extremely pleasant dream, in a dark, silent bedroom, with a strong man behind her who was kissing her neck and his hand was stroking her breasts.

She was so sleepy. So, so sleepy… That was why she let this strange visitor pass through her dreams without hesitation, without remorse.

"Sakura," he whispered again. "My sweet."

She opened her eyes and reality came back slowly, leisurely, like a cat coming home after a successful hunt.

It was real and not a dream, she was in a man's bed – but she still felt warm and happy and satisfied.

Ah. The memories arrived in a rush – sake and touches and her very first orgasm. She was still with him.

"Shikamaru," she whispered.

"Hmmm."

"What time is it?"

She felt him sigh and the pillow rustled as he moved.

"No idea. Half past four? Something like that. Is it important?"

"No. Yes." She paused. "Do you still want me to stay?"

"Yes."

Pause.

"Do you want to go?" he asked, his voice suddenly serious.

"No. I want to stay here with you."

"Good."

He scooped her closer. She felt his warm breath on the nape of her neck.

"Sleep then. It's early. I'll still be here in the morning," he mumbled.

Sakura sighed, contented and calm in his embrace. She stretched, trying to find the most comfortable position and turned around, feeling Shikamaru's heat, his scent, his silky-smooth skin. It was unfair that a man should have skin this smooth.

She threw her right leg across his left thigh and put her face near his muscled chest to breathe in his scent. Her lips lingered over his skin, almost touching but not quite.

"You do everything you can to wake me up, don't you," she heard him grumble as he put his left arm around her waist. She looked up, drowsy from sleep and found herself looking into a face half-covered with shadows. Her breath hitched in her throat as his hand found her bottom and squeezed it.

She couldn't help moaning and he pulled her closer.

"If I don't get my beauty sleep I'll be really grumpy later," he said.

Sakura still wasn't fully awake. It was a luxury. Sleep was a necessity and waking up was an obligation, but waking up and not being fully alert and functioning the minute she opened her eyes…oh, the kinky, depraved, perverted luxury of laziness…

Maybe that was why she slowly put her arms around his neck and pulled him into a kiss that quickly got deeper and messier and more and more arousing. He smelled good. It was the same scent as the sheets only a lot stronger…

She was slipping back to sleep and dreams where there was no room for feeling sorry or unhappy because there was no need. She was protected. But he was touching her, touching and feeling and caressing, knowing her most intimate places by heart.

Sakura was still on the verge of sleep, drifting away, drifting back to dreams, slowly, slowly…

She was swimming in a river that was the most beautiful blue, so blue that it looked as if it was made of sparkling, deep blue lights and there were big water lilies around. She wasn't alone, there was someone holding her hand, swimming with her, but she couldn't get a good look at his face, she only heard his voice, his deep, melodious laugh…

"Don't you dare go back to sleep after you've managed to wake me up… you little vixen…"

She mumbled an answer but her brain and her body were working in a different timeshift. She didn't sleep well in the past few weeks. First it was the worry about Sasuke and the way their relationship was going or rather struggling, then she was suddenly alone and staring at the ceiling at night, wondering what went wrong.

She handled these problems as she usually did: she put a little extra effort into her work. When she finally got home she was tired enough to practically drop dead the moment her head touched the pillow.

The trick was that she had to manage to get by with less than six hours of sleep per day.

Now it was payback time. She was safe and happy and horny and sleepy at the same time… and her body was responding to his caresses on its own.

There were kisses all over her body and she was moaning. She sounded wanton and careless but her throat was not obeying her and it was too difficult to find the strength when each second there was a new touch, a new kiss.

She was floating in a different world somewhere where the blue water and the soft touches were one.

Somewhere in a nearby universe Shikamaru was kissing her neck, her shoulder, her breasts, her belly…

Oh God.

She opened her eyes again and looked down. Shikamaru looked back, startled. He was holding her thighs and kissing her belly just above the patch of pink curls and Sakura realized that the surprised and almost-frightened little sound must have been hers.

Before she had time to think it over, she blurted out the first thing that came to her mind.

"What are you doing there?"

Oh hell. The prize-winner for "The Dumbest Question on the Morning After."

Shikamaru seemed rather amused.

"I would have thought that was obvious," he said. "Don't you think so?"

Her sleepy brain was desperately looking for words.

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow. He seemed sleepy but somehow still alert in that funny, "I know what's going on even with my eyes still half closed" way of his.

Not to mention that he looked quite self-assured and smug, even naked.

The cocky bastard.

Sakura was totally confused. She wanted to shield herself but she couldn't. The usual mechanisms didn't seem to be working. She willed herself to get angry – but what was there to be angry about? That an attractive – extremely attractive – man was willing to provide oral sex without being asked to do so?

But her stomach was in a knot. Fear? She had no reason to feel fear.

Shikamaru was watching her, his face inscrutable now. Then suddenly he smiled again, sat up and stroked her face, pushing an unruly lock of her hair behind her ear with one finger.

"I'm not like him," he said seriously. "I'm not like him at all. Trust me. I won't break your heart."

There was nothing to say to that. She nodded.

Shikamaru nodded too, then leaned closer and kissed her. It was a tender, loving kiss, his lips touching hers softly, almost reverently, his warm fingers slipping into her hair to hold her safe while she forgot everything and returned his kiss.

"So?" he said, the corners of his mouth turning up. "Will you let me try?"

"I'm not really fond of this thing."

Now there was the smile that she expected, that she needed, that she wanted to see. She never would have thought that Shikamaru's smile would ever quicken her heartbeat but it certainly did now.

"You will be now," he said confidently. "What about this?"

Sakura somehow didn't expect that things would turn out exactly like this. All the romance novels talked about sex as something passionate and desperate and wonderful, but none of them said that it would be fun.

Obviously Shikamaru had never read these books.

He started by kissing her again, then kissing and sucking her neck… then blowing hot air into her left ear. When she shrieked and swatted at him, he found a ticklish place under her ribs and made good use of it.

After that it was a full-blown game. The rules were invented on the spot and all the small weaknesses were mercilessly exploited. Shikamaru could tickle her all he wanted – his nipples were so sensitive that he trembled when she licked them. Sakura never knew that the soft skin in the crook of her elbow was like this – when he started to kiss her there it gave her goosebumps.

The pillows were all on the floor, the sheets tangled in a mess under them when Shikamaru started to kiss her belly again and she felt the fire return. He was going lower slowly and it wasn't frightening anymore. She opened her legs without a question and ran her fingers through his hair – it was surprisingly soft.

He began to kiss her inner thighs, then his lips touched her more intimately, forbidden, exciting… When she looked down, she only saw his dark hair spilling over her belly and his hands on her thighs, olive on ivory. She was fragile compared to his masculine bulk.

His tongue circled over her pearl and she couldn't stifle a moan. He gripped her thighs harder and his mouth was sucking her, kissing her, licking her. It wasn't disgusting. It was dirty and unbelievable. She wanted to be dirty for his sake, she didn't care anymore and she whimpered aloud.

"That's it, baby. Speak to me," Shikamaru grunted, raising his head for a second. "God, I love to hear that."

It was fire running through her veins. His touch, his lips, his tongue, the sight of his head buried between her legs, his tanned, muscular back shining with a sheen of sweat.

This time it was like being shattered and breaking into pieces. She was bending into an impossible angle, her whole body shivering and shaking.

When she opened her eyes, it was Shikamaru's face she saw first, his eyes dark and burning with lust.

He didn't have to say anything. She opened her legs again and with just one move of his hips he was already inside her, hissing and cursing, his voice deep and raspy.

He was telling her how hot she was, how sweet, how tight and how he wanted to stay inside her forever. But his hips were moving faster and faster and his hands were gripping her hips to keep her in place to pound into her as strong as he could.

Sakura was dazed. It felt like being drunk. He was scorching hot inside her, over her, his strength easily rivalling hers now. She knew that this time there would be no careful touches and smiles and soft kisses because he was past the moment of caring. He wanted her as a man wants his woman and there was nothing else but him in this room, all his attention, all his strength focused on her, to keep her in place, to dominate her until he could pour his load into her.

It sent her over the edge again. She was his treasure and his slave and her body remembered this and let itself be coaxed into surrendering one more time.

"Fuck… oh fuck… Yes, baby, yes… come for me, come around my cock. Oh God. Oh God!"

She felt him deep inside her, touching a spot that shook her each time he pushed into her. She came with such force that she screamed. It was close to painful, being forced to come again only after a few minutes. It was so good.

She was lying on her back, her eyes closed, spent, breathless. Shikamaru was lying over her, boneless, covered in sweat, his skin hot, his face buried in the crook of her neck. Then his body began to shake and it took a second for Sakura to understand that he was laughing silently. He raised his head before she could ask anything.

"Sorry," he said, his eyes filled with tears of laughter. "Oh God… Sakura, I'm sorry. It's just too funny… God. Frosty sheets?"

He tried to repress his laughter again but his shoulders were still shaking.

"Are you angry with me?" Shikamaru asked in a much softer voice. "I'm sorry… I didn't want to hurt you…"

Sakura supposed there was a reason why he thought she would be angry but she was too tired. With some effort she opened her eyes again.

"Silly," she whispered. She found it too difficult to speak – there were other ways, much easier and more pleasant ways to show him she wasn't angry. Far from it.

She pulled his head back to her shoulder and kissed his hair. He murmured something against her skin and kissed her neck.

The novels said that in these moments there should be long and meaningful looks and sweet words exchanged between the two lovers – but which words could convey feelings more than these touches? He was still holding her and protecting her from the whole world with his body. She was cradling him, rocking him gently. He was heavy and the whole room smelled of sweat and body fluids and the sheets and the pillows were not in place and nothing was tidy or arranged and she was floating without anchors, not in control of her feelings and her thoughts – but her heart didn't feel empty anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

When she woke up again the sun was shining outside. The second thing she noticed was that Shikamaru wasn't lying next to her any more. And the third thing was something that smelled simply wonderful… that must be breakfast, she thought.

Then Sakura sat up and realized that she was still naked and… oh.

It didn't take a scientist to understand that being sticky and a bit sore was the result of their early morning activities. The soreness she didn't mind, it was kind of pleasant, but it might have been wise to take a shower instead of going straight back to sleep. It was a good thing that she did not have to worry about getting pregnant. Every kunoichi was allowed free access to all kind of contraceptives from their genin days, and they were expected to make good use of them. Getting pregnant 'accidentally' was frowned upon, and with good reason – if a kunoichi was incapable of controlling her own body and behaviour, how could she be trusted with anything more complicated than that? Most kunoichi had a combined shot of a contraceptive drug, some vitamins and immune stabilizers every three months and that was that. Problem solved, Sakura thought.

She threw back the sheets and stood up, looking for her clothes. Naked and blushing was ok in bed, but every girl knew that before-sex-naked and next-morning-naked in full daylight were two completely different things and she would walk barefoot to hell and back before she let Shikamaru see her naked and sticky and rumpled… and, and, and… uh… naked! What if he thought it over and he didn't… and what if he didn't mean… what if he realized that it was a mistake… or…

_What if you just shut up_, Inner Sakura said. _Get your sorry ass to the kitchen and see for yourself. At least now you know you're not frigid. Silly cow._

Her inner didn't appear that often these days – there was no need. Sakura wasn't afraid anymore to speak her mind and show her strength. Well, in most cases anyway. But what about now? What will Shikamaru think? Maybe she had better think this over.

Yes. She would just show him that she could be cool about this, and…

_God, you know you're an idiot, right?_

She forced herself to think. What exactly was the problem?

_He's Shikamaru. That's the problem. He could see through you even if he laid eyes on you for the first time today. But he's known you for ages, he's the teammate of your best friend and you've been working in the same lab for weeks. You trying to pull off the femme fatale act with him? Good luck. Idiot._

Sakura was on the verge of grabbing all her belongings and disappearing in a cloud of petals when she saw that there was a midnight blue yukata lying on her side of the bed.

He knew it. He knew that she would be scared and unsure so he found her something to wear. A loving, considerate, tactful gesture on his part – maybe he did care, maybe it would be more than just a date.

It was like a message. _I know you're worried. I know you're not the type of girl who would parade around naked. It's okay._

Sakura wondered why on earth she had to worry so much about everything, but this was not a question which could not be answered, but rather the opposite - a question with too many answers. Every single thing she did or said or thought changed the world in a small way and the possibilities were endless, tragedy waiting in ambush on every street corner. She wondered how Shikamaru, who saw and understood even more than she did, could be so easygoing and careless about it all.

Shikamaru was in the kitchen, frying something in a pan and humming under his breath. He was wearing only his jounin pants, his hair in his usual ponytail, and Sakura noted with delight that those hard, dangerous muscles and that tanned skin looked even more sinfully hot in daylight.

Then he looked at her and smiled and there was nothing else in the world but those warm brown eyes with those exceptionally beautiful long lashes and she was walking toward him, hypnotized… and he opened his arms and she was safe.

"Hello there," he said huskily. "Someone is looking absolutely beautiful this morning."

"Having a good opinion of ourselves, are we?" Sakura smiled against his chest.

"I was rather thinking of someone of a female persuasion."

"Mmm. I hope that's me. If not, then show me where she is and I'll kill her."

He kissed the tip of her nose.

"Shower or breakfast?"

"What, can't I have both?" Sakura asked indignantly.

"Troublesome woman," Shikamaru sighed. "Which one first, I meant. Breakfast's ready in five minutes and I'm starving."

"Shower," Sakura stated.

"There's some floral-scented shower gel and shampoo on the bathroom shelf if you don't want to use mine," Shikamaru said matter-of-factly. "Towels on the right. Use as many as you want."

He turned back to the pan, and Sakura saw his back… and yelped.

"Sakura? What's wrong?" Shikamaru asked worriedly.

"Your back!" Sakura said, frightened.

His back was a mess. Angry red scratches and half-moons were forming a seemingly random pattern, crowned by a dark spot on his neck that could only be a bite.

"What about it?"

"It's full of scratches and…"

Her voice slowly died. A moment of embarrassed silence followed.

Shikamaru was the first to speak.

"I strongly recommend you to take a good look in the mirror before you take your shower," he said, the corners of his mouth twitching. "I think you'll find that I have no reason to complain."

Well, he wasn't lying. When she took off the yukata it was easy to see what he meant.

There was a lovebite on her neck, another over her left breast and five purple spots on her left hip – the marks his five fingers left. And the list didn't end here.

Sakura ran her hand over the lovebite on her neck. She remembered that. He bit down, hard, when he came – she felt that hot liquid inside her while he was shaking and cursing and gripping her hard…

She looked up and saw herself in the mirror, lips apart, cheeks flushed, eyes dark green, one hand touching her neck, the other one her breast.

She was different. She looked beautiful. She looked alive.

She shook her head, dazed, then moved away from the mirror and looked around. Last night she just wiped herself clean with a wet towel, she was too tired to care about anything else. Now she carefully examined everything around her. In Sakura's opinion, a bathroom told a lot about its owner. Those shining, spick-and-span, modern bathrooms only existed in commercials. In real life, people left objects lying around, they chose tiles with strange patterns or never cleaned their showers. Shizune, for example, had a stack of medical magazines and journals next to her bathtub – she never had to tell Sakura that when she relaxed in the bathtub, she did it in the loving company of The Lancet, Medscape, Cancer Research, Shinobi Treatment or, if she wanted a laugh, Placebo Journal. And it would come as no surprise to anyone that Ino had several shelves of creams, shampoos and make-up stuff, but who would have thought that she kept them tidily categorized according to price? The equivalent of slumming in Ino's opinion was using a brand of cold cream that could be found in any drugstore.

Kurenai's bathroom had two shelves next to the tub. On one of them lived her things, everything from conditioner to eyeshadow in a friendly tumble of objects, while the lower shelf was filled with rubber toys of all kinds of animals, neatly arranged in strict lines, so that if her daughter in her usual commandeering voice said the ominous words "I want the pink crocodile today" (uttered with the air of patronage that all three-year-olds adopt with their doting parents), Kurenai could find it without delay.

And, strangely, Genma had about a thousand bottles of different hair products, although he always wore his bandana outside the house and no one ever saw more of his hair than a few wisps hanging around his ears. Naruto said once that in his opinion Genma was completely bald under the bandana and used all that shampoo for the hair on his chest, and when Genma heard about it, he outlined in detail several innovative ways of using his senbon on Naruto if he ever brought the subject up again.

Shikamaru's bathroom was blue-tiled, friendly and clean and full of small comforts another shinobi could appreciate: a heap of towels and a towel warmer (some of the towels white, so that they could be bleached, some of them dark blue, so they need not be), a sturdy but unpadded chair to sit on (for a tired shinobi who often came home covered with mud and blood it was a blessing to be able to undress in comfort without messing anything up), and a wire cutter next to a pair of scissors to remind any part of the shinobi equipment that if they were not willing to behave, there was an easy way to get rid of them.

Sakura liked it all.

When she returned to the kitchen, sufficiently clean and neat, smelling of his shampoo, he was sitting at the table, drinking tea and the radio was on.

She always saw him before as a man made of shadows – dark eyes, dark hair. A creature of the night.

Now he appeared to be made of light. His hair reflected the light in a hundred different hues from raven black to chestnut, and his skin was not brown, not even olive, but dark honey. The only dark spot on his skin was the deep blue swirl of the ANBU tattoo on his muscled arm. The song on the radio was a love song, and the singer was opening up his heart to a woman.

"He won't love you like I love you… He won't care for you this way…"

She felt his presence like a shock wave after an earthquake, running through her. He took another sip of his cup and smiled at her.

Sakura took a breath, trying to find something to say, then she saw his back and the medic nin training kicked in without hesitation.

She stepped closer to Shikamaru and gathered chakra into her fingers. Maybe those scratches weren't as bad as they seemed but they must be… troublesome.

She smiled at the irony.

The song ended and the speaker said that it was love song weekend and he hoped everyone found someone special to spend it with or they would find someone soon, and the next song would be about the book of love.

"There," she said to Shikamaru. "As good as new."

"Thanks, but it was all right the way it was," he said. "It didn't hurt that much."

They had almost finished the eggs and bacon and were discussing different types of codes when Sakura had a distinctive feeling of something… different.

She put down her fork, thinking. Danger? No. Déja vu? No. Something wrong, something out of place? No.

Everything seemed all right, the way it should be.

That was it.

Everything was the way it should be.

There was no way to push back the flood of memories now and the shadowy figures of Sasuke and Lee were looming somewhere in the background but the focus was not on them. It was on her.

This was the thing that she always wanted. This was the feeling. Not the breakfast. Not the discussion. Not the sex, even.

Strange. Why did this bring Ino in mind all of a sudden? Maybe it was the feelings part?

Ino didn't often talk about emotions. Funny how they talked about anything and everything and Sakura knew everything about Ino (what colour she loved and hated – loved, purple, obvious, hated, puce, 'not only the ugliest colour in the world but can you imagine something so creepy as the colour flea? Ugh!', her taste in everything from flowers to dresses, the craziest sex she had with a man and her biggest failure) but there was only that one time in the past two years when she said the word 'feel' and it was about Chouji.

'I feel… safe with him. Not just protected. I mean I'm a kunoichi, I can kick anyone's ass. But I feel… right. I can't explain.' Then Ino blushed and began to talk about something else, hurriedly making a bitchy remark about a nurse that Sakura liked to work with and they started bickering and it was forgotten.

Until now.

Sakura never knew before what she was looking for because it wasn't something that could be defined. Not flowers. Not gifts. Lee was very generous with gifts, Sasuke took her out to the best restaurants possible and she never really cared about flowers.

How can you define a feeling?

"You okay?" Shikamaru asked. "You've been staring into space for minutes. I'm pretty sure I didn't poison your breakfast."

"Huh? No. Of course not."

Sakura tried to pull herself together.

"I was just thinking about this code…" she said.

Shikamaru was watching her face intently.

To hell with all the rules and games and whatnot, Sakura thought.

"I'm lying," she said in a level voice. "I'm thinking about how difficult it is to tell in advance what you want from life. How hard it is to see where one would go wrong. It's like… dreams."

"Dreams?" Shikamaru asked. "I don't quite understand."

"They say that dreams don't lie. And it's true. But deciding on what the dreams actually mean… it's harder than deciphering a code. Do you ever dream, Shikamaru?"

"Like daydreams?" Shikamaru asked, pushing away his empty plate.

"No. I mean dreams. The kind where you wake up and say to yourself 'now I know why grandpa used to wear that red coat' just to realize that your grandfather never even resembled that old man in your dream and he never had a red coat. But it all made sense when you woke up."

Shikamaru drew his chair closer to the table. "So you mean your dream told you something important that made perfect sense in its complexity although none of the details were intelligible on their own, maybe not even fitting together?"

"Yes."

"Well, that is exactly like a code so you weren't lying. But where does divination come into it?"

Sakura shook her head.

"It's not divination or fortune telling. That's… that's connected with intuition and seeing the outcome of an event or situation without doubt. What I'm talking about is rather like tactical plans and how life has a way of defying plans."

Shikamaru didn't answer, he seemed lost in his thoughts. Sakura knew the signs, the way he held his head, the way his fingers were playing with his teaspoon. He wasn't making plans in earnest as he didn't form the thinking sign with his hands.

When he looked at her, the intensity of that look was almost frightening.

"We're very much alike, you and I," Shikamaru said softly. "When we make plans, we expect them to be failure-proof. But there is no such thing. We have to make up things as we go, change paths, redefine goals."

He shrugged and looked at Sakura again.

"You know, Sakura-chan, I don't think I've ever talked about something like that at breakfast."

Sakura blushed. Was this a praise or a rebuff?

Shikamaru spoke again before she could ask.

"Uh… I've just had an idea. Would it bother you terribly if I sat down to work on it? It would take just about an hour."

"Do you want me to go?" Sakura asked. It sounded like to perfect excuse to make her leave.

"No. Please don't go. It's just… if I don't write it down… Never mind."

"Oh, it's okay. I don't mind."

That was true. She knew the way these things went, it was the same with her. The moment either she or Shikamaru came up with something new in the lab, it had to be jotted down and explored while it was fresh in their minds. Once they forgot to buy paper and when they ran out of it, they used an old lab coat to write on.

She added as an afterthought, "I just thought for a moment that you might want to get rid of me."

Shikamaru stood up and turned to her.

"Sakura," he said, his voice serious. "Let's make this clear, okay? I don't play games, not like that, and I don't want you to, either. If you've got something on your mind, just say it and I promise to do the same."

"Meaning?" Sakura asked hesitantly.

"Meaning if I want you to go I'll tell you so, ok? In plain words. No hidden meaning. That was about the eighth time you asked me if I wanted you to stay. Why?"

Sakura raised her head to look him in the eye. "Because I hate to be a burden and you're too polite to say if I'm in your way."

"You're ridiculous," he said. "Coffee? And please don't say, 'only if it's no trouble'."

Sakura laughed. "In that case, yes please."

Sakura thought that they would stay in the kitchen but Shikamaru poured coffee for both of them and stood up, cup in hand, and disappeared in the bedroom.

When she followed, she saw that he did not waste his time. There was a bunch of writing paper and some pens scattered on the bed, coffee cup on the bedstand and he was taking off his pants. Was he going to work in bed?

It seemed so.

"Books on the shelf, TV is okay if you keep the volume fairly low, more coffee in the kitchen," Shikamaru said absentmindedly, already absorbed in his thoughts.

"Can I turn the radio on?" Sakura asked.

"Sure, go ahead," Shikamaru answered. He was writing fast, his pen scratching on the paper, his hand racing with his thoughts to put them to paper as fast as possible. He seemed quite comfortable with only a sheet as clothing. Sakura supposed there was nothing wrong with that. He had no reason to be shy about his body or the way he looked and his confidence was... well... attractive.

The radio in the bedroom was on the same station as the one in the kitchen. Sakura wondered whether it was a wise decision to listen to a lot of romantic crap but it seemed the station had a rather interesting point of view on what could actually be considered a love song as it was currently playing _If you gotta go, go now_ and the speaker was announcing that the next song would be _Some girls._

Might just be the difference in what men and women mean by love, Sakura thought.

She chose a book from the shelf and without a thought took off the yukata before she climbed back to bed. It was much more comfortable to lie in bed naked… and, Sakura had to admit, she kind of liked that when the yukata started to slide off her shoulders, Shikamaru looked up from his work and his eyes followed her until she lied down, covered herself with the sheet and opened the book.

It was a novel about a man's travels alone in a dangerous world that partly consisted of big cities and partly of an enormous forest abundant with magic creatures. The hero never did what was expected of him and the writer didn't seem to care about the readers' expectations either. Sakura was now at the part where the hero spent a night wandering in a maze of concrete with a wise old tramp, then he decided he was in love with a talking dragon and went back to the wilderness to find her. Or him. The plot and the name both left this particular detail undecided, but Sakura was getting suspicious.

Shikamaru was sitting in bed with a pillow haphazardly tucked in behind his back. He was still naked, the white sheet pooling around his waist, just above his narrow hips. He was smoking a cigarette.

He looked damnably sexy, Sakura decided.

Shikamaru looked up and said "Just a moment…" then carried on writing. It really didn't take more than a moment for him to put down the pen and put out the cigarette in the ashtray with a sigh.

"Sorry," he mumbled to Sakura. "Not quite the way I planned to spend this morning but…"

"It's okay," Sakura said. "It's your time and your apartment. Anyway, I don't quite remember the last time that I had a nice, peaceful morning like that."

"Let's get dressed and do something together," Shikamaru said. He stretched lazily, his eyes closed, unaware that the sheet was sliding lower on his hips and now hardly covered the bulge between his legs. Sakura just couldn't take her eyes off him. She swallowed, looked away, then looked back again. Then Shikamaru opened his eyes and asked, "What about taking a walk?"

Sakura hurriedly averted her eyes and said, "Where would we go? Did you have anything specific in mind?"

Shikamaru shrugged. "Nothing important. Just a stroll. You know, maybe taking a look at the new books at the bookstore, getting some dango, that sort of thing. There's this teashop that I go to sometimes. There's a waitress there who's been working in that shop for years, knows a lot about people. She has a rather amusing way of expressing her views. Or we could go and see if there's a concert or a film you'd like to see or something…"

"Dango is fine," Sakura said. "I like sweets."

Shikamaru nodded and turned away with a smile. "I know."


	4. Chapter 4

It probably had to do something with the fact that they had spent the night together, Sakura thought. She could hardly keep her eyes off Shikamaru and it was getting embarrassing. She really thought she knew his face well after all this time, but every time she looked at him she found something new, like those cute freckles near his nose or that little curl of hair next to his right ear. She never thought that a simple metal stud in a man's ear could look so absolutely sexy. Maybe it was because she remembered how the night before she licked his earlobe when…

"Sakura," Shikamaru said. "Stop looking at me like that or you'll never get your dango."

"Why not?" Sakura asked, a little hurt.

Shikamaru turned towards her.

"Cause if you don't stop, I'll just throw you over my shoulder and take you straight back to my bed. There's a limit to what a man can take, you know."

"Don't be ridiculous," Sakura said, giving an ugly look to a brunette who smiled at Shikamaru.

Shikamaru stopped and turned to Sakura again. "Take my arm."

"What?"

He grinned.

"You can take my arm and settle the question of ownership that way instead of giving death glares to every female passing by. I'm surprised that girl didn't faint in terror."

Now it was Shikamaru who got a death glare of the first degree.

"She looked at you as if you didn't have on a stitch," Sakura stated.

"No, that's you," Shikamaru said, still grinning. "Not that I mind, you know. I'm just rather suprised to find that the phrase 'bedroom eyes' actually means something. In broad daylight, no less."

"Oh, just stop it and get lost," Sakura murmured and looped her arm through his.

It was just to make him stop joking, Sakura argued with herself. Although… she had to admit that it was nice to walk this way. His bicep was hard, his arm solid and safe as she held on to it. _'Safe? What do you mean, safe?' _Inner Sakura said with a sneer. _'You could bundle him up and start hitting the pavement with him until one of them goes, and he could do sweet fuckin' nothing about it!'_

Inner was right, of course, but still… This was again something that never happened to her before. Lee always held her hand as if he were afraid that he would break it. And Sasuke was never the hand-holding or arm-offering type of guy, period. While they were dating they still walked next to each other as if they were teammates. But most shinobi couples walked that way together, didn't they?

She remembered Kurenai and Asuma. They always walked separately, as two strangers, no matter how deeply they loved each other. What about Genma and Shizune? Did they walk arm in arm or holding hands? Nope. Tenten and Lee? No.

Even Naruto and Hinata weren't holding hands on the street. The only couple who were unashamedly and proudly offering signs of deep and mutual affection in public were Ino and Chouji, but Ino never cared about anyone's opinion and Chouji was so smitten with Ino that he blindly followed her anywhere, anytime.

What if Shikamaru only offered her his arm because he thought it would please her and he never expected her to accept it? Maybe he thought she was clingy.

Maybe she _was_ clingy. Here she was, holding on to him for dear life on their first date and after spending only one night with him, and that in itself was plain wrong, going to bed first and dating afterwards… what about 'never have sex with a man on the first date'? Hell, wasn't it 'never let a man kiss you on the first date'?

Well, she did a lot more things before they even talked about dating.

And she was the one who asked him out, not the other way around.

She frowned. But Shikamaru was ok with that, wasn't he? He was too intelligent to take something like that seriously. And Temari had been his girlfriend for years – that woman was anything but shy. Independent, proud, self-reliant, strong, bold, oh yes. Waiting for a man to take the first step – no.

On the other hand, Shikamaru was always old-fashioned, a bit of a male chauvinist, even. Kunoichi were the exception, not the rule in his opinion. Women in general should be silent, smiling, dainty, protected by strong men.

Not that he advertised this opinion a lot with Ino, Temari and his mom around. But wasn't there somewhere a civilian that he had dated for a few months when he and Temari quarrelled once again and for a while it seemed as if this time it was final?

Sakura saw the girl a few times – she was a sweet girl, really, and Shikamaru seemed happy enough with her. What was her name again? Some kind of flower. Sakura didn't remember her very well. It all happened about the time when she and Lee suddenly broke up and she just wasn't ready to meet happy young couples so she saw less of Shikamaru.

Was that really the kind of woman he wanted for himself?

If she had never fallen in love with Sasuke as a child he would not be the kind of man that she'd want for herself. She'd have wanted someone more lively, more fun. Not on the Naruto level, of course… but there should be something else in life beside duty and training and work.

That was when it began to turn cold between them – when she realized that for Sasuke she was another duty. Treat Sakura well, she's such a nice girl. Faithful, loyal, loving. She'll be the ideal vessel for your offspring. Sasuke went through all the moves like a machine. Dates, gifts, sex. And he resented that she wasn't going to cooperate. Or, rather, her body wasn't.

She should be grateful to him for providing an escape route.

Was it something that he had planned in advance? If she hadn't found them fucking like rabbits on the floor, she would have kept trying, _ad infinitum_. Was it part of a plan?

This way he got what he wanted and what was better for both of them in the long run, and he took the blame. When he found he couldn't give anything to her, he at least gave her this – a clean break, as Shikamaru said. And she was the wronged party, the innocent, faithful girlfriend whose heart got broken because her ex-boyfriend was careless and selfish.

Sakura found it was easier to accept this explanation. What really broke her heart was the reverberating question – was that really all I meant to him, a useless object discarded without a thought? Am I really just a peck of dirt on his shoes?

It had been completely different with Lee. When one day he looked at her and said, very seriously, that he thought things were not going the way they were supposed to and she had to agree, they stayed up all night, explaining, arguing, talking, and they both cried. It was hard to break up but it wasn't hard to stay friends.

What if she was on the way to mess this up with Shikamaru, too – wanting too much, too soon, being bossy and loud, and clingy… Did he think she was a slut? Or did he think that she was a sad, forlorn, boring creature who couldn't keep a boyfriend, no matter how hard she tried? Was that the reason why she threw herself at him without any scruples? Because she was too desperate and pathetic to have any morals?

There were so many metaphorical quagmires around.

"What's the matter?" Shikamaru asked, his voice gentle, tentative. "You look sad."

"I'm thinking of all the ways that one can mess up a relationship," Sakura answered without thinking.

"Now that's a fitting theme for a first date," Shikamaru commented drily. "You could follow it up with something on how things always get worse and worse instead of getting better, maybe something about the decline of society in general and the sorry state of the morals of younger generations – hey, Sakura, what if we just put this aside until we get to be about seventy and on the Elders' council? I'm pretty sure that by that time Ino will be a vindictive old biddy and Neji will have forgotten how to talk and will resort to hand signs… and Naruto will still be completely clueless if anything. I'm sure we'll have a field day discussing things like this."

It was simply amazing how Shikamaru could change her mood in seconds. It was almost uncanny, Sakura thought.

"Maybe you're right," she said. Then she added as an afterthought, "And what about Kakashi?"

Shikamaru didn't miss a beat.

"He'll have reached the tender age of… what, eighty-four? Eighty-five? The real Elders will call him Kid. And he'll still be reading Icha Icha. Only sometimes he will forget where he put it, and we'll turn everything upside down looking for it before the meeting."

Sakura was laughing so hard that her face hurt.

"And Kiba's dogs will be running around sniffing and barking…"

"And in the meanwhile Kiba will be telling us about how the day before she dated a young chick, not a day over fifty…"

"And Shino will fly in the window because he will be carried around by his bugs by then…"

They were both laughing now, Sakura still holding on to Shikamaru's arm.

"You're such fun," she said, wondering why she never noticed this before. She couldn't even say that it was a surprise, like his sex life was – it still amazed her how confident and experienced and… uh, masculine he was. Now she saw that each time she looked at him, the way he carried himself, not proud or arrogant, but sure of himself. But his funny, amusing side was nothing new. When she was with team 10, they always had fun together. Ino was always in the center, but it was Shikamaru who was orchestrating things from the background.

Take last summer festival, for example, Sakura thought. Her team was not in Konoha, and she couldn't accompany them on their mission because she was to be on duty in the hospital on the day following the festival. Shizune always pulled in everyone available during and after festivals – there were the firework accidents, wounds from drunken fistfights, sudden colds and the occasional food poisoning to handle the next day. Ino was supposed to work the same shift as Sakura and somehow it was the logical conclusion that they would spend the day together.

Shikamaru was rather different when he wasn't concentrating on his work. He looked the same – bored, distant, aloof; his remarks on the other hand were anything but. Ino and Chouji were totally focused on each other, and the whole day was bearable only because of Shikamaru's company. He took care of Sakura like a big brother would, bought her sweets, complimented her on her dress and told some funny stories about co-workers and friends. One of them was about how Ino and Tsunade-sama, who used to frequent the same shoe store, once found that they wanted the same pair of sandals which happened to be the last one, and an epic battle of catfighting and name-calling followed, while all the men in the store stopped and looked and took bets on who would win.

Sakura laughed like crazy, then Ino turned back and asked what was so funny and they both said 'NOTHING!' like frightened kids, and then started to laugh again, and then Shikamaru said he wanted to take a picture of them. He was ANBU by then, and his grim smile told them everything that moment that they needed to know – how many more summer festivals till they were all together, how many more till he was alive?

Then he said something about wanting a pic of his most beautiful friend, and when Ino asked 'what, me?' he said no, and then Ino asked 'Sakura?' and her tone was jealous, and Sakura was already opening her mouth to say something to alleviate the situation when Shika said coldly, 'I'm talking about Cho, of course – he broke my heart when he cheated on me with you!' and Chouji said in a false surprise, fluttering his eyelashes, 'But you promised never to mention it, sweetheart – let bygones be bygones!' and they carried on and on for minutes, the accusations and endearing terms were getting nastier and funnier, the boys just kept going, their faces serious, and her throat was getting hoarse with laughing… and then Chouji just pulled her and Ino next to him and Shika took the photo of the three of them laughing together.

"Does the mental image of Shino flying around make you so happy? If it does, we could always ask him to…" Shikamaru said, interrupting her thoughts.

"No," Sakura said slowly. "I was thinking of the summer festival, the day I spent with you and Ino and Chouji. You were so sweet," she added, looking up into his face.

"Really?" he asked. "I'd like to know more about that."

"Why did you stop, anyway?" Sakura asked, stalling for time.

"This is the teashop I mentioned," he said, looking at her with a lopsided smile. "Shall we go in?"

Sakura didn't like the place. It was a pity, really. She could see why Shikamaru liked it – it was near the codebreaker department and it was a really friendly little teashop, offering a wide assortment of desserts and sweets and different brands of tea and coffee. The shop also had a back garden with some tables and chairs, and Shikamaru was shown straight to the one in the corner where it was quiet and the commotion outside was almost invisible behind the foliage of the creepers and bushes that separated the garden from the street.

And the waitress was very friendly. Very, very friendly.

Sakura hated this place.

The waitress, a beautiful blonde that could have put Naruto's sexy no jutsu to shame if her skirt was just a tiny bit shorter, was bending forward to Shikamaru, flashing a lot of cleavage and busily pointing out things on the menu that, in Sakura's opinion, needed no pointing out at all.

Shikamaru was smiling politely, either being used to this kind of treatment or not caring one way or another.

Sakura was busy taking turns hating the busty blonde waitress and hating herself. It wasn't as if they were married, for heaven's sake! Shikamaru could talk to whoever he wanted to - especially if he was a regular customer here.

She wasn't unfamiliar with this kind of behaviour from other women, after all. The members of her team were all extremely good-looking. With Kakashi's reputation of having the face of an angel, Yamato's rugged manliness, Sasuke's dark good looks, Sai's almost feminine beauty and Naruto's boyish charm she had to be extra assertive to have her order remembered by swooning waitresses whenever they went out together. She could put this little… this _girl_ in her place with a look – but what if Shikamaru got angry with her – or, even worse, found her jealousy ridiculous?

"So it would be jasmine green tea and dango for you, sir. An excellent choice."

"What would you like, Sakura?" Shikamaru asked.

Sakura was angry with herself. Angry and ashamed. Here she was out on her first date and as possessive as a matriarch. She decided to be extra nice to the waitress so she turned to her with a smile.

"What would you recommend?" she asked.

The waitress shrugged. "All our sweets are fabulous. But if you're on a diet, I'd recommend the fruit salad."

She only took her eyes off Shikamaru to send Sakura a smug smile.

Sakura was also used to other women being bitchy to her – dating Sasuke had its drawbacks. But had this woman just called her fat in front of Shikamaru? She blushed and bit her lip.

Before she could decide whether to excuse herself and run out to the girls' loo or resort to saying something equally bitchy, she felt Shikamaru's hand on her own.

"My friend will have the same as me, thank you," he said to the waitress.

His voice was decidedly colder than before and when Sakura looked up, she saw that this time it was the waitress who blushed.

Shikamaru waited until she disappeared, then he leaned to Sakura and kissed her face.

"Don't think twice about it," he said. "Silly cow. Usually I only come in here when the other waitress is working. I hate it when a woman dangles her breasts in my face without being asked to."

Sakura frowned.

"I can't remember you doing any asking in my case."

"I can't remember you ever throwing yourself at me against my will," Shikamaru said. "It would have been nice to get the VIP treatment just once."

"You just said the words 'against my will,'" Sakura said slowly. "Would that be the VIP treatment you mentioned?"

Shikamaru looked away. Was that a blush on his face? When he looked at Sakura again, the look in his brown eyes was breathtakingly sincere.

"I never envied Uchiha his fangirls. Except for one."

She didn't know what to say, but he changed the subject.

"So… summer festival, hmm? Did I hear you say I was… sweet?" he said, mocking her.

She was saved from answering by a waitress with a teatray in hand who appeared just in time. She was a middle-aged woman, a bit chubby, her shiny dark brown hair in a big but tidy bun. Her hair must be very long, Sakura thought. She resembled Chouji a little, except for her eyes which were sharp, dark and shining with a bird-like curiosity and intelligence.

"Oh, here she is!" Shikamaru commented happily. "My favourite waitress! I thought you were ill or something."

"Nah, I was in the kitchen and didn't hear you coming in, Nara-san," the woman said, busily distributing teacups and plates.

"Suzuki-san - meet my friend, Sakura Haruno. Sakura – this is Suzuki-san. I was talking about her earlier."

"Oh yes," Sakura said with a warm smile. She was ready to embrace this woman if Shikamaru wanted her to. Thank God Shika wasn't referring to the blonde beauty as the reason of his visits here! "Nice to meet you, Suzuki-san. Shikamaru said you were a wise woman but he didn't mention you had such beautiful hair. When you let it down, it probably reaches your waist, doesn't it?"

The waitress tilted her head to one side, like a bird.

"Nice to meet you, Haruno-san. Now I can see why Hikaru is huffing and puffing in the kitchen like someone stepped on her toes."

She turned to Shikamaru. "She's truly beautiful, Nara-san. I've never seen hair like that before. A nice girl, too. So you finally took the courage to ask her out?"

Shikamaru hummed something unintelligible under his breath.

Sakura felt her face redden. "Uh… from a technical point of view… I think it was me doing the asking, Suzuki-san," she said timidly. She could absolutely imagine this woman scolding her for her unfeminine behaviour.

The waitress clucked her tongue.

"Intelligent, too," she remarked, picking up the tray. She turned to Sakura.

"You realized it would take ages for him to make a move?"

Sakura took a look at the man sitting next to her who was clearly embarrassed now and couldn't help rising to his defense. "He likes to plan things well in advance. I can't see anything wrong with that. Anyway, up to recently I was dating someone else."

"Who?" the waitress asked.

It wasn't as if it was any of her business… but it wasn't a secret either.

"Sasuke Uchiha," Sakura said.

"How long?"

The discussion was starting to look like something straight out of a dream, surreal but interesting.

"Four months," Sakura admitted. She felt no pain and no pride mentioning Sasuke's name. She felt nothing toward him any more.

"Resilient, too," Suzuki-san nodded. She turned to Shikamaru once again. "Keep her, by all means. And drink your tea before it gets cold. No kissing and squeezing and embarrassing the other customers in my teashop, may I remind you. Thanks."

She disappeared through the back door, carrying the empty tray like a trophy. Sakura looked at Shikamaru, half expecting him to be annoyed, or maybe laughing. But Shikamaru was stirring his tea with a faraway look on his face.

"Interesting," he murmured. Then he looked at Sakura and everything was back to normal. "Drink your tea and hurry up or I'll eat your dango, too."

"In your dreams, Shikamaru Nara," Sakura retorted. Sex and dating and love affairs were one thing but sharing her sweets with a man was…

Wait a minute. Love?

Sakura concentrated all her will to banish the only really scary four-letter word from her head.

"And now what?" Shikamaru asked. They left the teashop a minute ago and only stopped in the street for a second so that Sakura could take a look at the dresses in a shopwindow. He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and looked at Sakura questioningly. "You don't mind, do you?"

"It's ok," she said. He lit his cigarette and inhaled the smoke deeply.

"What, no lecture on how smoking is bad for me?" he asked mockingly.

Sakura shrugged. "I've heard Ino tell you about all the harm it could do a thousand times," she answered truthfully. "You're one of the smartest people I know, you could probably recite her little speech word by word after the first time, not to mention the thousandth. Anyway, you usually only smoke for one of three reasons."

"Namely?" Shikamaru asked, happily puffing away.

"When you're nervous, when you're very happy... and when you want to badger Ino with it," Sakura answered.

"And which option is it now?" Shikamaru asked.

"I think it's the third," Sakura laughed. "Ino isn't here but I imagine that any overworked medic nin would do if need be."

"Well, that's an option, too," Shikamaru nodded. "But I'm surprised that you chose not to say anything."

"I really don't like it," Sakura said slowly. "I mean it's really quite harmful. But Asuma sensei didn't care either... so as long as you're careful and don't smoke too much, it's your choice. We're shinobi, we'll probably die quite soon anyway..."

"No," Shikamaru said sharply. He threw down the cigarette and stepped on it, then turned to Sakura and cupped her face in his hands. "Don't think of it, Sakura. Not now. I'm sorry, it's my fault."

"No," Sakura whispered. It really isn't, she thought. It's just not. He just had this strange way of making her react with an astounding sincerity, telling him her needs and hopes and... yes. Fears.

But it was not his fault. She smiled up at Shikamaru.

"I'd hate it too if every time you saw me eating chocolate you told me how easily I could put on weight and how ugly that would be," she said, trying to amend the situation.

Shikamaru gently brushed her cheeks with his thumbs before he let her go.

"Not to mention that it wouldn't be true," he said. "If anything, I would tell you to eat more chocolate. I'm not that fond of broomsticks. A woman should be... you know. Full in the right places. Curvy. Feminine."

For the first time since morning Sakura felt really awkward. Was he saying that he didn't really find her attractive? Or the opposite?

Shikamaru either sensed the change in her mood or he was thinking, too, but he stopped talking. They started walking again, Shikamaru taking the lead and Sakura returned to her thoughts.

She was never tall and willowy, that's true, but she didn't consider herself curvy and feminine either. Her breasts were too small for that. They weren't _awfully_ small, thank God, but compared to Ino, well… Hinata and Tsunade were even better examples. She would never be like them. She was more angular and muscled and... well, kind of stocky. She had no extra fat on her – no kunoichi would allow that. It meant too much food and lack of training and that could very well result in failed missions. And failed missions often meant death for someone – be it you or your teammates.

But curvy and feminine? That would be someone like Kurenai. Ample bosom, wide hips, narrow waist, long, beautiful, shining hair and a soft, perfect, oval face.

And perfect manners to go with it. Sakura loved Kurenai, she often babysitted for her and she found her charming and sweet – but she couldn't help envying her just a little for her beauty.

No one ever called Kurenai a hag. Or ugly. Or annoying. Or bossy. Or loud.

She didn't have a wide forehead, either.

Shikamaru liked Kurenai, too. He was always there for her. He wasn't much more than seventeen when Asuma's baby girl was born but he behaved like a family friend, a man decades older than his actual age. He moved Kurenai closer to the Nara family, helped her buy clothes and toys, painted the rooms. He held Kurenai's hand when she was giving birth. He was the first to hold the baby after she was born.

He was the one who held Kurenai when she sobbed for Asuma who would never be there to hold them, who would never see their child.

Sakura knew that she would never be someone like Kurenai - as feminine as her or as beautiful or as nice.

If Shikamaru wanted someone like Kurenai, Sakura simply wouldn't fit the bill.

Was he secretly in love with Kurenai?

Sakura tried to push these thoughts away. Shikamaru usually wasn't talkative or open, that's true – but he always kept his word. Sakura was one of the privileged few who actually saw him open up and show his private face. Most people he met everyday would have been astounded to see him joke and smile at her. Most of the time he was the living embodiment of rule 25 – expressionless, emotionless, bored, distant. Temari sometimes called him a crybaby and Shikamaru gave his usual reaction – none.

The general opinion in Konoha was that Temari had a strange sense of humour. Most people would have sooner imagined Ibiki parading around in a Speedo than Shikamaru expressing emotions. But there was still a limit, a difference. Shikamaru was reserved and aloof but he didn't lie. He didn't manipulate people. Most of the time he was contented with the role of the spectator, he only participated if he was explicitly asked to do so or if he felt he needed to.

That led straight to another question that suddenly cropped up in Sakura's mind - why was he acting now in this unusual way with her?

Sakura knew that she was a smart girl. She was also aware of the fact that Shikamaru was even smarter. What's more, she knew that while Shikamaru planned everything in cold blood and his plans usually worked, she was impulsive and emotional. She relied on her instincts.

But right now her instincts didn't seem to be working properly. Last night Shikamaru didn't behave like he usually did and she reacted impulsively. He set things in motion, true. He invited her out for a drink, but that was all. He stopped there. The snowball effect that followed was her own doing. They had sex, yes, and it was very good. He said some very flattering things to her, too. _But_. There was always the little word _'but'_ in the back of her mind.

But which man would refuse sex with no strings attached? Not a single, healthy man, that's for sure.

But did that mean that he had feelings for her?

Probably not. They'd been working next to each other in the lab for weeks and he was almost cold to her.

Was she making the same mistake again?

Once she thought that Sasuke loved her – behind the cold exterior he had feelings for her, he felt she was special. It would have been the perfect solution – things never worked out with Lee because she loved him but she wasn't in love with him. He was not the One. Sasuke was.

Then suddenly she was forced to see that she was just daydreaming. He felt nothing.

It was a lasting lesson.

People usually don't change the patterns of their behaviour unless they absolutely have to.

Shikamaru was now behaving in an unusual way – but did that mean that he felt something more than satisfaction?

Sakura had no answer. She only knew that if she thought it carefully over again, it was quite likely that Shikamaru did not change his behaviour patterns. She was simply looking at him in a different situation. His usual partners were ANBU, right? He wouldn't try to play games with them. Those girls would just kick his ass if they found out. He probably behaves like that with every new partner of his, Sakura decided. Nice smiles, kind remarks. No reason to hurt them or be rude to them. Maybe next time he would need them again – it wouldn't do any good to make them angry.

On the other hand, her behaviour patterns were nothing unusual, either. She was like every other woman in the village – she heard her teammates' stories so many times she could recite the moves by heart.

Praise her eyes. Praise her hair. Praise her legs (or her bone structure, if you want to sound sophisticated). Buy her a drink.

She's all yours.

Next day you'll be thinking of your next mission and whether to buy some new kunai.

She'll be thinking about dating and flowers... and maybe love.

Sakura was deeply ashamed. How could she have been so shortsighted, so ridiculously biased to think it meant anything to him? Sure, Shikamaru was taking extra care to be nice to her – of course he was! Ino would just kick his ass if he hurt her! He was probably thinking about how he could let her down without any pain!

It took all her strength to push back the tears. Sakura found years ago that if she gave herself a straight order as if it came from her sensei or from a team captain, the tears would stay where they belonged, safely and invisibly in her eyes. _Don't even try to cry, stupid. Don't you dare._

But why was it so important what Shikamaru might be feeling?

There was something here, Sakura thought with growing fear. Shikamaru didn't see anything wrong with the way things turned out. He didn't treat her condescendingly, he wasn't impolite or impatient. He seemed to find the situation completely normal.

In fact, he was a perfect gentleman, not only in his manners but in the way he handled the whole situation.

Sakura tried to remember something, anything about rumours on Shikamaru's partners. She came up with absolutely nothing. Shikamaru wasn't extroverted like Naruto – Shikamaru resembled Sasuke, if anyone. He never shared information if he could avoid it, never pried into other people's affairs unnecessarily, and was discreet to the point of obsession.

He was not the type to kiss and tell.

She was free to go if she wanted to, and Shikamaru made it clear that they would stay friends. She had nothing to lose.

Sakura considered her own growing uneasiness. Yes, there was definitely something here that she still needed to think about.

Yesterday everything seemed easy. It was something she wanted to try, just out of curiosity. But this morning... there was the yukata. The way he made breakfast for her. The way he could change her mood with a laugh, with a remark. He knew how to handle women, that was for sure.

Oh, the shampoo. The towels, too!

Sakura gave a tiny nod, completely forgetting for a moment that she wasn't alone. He was brilliant, she had to concede that.

Only a man who 'entertained' a lot would give a thought to these things – how women and men used completely different brands of shampoo and soap, and how it was a dead giveaway if a girl went to work smelling of one of those mossy or lemony things that shops love to advertise as 'a deeply masculine brand'. A woman could just as well wear a sign around her neck – 'wild night with a random guy' – because if it had been something mutual, something planned, she would have taken her own things with her. Oh hell.

Double hell, now that she thought of it. She used his shampoo and soap without thinking. It was because it was his smell, his possessions, the objects he touched every day. She should have chosen the other brand.

And the towels! "Take as many as you want."

Most men don't even know, much less care that a woman would need at least two towels, one for her body and one for her hair, but if she has long hair, it might take even more, and if she has make-up to get rid of...

All his gestures betrayed nothing but gentleness toward her and a deep understanding of the female psyche. That, that was the problem! He was too smooth, too refined – his gestures were meant to appease her, ease her fears. It was like a shogi game – he foresaw not only all her moves, but all the underlying motives, too. She stood naked in front of him – naked not only in body, but in soul and mind while he kept his distance.

She was in his power and he was still a free agent, aloof, distant, cool as usual.

Sakura didn't like that. Not a bit. It was Sasuke all over again. Hell, it was Sasuke with a double turbo. He had all the winning cards and she had fuck all.

And Sakura desperately wanted him to feel more. She didn't want to be a common one-night-stand, a passing moment in his life. She wanted more. But Shikamaru never offered anything more. He'd never promised her anything. He asked her out once, because she asked him to, had sex with her because she asked him to, and now he was spending time with her simply because he felt like it.

That was why it was not Shikamaru's fault. It was her problem and hers alone.

It was impossible to tell what his deeper emotions were – but why should he have any?

That was not part of the deal.

There was no way she could change that.

She felt a strange calm, not unlike the feeling she usually had on missions in the middle of action. There was nothing she could do. She should have waited and measured the possible outcomes, she should have thought it over instead of throwing herself headlong into the unknown. Now it was too late.

She might as well enjoy it as long as it lasted.

She should try to play it cool for a while, though, she thought. Shikamaru had done nothing wrong, it would be unfair to burden him with further expectations. Expectations were a burden on a person, right? He said that himself, right? The least she could do was act like an adult and not like a greedy, pushy, immature child. She would never look at ANBU girls the same way again, Sakura thought bitterly. But enough of that - she still had this day.

Tomorrow might never arrive anyway. She was born just after the last ninja war ended, but in her lifetime she already survived several invasions and death was now more a passing acquintance than a stranger. Carpe diem and all that jazz.

She _was_ greedy, that was the problem. It will be so strange to return to her everyday life, to her missions with her team, knowing that Shikamaru is around somewhere, living his usual life.

She flashed a smile at her companion to make up for her long silence.

"Where are we going, anyway? I don't want to be a spoilsport but it seems to me that we're slowly leaving the village. You want to spar or what? Because if so, you should have told me, I would have eaten less."

"I hope you don't think I'm a moron enough to try and spar with you just after we've eaten," Shikamaru said with a smirk. "You'd wipe the floor with me if only just to prove you still could."

Sakura smiled. Shikamaru was well aware of her strength, just as she was aware of his skills and the fact that the match would be far from easy.

"I don't think you were hand-picked for ANBU only because of your intelligence so skip the false humility, will you? And you haven't given me an answer. Where are we going?" she asked again.

Shikamaru sighed.

"It's a surprise. I could tell you but..."

"...then you'd have to kill me or what?" Sakura said with a snort.

"No. I just wanted to say that then it wouldn't be a surprise, of course," Shikamaru said slowly. "But if you..."

"No," Sakura interrupted him hurriedly. "If it's a surprise, I don't want to spoil it."

Shikamaru smiled. "We're almost there. Just you wait."

The way he said it made Sakura's heart suddenly go faster.

They left the big apartment buildings, then the smaller houses and arrived at the part of the village where some of the big family compounds were situated. The Hyuuga and the Uchiha household were both in another part of the town, but both the Inuzuka and the Nara houses and grounds were nearby. The Yamanakas' shop wasn't far either, but it was not in this direction.

Was he taking her to his family's house?

Sakura's heart was beating a steady rhythm as fast as if she were running.

Maybe he just wanted to pick something up from his father's house.

Still, she couldn't quite get rid of that image that came out of nowhere – Shikamaru taking her home to his parents, telling them...

Telling them what? 'Oh, mom, dad, Sakura and I had great sex last night, and then she wanted me to date her and I had to agree so that she wouldn't beat me to a pulp, isn't that fantastic?'

Well, so much about that, Sakura thought.

"You seem to speak a lot less than usual," Shikamaru said suddenly. "Am I that boring a companion?"

"Now where did that come from?" Sakura asked with a frown. Really, Shikamaru had the most interesting ideas and most of the time it was impossible to tell if he was joking. Maybe he was just making fun of her. "Does that mean that usually I speak so much that you don't have to talk at all?"

Sasuke said something like that once, Sakura thought. He said that living with her would be like living in a beehive - constant buzzing and an occasional sting thrown in for good measure.

His remark didn't upset her – he said it in such a way that made it clear that it was a joke, and it was long before they began dating. She was happy that he was slowly getting out of his shell, that he started to behave like any other human being and made a joke. Even if it wasn't a very good joke.

"You think of him all the time, don't you?" Shikamaru asked casually.

Sakura looked at him but he was gazing at the sky, his expression calm and distant as usual.

"Not all the time, no. But quite often," Sakura admitted. "The situation is rather... complicated. I can't just say that it was all his fault and get over it. If something goes wrong in a relationship, usually both parties are at fault. I have to find out what exactly went wrong between us and then find out to what extent I am the one to blame. I really wanted this to work and I was sure that I wanted it for his sake just as much as mine – but I made a mistake somewhere. A miscalculation, if you please."

"Sakura, relationships are not based on logic. You should be aware of that by now."

"Yes, I know," Sakura sighed. She stopped and looked at the sky, too. "But tell me this – if logic has nothing to do with it, then whether you think it's hormones or pheromones or memories of bonding with your parents or whatever, basically you're saying it's fate and there's nothing to be done, right? It's fate and we have no control over it, not in the slightest. If you're lucky you find a person you can fall in love with and if you're _very_ lucky they even love you back... but after that it's just fate."

"I think that's basically true, Sakura," Shikamaru said. He turned to Sakura, his face serious. "You just have to accept that there are some aspects of your life that you have no control over. It's like death. One makes plans, one tries to play it safe, but in the end we all die. All of us. We don't know when, we don't know how. We have no control over this. All we can do is enjoy life while we can."

"Are you saying that love is as inevitable as death? Is that what you're saying?" Sakura asked, interested against herself.

Shikamaru rubbed his nose with his thumb. There was something boyish about him, something shy.

"Yes," he said finally. "I think love is exactly like that. Except that some people would rather close their eyes and close their hearts so that love wouldn't find them. But I don't think that's possible, you know. Contrary to the popular belief, love does not conquer all. Love is not omnipotent. But it is omnipresent. Does it make any sense to you what I'm saying?"

"Yes, yes it does," Sakura said slowly. She took a deep breath and asked the question that had been lingering in her mind for a time. "But how can you apply your theory to Sasuke?"

"To you and Sasuke, you mean," Shikamaru corrected her quietly. "I think yours is a pretty common case, in fact."

Sakura looked at him. "You mean chasing a boy who never cared about me and in the end he proved this in the most obvious way?"

Shikamaru wrinkled his nose. "No," he said. "I meant that there are people who want to avoid love at all costs and there are others who want to be in love. That's the majority of people, in fact. So sometimes people who have nothing else in common but the desire to experience this feeling find each other. They are not in love with each other as they are. They are in love with their own idea of being loved. Fairly common, as I said."

His tone made it clear that as far as he was concerned this subject was finished.

Sakura watched his profile, the glint of sunshine on his earring, his hair. She was burning with curiosity – did it ever happen to Shikamaru, too? Was Temari just a daydream?

No, she couldn't ask that, Sakura decided. It had nothing to do with her problem anyway. Deep inside she always knew that there was something wrong with Sasuke. Shikamaru was right, she got a chance to prove that she and Sasuke really belonged to each other, and while at thirteen what they had between them could have been real and alive, by now it had become a faded memory that they'd both held on to for far too long. But there was real feeling in the few words that Shikamaru said about Temari, a feeling of deep sadness and... longing? Maybe he still wanted her back.

Oh, I'm ridiculous, Sakura thought suddenly. I pair him off with everyone I can think of. First Kurenai, now Temari. Next it will be Ino. Or Tenten. Or Tsunade-sama.

She found it difficult not to smile. Her mind automatically began to shift pros and cons. They spent a lot of time together, didn't they? And shishou, thanks to her anti-ageing jutsu, still looked young and beautiful. And Shikamaru wasn't a boy any more, he was a young man. Oh, there might be something more to those late night discussions about strategy than anyone supposed... Wild sex in the Hokage's office, huh? Maybe that desk wasn't as hard as it looked. Maybe it wasn't just sake that made her shishou complain about lack of sleep in the morning.

She had to suppress a giggle.

"What's so funny?" Shikamaru enquired.

Sakura looked at him guiltily and didn't answer.


	5. Chapter 5

They left the last houses and the forest swallowed them. There was no path or track to follow, but in a few minutes the forest discharged them next to a fence that seemed to be just some taut wires and a wooden gate to the untrained eye but where Sakura could see the crisscrossing chakra lines between them. She couldn't help but ask, "What is this?"

"Well, from here on this is Nara territory as far as you can see," Shikamaru said. "No one ever comes here uninvited."

He opened the gate and Sakura felt the chakra flare as the gate recognized Shikamaru's handprint. They had to wade through the low shrubs and high grass that covered everything in sight but the next steps, and then they were out on a meadow that seemed to stretch endlessly toward the horizon in a gentle slope.

"It's beautiful."

It was a small hillside completely surrounded by the forest. The very last houses of the village were invisible from here, and the forest filtered the constant noise of the village. Here everything was green, smelling of spring grass and blessedly silent.

Sakura turned to Shikamaru and repeated her question. "What is this place?"

Shikamaru smiled. "I thought you would like to see where we harvest the medicinal plants that are mentioned in our scrolls - the ones you and I have been working on in the past weeks. This is one of those places."

Sakura sat down in the grass, amazed. She knew a lot of plants by heart and recognized them not only in illustrations but in their natural habitat, but this field was like a medieval herbarium come alive. Just where she was sitting, she could see fragrant thyme, willowherb, lady's mantle, mullein, celandine and different kinds of violets at an arm's length. The meadow was full of flowers hidden in the high grass, only the taller flowers peeking out in places. Further away there were drier, rockier patches, all the colours of the rainbow scattered around them in pastel splashes. The leaves were gently whispering in the breeze. This was a garden that she only ever saw in her dreams before but could never remember when she woke up.

"And here comes the welcoming committee," Shikamaru said in a soft voice.

"Move very slowly."

Sakura looked up, making sure she did so without any sudden movement.

There were two hinds standing quite near with their fawns, looking at Shikamaru with big, liquid eyes. It struck her suddenly that those eyes, deep, dark and mysterious, were not unlike Shikamaru's.

Sakura could hardly breathe. She remembered coming once or twice to Shikamaru's place with Ino when they were children, and she also remembered seeing deer near his parents' house, but they never came this close. Never.

"Aren't they afraid of you?" Sakura whispered.

"Not really, no," Shikamaru answered. "I've known most of them since they were born. I'm one of the people who feed them regularly in winter and there is no hunting here. Don't forget, only members of my family have permission to come here at all. Do you want to meet them?"

Sakura was aware that Shikamaru was watching her but she couldn't quite make herself turn to him and take her eyes off the fawns.

"Yes," she said, enraptured. "Oh yes, please!"

She did not see Shikamaru come closer but felt him near her, his scent, his warmth. He took hold of her hand and slowly pulled her to her feet.

The hinds watched them solemnly, their eyes showing no fear.

"There you go."

His voice was deep, gentle. Sakura watched him taking slow steps toward the animals, then holding out his hand. One of the hinds sniffed it, then stepped closer and playfully nudged Shikamaru with her nose.

"In a minute," Shikamaru said, laughing. "We've got a guest today. Come here now, Sakura. Slowly."

Sakura obeyed him, crossing over to him with small, timid steps. Shikamaru pulled something out of his pocket and put it in Sakura's hand.

It was a lump of sugar.

"Do they always get sugar when you come here?" Sakura asked quietly.

"No, it's not really good for them," Shikamaru said. "But they are fond of sweet things, and sometimes they feel like having some unhealthy snack, just like humans. Open your hand and offer it that way, with your palm up. Just like you'd do with a horse. Good girl."

Sakura thought at first that Shikamaru was still talking to her, but then she saw that the last sentence was addressed to the hind who graciously took the lump of sugar out of her hand, then looked at Shikamaru, obviously waiting to be praised.

Shikamaru patted her neck. It seemed to be the sign that the others could follow, and suddenly there were deer bustling around them, impatiently crowding each other and waiting for their share of sweets and gentle touches.

Sakura watched Shikamaru, his gentle, expert touch, his straight back, his graceful movements and found herself ridiculously and absurdly jealous of the deer. For God's sake, do _all_ females find him irresistible, not only those of his own race?

She could hardly suppress her laugh when one of the fawns miscalculated the length of his next step and bumped into Shikamaru, then into one of the hinds.

"Whoa, boy, careful!" Shikamaru said in an easy, benevolent manner.

"They don't really behave like wild animals," Sakura said, wondering aloud. "They are more like… cats, or something."

"Not all of them," Shikamaru said. He looked up and his eyes went wide, surprised and awed. "Really," he whispered. "Careful, Sakura. Looks like news got around."

There was another deer walking toward them slowly from the forest. Even to Sakura's eye it was obvious that this was not an everyday visit. It was a stag, the biggest one that Sakura had ever seen this close. His behaviour was nothing short of that of a visiting royalty. He watched them all, and his presence stopped all the others in their stride. The picture was frozen. Sakura couldn't move either. The stag kept on walking toward them, unhurried, unscared, head held high. When he was only a few steps away from them he stopped and looked first at Shikamaru, then at Sakura, his nonhuman, strange gaze sweeping over them.

Sakura could almost hear him in her head. 'I see you. You don't count. I do. This is my forest. This is my meadow.'

Then he turned his head to one side and looked at Sakura from one eye, a long, inscrutable, not quite unfriendly look, then turned and walked back a few steps. No one moved. He looked back again then with a mighty leap started to run and disappeared in the forest, the hinds and fawns slowly following.

Sakura was still just standing there, enchanted, when Shikamaru asked, his voice full of surprise, "Now what the hell was that?"

Sakura looked at him and laughed, a sudden burst of happiness.

"Well, if you don't know, who does?"

Shikamaru was still watching the edge of the clearing.

"Blessed if I know", he murmured.

After the deer were gone, they started climbing the hill. Sakura stopped every few steps to identify plants and bombarded Shikamaru with questions. She shouldn't have been surprised that Shikamaru knew all these plants, their names and uses, complete with the usual dosage and ways of preparation, but she was. She knew that Shikamaru's knowledge was extensive in most areas but, like most people, she supposed that most of this knowledge was centered around warfare, weapons, strategical and tactical planning and such. Funny, but it has never occurred to her before that he came from a family of healers.

There was a little cold spring hidden under some hawthorne bushes on the hillside that Shikamaru showed her on their way up. The spring trickled out into a small stone basin, then, overpouring from the basin, it first formed a tiny little pool under the bushes that reflected miniature portions of sky and clouds, and then disappeared without hardly a trace in the grass, where only the deeper green of the grass leaves showed the abundance of water.

"You can drink from it, if you want to", Shikamaru said. "The water is very clear."

They both washed their hands in the pool then drank from the spring. The water was freezing cold and tasted sweet.

"It's lovely," Sakura said with a dreamy look in her eyes.

"There are quite a few springs nearby, both hot and cold," Shikamaru said.

Sakura was trying very hard not to turn green with envy. To have your own forest and your own meadow was in itself wonderful, but having not one but several hot springs of your own, that was over the top.

Anyway, this was not Shikamaru's property, Sakura thought. It was clan property, and Shikamaru's family probably worked a lot to maintain everything as it was.

They climbed straight to the hilltop. The minute they arrived, Shikamaru threw himself down on the grass with a satisfied grunt and stretched lazily. Sakura sat down next to him, watching the long grass lying down in silky, silvery waves as the wind blew over it.

"I envy you sooo much," Sakura said.

"Because of this place?"

"Yes. I mean, I love my apartment but it's just an apartment. It has no garden. It's silly, really, I'm out on missions a lot and it's not like I live in a concrete jungle anyway, but a garden… If I ever get married, I want to have a house with a big garden. Not something like this, of course – that would be impossible. This is like the ancient forefather of all gardens."

"Yeah, there's something about that," Shikamaru said. "And you know the best thing about this all?" He made a sweeping gesture with his hand to include the whole hillside.

"What?" Sakura asked, curious to see what other wonders may yet be in store.

"I never have to mow the lawn."

"Lazy man," Sakura said, giggling.

At times like this she couldn't quite figure out why she worried so much about what Shikamaru might be thinking. He was the epitome of nonchalance. Except…

Except, Sakura thought, she should keep in mind that she saw him fight several times and even then he looked indifferent, to say the least, but his plans belied this indifference. Nothing was ever done in a hurry; chance or luck played no part in his successes.

There was also something lurking under the surface that Sakura couldn't quite grasp. It was there ever since he left ANBU. No, that wasn't quite true – it first became perceptible to her when he was still with the Black Ops.

She wasn't sure she was right. It was just a passing feeling, a whiff of something she couldn't identify. Something like when the Kyuubi didn't quite take over Naruto's personality but was still there, looking at her through Naruto's eyes.

Kakashi had the same thing in him, this lurking strangeness, this awful _cold._ He was always polite to her, nice even, but there were times when Sakura thought about whether Kakashi would ever kill her if she turned rogue, and the answer was always _yes_. It was logical and understandable, but it wasn't a very comforting thought.

"This was what I missed the most while I was in ANBU," Shikamaru said quietly, as if he had a way to listen in to a few fragments of Sakura's thoughts.

"This place?" Sakura asked. "I can understand that, it's beautiful. But why couldn't you just come here sometimes, and…"

Shikamaru propped himself up on one elbow. "Sakura. You don't understand."

"Explain, then."

"It's a long story."

"We've got time," Sakura said. She took a long look at Shikamaru and carefully said, "It seems to me you could use a friend right now. So I'll lend you an ear if you want me to."

Shikamaru looked at Sakura and sighed.

"It was all Tsunade's idea, you know," he said slowly. "I had no intention of even trying to get into ANBU. But she said she needed someone with a fresh eye to solve some problems."

"What problems?"

"I knew you would ask and unfortunately I can't tell you. Basically I was around as a troubleshooter and I had to see everything for myself. This implied that I had to serve at least for a short time in all the divisions."

He sighed again.

"The reason I was willing to do this is that in tactical planning it's a big advantage if one has not only theoretical but also practical knowledge about an area. Different divisions and squads in ANBU have different approaches and different abilities, skills, weapons, plans, you name it. It was really great to have firsthand experience about it all. But unfortunately this meant that each time I was at a new division I started from the beginning."

He lied on his back and for a while he was silent. Sakura lied down next to him, their bodies almost touching.

"I thought it would be hard, and it was hard," Shikamaru said slowly. "I thought it would be useful, and it was, so that was ok. What I didn't count on were the trivial things. It wasn't always noisy, but there was never complete silence, and I was never alone. For the rookies who just start ANBU it is obligatory to stay in their division all the time, sleep in the dorms, eat in the mess. After a while I went almost crazy with desire to go somewhere, anywhere, where I'm alone and not surrounded by people all the time. I literally couldn't hear myself thinking. And that was just the start - there were other things, too."

"Like what?" Sakura asked.

Shikamaru turned toward her and smiled at her. His smile was a bit sad. He hesitated a little before he spoke again. "I don't really want to talk that much about ANBU. Not here. Not now. I thought I could, but I can't. I love this place too much and I brought you here because I thought you would appreciate the beauty of all this."

"I do," Sakura said, turning her head toward him. "Thank you." She wondered what she could say to express her gratitude but the first thing that came to her mind were not words but imaginary snapshots of the deer with their very un-deer-like behaviour. Sakura could quite imagine those hinds now discussing Shikamaru and her somewhere deep in the forest – 'That young female, she should have brought us a few carrots at least, but these human beings are so stupid!' 'Really, darling, she's just besotted with that boy. Nothing wrong with that, even if I say so. Instead of criticising everyone else, maybe you should have taught your son not to be so impertinent!' 'Oh really? You're one to talk about impertinence, darling! I saw you gobble up not one, not two, but three lumps of sugar! The cheek!'

In the end she just said, "Those fawns were just so cute!" She laughed, feeling the same joy again as she remembered the deer scuffling around them to have another lump of sugar and Shikamaru, distributing the goods with the serious look of a father who adores his noisy and not very well-behaved children and does not care too much that others may not share his opinion.

Shikamaru said, 'oh, you' and leaned towards Sakura, gave her a small peck on the cheek then flopped on his back again.

It was just as Shikamaru had said. This was a place that made it easy to find one's peace. Time seemed to go slower here. One eternal moment, stretching toward the invisible borders of the magic wood, washing grief, pain and sorrow out of the soul.

"Sakura."

"Hmm."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Hmm. You already did."

"Another one, then."

Sakura was lying on her back, her head on Shikamaru's arm. The sun was shining and the sky was blue and the clouds were of the kind that made one think of whipped cream. Or candyfloss. Or cream puffs.

Sakura wondered if Shikamaru ever thought of sweets when he watched the clouds. No, she decided. If he did, he wouldn't be so thin. Nobody could stay so thin who thought of cream puffs every day.

"Ok. Shoot."

"What was the matter between you and Lee?" Shikamaru asked. After a second, he added, "I know it's none of my business. It's just… I can't even imagine what could have gone wrong. He was so in love with you. You know."

Sakura frowned. She didn't mind talking about Lee, that memory wasn't painful anymore, but she couldn't imagine why Shikamaru would want to know. Probably somewhere in that genius brain of his he found there was a piece in the puzzle that didn't fit, and Shikamaru hated it when he couldn't figure something out completely.

"Part of the problem was that he was not in love with me. He was in love with an ideal me, so to speak," Sakura said, thinking.

She wondered how she could put it in words so that Shikamaru would understand.

"Sometimes he talked about me in third person singular even when I was there with him, without looking at me," she said slowly. "And I just sat there, listening. I wasn't proud or flattered or anything like that. I just kept looking over my shoulder, you know – because as God sees my soul, I would have liked to meet this Sakura person he was talking about. She seemed so competent and sure of herself and stuff. Which I wasn't, not all the time."

Sakura stopped for a moment, then added, "It got worse and worse. I couldn't turn to him for help in anything, you know. Either he got angry and started shouting that he would, in the name of honour, kill the offending party – that's fine if someone threatens me, say, but what if they just borrowed my lab coat without asking, that sort of thing -, or he just said that I was so clever and everything, I would surely manage to solve this problem… and then hooray, back to square one, let's praise Sakura, she's such a wonderful girl."

Shikamaru chuckled and shook his head.

"It sounds funny, but it wasn't," Sakura said with a small sigh. "After a time I felt so completely alone. Not lonely, just… It's hard to explain. He didn't see me. He didn't hear me. He was living in his own world. I tried and tried so hard, but everyone said how he loved me and how happy I must be, and…"

"You just felt trapped," Shikamaru finished for her.

Sakura nodded. "Ino never understood why I was willing to take a chance with Sasuke. She thought I must have suffered some brain damage I wasn't aware of or something. She even wanted me to have a brain scan. Don't you dare to laugh!" she said angrily. Shikamaru was watching her without a word, his eyes full of merriment.

„Oh, it's ridiculous enough, I agree. But the point is, Sasuke was kind of the opposite of Lee, you know. I was rather fed up with big words by then. Sasuke isn't the kind who dresses things up. He's easy to deal with in a lot of things. He wants to be left alone. He hardly ever interfered with my work or told me what to do or what to wear or who to see. Lee was _everywhere_. I mean, the only people I could see with him in tow were his own team who were used to him, or my teammates because he and Naruto sort of negated each other, and Sai was thrilled to spur them on, whatever they did. Also, Sasuke is rather blunt, but when it's about something important, he always comes through. There was a limit to what he would do for me, but within those limits I could count on him."

"Doesn't seem very romantic," Shikamaru said.

"I didn't want romantic, Shikamaru. I wanted someone who would stand by me. I know who I am and where I stand and I never wanted him to be something he wasn't. Ino could never understand that."

"It just seems strange to me that you would want so little from life," Shikamaru said quietly.

Sakura looked at him. "Don't forget, Shikamaru, that you come from one of the important clans," she said just as quietly. "I'm not very much more than a civilian. I like you and Ino and Chouji, but I don't think you know that much about me."

"What are you talking about?"

"There are different layers of the truth, you know. Sasuke sometimes treated me like shit. You think I didn't know? But there's a mitigating factor: he treats everyone like shit, not just me. He's just the opposite of those guys who suck up to me now because I'm the Hokage's apprentice and one of the best medics in Konoha and made my life a living hell when I was a kid."

"I don't understand…" Shikamaru began.

Sakura looked at him. "Of course you don't. Of course. Ino doesn't understand, either. Every time I had a very real, very serious problem with Sasuke, she began to bleat about my low self-esteem."

"You don't have low self-esteem?" Shikamaru said.

Sakura's lips were shaped into a strange smile. "No, I think I know exactly what I'm worth. I think it's you and Ino who have no idea about how things really happen in our beloved little village."

Shikamaru gave an unbelieving little laugh. "You really think there are things in this village I know nothing about?"

"_Nothing_ is too strong a word. I'd just say very little, to be exact."

There was a momentary silence, then Sakura asked, "Do you remember when we were at the academy? What you were like? Sleeping through class or playing truant with Naruto, Chouji and Kiba whenever you could? And do you remember me, what I was like?"

"Tsk," Shikamaru said.

"Don't you tsk me, Shikamaru Nara. Just answer me."

"Sure I remember. You were the bane of my existence. I made a nice little plan to get myself out of some extremely boring and useless activity, and you just took a look at it and found the only weak point."

Shikamaru imitated Iruka sensei's voice, "'and now we're going to gather those autumn leaves in the park…' and then you chirped in, 'Iruka sensei, Iruka sensei, shouldn't Shikamaru come with us, too? He's asleep under that bench!' Gosh!"

Sakura smiled. "Yes, I remember that, too. So the question I'd like to ask is this – why were you able to do it? To get out of school and not care a button?"

"I told you, I was bored."

"No. I'm not asking why you wanted to. I'm asking why you could."

Shikamaru frowned.

"I'll tell you, Shikamaru. Naruto lives in a different world of his own. He always did. He's another cup of tea altogether. But you and Chouji and Kiba could do this because you could afford to."

Sakura sighed. "You were all from prestigious shinobi families," she said gently. "You all had kekkei genkai."

"That had nothing to do…" Shikamaru began.

"On the contrary, it had everything to do with it," Sakura interrupted calmly. "I, on the other hand, come from a small clan. I had no kekkei genkai. No special shinobi skills. No talent. I realized very soon that all I had was my intelligence and even that wasn't unique. I managed to stay in class because I worked twice as hard as anyone else. Accordingly, I was a nonentity in school. Talent and skill are very important at the academy. We all wanted to be jounins, and there was a pretty clear general opinion on which people would be top dogs later."

"Tsk. The general opinion about me was that I'd spend my time watching clouds and, let me tell you, even I agreed on this. And look at me now," Shikamaru said.

"I'm still saying you could afford it. I couldn't. I had no magic wand and no fairy godmother. I still work twice as hard as anyone else in the hospital, and things haven't changed that much since the Academy."

"Sakura, you're about one of the most sought-after medics! Everyone knows by now that you're just as good as Tsunade!"

Sakura looked at Shikamaru. _Really, he is so sweet. He really believes he's right,_ she thought.

"Shikamaru, that's not enough to change my place in the pecking order," she began slowly. Was it a wise thing to tell him this? Well, he should know how things happen here, she thought. It's his village, too. "Listen to this. A few months ago, just before Sasuke and I started to date, the clan leader of one of the famous shinobi families sent me a message. Basically they offered me a lot of money for getting impregnated by one of the clan members. Before you misunderstand and say something about arranged marriage and such, this wasn't an offer of marriage. This person would get me pregnant, then they would pay me for my services, and if – remember this, Shikamaru: if – the child shows the family's kekkei genkai, they will adopt him or her. If not, they would pay me a nice, hefty sum to raise the child. Without bothering the father with our existence, of course."

She raised her eyes to Shikamaru's face.

Shikamaru was white with anger. "Who were they? The Hyuugas?"

"It doesn't matter, Shikamaru," Sakura said tiredly. "By that time, I knew what to expect, you know? You and Ino will never have this problem. Tenten, on the other hand, knows what I'm talking about. We are all right for warming someone's bed. As to marriage, we still have a lot of people to choose from. Only not from the big clans. There are equals and there are more equals. You know."

Sakura looked straight into Shikamaru's eyes. "I know you hate Sasuke. I understand that. You don't have to like him. But he asked me out, he tried hard to treat me nicely. It's just not in his nature to be warm or caring or nurturing or whatever. But he has no family, and he was spared only because the village didn't want to lose his bloodline. When the council started to pressure him toward getting married and hint at my shortcomings as a possible wife, Sasuke told them to get stuffed and stuck up for me. I'm sorry that things turned out this way. I don't really know what to make of all this. Sometimes I think that he's a real bastard, sometimes I feel awfully sorry for him."

"You know that this is all bullshit, Sakura," Shikamaru said evenly. "If anyone told you that the council would have a vote in who should marry whom, they are completely loony."

"I didn't mean there was a rule or something about it," Sakura said. "I only meant people know what's good for them. Do you doubt that I got that letter and the offer was just as I described it?"

"No," Shikamaru said reluctantly. "I can't see what good it would do for you to lie about something like that and it wouldn't be hard to check it anyway. But I… I still find it hard to believe."

"Do you doubt that the elders tried to persuade Sasuke? If you do, you should ask Kiba. Sasuke never told me anything about the whole business. It was Kiba – he was waiting in front of the council room to get his well-deserved dressing down for some kind of misdemeanor when Sasuke appeared on the corridor, ripped the door open and they all started shouting."

Shikamaru pursed his lips and looked at Sakura.

"Why didn't you tell me about this offer at the time?" he asked. "Hell, why didn't you tell Ino? Or Kakashi. Did you even tell Kakashi? Or Tsunade-sama?"

"And what on earth could any of you do?" Sakura asked. She felt the pain and humiliation again, and then the fear in her bones. She could always read between the lines. "It wasn't meant to be an insult. It was a business offer, very politely worded. How could anyone do anything about it? "

"If I were your father…" Shikamaru said.

Sakura turned to him, scared. "Please don't say anything to him. He'd be terribly angry and hurt… and he wouldn't be able to do anything about it, either. Sometimes it's wiser not to say anything."

"What do you mean?" Shikamaru asked slowly. "What else is there that you aren't telling me?"

He was sitting there, all poised, his posture alert, ready to fight, but his eyes were heavy-lidded, his voice almost sleepy.

He was the most dangerous when he looked like this.

"It was because of shishou and Kakashi sensei and because of my friends that the offer was made this way," Sakura said. "Do you realize that I said it was a _very_ important clan and if they insisted, then the council would probably try to appease them, and I could be _ordered_ to do something like that for the sake of the village?"

"No," Shikamaru said with a finality in his voice. "No, that would never happen. Not as long as I live. Not ever."

He looked at Sakura and said, "I never knew about any of this, but I'll take a closer look now – very quietly, of course. If something like this is going on, I'll put a stop to it." He took a deep breath and said, "I'd also like to know why you've decided to tell me now. Not then, not ever since, but right now. Why?"

"Because not long ago I realized that there might be others," Sakura whispered. "Other girls. Other children."

She looked at Shikamaru. "It's none of my business what other girls do or don't do. But the children… If anyone accepted an offer like this, the children will grow up having only one parent – or losing both, if the clan decides they don't want the father to interfere, either. They would be raised as perfect little warriors, a lot of skills and no emotions. Just like Sai…"

She turned her head away from Shikamaru so he wouldn't see her weak, afraid, wouldn't see her eyes getting wet. Then she felt an arm around her shoulder, gently pulling her closer to him and for a second she resisted, but he was stronger.

"I'll take a good, hard look at all this, sweetheart," he said. "I promise. No child warriors and no broken families in my village, not if I can do anything about it. Don't cry, sweetheart. Don't you cry."

Sakura could only nod and she tried to swallow all her tears, but it was rather difficult because she always cried easily and the feeling that someone else suddenly came to her help and shouldered part of this burden was overwhelming. Shikamaru was holding her and his voice was as if he were talking not to another adult, but a small, scared child.

"Hush, sweetheart. Hush. It's all right now. Really, there's no reason to cry. It's my fault, too. I should have known something like that was going on. Shhh. Everything's all right now."

He cradled her in his arms and Sakura slowly relaxed until she felt she could go to sleep right now, right here.

After a few minutes Shikamaru broke the silence again. "Was that why you were saying all those things yesterday – that if you ever get to have children, you will fight for them till your last breath?"

Sakura nodded.

"Oh, baby," Shikamaru sighed. He looked down at Sakura and Sakura looked up into his face.

"You try to take care of everyone. When was the last time anybody took care of you?" he asked.

Sakura frowned, then tried to smile. "You made me breakfast this morning, remember?"

She let go of him and wiped her eyes. She felt extremely vulnerable and stupid. She wasn't sorry that she told Shikamaru everything, but she would have preferred to do so with dignity and with her hair perfect and her skin not blotchy with crying.

"About the breakfast…" Shikamaru began slowly. Sakura squinted at him – there was a magnificent expression of hauteur and dignity on his face, quite different from his kind words just a minute ago. "I hope you don't think that I'm always going to do that. It wouldn't be democratic. Now we could take turns and in a bi-weekly meeting decide on the person of the Officer in Charge of Breakfast, but as in these circumstances, being only two of us, it is impossible to ratify the decisions by simple majority, not to mention two-thirds majority, the only viable way to decide this is to appoint a committee which, in the normal way of things, would be responsible for the preliminary decision and then…"

Sakura was now half-crying, half-laughing and Shikamaru carried on, relentlessly, "then, once the preliminary decision is verified, the question will be put up for a debate and _then_ it will be once again discussed by the committee, which, I must say, is a pretty damn slow way of getting breakfast anywhere so I'm only saying that next time it's your turn."

Sakura turned her head toward him, laughing through her tears, confused, surprised. Every time she tried to pull back, to withdraw, Shikamaru did something, some kind and small and unexpected thing and her defenses crumbled around her. Sometimes it was even before she realized that she was building up her wall again.

Shikamaru was already lying on his back in the grass, looking once again sleepy and content.

Incredible.

"You are one tricky customer," she said.

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow. "Not me, miss," he said with a grin. "I'm sweet and simple. I cannot be bothered, you know. What you see is what you get."

"Bullshit," Sakura said shortly and decisively. "You can pretend all you want if that makes you more comfortable but you can't fool me. You're all depth and hardly any surface."

"That," pointed out Shikamaru, "is physically impossible."

Sakura eyed him warily then suddenly pounced and landed on top of him, trying to pin him down. "I hate know-it-alls, you know,"she said, eyes flashing. "Probably because I'm one of them and…"

Shikamaru flipped her over in one movement and said, "unfortunately, righteous indignation does not guarantee physical victory so I strongly recommend that.."

The sentence never got finished as Sakura pushed him and tried to get out of his grasp, but Shikamaru pulled her back, laughing.

"I could collect chakra in my fist, and…" she said, trying to escape.

"What, you'd need chakra for a friendly little tumble? You can't be so weak!" Shikamaru teased her.

Sakura doubled her efforts to get away and without chakra, too, but Shikamaru parried all her attacks. Sakura fought hard and slowly realized that she liked this. It was the perfect antidote for analyzing that awful thing they'd just finished talking about. It was not quite like sparring, more like what puppies did when they played with each other. Of course, without using chakra she was still strong, much stronger than a civilian, but Shikamaru was not a civilian. At the same time, though, he didn't use all the advantages he had – like his longer arms and stronger muscles. He gave her space to use all her skills and only stopped her if she was on the verge of getting away. He was trying to foresee all her attacks, and win a victory based just on that, Sakura thought, amused, while she half turned and bent forward to get out of his hold again. It was like shogi in three dimensions.

After that she played better and the game was a lot more fun. Once she managed to get out of Shikamaru's hands altogether but then with a shriek she threw herself on him again, trying to force him down. Then Shikamaru seemed to rearrange the limits constantly, letting her move less and less until she was pinned down completely, her hands next to her ears and his face was hovering over hers.

"Got you," he said slowly and his voice sounded deep and raspy in her ears.

A lot of things seemed to happen at once. Her stomach contracted almost painfully and she remembered Shikamaru's words last night, "like a grip," and she felt hot all over. There was only one thought in her head, like a headline all in capitals, HE'S GOING TO KISS ME HE'S GOING TO KISS ME JUST LIKE THAT, and she couldn't understand herself, they spent the night together, what was so important about this… and then all her thoughts scattered when Shikamaru really kissed her and his mouth was soft and gentle on hers and her eyes fluttered closed and she heard the wind singing in the grass.

She had no idea how much time had passed until she opened her eyes and he raised his head, his mouth wet from hers and slowly let her hands go. Things happened in slow motion - he was rising up, letting go, watching her eyes, her face intently all the time.

It was all instinct without any conscious thought that made her clutch at his vest with both hands, to not let go, to hold, to keep.

The second kiss was wilder, hungrier, she kept on pulling him closer and he responded eagerly. Sakura's thoughts were foggy with desire and the only thing that she could remember was the half-sentence that always appeared in romances and that she always found ridiculous before, 'their tongues battling for dominance', but they were right, the writers were right, because she wanted more of his mouth, his heat, his taste and she wanted to take it all for herself and he did the same, almost eating her alive, how else could anyone call this?

The kiss never ended, it was just a short break when they were both catching their breaths when Sakura suddenly blurted out, "Untie your hair."

He laughed and did so, shaking his hair loose, and it was just like Sakura had imagined last night – when they kissed, his hair covered her face like a tent. She ran her hands through it, mystified, aroused, helpless – what was it about this guy that made her behave so unlike her usual self?

Well, what wasn't?

When he started to pull down the zip on her shirt she felt so hot she was glad she was already lying. There was no way she could fall anywhere from here.

"What if someone sees us?" she asked, desire and fear mixed in equal amount, hot and cold, red and black.

He laughed aloud. "Nobody will see us," he said. "Have you forgotten what I said? This is forbidden territory for everyone except us."

She was too weak to say no again. He started to undress her, just like she started to undress him and they were in a hurry as if the universe would collapse in a minute and all they had was now, now, now.

This time making love to him felt different. Once they were both naked, he was very gentle. This wasn't about pleasure. This was consolation, assurance, comfort, this was to lull her, to quiet her fear with tenderness.

When it was over, she wanted to ask if he felt the same way, if it was different for him each time, too, but she wasn't sure how to ask something like that.

She couldn't remember the last time her feelings changed so fast. One moment she was crying, the other laughing, as if Shikamaru had the power to throw her into the fire one moment and then push her into ice-cold water the very next second.

The previous day at this time they had been still in the lab, sharing some sandwiches and coffee and trying to figure out the measurements on a scroll that was almost illegible with age and dirt and water stains. And now…

"I'm hungry," Sakura said suddenly, thinking aloud.

"Yeah, me too. Let's get washed and dressed and go back to the village."

Sakura looked around, trying to decide which way the little spring was.

"Not that," Shikamaru said, as if he knew what she was thinking about. "We've got hot springs, too, haven't I told you?"

He swiftly rolled all their clothes up in a bundle and took hold of Sakura's hand.

"Be careful where you step," he said. "The deer don't come up here often, but when they do, they leave some souvenirs lying around."

They started down the hill, naked, Sakura following Shikamaru obediently, not even thinking of how they must look or if they would meet anyone. Too many things happened in a short time and right now, after a whole week when she ordered herself every day not to feel anything, she was pushed and pulled by her own emotions so much that she finally gave up and put aside thinking for later.

The high grass, green, yellow, silver, lied down under their steps, then, as the wind combed it again, stood up slowly, leisurely, not caring who stepped on its leaves a minute ago.

Sakura looked back and saw the landscape as it must have been before they arrived: old, powerful in its beauty and indifference, changed by but unaware of the flow of time or the men it carried on its back.

She followed Shikamaru down the hill.


	6. Chapter 6

They were walking by a shop selling shinobi equipment (_Highly Specialized Items. Special Orders Accepted. Suppliers to the Interrogation Department of Konoha_) when Sakura suddenly seemed to wake up. The last few hours were like living in a daydream – nothing but the wind, the sun and the earth, and only the two of them, alone and secluded, the only two people on a desert island.

Now, however, reality began to reassert itself.

"Uh, Shikamaru," she began tentatively. "Uh... I..."

"Yes?" Shikamaru asked.

"Are you sure nobody saw us?" Sakura said. Now that they were here on one of the busiest streets of Konoha, it seemed complete madness that just half an hour ago they were making love and running around naked about a mile from here.

Shikamaru seemed to know exactly what she meant.

"I told you, only my clan..."

"Yes, my point exactly," Sakura said, brooding. "Any member of your family could have gone there when we were... uh..."

"No," Shikamaru said curtly. "The gate registers handprints. My clan members would have known that I was there and would have made precautions not to bother me except in an emergency. And if there was an emergency, we would have noticed. You're not on call until our work in the lab is finished, and I'm on leave from my regular position, but I still think that no matter how busy we were with each other, we would have seen if the village was burning to ashes or something."

_He's got it all worked out,_ Sakura thought. It should have made her feel protected but instead she felt unsure. Of what or how, she would have been unable to tell.

Shikamaru wasn't holding her hand and didn't offer his arm again either once they were back in the village. It was as if the whole thing had never happened in the first place.

"Did you ever take others there? I mean, other girls?" she blurted out before she had time to think it over.

Shikamaru looked at her.

"No," he said coldly. "I told you, it's my special place."

Sakura didn't know what to say. Her instincts all said that something was amiss but she had no idea what.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't mean that you... I didn't mean to offend you, I..."

"I'm not offended," Shikamaru said, somewhat mollified. He was walking in his usual way, watching the clouds instead of the street. The odds were, Sakura thought, that he should have collided with a biggish object by now and flattened his nose completely, but instead he was just ambling along peacefully and without any trouble.

Maybe his shadows were like a cat's whiskers, and as they were spreading around him unnoticed, almost invisible, they were telling him where to go and what to avoid.

Sakura risked a short glance to Shikamaru's face. She could have stared at him all she liked, because he seemed to be deeply in thought, his brow furrowed, his mouth pursed, hands in his pockets.

He did not seem happy, to say the least.

She turned to Shikamaru, trying to break the silence. "What would you like to eat?"

He shrugged, still not looking at Sakura. "It doesn't matter. Anything will do."

She stared straight ahead, looking at everything and anything in sight so as not to show her disappointment. It wasn't that she expected him to be all over her, but compared to this morning, he was now unemotional, reserved. It wasn't just her imagination. Maybe there was something important on his mind.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked.

Shikamaru didn't even look at her. "Wouldn't you like to know," he said evasively.

It was like being allowed to look into a house that seemed all inviting and warm from the outside, just to have the door shut with a bang in your face when you're finally standing on the threshold.

Her heart gave a sudden, painful leap.

Well, Sakura thought, if she wanted to extend this simile any further, Sasuke, on the other hand, was like the whole Uchiha compound. Majestic in its ruins, but very little warmth, and the only light there just one candle among the ghosts that will never leave.

But what does it matter if you're never invited in either way? You could just spare yourself the effort.

Sakura knew very well that was why she could never find it in herself to be too enthusiastic over anything once she was over fourteen. She did not want to cry over a photograph again. Not ever. It was simple, Sakura thought. She learned that a situation like that was to be avoided at all costs. It didn't matter what it was that she wanted – a book, a box of chocolate, a new apartment, love everlasting. Wanting anything too much was dangerous. Desire without fulfilment brought suffering. It was a situation which could be described like a mathematical process: the numbers would add up in such a way that she would get nothing out of the equation. The only thing in her life where she could be sure that her time or efforts would never be wasted was her work. It wasn't difficult, really. You read a book and you learn what's in it. You learn a new skill, you know how to do it. You work harder, you save more lives, heal more people, you make the world a better place for everyone.

She wished men were that simple.

They ate some tempura at one of the booths on the way. Sakura paid without thinking for both of them. It only seemed fair.

Her appetite seemed to have gone since they left the meadow behind but it was wiser to eat now and try not to show that anything was different, she concluded.

That damn radio bellowing on a shelf in the booth wasn't making her life any easier. The singer and his soft voice was reminding everyone that love isn't always bliss.

_If you don't love me - lie to me_

_'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe..._

Lies. Deception. Games.

She was so, so fed up with everything that had to do with lies. Why did Sasuke have to cheat on her? Why? If he just said 'it's no good, Sakura, let's just finish this, it's no use', she would have cried, that was certain, but she would never have had this awful feeling of being stabbed in the back by her own teammate.

And the best thing was, after all this Sasuke was _still_ her teammate with all that entailed. They still had to work together as a team.

When they started dating, Kakashi asked her if she wanted Sasuke to be placed in another team. She said no and _thought _no – in retrospection she still thought it would have been madness. She was usually working in the hospital anyway, and the teams now were much more flexible since they became adults, so it didn't matter if Yamato or Sai replaced her as it often happened. They were still one team. More often than not her friends, the Rookie-nine-that-used-to-be still worked together from time to time, but since their original teams all lost and gained members, change and temporary replacement wasn't such a big deal for most of them.

Sasuke, on the other hand, was never sociable or outgoing, and taking away from him the only people whom he was still more or less comfortable around would have been a crazy idea.

She wasn't sure even then how Sasuke felt about her, whether he really loved her, but putting him in another team because of her without Naruto and Kakashi and possibly with people who thought he should have 'traitor' tattooed on his forehead... no, the very idea didn't bear thinking about.

The problem was, now the same arrangement left them painfully trying to find a common ground as teammates and forget everything else, and it wasn't easy, especially because Sasuke was not making any effort. She was left holding the bucket, as usual.

Kakashi must have seen it all in advance, Sakura mused. He wanted to protect her in his way. Unfortunately, thanks to her stubbornness and overdeveloped sense of responsibility, she refused his help and now it was too late.

She looked up. Shikamaru was watching her, his eyes narrow, suspicious. He looked every bit this handsome but dangerous stranger again, but instead of wariness she felt fear and lust mingling in equal amounts.

It was strange and exciting.

Oh God. Not again.

After several dates and two relationships she recognized some basic characteristics in herself and came to terms with her own nature but that did not make it that much easier to accept it.

She learned early that most women saw themselves as prey. They were the innocent victims, the little lambs, the gentle sex to be protected and cherished.

The men were the hunters, the predators. Strong, brave, aggressive, _active._

It took Sakura years to understand that she, on the other hand, had a bit of both. She was both the hunter and the hunted, the predator and the prey.

That was one of the reasons why she was uncomfortable with Lee who always thought in set stereotypes and was completely blind to anything that he couldn't fit into his categories. She was the fair maiden and he was the knight. Period. The fact that she could smash him with one hand did not come into play. Sasuke, on the other hand, in a strange way accepted her strength quite easily and respected her more for it. The best part of their relationship was that they could train whenever they wanted to, Sakura thought. He liked her strength, but that didn't mean he wanted to let her win and that was good. She didn't want a limp rag for a boyfriend.

Shikamaru had this same dual nature that she and Sasuke had. Sometimes he was the hunter and sometimes he was the prey. Sometimes he was aggressive and made her surrender (she just had to think back how he held her down on his bed, in his bedroom and made her come again and again with his mouth and his fingers and his cock, oh God...) and sometimes he became moody and withdrawn, like now... which... oh hell, it made her want to hunt him down and throw him on the floor and do all kinds of wicked things to him. She wanted to know all his secrets, she wanted to be in his dreams and she wanted to _conquer_ him.

He was like a beautifully carved box which had to be opened in a certain way but it _could _be opened. And inside... what?

Her throat contracted so much that swallowing was almost painful. She finished eating and threw the greasy paper napkin with the rest of the food into the garbage can.

Shikamaru was not hers, not even as much as Sasuke had been. Shikamaru slept around a lot, he admitted it himself. For all his strength and courage and strange sweetness, he was not the man for her.

They started walking again in silence. Sakura was lost in her thoughts and when she suddenly looked up, she saw two girls, two kunoichi looking away from her, fast. She didn't know them. One of them whispered something to the other. She could only hear 'Uchiha' and then 'Nara' and then something that suspiciously sounded like 'rebound'. Sasuke cheating on her then breaking up with her was still news.

Just like it would be news tomorrow that today she was hanging out with Shikamaru and then dropped like a hot potato.

She had no idea what Shikamaru was thinking about but she remembered all that went through her head before, and there seemed to be only one conclusion – this thing between them, whatever it was, would not go any further. In the evening he would take her out, then he would smile and say good-bye, and on Monday they would be just two colleagues in the lab again, and when that brief stint of working together ends, he'll go back to whatever he'd been doing before. Maybe back to ANBU. He had all the skills to be a squad leader.

When she heard a child's voice calling her name, it wasn't just politeness that made her smile. She liked children, yes, but what she felt now was mostly relief.

She stopped and greeted the little girl and her mother. She was the medic who had healed her broken arm a few months ago and now the girl wanted to boast a little that she was even stronger than before the accident. Sakura smiled again and stroked her soft little face. She was such a cute little girl, really. When the child thrust her hand out to show her the doll and said 'her name is Sakura and mommy and I dyed her hair to be like yours and I'm gonna be a med nin when I grow up', she felt touched. This lab work was nice and pleasant, strictly nine-to-five, no double shifts, no weekend assignments, and if she didn't feel like doing overtime, she never had to, but she missed healing patients. She was more a people person than a lab work person.

Shikamaru was standing a few steps away from them, his brow furrowed. Sakura had no idea what might be on his mind that was troubling him so but she wasn't going to ask again. Maybe it was something about the little girl? But Shikamaru had no problem with children, she knew that. Sakura herself saw several times how Kurenai's daughter shrieked with pleasure and threw herself at 'uncle Shika' when he visited them, and Shikamaru never seemed to mind.

_Damn Temari. She would have been good enough for his family. They would have let him marry her and he could have children,_ Sakura thought absentmindedly. _It would be such a waste if he didn't get to have kids. He would be such a wonderful father._

She blushed when she caught herself thinking about Shikamaru and children in the same sentence. Really, the things one's mind ran to...

The girl started to tug at Sakura's shirt so she squatted down and got a hug and a kiss in exchange while they said goodbye. The mother thanked her again, then they left to finish their shopping. The girl was holding the doll in her arms like something cherished, like a real baby.

When she stood up, she saw that in the meantime Shikamaru found himself some company, too. There was a pretty woman in a miniskirt standing next to him, her hand on his arm. As Sakura watched, the woman threw her head back and laughed, her long, black hair following her movement like a dark cloud.

The other woman standing close to both of them was a redhead, also very pretty, her hair short and spiky, her shoulders and midriff bare. Both women were beautifully groomed, perfect hair and full make-up, painted nails, high-heeled shoes.

Sakura could only hope that she had no grass in her hair and no manure on her shoes. She felt she could count every crease in her shirt, every spot of mud on her shorts and skirt.

The dark-haired woman felt Sakura's eyes on her. She looked back, then said something to her friend in a low voice. They both laughed.

Shikamaru's face was perfectly calm and empty, his eyes reflected no emotion.

For a moment Sakura felt deeply humiliated and she just couldn't tell why.

_A family man, yeah. Just the thing. Congratulations, Sakura. Scored a bull's eye again, didn't you? Just look at him! Or rather, look at those bitches! _

She wasn't into casual sex but that didn't mean that she was completely innocent. The easy, familiar way they flirted with him, both of them, standing close, touching him casually – Sakura was sure that they... that they were too... they had been...

She reacted instinctively. _Do something,_ she thought with a distant, cold clarity. _I'm talking to you, bitch. Don't you dare disappear when I need you._

She felt Inner waking up and taking charge. She knew what anybody else would see now, and also what they wouldn't. Her face hardened, taking up a noncommittal, neutral expression. Her skin felt cold. It was a very useful device, this, pulling back into herself, seeing herself only from a distance, laughing at anyone stupid enough to hurt her, to insult her, to beat her.

She wasn't there. She was a husk, a shell, an armour, her emotions, her private thoughts safely tucked away in a tiny part of her brain. The rest was all logic, all cold, relentless, impersonal power to survive, to escape and, if necessary, to fight.

She saw Shikamaru turn to the woman and shake his head and she turned away. She was perfectly calm now. It wasn't any of her business.

Shikamaru joined her a moment later.

"Sorry," Shikamaru murmured. "Just some girls I know."

"No problem," Sakura said indifferently.

They started walking again. She picked out details faster now. When she saw a tall figure walking toward them - there was a strong family resemblance, the long blond hair, the familiar face - , she identified him as Ino's father before they were close enough to greet each other.

Inoichi nodded to both of them, then he said to Shikamaru, "My daughter would like to talk to you."

"Is she in the shop? I might just drop in right now," Shikamaru said in a bored voice.

Inoichi's eyes darted to Sakura, fast, then back to Shikamaru.

If Sakura weren't already in fight mode, she probably would have missed it. It was just a fleeting look.

When she was like this, hypotheses were meaningless to her. She planned and she reacted but she had no patience left for anything that wasn't closely connected to the present minute. Any other time she would have begun to shift ideas, trying to find out what Inoichi would be thinking about and what Ino might know, but right now she was looking at the world in black and white and it was much simpler this way.

They both nodded to Inoichi, Shikamaru adding something about the weather and then Inoichi walked on and they turned into one of the side streets that led straight to the Yamanaka flowershop.

"Have I done anything wrong?" Shikamaru asked hesitantly.

Sakura's answer was automatic. "No."

"Then what's wrong?"

Sakura turned her cold eyes to Shikamaru.

"Why would anything be wrong?" she asked.

Shikamaru had no answer to that.

She knew that he was watching her but she was safe. She was inside and Inner with her strange little smile was floating on the surface and he couldn't get in to hurt her.

Shikamaru opened the door and the small bell over the door started ringing. Sakura usually liked this shop, she used to spend a lot of time in here with Ino, talking about flowers and make-up and failed missions and stupid men, but right now she was only tired and edgy and all she wanted to do was to go home and sleep.

Tsunade-sama was right. She was always right. Who needs men? Sake is much better.

She lingered a second longer next to the entrance, carefully dampening her chakra. Flowers didn't like sudden chakra flares and when she was in a state like this, she had to be careful not to break anything she didn't intend to break.

The radio was on here, too, and Ino seemed to be listening to the Weekend of Love Songs, just like everyone else in Konoha.

The singer's voice was full of longing and pain.

_The world was on fire and no one could save me but you_

_It's strange what desire will make foolish people do..._

Ino wasn't anywhere to be seen so Shikamaru went straight to the back room.

Sakura heard his lazy drawl. "Yare yare. What's so important that you'd send a message with your dad just to talk to me? Anyway, what…"

_Crack._

Silence.

_That was a slap if I ever heard one_, Inner said. _Care and treatment of male teammates, volume one. _

Sakura stood, unsure, hesitating. If Ino had some kind of serious issue with Shikamaru, they were best left alone.

_On the other hand, Ino vs. Shikamaru beats any kind of spectator sport in my opinion_,Inner quipped in.

Sakura turned on her heels to get out when she heard her own name and froze in her place.

"What's this about you and Sakura? Are you completely out of your mind or is it just a temporary blackout?"

Ino seemed to be at her snappiest and most bitchlike.

Shikamaru didn't answer or maybe he just had no time as Ino already launched into a long tirade. Sakura knew from long experience that when Ino decided to give a piece of her mind the person on the receiving end could do very little to interfere.

"Are you crazy? No, I shouldn't even ask that. You were _this_ close to a nervous breakdown when you left ANBU but I never thought you would try to pull off something like this! What are you doing to Sakura? What? God only knows I love that girl but she's a worrywart if I ever saw one. If you wanted a friend with benefits couldn't you have found someone less messed up? What did Ibiki think for God's sake, placing you in the seduction squad? You're going through the female population of Konoha like a hot knife through butter! Did you tell Sakura about your little habits of picking up your daily menu at bars? No? Well, I have an idea why! And she would be just as bad for you! She doubts everything forwards, backwards and sideways, she'd smash to pieces what's still left of you in about one day!"

Shikamaru's answer was a short, angry bark.

"Ino, just shut up! Shut up!"

Sakura felt her skin going cold and clammy. Ino's opinion about her wasn't that much of a surprise. Ino wasn't a two-timing kind of friend. She would tell you the worst about yourself and if you couldn't take it, too bad. You could rant back or slap her and she would reply in kind but then again she didn't hold grudges, either. But these hints about Ibiki and the seduction squad… God. What was going on here?

The seduction squad wasn't as secret as it could have been, simply because most people in town who had any ideas about spying or infiltration were able to figure out that if all the other villages had special squads like that, then Konoha must have one too. The existence of the team in itself was a well-known fact, but the persons and the methods… oh, that was a different thing altogether.

Sakura found herself full of curiosity for just one second, wondering if Shikamaru would be allowed to tell about any special practices that had to do with chakra control and could be used for healing, then the horrendousness of the whole thing hit her like a brick.

Being on the seduction squad was not a synonym for just sleeping around and getting information. Seduction was a trap and only used in very important cases.

Like assassination. Like abduction. Like interrogation.

Those who were in the seduction squad learned to lie with their bodies just as well as they learned to lie with words. Sex meant nothing to them and romantic notions were a laugh. Sakura suspected that Kakashi had, at one time, been in one of those squads, and she could see how it left him crippled for life, burning out all his emotions, all his need for love and intimacy, leaving only blind loyalty to Konoha on the one hand and some baser needs on the other, and very little of anything else between.

Shikamaru never said anything about something like this. He couldn't, of course. But did that change anything, really? Did it matter?

No wonder he was so surprised when she said she wanted him to date her. Next time she could maybe ask him to a kiddie matinee on a Sunday afternoon.

She wanted to leave but her feet carried her in the opposite direction, to the door of the back room. Just to see him one more time. Then she would leave.

She saw them in profile, a blonde woman, just as beautiful as always, gesticulating with a bunch of wire in one hand and a small basket in the other, and a tall, dark, handsome man, his face full of anger and bitterness. Then the woman looked up and saw Sakura in the doorway. She stopped midsentence and her face changed colour and she wasn't beautiful at all.

Sakura turned abruptly and ran toward the door.


	7. Chapter 7

It was one of those nightmares where every step took longer than in real life, where each movement was a slow, torturous and desperate attempt to flee from a monster.

Before she got to the door Shikamaru was already there, holding the doorknob.

"Sakura. Please listen to me. Please."

She couldn't very well break the Yamanakas' door. Well, she could, but it would have been very bad manners. Shikamaru was next to her and Ino was somewhere behind her. She was trapped.

"Sakura. Don't be frightened. Please. If you want to go, I'll let you. I just want to talk to you. Please?"

She could maybe just disappear in a cloud of rose petals... but that was only a trick, smoke and mirrors to confuse the enemy while one used the effect to get as far as possible as fast as possible. Shikamaru was, unfortunately, pretty quick to see things. He proved this several times in the last twenty-four hours.

It was a pity that shinobi couldn't really teleport. How useful that would be in a battle situation, Sakura mused. All the enemy nin attack you at once, and lo and behold... you appear on a distant hilltop with an iced drink in your hands to see your enemies disappear in smoke and debris when your traps with the explosive seals are all activated at once.

_Yeah, movies are wonderful._

Ino started to say something but Shikamaru with a sudden outburst of anger cut in. "Ino. If you say just one more word, I'll never talk to you again. Never in my life. I swear."

He turned back to Sakura.

"Let's go somewhere we can talk. We've known each other since we were kids, Sakura. Could you do that much for me?"

She didn't know what to say. It was madness. This whole thing was madness. Yesterday it was Friday. A normal, common, reassuringly boring Friday with lab work and coffee and an old friend as colleague beside her. She was after a nasty break-up, yes, but she was managing quite well, considering the circumstances. Sasuke was a known quantity. Shikamaru was a known quantity. Everything else was a known quantity. Life went on like clockwork.

Yesterday was another world entirely.

She was cursing her own bad judgment silently. If she'd just left, instead of trying to steal a look at Shikamaru just once more, then Ino wouldn't have seen her and she would have gotten away without a problem. She could have got home to lick her wounds in no time.

She couldn't say anything.

It was Ino who broke the silence. Her voice was unsure, frightened. No wonder. When she'd seen Sakura standing in the back room doorway, she almost fainted.

_I was like the bad fairy, suddenly appearing without announcement._

"Sakura, I'm sorry. I had no idea you were here. I was just..." Ino began.

"Ino, shut up!" Shikamaru hissed.

Ino's anger flared up. "You shut up!" she hissed back. "My mom always says that when a stupid man is stupid, he's just stupid, but when a smart man is stupid, he's really stupid. You're one living example of that!"

Sakura didn't look up. She was thinking. How could Ino not hear that Shikamaru didn't come in alone? Oh, the radio. Of course. And then she stayed behind to calm herself. There was no chakra signature.

All those things Ino said, she didn't intend Sakura to hear any of them.

"Sakura," Ino said in a whisper.

Ino told her more in a minute about Shikamaru's life than he did in five weeks. That still hurt.

She didn't know this man at all.

_It's not Ino's fault, though,_ Sakura thought. _She must be loyal to her teammate. She's in a difficult position. And no matter what she said about me, she tried to protect me, to fight for me._

She found she could look at Ino. Ino was standing close to her, her face still pale.

_It's not everyday that your teammate seduces your best friend just for fun and then you spill all his secrets inadvertently to the friend in question,_ Sakura thought. She touched Ino's hand. _I'm not angry with you._

Ino caught Sakura's hand and squeezed it, tightly.

_She's apologizing._

They watched each other, unblinking, then Sakura unexpectedly found herself smiling a wry little smile.

"I would have kicked Sai," she mumbled.

Ino giggled, a little shakily. Sakura knew that she understood – there was a time when Sai was kind of sweet on Ino, and if he ever decided to go for her and messed it up, Sakura would have made sure that he ended up in the hospital with a few broken ribs at least.

"Still coming," Ino said and threw an ugly look at Shikamaru. She jerked her chin toward him. "Listen to him," she said. "Maybe he's got some explanation." She looked at him and added pointedly, "He'd better."

Sakura nodded and turned toward the door. The sooner they got down to this explanation, the sooner she could get home and find some ice cream in the freezer, then take a sleeping pill and sleep through the rest of today and then spend the whole fucking stupid damned Sunday behind closed doors and kill everything in herself that ever had to do anything with love and men and dating and marriage.

Shikamaru took the lead again and they soon found themselves on a rooftop that was surrounded by a bleak wall on two sides, a lower roof on the third and no windows nearby to speak of.

_He's not really keen on anybody overhearing our discussion. I guess once a day is enough._

"So?" Shikamaru asked with a scowl, his hands in his pockets again. "Should I apologize right now that I had a life before you even decided to look at me, or should we go straight to the part where you get rid of me?"

"Is that what you want?" Sakura asked dully.

Shikamaru shrugged.

"Isn't that what I'll get anyway, whether I want it or not? I know what you think of Genma and people like him. I'm not that different."

Sakura knew what he meant. When Shizune and Genma started dating, Sakura had very serious doubts about whether Genma was ready to settle down and, to put it bluntly, if he was mature enough to start a monogamous relationship at all. Genma's name was a synonym for player; nice and easy, if you were satisfied with just some fun, but a sure recipe for heartbreak if you wanted more. Sakura didn't want to see Shizune hurt. However, the only person she shared her fears with was...

"She promised not to tell anyone!" she squeaked, dismayed. "Ino promised! To absolutely nobody, she said, cross my heart and hope to die!"

Shikamaru's mouth tightened.

"You should know by now that in Ino's opinion I'm not a person," he said. "I'm an absolute nonentity."

Sakura couldn't find it in herself to care about what Ino and Shikamaru thought of each other. She had more pressing things on her mind.

"What else did she tell you about me?" she asked angrily.

Shikamaru shrugged.

"This wasn't about you, it was about Genma. And if you must know, in the past few weeks she refused to discuss anything about you. Not that I asked," he added.

"Because you couldn't care less?" Sakura asked.

Shikamaru gave an angry little noise. "Because there was no need," he said. "I've got eyes to see with. I knew you were unhappy and I knew you decided not to take notice of it and go on and on blindly just like you always do, and serve and pamper His Royal Highness, the hottest guy in Konoha. That bastard."

"Don't talk about Sasuke like that," Sakura said mechanically.

"He cheated on you, Sakura!" Shikamaru said with cold fury in his voice. "Did you forget it just like that?"

"Well, and you slept around a lot!" Sakura shot back. "How many girls did you fuck, Shikamaru? How many hearts did you break?"

"I never promised any of them..." Shikamaru began, but Sakura interrupted, "Yeah, cool, you never promised them anything! That surely makes them all feel better! You never promised me anything, either, so I guess I have nothing to complain about either, do I?"

And then Shikamaru, cool, collected, Mr. I-don't-care-a-bit, what-a-drag, couldn't-be-bothered-less Shikamaru started to roar like a dragon.

"What the fucking hell are you talking about? What? What else do you want me to do? I've been dancing attendance on you all day, and you don't even notice! What else do you want me to do? Conquer an empire? Discover a new treatment for cancer? Write a better novel than Jiraiya? Anything else in a day's work? Fuck it all! I could never understand how you could fall for that asshole so hard! I thought you'd be too smart for something like that, but no! That little prick could use you and abuse you any way he wanted to, and still you crawled back for more! Fuck him! Fuck that stupid, arrogant, selfish bastard! If Uchiha is so much better than I am then just go back to him, good luck! Tear your own heart out, I don't care!"

Sakura was so angry that for a minute she couldn't speak. Men! Completely blind, completely stupid, proud assholes! Shikamaru going through the whole of Konoha's female population like a kid going through a bag of sweets on the first day of Christmas is okay! Caring for your ex who is an asshole but is still your teammate is not okay!

"Fuck you, Shikamaru!" she screamed. "Fuck you! I'll never go back to Sasuke, not even if you're begging me on your knees, but I'll never ever talk to you either!"

Before she had time to think about it, her hand raised itself of its own volition, but instead of punching him like she usually did with Naruto or Sai, she slapped him in the face like all angry women do in the heat of the moment when they are speechless with indignation.

_Crack._

The sound was in a strange way louder in Sakura's mind than in her ears.

It sounded much louder than the slap Ino dealt him just a few minutes ago, and she knew she didn't hit him any harder. It was a wicked, ugly little sound.

Shikamaru looked at her, and his face was so hurt, so unhappy. He seemed so young now.

_He's just as young as I am and he doesn't have all the answers either and he can be wrong too._

Again Sakura acted on impulse and before Shikamaru would have had time to say anything she flew to him and kissed his face, once, twice, then in a desperate outburst of emotion kissed his mouth, his eyes, his mouth again and then she felt tears coming into her eyes and did what she usually did when she was on her own and scared and not on a battlefield - she fled.

She only shouted back, 'so you don't have to date me', and ran like hell, her feet finding their way home, a sudden panic giving her speed unlike ever before. It was too much, too much either way, too many things in her heart, on her mind, too intense, and she just wanted to think for a while, alone, in silence.

She tore up the stairs to her flat, opened the door in a second then shut it with a bang, turned the key in the lock and then sat down in the middle of the livingroom floor and started to cry. She cried because she was alone again, because Ino said all those things, because they were all true, she was hopeless, hopeless in these things, and even now she couldn't figure out the whole thing. It was painfully clear that Shikamaru had been offering her something all day and he thought she wanted to refuse, but he still wouldn't come out clearly with his offer.

Sakura tried to dry her eyes.

Shikamaru may have tried everything, except the one thing that she would have valued above anything else. Honesty. He didn't tell her the truth.

Lying by omission, that was the correct definition. The guy was an expert at it, Sakura thought. He carefully asked all the strategically important questions and collected the information he needed, and in exchange gave very little.

Her tears began to fall again. It was her fault, too. She answered all his questions, never thinking about leaving things out that were better left unsaid. She never quite learned this dating game thing, the carefully omitted details, never letting him know you cared, never showing your weak side, always keeping the upper hand.

Stupid Shikamaru with his stupid earrings and stupid clan and stupid meadow and stupid sweet lopsided smile.

Sakura was sobbing so hard she could hardly breathe and felt as if her heart wanted to escape from her chest. There was nothing she could do now.

Tock. Tock. Tock.

There was someone knocking on the door. Sakura tried to pretend she wasn't there. Maybe it was just one of the neighbours.

"Sakura."

She would have recognized that voice anywhere, in a storm, on a battlefield, under the sea.

"Sakura. Open the door. We have to talk."

_No, we don't,_ Sakura thought, sniffing. _You'll be right and I'll be wrong and you'll say I'm a stupid hysterical bitch or something of that effect and let's just stay friends, it will be much better that way and then my heart will truly break._

She tried to stay completely silent. He'll try for a while and be very rational and cool and collected and then he'll shrug and turn around and find a bar and a pretty girl, and...

She looked up just in time to see a thin dark shadow creep up on her side of the door and with smooth efficiency turn the key.

Sakura wanted to spring up and escape but the door already opened. Shikamaru stood in the doorway, his face dark, his eyes stormy. Before Sakura could have done anything, anything at all, the shadows were already wrapped around her.

"No, you don't," Shikamaru said in a grave voice. "You're not going anywhere until we've discussed this."

Sakura didn't feel like opening her mouth. The shadows raised her from the floor until she was standing next to Shikamaru. Their touch wasn't painful, rather soft, like silk. Like a caress.

"And stop pouting. I'm not Kakashi, you're not going to soften my heart."

Sakura looked at him with indignation. As if she wanted to!

He was holding her close but the shadows didn't let her go, either. She tried to break out and flexed her muscles, pulling chakra into them, but it was useless. Her forte was gathering her chakra and pushing it out in one fast, powerful movement, like a thunderbolt. This kind of slow, patient effort was different, it required constant, steady strength, and the shadows were not like ropes, they would never break. Her only chance was if Shikamaru got tired faster than she did.

She looked up into his face but it was smooth, empty, not showing even the smallest sign of concentration or effort.

"So," he began. "What was all this?"

She pursed her lips.

"Let me tell you how things are done when I'm around, woman," Shikamaru said. "If I ask you something, you answer. So, let's begin. Why did you say that you didn't want to go back to Uchiha?"

Sakura watched him defiantly and kept her mouth shut.

Shikamaru slowly shook his head and the shadows tightened a little. Sakura was thinking furiously. He wouldn't kill her or maim her, but he could probably do some unpleasant things to her. And, after all, what he wanted wasn't such a big deal. She could answer his questions.

"Because I don't want to," she spat.

"Why would I want to beg you on my knees to go back to him?" Shikamaru asked with a tiny note of curiosity in his voice.

"No idea."

"Why did you hit me?"

"Because I felt like it," Sakura stated.

"And why did you kiss me?" Shikamaru asked patiently.

"...because I felt like that, too."

"And why did you say you didn't want to date me?"

"That's not what I said!" Sakura shouted. "I said that you didn't have to date me! You're stupid and you don't understand and... let me go this instant, Shikamaru, or I'll beat you to a pulp!"

She tried to break out of the shadows and fought with all her strength but it was no use.

Shikamaru was watching her with a frown and Sakura was again painfully aware that her hair was probably a mess and her face was streaked with tears and maybe even her nose was running, but then something flashed in Shikamaru's eyes and he said with barely suppressed anger, "You're...not...going... to... do...this...to...me... again!"

The words were peppered with angry kisses on her mouth, her face, her chin, her hair until she hid her face on his chest.

"And now," Shikamaru's voice whispered into her ear, "let's walk through this again. Just for the sake of latecomers. Children and students half-price. So, why did you say you didn't want to go back to Uchiha?"

"I told you," Sakura said, her voice nasal with tears. "Cause I don't want to. So I won't. We're no good for each other. I didn't want to let him go because... well, in a way I'm responsible for him, but today I realized that I can't do anything for him. He's got his own path to walk. I can't help."

"What gave you the idea that I'd want you to go back to him?" Shikamaru asked, his breath warm on her neck.

"It was as if you wanted me to. You kept asking me questions about him whole day, and ..."

"The last thing I'd do," Shikamaru said very seriously, "is asking you to go back to him. I'd cut out my own tongue first."

"But you said you didn't care and..."

"Later," Shikamaru interrupted. "Why did you hit me?"

"Because you had all those girls like Ino said and I only dated Sasuke and still you went on and on how you hated him and how I shouldn't care about him and he's my teammate, Shikamaru! If you dated Ino and then realized that it was no good but she had no one to rely on but you, you wouldn't just drop her because another girl wants you to!"

"Hmm. And why did you kiss the living daylights out of me after that?"

"Because you seemed so hurt and unhappy and it was my fault and I..."

"Wait, wait. Why did you say, quote - you don't have to date me – unquote?"

"Because you don't have to." Sakura stopped for a second then said determinedly, "Because you don't want to. I asked you to and you only said yes because I asked you. That's not fair and I shouldn't have and you don't owe me anyth..."

"Sakura, just shut up," Shikamaru said tiredly. Sakura opened her mouth but before she could say anything Shikamaru looked at her with a steely eye. "I meant that."

Sakura clamped her mouth shut.

He frowned and said slowly, "I'll let you go but you have to promise you don't try to escape again. Not until we finished talking, ok? I really like you but all this running around on rooftops and shouting and being hit is a drag. On my free day, too. So you quit behaving like a four-year-old and we'll talk sensibly. Ok?"

Sakura slowly nodded. She felt the shadow ties loosen and she would have fallen on the floor if Shikamaru didn't catch her. He marched her to the sofa and they both sat down.

Sakura's heart was pounding hard. _He said he liked me. He said he really liked me. I don't understand._

"Okay. So, first things first. I can prove I want to date you."

"What? You can't, I..."

"Stop interrupting, Sakura. I can prove it because in the morning when you were still asleep I sent a message to Chouji to reserve a table for two at the Golden Dragon and not to tell a single word to Ino."

"But the Golden Dragon is a terribly costly kind of place!" Sakura exclaimed.

"Exactly. So, if you think you somehow forced me into dating you, why would I get a table there on a Saturday night?" Shikamaru asked.

"Because you're a nice man?" Sakura said uncertainly.

Shikamaru gave an exasperated sound that sounded like 'harrumph'. "I'm not a nice man, Sakura. Far from it. And this kind of tiptoeing around someone so just not to hurt their ego, that's not me at all. That's you. If I do something like reserving a table at a restaurant like that I mean it. Otherwise I'd spare the effort."

"I don't understand," Sakura admitted.

Shikamaru sighed again. "It's partly my fault. I find it hard to explain things to others except if it's absolutely necessary and I don't like risks."

He searched his pockets and found a crumpled tissue and wiped Sakura's face, gently, lovingly, like a father would.

Sakura didn't even thank him, she was thinking over what Shikamaru said.

"But you were so... distant when we came back to the village. You didn't even answer my questions. You were behaving as if you had enough of my company and were completely bored with me and kept looking around as if you wanted to leave me then and there and believe me, I know the signs."

Sakura sighed, thinking of all the times when she had to read the body talk of his team because they wouldn't talk. _Men. Don't. Talk._ This should have been rule number one in the book of rules. It was probably in a secret preamble that was handed out only to boys.

Sai, with his artificial smile plastered on his face, pushing everyone's buttons just to see how they would react, trying to make himself feel at least half alive. Kakashi, covering all his body, complete with mask. Yamato once said that if Kakashi were a woman, he'd gladly wear a burka. Yamato, his face a smiling mask, _"I'm all right, I'm always all right."_ Naruto, his face going carefully emotionless before the blind anger or a big, false smile. Sasuke, always Sasuke, looking away, his whole body turning away from them, afraid to stay, afraid to go.

"Sakura," Shikamaru said calmly. "Do you know what a polysemous code is?"

This was so unexpected that she found herself answering rationally, like in the lab.

"Is it like the dual code that you were talking about at breakfast?"

Shikamaru looked at her and there was a shadow of a smile on his face. For a second they were back in his kitchen, Sakura basking in the sunshine of his attention, his warmth. Her heart beat faster.

"No. Dual codes are linear codes, error-correcting codes, a different type. Polysemous codes... that's like art. One object, several ways of interpretation."

"Oh, you mean like polysemous words? Not two meanings, but several? Like flowers?"

"Flowers?" Shikamaru asked, frowning.

"Ino made me learn the alphabet of flowers when we were kids," Sakura explained. "Several alphabets, in fact. Different cultural backgrounds mean different connotations."

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, she didn't explain it like that then," Sakura said with a tiny smile. "She just said, 'this flower used to mean this and this and this,' and we tried to make complete messages out of them. It was fun. The problem was, there were lots of possible interpretations. We had to agree on a key in advance."

Shikamaru nodded. "Just like that. The funny thing is, human behaviour is, in its essence, a polysemous code. A smile or a frown may mean a thousand things. Now, the problem with polysemous codes, as you said, is that it is easy to make a mistake if you start from the wrong hypothesis." He sighed, then said quietly, "We both made that mistake."

Sakura's stomach hurt. This wasn't the pleasant anticipation that she felt yesterday or this afternoon on the hilltop. This felt as if there was a trapdoor inside her, opening up, and her soul, small and scared, was looking down into a darkness where it would be lost for a long, long time.

"I'm sorry," Sakura said. She felt the wrenching, gut-churning desire to run again, anywhere, but there was nowhere to run. She waited silently, praying that it would be fast, whatever he did.

Shikamaru looked at her. "Stupid little girl," he said, then took her in his arms and held her close. "You still don't see it, do you? Do you? I care about you, Sakura, and when I say care, it's not like for a friend. Got it now? Hell."

Sakura was, for once in her life, speechless. But not for long.

"You like me?"

Shikamaru nodded.

"Why didn't you tell me before? I mean tell, like in words?" Sakura asked, still shocked. Understanding was slowly dawning on her but she still felt cold and shaky.

"Because sometimes I forget how shy you are under all that strength and ambition and how you need everything important spelled out in black and white," Shikamaru sighed. "Also, like I said, I misinterpreted your behaviour, too, at least for a while, and you haven't lost your ability to counteract all my plans without thinking. Hell, I'm more than happy that we're in the same village. It would be a drag to work against you."

"I don't quite understand what you're talking about," Sakura said. The sun was shining more strongly now and the room was warm once again and the air tasted so sweet she felt she could lick it.

"Look, all I'm saying is that I like you, that I want to date you, and I have no idea how you came to the conclusion that I didn't."

"I don't know how you came to the conclusion that I wanted to go back to Sasuke!" Sakura said.

Shikamaru looked at her and said quietly, "Every single time I asked you what you were thinking about, his name was the first thing that came up. Or if not his name, then something connected with him."

Sakura frowned. It was difficult to remember how many times she thought of Sasuke and how many times of Shikamaru and how many times of others, like her team.

"We broke up only a week ago," she said. "And he's still my teammate. Of course I think of him sometimes, but not in the same terms as before. Yesterday I was so angry with him, and today... It's hard to explain, but the more I spoke to you, the more I understood myself and him, too. It had very little to do with love or sex or anything romantic, though," she added, thinking.

"It... it really killed me when I thought... when I thought that all the time we spent together since yesterday, you wished that you were with him instead of me," Shikamaru said in an almost-whisper.

"Are you completely mad, Shika?" Sakura said furiously. She shook her head, amazed and angry. "That's sick! What on earth gave you the idea that I would do something like that? Gross!"

"So you never wished he were in my place?" Shikamaru asked, his big brown eyes watching her face.

"Ino was right!" Sakura fumed. "You're completely nuts, completely! If I wanted to be with him, I would have sought him out, and if he was still with that whore, I would have sent her packing, and if he were objecting, I would have broken his jaw! I don't want him! It just pisses me off no end that he was such an asshole when he could have just told me! This whole week, he was sneaking around like a man without a backbone! He even left it to me to explain things to Naruto, and that's a pretty hard task, I tell you!"

Shikamaru started laughing and Sakura wanted to hit him again, and then she realized that she was telling the truth.

_I'm free. I'm free of him. After all these years, I'm free of Sasuke. Whatever I give him from now on that will be because I want to, and not because I feel I have to._

She looked at Shikamaru and his eyes were shining and he was still laughing and Sakura felt her lips shape themselves into a tiny smile.

"You're completely nuts," she repeated without any conviction. "And there's nothing funny about this."

Shikamaru got hold of her and kissed her, a brief, sweet kiss. Sakura, however, had other things on her mind and swatted him away. She still wanted an explanation. Shikamaru seemed happy now, but she needed more.

"When did you realize that it wasn't like that? That it had nothing to do with him?" Sakura asked.

Shikamaru smiled. "When you hit me and then kissed me and then started crying and ran away. Strange, but in that moment I realized that I misunderstood all your reactions until then and I saw where we both went wrong. Such an extreme emotional reaction meant that you... that you must care about me, too. If you were sure that you didn't want to have anything to do with me, you would have been more polite, more... gentle. So as not to hurt me with the refusal, see?"

"But why were you so distant when we came back from the meadow?" Sakura said. She was now excited and thrilled and surprised, the black cloud of fear surrounding her disappearing little by little. "And you talked to those... those... girls as if I wasn't even there! Why?"

Shikamaru winced. "I know," he said. "It's true, in a way. I didn't want you to meet them. I... I don't know how to explain it. I tried to keep that part of my life as separate from everything else as I could. It's not that I'm ashamed of my lovers or anything. It's just... I found it easier to keep things compartmentalized, see? I never introduced them to Chouji or Ino or anyone else. It just wasn't part of the package. So it was an automatic reaction and then you just went all cold and frightening in a second before I could say anything. It was as if you suddenly became a different person."

_He knows about us,_ Inner chirped in happily.

"It's because of that seduction squad thing, isn't it?" Sakura said slowly. "The one Ino talked about."

Shikamaru nodded. "I know I owe you an explanation," he said. "I wanted to tell you before, at least as much as I'm allowed to, but I... I just couldn't."

_The meadow,_ Sakura thought. _He told me, in a way. He told me he wanted to talk about ANBU but couldn't._

Shikamaru was watching her face and his eyes were very sad. Sakura had no idea how to say that it was all right, that no matter what he did it was all right, that she would be there for him, just like he was always there for her, all those years when he was her friend and nothing more.

She remembered Shikamaru coming back after that fateful first mission as team leader and seeking her out at the hospital – he was sad and afraid and lost, his eyes red from crying, scared to death for his teammates, because Chouji and Neji were still in intensive care, but he was still standing erect and apologizing to her for his failure to bring Sasuke back.

Each of those sound nin was bigger, stronger, more vicious than Shikamaru or any member of his team was. She heard it all from Kiba and Naruto later. But Shikamaru didn't say anything like that. He wasn't looking for excuses. He only saw that he was responsible for the success of the mission and he failed.

He was so brave even then, so much older than his years.

Now she knew what she had to say. Sleeping around in the village was one thing, and she would have some questions about that, she knew that, but she would never judge him over anything he did for the sake of a mission. She was shinobi, too. She understood.

She put her arms around Shikamaru's neck and pulled him to her. "I don't care," she whispered. "I don't care what you did. I'm sure you did what had to be done and that's all I have to know."

"Good," Shikamaru whispered. "That's good."

This time it was Sakura who kissed him, gently, lovingly, then she pulled his head down to rest on her shoulder and held him there.

_He's hurt. I saw it when we worked together. I saw it and didn't say anything because I couldn't find the words, but I knew he was suffering. He looked so thin and tired and on edge. I thought maybe he'd been wounded while he was still with ANBU, those guys get the most difficult assigments, and some of those wounds take a lot of time to heal. Yamato is full of scars. Kakashi, too. But I never thought that this wound wasn't something physical._

She started to stroke his hair, his back, his arms, trying to express her feelings without words, trying to console him with the touch of her hands.

Shikamaru was grasping her as if his life depended on it. His skin felt hot on hers and he was breathing fast. She couldn't see his face.

_He doesn't want me to see him scared and upset. How much did he tell Ino? Not much. I think she only knows what she knows because her father works for Ibiki. Did he trust anyone to talk about this? He probably had an advisor or a counselor assigned to him, but would he confide in them? Poor boy, my poor, stupid, proud boy. No wonder he was so jealous of Sasuke. He would have needed someone to take care of him, too._

She kissed the top of his head.

"Things will be better now," she said. "I promise. But the next time you try to pull off something like that and go all cold and mean on me instead of telling me plainly what the matter is, I'll punch you into next week."

"Time travel. Such a marvelous thing," Shikamaru mumbled. His voice was almost normal. He raised his head and looked at Sakura.

_This is treacherous ground,_ Sakura thought. _Too much tenderness will scare him just as much as too little. Men, as a rule, are usually not comfortable with rushes of emotions, and today... today even I felt as if some malevolent god tried to push and pull me through as many kinds of emotion that any human being was capable of._

"So we'll talk about this later," Sakura said. "Right now you have to go."

"What?" Shikamaru asked, uncertain.

"I said, it's high time you left. I've got a date in the evening. You said you would pick me up at... seven, was it? I want to wash my hair."

Shikamaru visibly tried to pull himself together and looked at Sakura questioningly.

Sakura smiled.

"You're okay like this," Shikamaru said with the usual insensitive carelessness of young men who still think that women dress up for dinner for the men's sake, and not so that other women could turn green with envy. "You're pretty just as you are."

"You said you were taking me out to the Golden Dragon," Sakura said slowly, with exaggerated calm. "Were you lying? Or maybe Chouji couldn't get a table or something?"

"We've got a table, Chouza knows the owner, and I'm not lying, what on earth..."

"Then leave me alone and get going, I want to wash my hair!" Sakura shouted.

Shikamaru smiled.

"Fine. Fine. However, I have some basic rules I want to lay down right now."

"Like what?" Sakura asked suspiciously.

"Well, I know that girls never, but really never get ready on time. So I don't mind waiting, as long as I can do that on your sofa and not on the other side of the door."

"I think I can manage that," Sakura said.

Shikamaru smirked.

"What, the not getting ready part? I bet."

"Moron."

"There's more. I won't mind sitting here while you are running around in bra and panties and trying to find the other shoe but I heartily detest face masks and those cotton things between the toes that make women walk like ducks. So…"

"How sensitive."

"Oh yes… and…"

"No more. You."

Sakura kissed him and this time there was nothing consoling or gentle or playful about it.

"You make me forget what else I wanted to say," Shikamaru said after a while.

"That was the idea," Sakura said smugly. She ran her fingers through her hair that somehow got mussed up while they were kissing. "Now go and tell Ino that you're taking me out to dinner so she doesn't have to take control of you on the main street and make you sing that funny song that begins with 'All the girls in Konoha are happy when I'm here' with your thumb up your nose..."

"And my pants around my ankles," Shikamaru finished. "Yeah, I'd better tell her that I'm an honourable man."

He stroked his chin.

"Yes, a shave would be nice, too," Sakura said.

Shikamaru sighed and rolled his eyes but he got up and went to the door.

He looked back before he opened it and his face showed a little uncertainty.

"So, the date is on?"

"Yes, definitely," Sakura said.

"See you at seven."

"At seven," Sakura repeated. She wanted to stay alone to think and to choose a dress and yes, to wash her hair, but still she found herself going closer and closer to the door and then she was in Shikamaru's arms and they were kissing and she didn't want to let him go.

"So you'll come back?" she whispered.

"Oh yes," he whispered back.

"Promise?"

"Promise," Shikamaru said. "And one more thing."

"Yes?" Sakura asked in a whisper.

"You said you thought you bored me. The thing is, Sakura... you amaze me. You delight me. You excite me. You thrill me. And yes, sometimes you fill me with bone-chilling dread. But ever since I've known you, ever since we were children, I never found you boring. Not one moment. Not one second."

They watched each other for a minute, unblinking, stern, then they both smiled at the same time. A last short kiss, and Shikamaru was out the door, running down the stairs and... was he laughing?

Sakura shut the door again and for a minute stood in the middle of the room, unmoving, then her eyes blurred and she was dancing around in the flat, laughing and crying at the same time. Shikamaru found her exciting and thrilling and amazing and... what else? Oh yes, he was afraid of her.

Well, if there was something amiss with this dinner date, he had better run and hide.

Sakura sniffed, then wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and went to run a bath.


	8. Chapter 8

And now what, Sakura asked herself as she got out of the tub, dried and brushed her hair and put on her favourite yukata (green, tiny embroidered rosebuds on the collar, a little frayed), then opened all the windows of her tiny apartment so that the rooms could be aired properly. Now what? This whole day was so strange, nothing progressing like she would have expected it. It was dizzying and frightening, this... this intensity of things she felt with Shikamaru.

But, of course, it shouldn't have been so surprising. As her mother used to say, there are two kinds of water where you can't see the bottom – one where the water is too troubled, the other where it is too deep. Or something like that.

Shikamaru was the deep kind. Just like Kakashi. They hid their thoughts, their feelings, but under the smooth, expressionless masks the current ran deep.

_I must remember that_, Sakura thought._ I mustn't forget._ It wasn't only love and loyalty and friendship that people like them felt strongly. There was hate and grief and jealousy, too.

There was a lot of gentleness in Shikamaru, gentleness and love and care and understanding. But no forgiveness. None. He remembered everything, never forgave, never forgot.

She shook her head and started on the next item on the to-do list – choose a suitable dress to wear. It wasn't every day that a girl got invited to the Golden Dragon and Sakura intended to look fabulous and enjoy every single second of it. Ino would scream with envy, once she heard about it!

She had nothing to wear, that was the sad truth. First she took all her dresses out of the closet – there weren't many -, then all the civilian clothes, finally the shinobi clothes and the nurse outfits, just to make sure that there wasn't a beautiful, exotic, sexy, totally forgotten outfit somewhere in the back of the closet. How it would have gotten there, Sakura couldn't imagine, but as she was desperately wishing for a miracle (maybe Ino left something in her closet... or Hinata took an evening dress to the cleaners where it unexplicably shrunk to Sakura's size... or whatever...) she just had to make it sure that the sordid reality was that she still had to find a dress to wear.

There was the red silk evening dress... no, that was too fancy for the occasion. She didn't want to look overdressed. The little black dress – Shikamaru must have seen that a thousand times. The peach silk. Too summery. The white one with blue flowers – too little-girlish but it will have to do – oh hell, she forgot that stain on the side. The dark pink cotton dress – Ino praised that on her once, and Sakura knew that she looked good in it. It was a funny thing because usually any kind of pink clashed so much with her hair that it was a complete disaster, but this was a deep, warm, rose-coloured pink that accentuated the paler pink of her hair and her lips and made her skin look less pale because it reflected a warm light on her face. Oh, but it was cotton and it looked best in daylight, in artificial light it would look cheap and threadbare. Maybe a skirt and a blouse?

Sakura looked around. The clothes were scattered in a random pattern all around her small flat as she carried them with her, tried some of them on then discarded them all. And there was the problem of shoes and jewellery and... where was her evening purse? Where? Even if she found an outfit she wouldn't be able to wear a weapons' pouch with it, for God's sake!

She sat down on her couch in despair. Why was it so goddamn important what she was going to wear? Shikamaru would probably arrive in his usual jounin outfit anyway and wouldn't even know, much less care about how much time she spent with this just to show him...

To show him what?

All this time, Sakura thought, she was sure she knew this man. But she didn't. She had no idea what he was really like. Now she was watching him from a different perspective, as if yesterday she'd boarded a fast train and left behind all that she was sure of. Or as if the river she was dreaming about this morning carried her far, far away, and now she was looking at a different shore, a different country, one where exotic flowers grew by the riverside and strange beasts were lurking behind the trees. This has never happened to her before. This power to change, to transform life...

She read something like that once in one of the romances. The heroine said something like that when she met her man... or when she left him?

Sakura jumped up and took one of the paperback volumes off her bookshelf. No, this was about a businessman and his secretary, she wouldn't say something like that. It must have been a cloak-and-dagger type of story, or...

She threw the book down on the floor impatiently, then the next one, too. No, not this one either. Suddenly this was more important than the dress, she wanted to know what was happening to her, she felt so unsure, so vulnerable, this feeling must have a name, a definition. She was always so sure of her feelings before, even when she was later proved wrong. This feeling of nagging uncertainty, the waves of fear and happiness, following each other in a dizzying pattern... The books were piling on the floor, some of them fell on the clothes, but this was important, this was...

A sudden noise woke her from her reverie. She only saw a blur, a flash of the green and black of the chuunin vest and the pants, and then it was Shikamaru, a kunai in each hand, his face stern.

"What happened?" he asked. "What's wrong?"

He came in the open window, she realized, and as she looked around, she understood what it must look like to him – a crime scene.

"I'm... I'm all right," Sakura said. "I just couldn't find a dress..."

"Thank God," Shikamaru said, his voice unsure. He pocketed both kunais slowly, carefully. "I felt this sudden instinctive urge to come back and then I saw this... For a moment I thought..."

They both started moving at the same time and met in the middle of the room and held on to each other, then just as suddenly they both took a step back.

It would have been funny if it wasn't strange. Awkward. Breathtaking. Frightening.

"Would you like some tea?" Sakura asked. She desperately needed everything to go back to normal.

She went to the kitchen, Shikamaru following her silently as a shadow. She put the kettle on the cooker and turned the power on. She was wondering if he answered anything and she just didn't hear it when his hand turned the cooker off.

"You know, making tea is usually easier if you boil some water first," he said.

Sakura shook the kettle and realized that it was empty.

Now he thinks I'm a complete idiot, she thought bitterly, then she felt Shikamaru stepping closer to her, his chest almost touching her back.

"What's the matter?" he asked quietly. When she didn't answer, didn't turn back, he carried on hesitantly. "I'm still your friend, you know... I hope. So... what happened here, really?"

Sakura took a deep, shaky sigh.

It was impossible to explain this in normal terms.

Maybe she could do what Shikamaru did last night – make-believe that this was a movie and she would only have to write the dialogue.

No. This wasn't a movie, least of all a porn movie. That was one of the problems.

This was a fairytale.

When she and Lee broke up, she turned to books for consolation. She couldn't read romances without bitterness instantly welling up in her, so she re-read all the favourite books of her childhood.

When she read the big volume of fairytales again that she used to read almost every day when she was a little girl, she was shocked.

Fairytale world was grim and evil when she looked at it closely, even compared to the world of shinobi.

There were a thousand ways of being killed, all described with a malicious pleasure. People were cheated and ridiculed and hurt on every page.

If a hero or a heroine wanted to succeed, they had to risk everything they had, everything they _were_, each and every time, without exception.

Yes, this was exactly like a fairytale.

"There's this... this guy I know," she whispered. "I thought I knew him. And I don't. And suddenly... suddenly it's important like hell that he... that I could impress him and show him that I can look quite pretty sometimes... and then I can't find a damn dress that would look good on me."

Shikamaru didn't say anything but Sakura felt that desperate, lurking fear again, all the what ifs and maybes and impossibles and she wanted it to end, one way or another.

"The problem is, I don't think he really cares about me. Not the way I want him to, anyway," she said. "It's not his fault – I have no right to... But... Sasuke never really cared about me and I don't want to make the same mistake again. I know he likes me, he told me... but that's not enough. We are friends, yes. That's not enough either. Not now. Not anymore. But I'll never know if he feels the same way..."

His voice was just a whisper.

"He does. If this is... this is the guy I think you're talking about... he does. He feels the same way."

"How do you know?" Sakura asked.

Shikamaru gave a dry little chuckle. "I know him very well, you know."

"Not that, idiot," Sakura said, frowning. "The other thing... How do you know it's like that? Maybe it's just... just sex. Just lust."

"No," Shikamaru whispered and his arms were around Sakura, holding her, protecting her. "It's much more than that. It's just... he's a coward, Sakura. He's not like you. You decide what you want to do and then it's take it or leave it, it's an open attack with a battle cry on your lips. There's so much life in you, so much fire..."

Sakura wanted to turn around but Shikamaru wouldn't let her. She felt him burying his face in her hair.

"I think I'm in love," Sakura said gravely. "I love you. I don't even care if you don't. But I do."

"And there goes your proof," Shikamaru said in a raspy voice. "I should have been the first one to say it."

"Very true, oh, master of shadows," Sakura said. "So do it now."

"I love you."

Sakura turned around in his arms to look into his eyes.

"I love you, Shikamaru," she said again, enjoying the sound of it.

"And I love you, Sakura," he said. Sakura's eyes were blurring but she saw that Shikamaru's eyes were full of tears, too, and then he was kissing her and it had nothing to do with sex, and the elusive sentence was there – "a soul that hasn't been warmed by the fire of love is lifeless, like a useless ball of corn flour."

Sakura had no idea how long they'd kissed or what exactly they said to each other when their mouths weren't touching. She only knew for sure that it was a good thing that Shikamaru turned the cooker off when he did, otherwise her flat might have gone up in flames now.

She kissed Shikamaru's eyes again. He was sweet, so sweet, taking this all so seriously. She never thought she would ever see him cry.

Shikamaru kissed her neck and then cleared his throat.

"You still haven't answered me. What's this mess? Do you always do this when you're getting ready for a date?"

"Well, actually I do," Sakura answered angrily. "I used to empty all the drawers, too, and break the furniture, but I managed to give that habit up almost completely."

Shikamaru chuckled.

"Stop avoiding my question."

"It's true," Sakura said. She felt dizzy again, but this was not sick-dizzy, this was rollercoaster-ride-dizzy, drank-too-much-champagne-dizzy, I'm-crazy-about-this-guy-dizzy. "What I said before, I mean. I was looking for a dress that would make you see how sexy, irresistible and wonderful I was, and..."

"I could see that without any clothing on, Sakura," Shikamaru said.

"Well, for some obscure reason I thought that it wouldn't be a good idea to go to a restaurant naked."

"Pity. And what about the books? When silk, velvet and cotton all failed to hold your interest, you decided to pin a dress together from your favourite pages or what?"

Sakura looked up and instantly got lost in those deep brown eyes. _Does he use his charm consciously, or is this just natural? Does he know that he has little green and light brown spots in his irises when he's happy?_

"I realized I was falling in love and I was looking for a sentence that would sum it up," she said grumpily in the end.

Shikamaru only said, 'oh, you,' and kissed her again.

One kiss led to another and each time Shikamaru kissed her, there was this almost terrifying depth of emotions that made her want to laugh and cry and shout and dance. Like an abyss, crisscrossed with thin planks over it, and she was the only one who could cross over the depth without fear.

Because she could fly any time she wanted to.

_IlovehimIlovehimIlovehim._

_And he loves me, too._

At one point Shikamaru must have got bored with standing in the kitchen because he picked Sakura up and took her to the sofa, sat down and pulled her on his lap.

Just like last night in his bedroom, Sakura thought and blushed deeply.

"What are you thinking about, sweetheart? You went tomato red in a second," Shikamaru drawled.

"Last night," Sakura mumbled. "I can't believe where I got the courage to ask you to... to... you know. I have no idea what you must have thought. And... it's just unbelievable how things changed in one day, don't you think?"

She looked up into Shikamaru's face. He frowned, looked at Sakura, then looked away again.

"Did I say something wrong?" Sakura asked. She decided not to fret this time. All day she was driving herself mad with theories and questions... but no, she couldn't say in good conscience that she could have spared the effort.

With both Lee and Sasuke she took some things for granted and she couldn't say that things worked out that well in the end. If she couldn't be honest with Shikamaru, and that meant sharing her doubts, too, then this relationship would not work out, either.

"So you never thought of me before that way?" Shikamaru asked hesitantly. "Last night was the first time that you looked at me as a man, a potential partner?"

"A potential partner in what sense?" Sakura asked slowly. "Look, this isn't leading anywhere. I always knew that you were a man. If I ever thought about you, I thought of you as an attractive man. But mostly I didn't. By the time I realized that being with Sasuke was a daydream at the best and a dangerous notion with a high chance of being killed as a side effect at the worst and started looking around for a boyfriend, you were already off the market, so to speak. You went around in Konoha with Temari a lot, don't forget that. You were practically the first of the rookie nine who got a steady girlfriend."

It was true. Now that Sakura thought back, she remembered Shikamaru coming to meetings and briefings and listening to mission reports years and years ago, wearing the same smug expression on his face as he did this morning. These were the mornings after Temari arrived from Sand and spent the night in Konoha...

"So because I was not available, you didn't consider me as a possible boyfriend at all," Shikamaru said. "Fair enough. But wasn't there ever... you know... something more? Something that made you... wonder?"

Sakura shrugged. She may as well tell him, she thought. It wasn't as if it was a secret. She looked at Shikamaru.

"There were quite a few times when I thought you would ask me out," she said. "But you never did. The last time was after the summer festival. Then I was almost sure. But when you didn't, I just thought that maybe I was wrong all the time. That you thought of me as Ino's girlfriend and you were just nice to me in your way, and somehow I thought more about your behaviour than it ever really was. It's an easy mistake to make, nobody's fault. It happens to me all the time at the hospital. I smile at a male patient, I tell him I'm glad he's feeling better, and the next thing I know, he's waiting for me in front of the nurses' room, asking for a date. Sasuke used to be annoyed no end."

Shikamaru was watching her seriously. Sakura suddenly felt annoyed, too.

"I always give you an answer when you ask me something," she pointed out. "Even if it's none of your business. It's like I'm a specimen under your microscope. Well, I'm not. And I want to know things, too."

"Like what?" Shikamaru asked in a deceptively light tone.

"Like what really happened when you were with ANBU that made you clam up so. I mean, you were never exactly transparent, but with people you knew well you were more open."

"That's a pretty big question."

"I also want to know what happened to Temari and why you two broke up. Somehow I have this feeling that there's a lot more to that than what you told me. And... and... and... I want to know when and how you fell in love with me. Really, when did you fall in love with me?"

"That's a pretty difficult question. Both of them, in fact."

"Seems to me the questions I want you to answer are either too big or too difficult," Sakura said pointedly. "Okay, then let's begin with a simple one. When did you start to like me?"

She was watching Shikamaru suspiciously, ready to erupt in a fit of rage if he smiled again and said another smoothing and utterly uninformative platitude, but when she saw Shikamaru blush a deep red, she was more than surprised.

"Hell," she said. "You tell me what's happening here right now, this very minute, or I'll... I'll..."

She raised one of her fists.

"Fine, fine," Shikamaru mumbled. "I'll explain. Troublesome woman. Where should I begin?"

He fidgeted, then looked at Sakura.

"But you do love me?"

His voice was so miserable that Sakura's heart softened at once. Seeing this usually stoic, reserved, proud man like this...

"You stupid idiot!" she said loudly, just short of shouting. "Of course I love you! Why would I want to say something like that if it wasn't true?"

Shikamaru's answer to that was to kiss her so forcefully that she had to hold on to his vest to keep her balance.

_What's going on here?_

Inner giggled. _You're thinking too much, babe. You should concentrate more on his lips. He's a real good kisser, don't you think?_

Sakura wanted Shikamaru to keep on kissing her but she wanted her answers, too. Damn, but Inner was right... Each time she moved her lips to feel his lips more, he responded so gently, so lovingly, it felt as if they were dancing. Sakura could almost see herself and Shikamaru in a ballroom with crystal chandeliers and a shining parquet floor – they were elegantly dressed and spinning, spinning around, the music gently flowing and billowing around them like a silk scarf.

When he stopped, she cuddled closer to him and forgot anything else for a moment.

She came back to her senses slowly and realized that the music was pouring in the open window and the song about that eternal flame was not in her imagination. Just the dance. Only the dance.

_I wonder if he can dance. He's an ace at everything he tries. I'll ask him to..._

Then he kissed her again and that was all the dance she needed.

After a while Shikamaru said, "I think I'd better answer at least some of your questions. It's not like you wouldn't be insisting anyway. Bother."

"So this was an attempt to confuse me?" Sakura asked.

"No," Shikamaru said. "I wanted to kiss you so much, you can't even imagine. But... well, I don't mind winning a little time either. This is... this is really hard for me, Sakura. Usually I don't share my feelings with anyone and I'm... I'm not sure if it will make sense to you. But you have to let me explain things to you in my own way."

Sakura nodded.

"So... uh... yes, I've liked you for a while."

"I knew it! I knew it!" Sakura shrieked. "Yes, yes, yes!"

Shikamaru was still holding her waist with one hand but he held his other hand close to his head, with his pinky in one ear. And he was wincing.

"Oh sorry," Sakura said. She gave a guilty grin and Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

"Women," he said.

"So how long have you been madly in love with me?"

"Oh, it was nothing that serious," Shikamaru mumbled. "Not then. Not at first. Just... something like Kiba."

"Kiba?" Sakura asked, her face one big question mark.

Shikamaru gave a short bark of a laugh. "No, not like that. I don't do men, remember?"

Sakura still watched him, completely clueless

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow and laughed again.

"Kiba? Kiba, with the nice abs and rock-hard bottom?"

Sakura burst out laughing. Now she remembered.

It happened years ago, on a short trip to Tea. Shikamaru was team captain, and Ino, Chouji and Sakura were his team. It wasn't a dangerous mission, the only reason the Hokage wanted two medic nins on the team was that they were supposed to check the quality of a shipment of medicine in a port village and Tsunade thought that the simplest way would be to do that right there in the harbour. Sakura suspected that Tsunade also thought that each member of their team could do with a few days of peace and rest.

It happened just like that. On the way there they were all tired and not very talkative, but a week of good food and sunshine and easy work and swimming in the sea restored them all to health and on the trip back they were all full of life and fire and mischief. Sakura remembered it well. They slept in tents, the boys in one, the girls in another, and every night they made a campfire and there were jokes and stories and laughter. It was a bonus, and they all knew that. They were all friends and happy together and wanted to enjoy it as much as they could.

One night Chouji was already asleep, Shikamaru on guard, and it was so hot in the girls' tent that it was impossible to sleep. Ino started telling about some date of hers, and then talk turned to guys and their looks and assets, and Ino was whispering something about Kiba, how he had such a rock-hard bottom that she wanted to bite it, and Sakura giggled and said something about his abs, when they heard Shikamaru's soft drawl next to the tent, "That's all well and nice, girls, but shouldn't you get some sleep now? We'll have a long day tomorrow," and then she and Ino just looked at each other and started laughing so loudly that Chouji woke up with a snort. They had forgotten for a while that the walls of a tent were no obstacle to sound at all, and a shinobi could hear whispers in the night without any problem.

The next day Shikamaru smirked practically all day and when they waded through a small brook and Ino complained of the stones under the water, Shikamaru just said, "yeah, it's got a rock-hard bottom," and Ino laughed so hard, she sat down in the water, and then Shikamaru said, "and now it's got you all wet," and then Ino pushed him into the water, too. In a minute they were all engaged in an all-around waterfight, throwing water at each other and shouting nonsense attack names invented for the occasion.

"I know," Sakura said. "I remember now. But I still don't understand. What has anything got to do with Kiba in our case?"

"I'm just saying that I heard a lot about hot guys and especially Kiba's body that night, but I don't think either you or Ino had a crush on him or ever wanted him to ask you out or something. It's just... he was there, he looked good, you took notice. You would have needed something else to consider him a potential partner. A spark. A little push."

Sakura nodded. It was like looking at the sculpted male bodies in magazines. She would think, "nice chest" or "nice arms," and think no more about it.

"That was the way you and I both felt for a long time, I think," Shikamaru said. "I looked at you and what I saw, well, that depended on the circumstances. Mostly I saw a friend, or a valuable member of my team, and sometimes a pretty girl. Sometimes I would find myself looking at you and thinking that I wouldn't kick you out of my bed, but nothing more. And, as much as I can see, it was the same with you. You liked me as a friend, a team leader, whatever, and appreciated my good qualities, but never in a... personal way."

Sakura asked, "But you wanted me? You thought I was... sexy? Attractive?"

"Yes. That's a definite yes. For quite a long time now."

"So it wasn't just weeks or something?"

Shikamaru shook his head.

"No. It began a lot sooner. I always thought you pretty. I also knew you were intelligent. From time to time it occurred to me that... well, that we should give each other a chance. It's just… somehow the timing was always off. When Temari and I had our first serious argument and we just cooled it for a while you were already dating Lee. When you and Lee broke up, I was already dating Aoi. And when she broke up with me, Temari and I got together again, and when we broke up for good, I was already in ANBU, and then Sasuke came back and everybody knew that no one else had a chance in hell with you… So I didn't even try and I kept telling myself that was that. But there was no hurry. It wasn't a desperate kind of situation. It wasn't the tragic love affair of the century, see what I mean? I just thought we could be good together. You never annoy me like Ino does. You never bore me like lots of other people do. We worked together a few times and I could tell that we were compatible in a lot of ways – ways of thinking, tastes and such. And then... well, when we were in Tea I couldn't help but notice how good you looked in that tiny red bikini of yours."

Sakura blushed a little. On that trip, she and Ino were both flirting quite shamelessly with the boys. Ino probably had her eyes on Chouji by that time, as they were joking and fooling around a lot, but they weren't dating yet. They were all friends, with a little pleasant sexual frisson in the air.

"You looked good in shorts, too," Sakura admitted. She remembered how she and Ino watched Chouji and Shikamaru coming toward them after a swim – Chouji, his childhood fat now all muscle, arms and legs like trunks, a frighteningly big man, and Shikamaru, lean and tall, long legs, narrow hips, broad shoulders, moving like a dancer, swift and graceful.

Shikamaru was smirking.

"I had a few nice fantasies about that red bikini," he whispered into Sakura's ear. "How I'd untie the strings of the top, then the panties and take them off and then I'd just pull you down on the sand... and then..."

His hand sneaked under Sakura's yukata and started to caress her thighs.

"What a pervert you are," Sakura said in a shaky voice. "I'd never thought..."

"What, that guys have sex fantasies about pretty girls they've just seen in a bikini? You surprise me. Didn't your mother tell you how guys want only one thing from girls?" Shikamaru teased her. Then his voice changed, became deeper, rougher, more dangerous. "Oh baby, you're wet for me, you're so wet..."

His fingers sneaked near her pussy, stroking and caressing her till she opened her legs and then Shikamaru was playing with her and kissing her at the same time. He was hard under her, so hard. She wanted all that hardness in her.

"Please," she whispered, "oh please, please..."

Somehow they found themselves in her bedroom. Shikamaru looked at her, and now she knew this face, the dreamy look of lust, the lazy half-smile, and when he drawled, "well, well, look at that – a bed we haven't used yet," she whimpered. Shikamaru's hands were again under her yukata, caressing her while she was struggling with the chuunin vest and then the shirt.

In her dazed state she couldn't quite unbutton his pants and Shikamaru smirked. "Not a lot of practice there, huh?"

She wanted to say something about his usual type of girls who would have practiced on all the available flies till they were perfect at it, but he laughed and she knew that he was just teasing her, and he got rid of his sandals and his pants in a minute and her yukata fell on the floor and he was carrying her in his arms to the bed.

_The secret part of fairytales,_ Sakura thought. She closed her eyes. _This is it. This is what I've been waiting for._

He put her on top of the bed, then she felt him near her. Sakura opened her eyes. He was lying next to her on one elbow and watched her in such a way that made hunger knot in her stomach. His eyes were dark, almost black, his pupils so dilated she couldn't tell where they ended and where the irises began.

_He wants me._

She felt... no, not beautiful. Strong. Powerful. Almost invincible.

_He's in my power._

"Can I still ask for things?" she said.

Shikamaru smiled, a gentle, loving smile.

"And you still think you have to ask that question, sweetheart," he said. "Yes. You can ask for anything you want."

"I want to be on top."

After a second she added, "If you please."

Shikamaru's eyebrows shot up and then he grinned in his usual lopsided way. "I thought it would be something more risqué."

"This is risqué enough for me," Sakura said. She wanted to add something, then decided not to, then thought that maybe she'd better anyway... and then Shikamaru ended her struggle.

"It seems to me that either most guys of the new shinobi generation train too much and only have time for the very basics in bed before they fall asleep, or else my reputation as a male chauvinist pig is completely undeserved," he said.

"What?" Sakura asked, not very graciously.

Shikamaru kissed her instead of an answer, then said, "I'm only saying that it looks to me that your previous boyfriends weren't very... adventurous in bed, so to speak. What's more, they didn't exactly encourage you to try new things, did they?"

Sakura shook her head, blushing.

Shikamaru kissed her again. It was a soft, inviting kiss, and Sakura was hardly aware that they were slowly changing their position, Shikamaru pulling her with him until he was lying on his back and she was on top of him.

She could feel all his body, hot and hard and full of dangerous skills. Funny that his deer weren't afraid of him. He was nothing docile or weak. He was a beast that could tear her limb from limb if she wasn't careful.

She shivered and opened her legs a little to feel him under her. Shikamaru was stroking her back, his big hands moving slowly on her skin.

"What would you like me to do?" she asked.

"What would I like?" he asked and smiled again. "Give yourself as much pleasure as you can, sweetheart. Trust me, I'm not completely unselfish in this."

"I don't understand," Sakura said.

"When sex feels very good for a woman, it means a lot more pleasure to her man, and I don't mean on a spiritual level. It's a simple fact."

He put his hands on her bottom and slowly slid them toward her opening. Sakura felt the blood rush to her face again... and not only to her face. It felt very good, lying on top of him, her body wet and sensitive and as he grabbed her butt on both sides and pulled her cheeks apart, she felt every sensation at least twice as strongly. When he started to push and pull her gently over him, with very slow, tiny movements, she felt her wetness pour over him and then she was gliding over his cock.

"When it feels good for you, your pussy starts to squeeze me as if you wanted to drink all of me, as if you wanted to suck me in fully," Shikamaru whispered. "And you smell so sweet to me, better than my meadow in springtime. So move as you want, honey, and it will be perfect for me any way."

She instinctively started to move her hips to her own rhythm. Shikamaru groaned.

It made her so proud that she could please him so much.

She moved a little more. Now it felt even better. Her skin felt hot and her whole body started trembling. It was unbearable, this heat that was melting her, scorching her inside and out.

She looked in Shikamaru's eyes. He stared back, unsmiling, his face grave, almost tragic with the intensity of desire, then he held her hips with both hands and raised her and she guided him inside her and slowly sank down.

"You fit inside me so perfectly," she said. Her voice wasn't her own, it was raspy, unsure, as if she were speaking another language.

"Yes, we're a perfect fit together," Shikamaru replied in his deep voice. His hands were still holding her hips, guiding her slowly, trying to find her rhythm.

He was so gentle with her, always gentle, always polite. Sakura hated those men who supposed that just because she was strong on the battlefield, she was insensitive and masculine in the bedroom, too – men who thought that she wouldn't care if they treated her roughly or carelessly or if they offered sex in the bluntest or rudest way.

Those men often found they suddenly acquired a broken nose or some broken fingers, but usually that did not make them understand what the problem was.

Funny how Shikamaru with all his old-fashioned male chauvinist views always treated women like ladies. Or maybe it was logical to Shikamaru? That women deserved respect not because they could do the same things that men could but because they were different?

"You never did this with anyone?" Shikamaru asked softly.

Sakura shook her head.

"Move your hips slowly," he said. "It's like geometry. It's all a question of angles. If you find the right angle, it's bliss. If it's just a bit off, you feel very little. You have to do it slowly at first to find out what works best for you."

Sakura nodded. Shikamaru was again doing things his own way, giving her what she wanted, giving her control over his body to use as she wished, but it wasn't because she could take this for herself. It was just courtesy, a temporary surrender of all his strength and skill and power for her sake.

It felt like a gift.

Her treacherous mind threw a picture at her – a big silk bow on Shikamaru's... hmmm... most private part.

_A big bow,_ she thought and giggled aloud.

She was moving slowly, just like he said, and it felt strange and good and exciting. How stupid she had been, not insisting before to try this.

No, it wouldn't have felt the same. Not with someone else.

"What's so funny?" he asked in his usual lazy voice.

"I'm not telling," Sakura said happily. She leant forward and gave him a hard kiss. As she sat up again, one of her hands slipped a bit and she sat back a little more forcefully than she intended.

_Oh God._

It was raw heat, pleasure so strong that her eyes crossed. Her mouth opened and she cried out aloud.

His hands clamped on her hips and pulled her down.

She cried out again.

Everything happened so fast after that. All that heat was pouring through her and he was ruthless, raising his hips again and again and pulling her down at the same time. She scratched his chest with her nails and he hissed and hit her buttock. It wasn't very painful but it stung, or rather she knew it should sting because instead it only added to the heat and made her completely crazy.

She opened her eyes and looked at him, moving under her. She somehow expected him to be just as dazed as she was, but there was a knowing smile on his face, a _smirk_.

Bastard.

Before she had time to think it through, she knew what she wanted to do.

_Let's see how you react to_ this, _big boy._

She concentrated and felt her chakra circling in her body. It was easy, like listening to her own breathing or feeling her own pulse, except that she had full control over it.

Perfect control.

She felt an evil smile forming on her face as she started to pull this energy into the centre just below her navel.

_Just a little. Just a tiny bit._

She was very careful – healing chakra usually felt great when it was applied to a wound; it felt soothing and calming and good, but this would be different. This would be a landslide. She always knew she could use her chakra any way she wanted, she could gather it into her hands, into her mouth, into her toes, if she wanted to, but like this...

His eyes opened wide. "What...?"

She felt the muscles of her pussy tense and then her chakra was surging through her and pushing into him, and then she let it go.

His back arched, his hands fell off her hips and clawed at her sheets and the tendons in his neck stood out like whipcords as his head fell back. Now he was trembling.

"Oh fuuuuck," he hissed.

Sakura smirked.

"Does it feel good?" she asked sweetly and moved her hips.

Shikamaru opened his mouth but no sound came out, then his hands were back on her hips and his eyes were blazing and he looked so sexy and dangerous that she felt as if her whole heart turned in her chest.

"You little minx," he whispered. "I'm gonna fuck you so hard, you won't be able to walk for a week."

Sakura let her chakra flow again and he groaned.

"We'll see about that," she said and giggled again. Her giggles turned into a helpless moan when his hands cupped her breasts and his thumbs started circling her nipples.

She had to grasp the headboard to steady herself and then he put one of his hands between them and started to caress her pearl.

It was amazing, it was more than amazing, this was... this was...

She was moving faster, and he was talking to her, encouraging her, telling her to ride him hard, as hard as she could, and she could feel all this bliss and all her chakra and their strength entwine with each other and turn into a spiral, going up to the sky. She knew that it was dangerous, losing herself so much was dangerous, but she wasn't herself anymore and didn't care, this was something so_ beautifu_l it made her want to cry and when she felt him shake uncontrollably and spill his seed inside her, the only thing that still made sense and tied her here, to this room, to this body was his name.

"Shikamaru!"

Time slowed down, stopped, started again, then there was a strange noise, like tearing paper, and then she was falling and landed on his body.

It took her a few seconds to regain her senses.

"What?" she asked feebly.

"I said, are you all right?"

"Of course I'm all right," she mumbled. "That was amazing."

"Yeah, amazing is one word for it," he said, his voice full of laughter. "Did you faint or something?"

"What? No!"

She opened her eyes and things didn't make sense. The whole room was tilted and shown from a strange perspective.

"What the hell...?"

She looked around and realized that Shikamaru was lying on the floor and she was still on top of him, the duvet was in a heap next to them and the bed...

"What on earth happened here?" she asked, so completely surprised that she couldn't even find words for it.

"Well," Shikamaru said slowly in his usual the-devil-may-care way, "when I came back you said you no longer broke your furniture to pieces before dates. It seems to me you were lying through your teeth."

Sakura raised her eyes. Shikamaru was grinning like mad.

The bed was a mess. The headboard was in two pieces, with a zigzagging tear in the middle, and the nearer half of the bed was tilted to one side, the mattress dangling in the air, one corner touching the floor.

"There must have been some inner tension in the wood," Sakura murmured.

"No, I don't think so," Shikamaru said peacefully. "It's just... once you ripped the headboard in two, the bed frame lost its stability and the mattress couldn't hold up our weight and that made some of the bed slats break, too, and then the whole thing collapsed."

Sakura tried to rewind her memory to the part where the bed was still in one piece.

It was incredible how sex got better and better. Yesterday she thought that was the top, and it was just the beginning. Oh, the healing chakra! Then Shikamaru went wild, and then... oh, yes! She was trying to be very careful, because genitals were sensitive, but when she came, it was so unbelievably good that the collected chakra somehow found its way into her hands and she made a mistake, a rookie mistake, and let it go unconsciously.

"Are you hurt, Shikamaru?" she asked, scared. "Did I hurt you?"

"No, darling. No, you didn't. Are you hurt?"

Sakura didn't know what to say. He took her hands, turned them around, examined her palms.

"No splinters. Did you hit your knees?"

Another piece of the puzzle. She remembered turning in the air but then she wasn't thinking, it was just one more sensation among so many.

He rolled from the bed when it collapsed and turned in the air so that she would fall on top of him. She hardly felt the impact, he was sheltering her with his own body.

"Aren't you bruised? How is your back?" she asked worriedly.

Shikamaru laughed. "I'm a shinobi, sweetheart, have you forgotten? The last time I was seriously bruised was when I was training with Chouji and _he_ fell on me."

Sakura kissed him. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Whatever for? That was amazing, just like you said. I guess we'll just have to practice this. We got a bit carried away. Looks like you'll spend the next few nights at my place, too. If you want to sleep in a bed, I mean. Not that I'm complaining."

He was watching her, his eyes full of love and warmth and_ pride_.

Sakura blushed.

"Okay. But you'll still have to answer all my questions. And you'll have to tell me when you fell in love with me. Up to now the only thing you told me was that you wanted to have sex with me pretty badly for a while, and I know I'm slow in these things, but I think I already got that," she finished grumpily.

"I wonder why," Shikamaru said. "Can I have just one more question?"

"Yes?"

"Do you still have that red bikini?"

"Pervert."

"I spend too much time with Kakashi. He's a bad influence."

Sakura opened her mouth, then closed it again. Her brain was empty. She wanted to respond with something witty but she was still high and all she could manage was a not very convincing 'whatever.'

Shikamaru shook his head. "You've stolen my heart, my soul, my sanity, and now you're starting on my favourite expressions. What's next, my shirts? Troublesome."

"What? No," Sakura murmured. She closed her eyes and smiled. This felt better than falling asleep on the beach. The only thing she missed was those funny drinks with tiny umbrellas in them.

Shikamaru chuckled and stroked her back.

"Why is it that you always remember something funny after we had sex?" Sakura asked, yawning.

"I was just thinking about how ANBU instructors always think they know everything and they are so, so wrong. It's not the first time I realized that. They don't know _shit._"

"Stop cursing, it's a very ugly habit," Sakura mumbled. "What are you talking about, anyway?"

She opened her eyes and looked at Shikamaru. He looked like the dictionary definition of self-satisfied.

_Not like the cat that ate the canary,_ Sakura thought. _Rather the cat who ate the Christmas turkey and got the dog punished for it._

Shikamaru looked at her and licked his lips. There was a wicked glint in his eyes.

"I had an instructor once who told us that some women would rip the sheets if they have a mind-blowing orgasm," he drawled. "He never said a fucking thing about tearing up the _bed_."

* * *

><p>Author's note: The sentence quoted in this chapter is from Laura Esquivel's novel, Like Water for Chocolate.<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

_This guy is something else,_ Sakura thought.

It wasn't the first time in the last twenty-four hours that this thought occurred to her. It wouldn't be the last either, she suspected.

Putting aside all that happened between them and all her romantic feelings and even the mind-boggling realization that in the last five weeks or so she had been working in the lab alongside a living, breathing sex god and never even _noticed_ until now, she was still astonished by the things he did naturally and without a question - and how he got away with them. The bloody cheek.

Right now they were lying on the floor, her duvet and a blanket and all her pillows under them and he was nuzzling her neck.

He just pulled down the blanket and rolled her over it without asking, then used his _shadows_ to grab the pillows and now they were camping out on the floor. Any other time, with anyone else she would have pointed out how the floor was, by its very nature, unclean and unfit to lie on, unless it was an emergency, and how she had a perfectly good couch in the other room, and how all her pillows would get dirty... and she didn't. Say. One. Word.

Because Shikamaru was lying next to her and there was a look of total bliss on his face and if he wanted to lie on her floor she would do the same as long as he didn't stop touching her.

The world looked different from here. She could see a book behind a chair where it had fallen, unseen, and all their clothes in artistic little heaps around them, and...

"Uh-oh."

The window was open.

_All _the windows were open.

"What?" Shikamaru asked lazily, raising his head for a moment.

"The windows are open."

Shikamaru shrugged.

"Big deal. Now they know that you've got a new boyfriend."

Of course. She'd been screaming his name at the top of her voice.

She waited for the usual feeling of almost painful embarrassment, the blush, the bleak feeling of being ashamed that could only be pushed back by repeating to herself a thousand times that she was a grown-up woman and she had a right to have sex with her boyfriend whenever she wanted to.

Instead she felt a ridiculous little warm feeling in her belly. She was proud, proud of herself, proud of her man, like it was a stupid test that she passed with flying colours. She wanted to stand up and run to the window stark naked and shout at the top of her voice, "Did you hear that, Konoha? Did you? That was me!"

_Tsunade would have me certified_, she thought and snorted with amusement.

"What's so funny?"

She looked at him. It was impossible for her to be ashamed because he wasn't. Not a bit. He was lying on her floor as if it were perfectly natural and reasonable, the only place where he wanted to be. Locks of his hair were falling into his face, he was sticky with sweat and he was as far from a male model as possible. There was nothing glossy or artificial about him. He had a lovely body, yes, but it was full of scars and he was much thinner than he should have been.

It wasn't the first time that she noticed this but until now she always had something else on her mind.

_He has practically no body fat. His muscles are like ropes under his skin. He looks good nevertheless, he's very sexy, but when we were in Tea he wasn't this thin. After that... I don't know. It's hard to see under that jounin outfit he usually wears. I never saw him in ANBU gear. Did he lose weight? Or is it because ANBU are always overworked? But that was weeks ago. It's easy to put on weight when you work in a lab, behind a desk. I had to cut back on the chocolate cookies three weeks ago because my shorts were starting to get a bit too tight. _

"Have you eaten properly in the last few months?" she asked worriedly. "You are very thin."

He raised an eyebrow and didn't answer.

She felt her stomach lurch and her skin get cold and an awful feeling of foreboding rose in her.

"Are you ill?" she asked in a tiny voice.

_God, please, no. Please don't. I'll do anything. I'll give my life in exchange for his if need be. I'm the best medic nin in the village, I'm better than Tsunade. There has to be something I can do, even if he's ill. Please God. Not something incurable like cancer. Not him. Not him._

Shikamaru sat up.

"What's wrong, Sakura? You went pale as a sheet in a second. Are you all right?"

She couldn't answer, she just repeated, 'are-you-ill,' like a little machine, a talking music box with a tin voice.

He must have understood her more than she realized because he pulled her in his arms and held her tight and in a very rational voice said, "I'm completely healthy, Sakura. Absolutely healthy. I had three check-ups in just as many weeks as part of the process of transferring from ANBU back to the regular roster. What did you think?"

He looked in her eyes and shook his head, slowly.

"You little drama queen, you," he said. "Nothing has an everyday, normal explanation. You live in a melodrama, everything is a tragedy waiting to happen."

She clung to him, trying to touch him everywhere, feeling his strength, his warmth, the life throbbing under his skin. He was here and he was all right and she never, never in this life would ask God for anything else, she would be so good and so kind and she would work so hard to make everyone else happy...

She looked up and said, her eyes full of tears, "I love you so much," as if that explained everything.

"Since when?" Shikamaru asked in a serious voice.

"I don't know," Sakura said. She wiped her eyes on the back of her hands. It was an interesting question. She didn't even recognize at first what she felt or she wouldn't have needed to go through all her romances looking for a half-forgotten sentence. Her living room was still a mess, she would have to clear that up.

Mess. Room. Window.

Shikamaru jumping through the window, a flash, a roll.

"What did you expect when you jumped in the window?"

Shikamaru answered at once.

"Enemy. I could sense your chakra so you were in there and alive but you could have been hurt or wounded."

"But you just came in ready to attack without being aware of the circumstances. There could have been more than one attacker, masking their chakra signatures. There could have been a trap. What if they were stronger than you? Wouldn't it have been more logical to get help?" Sakura asked, wondering.

Shikamaru just looked at her and Sakura knew in that moment that if he'd been certain that he would find in that room the whole Akatsuki team complete with Orochimaru come back from the dead, Shikamaru would have come through that window anyway to fight them without a second's hesitation.

_He would give his life for me – no doubts, no hesitation. _

"So there," Sakura said triumphantly. "Who's waiting for tragedy?"

Shikamaru snorted.

"You're Naruto's teammate," he said. "You have an innate ability to be a trouble magnet."

"I do _not_."

"I, on the other hand..."

"...are painfully thin and I'm going to do a check-up on you _myself_ and I'm cooking you dinner tomorrow with lots of nourishing dishes."

They sat on the floor glaring at each other till the corners of Shikamaru's mouth started twitching and then Sakura looked away so as not to betray that she was trying to suppress a smile.

Shikamaru was the first to laugh. "God, we're completely crazy."

"Yes," Sakura agreed. She pointed a finger at Shikamaru. "You scared me. It's not your fault but you still did and you owe me. I want you to tell me all those things that we talked about before."

"You haven't told me since when..." Shikamaru started, but Sakura glared at him. "And I'm not going to. It's your turn."

Shikamaru looked away. There were two bright red spots glowing on his cheeks.

"What a drag," he murmured.

"I want my story," Sakura said in a dangerous voice.

"This isn't a fairytale, Sakura."

"Yes, yes it is. Except that I already know the end. The heroine got her prince."

"That's me?" Shikamaru asked.

"Yes, that's you. Don't be daft. Now I want to know what happened until then."

Shikamaru fidgeted.

"So where should I begin?"

"I think we should stick to the timeline and go back to Tea. That's where we left off... before..."

Sakura's voice slowly faded to nothing.

"Before we found your bedroom. And your bed," Shikamaru said, licking his lips. "I wonder how is it even possible that you can concentrate your healing chakra into your sweet little..."

Sakura quickly put her hand on his mouth to silence him and growled.

"Back to the story."

Shikamaru scratched his neck sheepishly. The gesture was pure Kakashi after being late for the umpteenth time in a row, just before Sakura cracked her knuckles.

_It seems that being a pervert is not the only thing that he picked up from Kakashi, _Sakura thought._ I will have to pay more attention to this in the future. Was Kakashi Shikamaru's sponsor or mentor or whatever in ANBU? Kakashi left ANBU when we became his team, yes, but sometimes ex-ANBUs are pulled back in as consultants. Did he have his finger in this particular pie, too?_

She put these thoughts aside as useless. There was no way that either of them would tell her something like that. ANBU worked strictly on need-to-know basis. Anyway, she was more interested in the private life and thoughts of Shikamaru Nara.

Getting him to talk about all that would be hard work, she had no doubts. For men, talking about sex wasn't taboo.

Emotions, on the other hand...

Shikamaru was still gathering his thoughts.

"Ok, ok. So..."

"Did you want to ask me out when we came back from Tea?" Sakura asked for a starter. She was getting impatient.

"Yes," Shikamaru said.

"Then why didn't you?"

Shikamaru's face turned serious.

"I'm willing to tell you everything you want to know but you might not like the answers," he said quietly.

"I hate to be left in the dark," Sakura said just as softly. "Anything's better than that."

Shikamaru sighed.

"Ok. Well, you have to know that by then Temari and I had what is generally described as an on-and-off relationship."

Sakura nodded. Ino didn't exactly gossip about Shikamaru, but she did let a few snippets of information drop from time to time.

"Before we left for Tea, she spent a few days in Konoha. Things ended in a pretty big row and a sort of breakup. Not for the first time, I might add. She said I was a bastard, that she wished she had never met me, that she'd never set foot in Konoha again and if I ever decided to go to Sand I would end up in a sand coffin, courtesy of Gaara, and so on," Shikamaru said.

"My God," Sakura murmured.

"Oh, that was just a normal kind of goodbye – 'see you, and next time I'm here, don't come home late, not even if it's a tactical briefing with your team leader.' The thing is, I was free at that point, but I knew that it was temporary. I could ask you out, yes, but then I would have to decide pretty fast what course I wanted to take, because you and me and Temari together was an explosive combination," Shikamaru said. "I knew that you and I would get on well and there was a possibility that I would fall for you hard. At the same time, Temari and I weren't finished. Not yet. So either way I would have had to take a great risk. Either I would have had to break up with her for good in a hurry, but I had no idea how she would take that or whether she would accept it at all. Or I would have had to tell you after a few dates that sorry, I thought we could be good together but unfortunately I had previous obligations. So either way I was looking forward to a situation where things could get pretty ugly pretty fast, and I knew who would suffer most if anything went wrong."

_Me,_ Sakura thought. _But why?_

It was as if Shikamaru heard her thoughts. He looked at her when he answered her unsaid question.

"Because I know you, Sakura. You already cared about me as a friend and if we started to date, there was a high chance that we would both go in the deep end, and in that case you were bound to get hurt if things didn't work out well. You are very vulnerable emotionally, I knew that even then. Also, it would have been a classic love triangle. There would have been gossip in the village. In that situation I would have had all the perks – two girls competing for me, both of them skilled kunoichi, both of them very pretty, clever, popular. A complete ego boost. I would not have been judged very harshly by others, either. Men are like that, after all. All the male shinobi would have given me a smile and a wink. Half the girls would have looked at me with thinly veiled interest. Of course, things would not have looked that good for Temari, but Konoha isn't her home. Any time the situation got out of hand, she could just trash my flat and curse me and go home to Sand. The only one who could have gotten really bruised if something went wrong would have been you."

Shikamaru sighed.

"I didn't want to take that chance," he said. "Gaara and Kankuro would have wanted to tear me into very small pieces if I hurt Temari but that was a given. But I didn't want to get into a situation where Naruto and Kakashi in complete agreement with each other would proceed to break all my limbs – and I would know I deserved it."

He shrugged.

"Don't misunderstand me. The decision didn't give me any sleepless nights. We flirted a little, you were cute, I had a few fantasies that I could remember fondly whenever I wanted to, and that was all. I decided to wait. You seemed to like me, but you didn't seem very keen on dating me or anything. So I thought, no foul, no harm."

Sakura nodded. She could understand the situation when explained like this. She could even respect Shikamaru for analysing the situation and trying to do the right thing instead of rushing into it headlong.

"Soon after that I got landed in ANBU unexpectedly," Shikamaru went on. "Like I told you. I had other things on my mind. I had to re-learn even the basics of my life – what I would eat, where I would sleep, how I would find the time to be by myself so as not to go mad. I saw you sometimes, mostly with Ino, but..."

"You were busy," Sakura said. "I understand."

"Yes. But then a few months after I got into ANBU, my relationship with Temari seemed to have lost its meaning. We could rarely meet and even then we were like strangers. We decided to break it off for a while. We were both free to see others. That was what she wanted. I was sorry but at the same time I was relieved."

_I was dating Lee by then - that was an on-and-off thing, too,_ Sakura thought. They'd dated for a while, years ago, then they both decided to concentrate on work, then they got together again after a long and dangerous mission.

_That was after Tea,_ Sakura thought. _I realized that Lee still wanted to date me, that he still loved me, and that there was nobody else..._

"So what happened then?" she asked, curious. The tale was unfolding, she was behind the scenes and she had a free pass to go to places where others didn't.

"That was when I met Aoi," Shikamaru answered quietly. "You were with Lee, Ino and Chouji were slowly starting to get closer and not as friends, and I was free. I dated a few girls, but nothing serious. Most of my time was taken up by missions. Aoi was the daughter of one of my father's business associates. Her clan weren't shinobi, but they had money. I could see that she was interested in me. We went out a few times. It was very clear that this was... a possibility, so to speak. I started thinking about marriage and children and stuff like that. Just like I told you – I always knew that sooner or later I would have to get married, start a family. This was something I never had to think about, just like knowing since I was a toddler that I was destined to be a shinobi. I could choose to be something else, live in a different way, but I would have needed very serious reasons to do so. I didn't mind. I started to like the idea of getting married, to have something to look forward to. I hate to do anything in a haste. With Aoi I could take things as slowly as I wanted to. Plus, being with Temari was interesting and wonderful and fascinating and exciting, but toward the end I often thought that I could do with a bit less excitement and drama and a bit more of understanding. Aoi seemed to be perfect wife material. Do you remember her?"

"She was pretty," Sakura said vaguely. She met her once or twice but she couldn't remember her very well. This was the time when her own drama with Lee started to unfold and then finished with a break-up, so she had her reasons.

On the other hand – she had never thought about it, but if it had been Chouji or Kiba or Shino who dated Aoi, maybe she wouldn't have felt that jealous of her.

Oh hell. She remembered how Aoi always held on to Shikamaru's arm, dainty and smiling, a petite girl in beautiful clothes. She was a civilian and she seemed very proud that a shinobi of Shikamaru's calibre was dating her. She fluttered around him like a butterfly around a candle, and Shikamaru watched her with a forgiving smile.

Sakura admitted to herself that her smile went sour whenever she looked at them. At the time she thought that it was because of Lee.

"Yes, she was," Shikamaru said. "Pretty and silent and smiling and understanding. That's what I thought, at least."

"Then what went wrong?"

Shikamaru shook his head. "Nothing _went_ wrong as such. What was wrong, was wrong from the beginning, only it took time for me to realize that."

Sakura watched him with narrowed eyes. He didn't seem unhappy or embarrassed once he started to talk. It was always like that, Sakura thought, even when they were children. You could get Shikamaru to answer but you had to be persistent. Not pushy, not obtrusive, but seriously interested in whatever he had to say. Shikamaru hated it when he took the time to answer a question and the person who asked it didn't listen. He considered that a waste of time.

One of the reasons why she always got on well with Shikamaru was that she liked to do things on her own and without help, but when she realized that breaking through Shikamaru's wall always resulted in getting not just an answer but the _right_ answer, she started to turn to him if she wanted to be really sure in something. After a time he lost some of his wariness, maybe because she was generally shy around people and with Shikamaru she didn't feel the need to pretend otherwise. He wasn't a typical social butterfly either. She could talk to him and Shikamaru never mocked her or ridiculed her if she said something stupid. It was an easy agreement between them that never had to be put in actual words – if she went to him for help, she got it, but she only asked for help when she absolutely needed to.

"There were all those small things," Shikamaru said, thinking. "I couldn't really get her to state her opinion openly about anything. It was always altered to what she thought would be my point of view. I couldn't get to know her. She was hiding. She was a very reticent, reclusive personality."

_A dose of your own medicine,_ Sakura thought with a smile.

"There were some other things that I noticed," Shikamaru said with a frown. "First of all, she was almost a child yet. I was used to being around kunoichi all the time and they are much more mature. I hardly know any civilian girls. I was surprised how immature and childish she was in a lot of things. And the other thing is, she idolized shinobi in general, but she hated most kunoichi. She hated Ino with a vengeance, I know that, and she didn't like my mother at all."

"Why?" Sakura interrupted. "You mother is really cool."

"Is she?" Shikamaru asked with raised eyebrows.

"Of course she is," Sakura said without hesitation. "She knows a lot about poisons and antidotes. Shizune told me once that if I wanted to know more about sleeping potions I should ask your mom. So I went and visited her and asked her a few questions. She was very sweet. She invited me to have tea with her and gave me her mango chutney recipe."

"Mango chutney?" Shikamaru repeated with a frown.

"Yes, mango chutney. The one that goes with the sweet-and-sour fish."

"When was this, Sakura?" Shikamaru asked. "When did this happen?"

"Two months ago?" Sakura said, unsure. "Or three months? I don't quite remember. You were still with ANBU."

"Hell," Shikamaru said with feeling. "Hell, hell, hell."

"What's wrong?" Sakura asked worriedly. "You sound like me on a day when Naruto is seriously in need of a dose of downers."

"Nothing's wrong. Except my mom has this way of uttering cryptic words of advice out of the blue whenever she feels like it. And I remember her saying exactly two months, three weeks and one day ago something that went like 'I know more of what you don't want me to know than you'll ever understand, what's more, I know things that even you don't know although you should, and a lot more things that I always knew but you never will,' see?"

"And you think she meant me? As one of these things?" Sakura asked.

Shikamaru sighed.

"If you'd like to take a wild guess at who's the person who likes sweet-and-sour fish made with mango chutney?"

Sakura looked at him with wide eyes.

"But that's not your favourite dish," she said. "That's grilled mackerel."

"How do you know?" Shikamaru asked. "We never talked about that. No, don't tell me. My mother told you."

They looked at each other, baffled.

"I don't understand," Sakura said. "I was dating Sasuke then."

Shikamaru shrugged.

"The mysterious ways of mothers. By the way, how will your parents react to the news that you're dating me?"

"They like you," Sakura said without thinking.

"How so?" Shikamaru asked, surprised. "The last time I visited you at your parents' house must have been when you were... twelve? Thirteen?"

"You were always nice to me," Sakura said. "And ever since we were on that mission where we had to find those stones..."

"The stones of Gelel, yes. What about them?"

"It's not about the stones. I told my parents how you looked out for me and Naruto..."

"I was your team captain. It was my duty," Shikamaru said.

Sakura leaned to him and kissed him. "All I'm saying is that ever since then they liked you. My father thinks you're okay."

"Good," Shikamaru said. "I really would have hated to get on their bad side."

"Have no fear of that. But let's get back to Aoi. So she didn't like your mom, more's the pity."

"Yes. I started to have doubts about the whole thing. I mean, I started asking myself what I really knew about her – her tastes, her temperament, her way of thinking. The answer was, I knew precious little. I wanted to know her better, yes – but then I realized that maybe I already knew everything there was to know about her. She had no opinions, no views, no habits, no nothing. A clean slate. I could write whatever I wanted on it, or that was my first impression. I didn't like it. But the other possiblity was that she _did _have some well-defined opinions and very clear ideas about her life and my place in it – she just hid it well behind all that smiling bashful girlish behaviour. I liked that idea even less, so I started watching her and then... I started... well, orchestrating things around her."

"You laid traps," Sakura said disapprovingly.

"I'd rather call it baiting but it's true. My only excuse is that if I married her and it turned out to be a bad marriage, both of us would have suffered."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing special. Small things. I wanted to meet her friends and talk to them. I invited her to places that were out of her comfort zone. I asked her opinion about things in such a way that she had to answer truthfully. But she was very good at maneuvering around me. I liked the situation less and less. It wasn't a game – or to her it might have been, but I had a lot at stake. I wanted someone I could trust blindly and I could see that slipping away. The funny thing was, I never lied to her but I never opened up either and still she could play me."

Sakura thought of Aoi with admiration. To put one of the best strategists in Konoha in such a position! But of course, female logic was different.

_I would have seen through her in a second. I bet Ino did, that's why Aoi hated her._

"What happened then?" she asked.

Shikamaru laughed, a short, bitter laugh.

"We could have played this endlessly," he said, his voice colourless. "My ANBU duties took up more and more time if that was even possible. I had tons of missions. We scarcely met. I was... for several reasons I was..."

He sighed.

"I don't know how to put this. The fact is, at the time I was willing to put up with a less-than-average relationship. I knew I wasn't in love with her and I didn't care. I loved Temari very much and it was a disaster in more than one way, so now I thought I would opt for a pleasant, easy life. I decided that we would go on dating for a while and when I quit ANBU, I would marry Aoi. I would have a family and my mother would have lots of grandkids and I would have a perfect wife. Oh boy."

He looked at Sakura and his face was full of misery.

"I never told this to anyone," he said.

Sakura wanted to open her mouth to say that if it hurt him so much, he didn't have to, but he shook his head.

"I want to tell you," he said. "I don't want to keep secrets from you. Not anymore. Anyway, it's part of the story. So, with all my high IQ and supposedly big tactical experience I couldn't get her to tell me what she thought about me and my ideas. Then one day I saw her sitting in front of a drink booth with a girlfriend, drinking tea. I had just returned from a mission and I was still in ANBU gear and, well, I wasn't the spitting image of an elite warrior. You know. I didn't want her to see me."

Sakura nodded. When people came back from a mission, they were usually dirty, their clothes torn, covered in mud and lots of other substances they usually didn't care to name in a hurry. Obviously not the way you wanted to appear in front of your beloved, not to mention that ANBU, when in uniform, usually preferred to come and go unseen. What was the point of meeting your friends if you couldn't take off your mask? What was the point of _wearing_ a mask if people you knew well but who weren't part of your squad could identify you? It could only mean trouble.

"I just wanted to take a look at her, maybe come back later and surprise her. Well, the surprise was all mine."

He made a sad little grimace.

"To put it short, I overheard them talking purely by accident. They were talking about me. She told her friend that I was the most boring guy she ever had the luck to meet. She was only encouraging me because my family was prestigious and her father wanted a closer relationship with my clan and I was a good plan B if nobody better came along. A girl has to look out for herself, she said, and she didn't intend to work. Being a housewife was fuss enough, but thankfully I wasn't very picky. 'He's too lazy to be interested,' she said and she and her friend both laughed."

Sakura was fuming but she didn't say a word.

"She said a few things about Ino, too, but what really made me angry was the things she said about my family. I don't want to repeat those. Then she went on and gave a short analysis of my character and abilities. The mildest remark was that she couldn't understand why her dad was so keen on this marriage, she had no real intent to marry a gamekeeper who shoveled manure all day when he wasn't pretending to do oh-so-secret missions. That was one of the problems with her – she wanted me to tell stories about my missions and I just couldn't. It was..."

"...all classified information," Sakura finished his sentence. "I know what ANBU is, Shikamaru."

Shikamaru looked at her, waiting.

"What?" Sakura enquired.

"So, what do you think?" Shikamaru asked.

Sakura's temper never needed a good, hard prod to get the better of her but now even these few words were enough to push her over the edge.

"That conniving, two-timing, simpering little bitch! Did she say anything about your mom? Did she?" she hissed.

Shikamaru didn't say anything, didn't even move, but Sakura didn't need his answer to know the truth.

"If I ever see that bitch again, I'll stick her on the end of a broomstick and wipe the hospital floors with her from top to bottom! That's the only thing that she would ever be good for!" she said. Her hands curled into fists. "I'll take her to pieces and put her back together, only I'll put in her head the brains of a hamster and everyone will say 'oh, she's changed _all _for the better!' I'll kick her ass until it swells double, not that it wasn't fat as it was!"

Shikamaru smiled. It was a sad little smile but better than nothing, Sakura thought.

"Looks like Ino and you have more in common than I realized," he said. "When I told her that Aoi and I broke up, she just looked at me, didn't even need an explanation, she just launched into a big monologue of how she never understood why some men took the pain to collect all kinds of VD from different women when they could get them all in one neat package from pathetic little whores like Aoi, and it was a good thing that I got rid of her before she could give me all she had."

Sakura laughed against herself.

"I don't know if that's true, I know nothing about Aoi," she said. "But I know that Ino doesn't take it kindly if someone hurts her teammates. Aoi had better watch out."

"She doesn't live in Konoha anymore," Shikamaru said. "She married a paper-pusher in the daimyo's court soon after our break-up."

"Good," Sakura said with satisfaction. "That will teach her. A petty life for a petty mind."

"It can't be that bad," Shikamaru said.

"Not for her," Sakura said. "I'd be bored crazy there. The only amusement in court is all the officials back-stabbing each other for promotion – I only know that because Tsunade sent me there last year with a diplomatic message. Boy, it was a sight. I thought I knew everything about betrayal and false smiles that I ever wanted to know, but that was a whole different level. I don't think Aoi is clever enough for that. She's a little viper, but she'll realize soon that even vipers are just meat and bones for some predators. Good luck to her and good riddance for you."

Shikamaru smiled again and this smile was real.

"So you don't think that I... that I was stupid to... to take her so seriously? To want to marry her?" he asked.

"The way I see it," Sakura said, thinking, "is that you fell for her trap but you didn't fall for _her._ You said you were never in love with her."

"That's true."

"Anyway, just like you said this morning, we don't decide whom we fall in love with. It's fate, just like you said. What's more, as much as I can see, Aoi had done pretty much everything in her power to seem a sweet, innocent little girl, a damsel in distress, and like all decent men, you have this weakness for girls like that," Sakura said. "Your heart softened when you looked at her but for some reason you didn't fall for her. Maybe if you did, she would have been kinder to you," she added.

"I don't have a weakness for damsels in distress," Shikamaru said curtly.

Sakura laughed.

"I remember when those guys from Sound laid out Naruto and Sasuke at the first chuunin exam in the Forest of Death," she said. "I wanted to protect them at all costs but I probably would have been seriously wounded or killed, had not first Lee, then Team Ten suddenly appeared and kicked their asses. Now, I also seem to remember that later I thanked Ino and told her how brave she was and what a great friend to risk her life for me, and she said it was you who..."

"I know what she said," Shikamaru said stiffly. "It was nothing like that. You were a Konoha shinobi just like we were and a race, even if it's part of an exam, is less important than one of our friends dying. Anyway, I can't imagine what kind of shinobi we would have turned out to be if we just sat there and watched them kill you, too scared to move."

Sakura watched him and tried not to show how amusing she found his behaviour. "You're such a sweet guy," she said.

"Whatever," Shikamaru said and turned his head away from Sakura, indicating clearly that, as far as he was concerned, this topic was finished.

_There is something that he said,_ Sakura thought. _Something that isn't quite... Wait. Did he say _one_ of our friends?_

She knew that if she asked him, Shikamaru would say something about Naruto being in a pretty bad shape then or something like that... but Sakura was sure that he meant something else.

_It was because of me. Ino decided to get into the fight and her team followed her, but Shikamaru prodded her to do so, and not for the sake of Naruto or Sasuke or Lee, but for me. _

Sakura didn't think that Shikamaru was in love with her. No. Not then. But he couldn't just watch a girl get beaten and hurt.

_Stupid, chivalrous, old-fashioned, male-chauvinist ass. But his judgment was accurate. As always. There was no way I could have won against those Sound nin. No way in hell. _

"You're digressing," Sakura said.

"It wasn't me who brought up these prehistoric memories," Shikamaru pointed out.

"Fine," Sakura said.

Shikamaru turned his head back and looked at Sakura. Sakura looked back. Shikamaru's eyes were so strange, so different from the way they usually looked. On the battlefield his eyes were usually scrunched, his irises black beads. Now they were wider, lighter, and showed so much of his personality, of his feelings.

_It's because he trusts me,_ Sakura thought. _He doesn't mind showing me his true face, what he really is. _

"Ok, let's finish this part of the story," she said. "I know why things didn't work out with Aoi, and I'm glad that it happened that way."

"My feelings exactly."

"But you said _she _broke up with you," Sakura said, thinking aloud.

Shikamaru nodded.

"That was one of my small victories. I didn't want to confront her that I heard them talking about me, and I wasn't going to break up with her without a good reason and make it possible for her to play the broken-hearted lover."

"So what did you do?"

Shikamaru laughed. "I embodied the role that she set out for me. I became the most boring person in the world I could imagine. It gave me a lot of pleasure to play-act. I launched into long speeches on anything, lengthy, dry, politically correct speeches. I took her to places where I ordered things that I knew she hated, as if I couldn't remember what she liked."

"Petty vengeance," Sakura murmured. "I never thought you had it in you."

"I never thought I had it in me, either," Shikamaru said.

Petty vengeance was a special term for Ino's team. Throughout the years they all had ample chances to watch Ino as she made people's life hell if she thought they deserved it. These people were mostly ex-boyfriends. As Ino explained once, petty vengeance in its perfection was winning a free, all-expenses-paid vacation to a place which your ex-boyfriend wanted to visit all his life, and taking a friend with you that he always hated, and _then,_ after you came home and showed everyone the photos, explaining how you already had a trip to this same place planned and _already_ paid for as a surprise to your boyfriend _just before_ he broke up with you, isn't life _strange? Poor _boy, of course you wish him all the happiness in the world, but it wouldn't have been such fun with him, he was so _boring, _but it wasn't quite his fault, with a _family _like his...

"I thought I had enough of drama when Lee and I broke up," Sakura said. "When Sasuke cheated on me, after the first bout of surprise and hurt passed, I just felt tired. But this... Wow."

Shikamaru shrugged. "I was angry," he said. "I never wanted to hurt her seriously, but since she never appreciated when I tried my best, I thought now I would show her my worst."

"And then?"

"After a time I got bored, and simply had less and less time for her, and she got the message and we broke up. I didn't care. At the time I already had other things on my mind. That was when... when I got placed in the seduction squad."

They were both silent. Sakura hugged him close, to make him understand that she was there and she would always be there, no matter what. He hugged her back and started to speak again, slowly at first, then faster and faster, his words hurried, strained, tumbling over each other, pain and desperation forcing him to get it all out before he had time to think, to edit and re-structure and change what he wanted to say.

"One day Ibiki wanted to talk to me. That's when he told me he would put me in the seduction squad, and he said, 'I don't want another young hero who can't keep it in his pants and wants to play the spy game. I want someone who _thinks,_ Nara. Actually, it is simple enough. You make them love you. You make them tell you all their secrets. Then you betray them and kill them.' The thing he didn't say because it would have seemed mockery later was that it gets easier."

He looked away and Sakura felt that even though he was sitting next to her on the floor, he was far away in his thoughts.

"They actually went easy on me," he said. "I didn't get same-sex missions, because I'm not inclined that way, and Ibiki-san said he had enough people for things like that. And the other thing was, at first I never got missions where I would have had to decide. It was simple. Somebody else decided for me what had to be done, if someone had to be eliminated or brought in for interrogation or anything."

_Eliminated. Read killed, wiped out, eradicated, destroyed. Without a question, without feelings, without appeal._

"I was only the knife. The hand that held the knife was somewhere above me in the chain of decision-making. I had no responsibility. Then, after a time, I got more difficult missions. Find out if this person is planning a coup d'état. Find out if this family really paid someone to get rid of a business rival. Find out if this village is part of the drug-smuggling route and if anyone's involved. Find out. Retrieve information. Plot. Plan. If the information all points in one direction... eliminate. But first _decide._ Decide if you're right. Decide if they are really guilty. Decide if there is a way to do it without spilling blood, but if there isn't, _kill._ Not on the battlefield. Not openly. In secret. In the dark. In cold blood."

He looked at Sakura and his eyes were hard, unrelenting. Sakura nodded. She knew all this. But, of course, it was different to know something in theory or to do it in practice.

She always knew that there would be a moment on the battlefield when she would have to kill or be killed.

The first time she aimed to kill and not to hurt or wound or _stop_ and she succeeded, she went straight home once they were back in Konoha and spent the next two days behind closed doors. She wasn't sad and she wasn't really upset, except that she couldn't talk. She couldn't say a word. Not one word.

She cut the other shinobi's throat without thinking, without remorse, and then spent two days in silence. She knew that being shinobi meant that one killed without remorse if one had to.

That was in theory.

Reality was something else - walking around in her rooms and touching her own throat again and again and all the time remembering the other shinobi's face.

Shikamaru had to walk the same path, except it was a rockier one.

"What I told you until now is common knowledge," Shikamaru said. "This is where it gets... personal."

Sakura nodded again.

"I slowly started to adapt," Shikamaru said. "Shinobi are raised to do their jobs in any given situation and adapt to circumstances. However, there were some side effects I was concerned about."

_How strange, _Sakura thought. _The way he speaks about himself is so detached, so clinical. So cold. They really killed something important in him – or maybe he killed it in himself in order to survive._

It was a painful thought and for a second Sakura was filled with fury on Shikamaru's behalf. She remembered his laugh when they were children and how he and Chouji used to jump through the window with surprising speed and disappear from class while Iruka sensei was shouting himself hoarse. She remembered the cloud-watching, smiling child, the "number one lazy ninja", and her eyes filled with burning tears. Where did that child disappear?

"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to," she interrupted. "I love you all the same. You don't have to tell me anything. Just... just promise me you'll let me love you."

Shikamaru watched her, his face inscrutable.

Sakura was sure he didn't understand.

"It hurts you to talk about this," she tried to explain. "I can feel it and I... I just don't want you to hurt. I don't want to see you unhappy. I don't mind if you don't tell me anything. I mind it a lot less than hurting you."

Shikamaru opened his arms and pulled her to him.

"You'd give up anything for my sake, wouldn't you," he murmured. "You never stop halfway, do you? If I told you I wanted you to give up being a kunoichi, you would do that, too."

Did he want her to do that? To give up being a shinobi?

"Could I still work as a doctor?" she asked. Her heart was filled with sadness. Sasuke mentioned several times how if he got married he'd want a full-time wife and mother for his family, like his mother used to be. He never understood why she loved working in the hospital. "It's full of sick and broken people," he used to say.

Sakura found it very hard sometimes not to point out that yes, a hospital by definition is a place exactly like that.

It seemed that all men were the same, thought the same.

"Those bloody fools!" Shikamaru said, his voice strong enough to be just short of shouting. He looked at Sakura, his eyes full of anger. "I don't want you to give up anything. Do you understand me, Sakura? Anything! For my sake, for anyone else's sake! Go as far as you want, do whatever you want to! Get your wings and fly, straight to the sky, if you want to, and as God sees my soul, I'll help you with all I've got and give you all I have! I love you! I told you I did, I distinctly remember that, and that means I'll never hold you back, never in this fucking life!"

Sakura swallowed.

"You'll let me go on working as a doctor?" she said.

"You don't need my permission, Sakura," Shikamaru said. "But yes, I want you to go on doing all the things you've been doing even when we start a family. I'd be grateful if you told me in advance if you intend to do undercover missions as those usually take months and I wouldn't like to chew all my nails to ragged bits and worry myself to death, so I would try to help with the tactical plans if need be, but otherwise..."

Sakura put her arms around his neck and Shikamaru hugged her, grumbling under his breath.

"And I want to tell you all," he said. "I never told these things to anyone because I didn't want to but I want to come clean with you, can you understand that? It's just... it took me a lot of courage to gear myself up to it. These aren't pleasant memories."

Sakura's brain was still processing what he said.

"Wait, wait. Start a family?"

"You don't want to?" Shikamaru asked back.

"Of course I want to, I just don't understand... I mean I wouldn't mind, Kurenai-sensei is managing all right, I could do the same..."

Now it was Shikamaru's turn to interrupt.

"Would you mind telling me what you're talking about? What has Kurenai got do with anything? I'll always help her, I promised Asuma, you don't mind that... or do you?"

"Of course not!" Sakura said, enraged. "What do you take me for? I just said that living like that would be all right for me, too... as long as you're there with us."

They were both watching the other, trying to figure out what the other was trying to say.

Shikamaru was the first to speak.

"Tell me if I get it wrong, but basically you're telling me that you would be willing to have my baby out of wedlock. Is that right?"

Sakura forced herself to speak without stuttering. "I'm sorry if I misunderstood," she said. "I thought that was what you were offering. I know that your parents wouldn't let you marry me and I thought..."

Shikamaru shook his head, his expression incredulous.

"Sakura," he said kindly. "You know very little about my close family and almost nothing about my clan, but you should know me better."

He put a finger on her mouth.

"Hush. Before you put your foot in your mouth again and start to chew, just let me say one thing. Don't-worry-about-that. Got it? My family, my problem. Just as a footnote I'd like to add that one, I know my family more than you do, two, they will adore you just like I adore you, three, my mom thinks the world of you and four, she would cuff me on the head if I ever dared suggest something like that to any girl."

He took away his finger from Sakura's lips and when she started to speak, he said, "No. You stop fretting right now. All this feminism stuff that Ino and Tsunade poured into your head is making you forget that men are usually good for other things beside carrying heavy objects around. I'll deal with all this. But I just don't understand how a strong kunoichi like you could be such a sweet, timid girl inside. The gist is, I'll never understand women, period."

Sakura opened her mouth again but when Shikamaru looked at her and shook his head, she only said, "I don't understand you, either."

"Then it's a fair deal," Shikamaru said happily. "I can see that being with you will be nothing short of a rollercoaster ride, each day, every day, and I do so love a peaceful life, but at least I won't be alone in my misery."

Sakura couldn't help but laugh.

Shikamaru still had something to say.

"And you don't have to worry about what you told me on the meadow, either," he said more gently. "The Kuramas won't bother you or anyone else again, I assure you."

Sakura's hands went cold.

"How do you know? Tell me!" she demanded. "I hid the letter in..."

She bit her tongue so as not to say more.

"In where?" Shikamaru asked in a dulcet tone.

Sakura eyed him warily and didn't say a word.

"Never mind, I'll figure it out," Shikamaru said.

"You don't have to," Sakura said. "I'll give you the letter."

Shikamaru looked at her, interested.

"What, no long speeches on your rights to privacy and your capability of handling things in general? Surprising, to say the least."

Sakura shrugged. "What would that be good for? I asked for your help. There would be no point in withholding information. It's not only about me, you know."

"Why did you hide the letter at all?" Shikamaru asked quietly.

"You know how overprotective my team is," Sakura said with a sigh. "And Naruto has no sense of privacy. In fact, I doubt he knows the meaning of the word."

"And that's not the only word," Shikamaru murmured. "By the way, is there a reason why I'm still alive? I mean, I thought by now they would be swarming like bees over your place and demanding to know if my intentions are entirely honourable."

"Soon," Sakura assured him. "It's just they usually go training together on Saturdays, too, and ever since Sasuke and I broke up, he's trying to make himself scarce at my place, so they don't spend all their free hours here. But don't worry, I'm pretty sure that Naruto or Kakashi will drop in sooner or later and you'll get your well-deserved beating for seducing me without their preliminary permission in writing."

Shikamaru nodded. "Good to know."

"Tell me how you knew it was the Kurama clan," Sakura said.

"It took me the biggest part of the afternoon to figure it out," Shikamaru said. "Then I remembered that Kakashi once told me that originally you were a genjutsu type. The other thing is, the Kuramas used to be a prominent clan and they still have a certain influence in the council and in the daimyo's court, but they gradually lost their power because the number of clan members dwindled. In some clans marrying within the clan is encouraged to maximize the recurrence of bloodline limit, but in my opinion that's a big mistake. The Kurama clan is a good example. Creating this type of genjutsu is a serious strain on the body and the most talented genjutsu users are usually frail, so their children are often sickly, too. Anyway, make it a rule that clan members should marry their first cousins for a hundred years or so and then you can present each newborn kid with a new padded cell to live in."

"Like Yakumo," Sakura said, frowning.

"Like Yakumo," Shikamaru agreed. "What happened to her, anyway?"

"She's feeling better now," Sakura said. "She's stabile enough to lead a normal life, but she'll never be shinobi. And she'll never..."

She looked away. "I can't share that information with you. It's confidential."

Shikamaru nodded. "She'll never be strong enough to bear children," he said gently. "I see. And there is the connection I was looking for. The only thing that was missing was how the clan knew that genjutsu was one of your special traits, like chakra control."

Sakura thought it over.

"I probably discussed things like that with Yakumo over the years," she said.

"Yes," Shikamaru said. "I don't think she betrayed you or anything," he added. "I even doubt now that they meant to harrass you. That was just an opening bid. Since you weren't willing, they would have upped the offer if Uchiha didn't put a spade in the works by coming back and asking you to be his girlfriend. And I also don't think that they would try this with a lot of girls. There aren't many women in this village who are strong genjutsu types with a healing skill as extra and so perfectly healthy that they could give birth to a healthy child even if it carried the Kuramas' kekkei genkai. So don't worry. But I still want that letter. I'll give them hell for scaring you."

Sakura hugged him. He was true to his word and was willing to take care of this all.

"Fine," she said.

"Fine," he repeated. "I'd like to finish what I started to talk about. If I don't tell you now, I doubt I can scrape up the courage again."

"I'm listening."

"Where was I?"

"Side effects," Sakura said. She remembered because it sounded something that she would say, a medical expression.

"Yes. So the most important thing I was concerned about was that I didn't want to turn into something I never was, something I'd never want to be. A bad apple."

He stopped for a minute.

"I met someone like that in ANBU," he said. "It was only once, but that was enough. We ate in the same mess, slept in the same dorm. When people in the squad came back from a mission, you could always see the strain. The grief. The pain. The weight of decisions. It got easier as time went, but it would never disappear completely. But this guy... I saw him after a mission. Too many wounds on the corpse and too little explanation. And he was flushed and grinning, as if..."

He shook his head.

"What happened to him?" Sakura asked.

"He died on a mission. No concern of us anymore," Shikamaru said in a colourless voice.

It was Ibiki's expression. _No concern of us. _She could almost see the scarred, silent shinobi, addressing his men. _He's no concern of us_. _He's dead and gone. But if I catch any of you like that, you'll just disappear without a trace just like he did. Beware._

"I soon realized I'd rather die than go that way," Shikamaru went on. "But being normal is a relative term. It can't be used when the circumstances aren't normal. You have no measuring sticks. For a while I thought I was managing all right, but..._"_

He shrugged.

"The first time I lied to Ino without thinking and she didn't notice I felt strange. The first time I lied to my father and he didn't notice I didn't feel anything but I knew I should. It got... it got even worse than that. It's creepy enough when you can't trust anyone, but when you realize that you don't trust yourself... So I started thinking about how people I know would behave in a given situation. People I used to trust. And the strange thing was, after a time my thoughts sort of crystallized around three persons, and they weren't people that I would have chosen on a purely logical basis. It could have been someone like Kakashi or Ino's father, who know how to deal with problems like that. But it wasn't. Nor was it my father. Not even Asuma, which would have been logical."

He sighed.

"The first one was Chouji. He was... friendship. The second one was Naruto. He stood for benefit of a doubt. And the third one was you. Right or wrong."

Sakura could hardly breathe. This was something else, something different, not what she counted on.

"When I thought of Chouji, it was always about how far I would go for a teammate or someone like that if it were Chouji instead," Shikamaru said. "A friend. How far? After a time that wasn't hard to answer. Naruto... he was always willing to trust strangers, you know? Even if they seemed really evil or strange or anything. Sometimes he was wrong, but often he was right, because as a rule, things are never as simple as they seem. So that helped me often, too. But you... When everything else failed, it was always you there in my mind. I remembered when we were on a mission together and found two orphaned kids, lost and hungry, and Kakashi and I were discussing the battle plans and you just said, 'the children have to be fed first'.You were always like that. The children have to be fed. You can't tell that girl that her mother died, just like that, it's inhuman. You can't leave an old man sick and frail alone in a hut. It won't do."

"That's just common sense," Sakura said. "It's what everybody would do."

Shikamaru smiled. "Sakura, I love you so much," he said in a whisper. "You have no idea. Anyway, I usually thought of the three of you when I had to make a decision. And more often than not you were the decider. Is it right or wrong? What would Sakura say? You were there with me almost all the time, helping me. But I wasn't in love with you. Your presence was more like a friend living in me. Someone I knew and trusted, a worthy advisor. Whenever I thought of you, life was easier, more bearable. But it wasn't love. Not like anyone else would mean it. You were with me like a photograph all those months. I tried to remember all you said and did in the years I had known you because I found it gave me courage. It gave me hope. I was lost and spent my days in darkness, but there were other people like you around, doing their job and making sure that others walked in sunshine. You were that sunshine to me."

Sakura had been trying to fight tears for a while but now they spilt over and started to fall. She couldn't remember anybody ever saying something this beautiful to her. He carried her around in his soul, like a part of him, his heart, his conscience.

"Don't cry, sweetheart," Shikamaru whispered. "I love you. I didn't want to make you sad."

"I'm not sad," Sakura said and for the first time since they were together she wasn't ashamed of her tears. "I never even heard anything so touching and sweet. You make me feel so proud."

"Really?" Shikamaru asked. "I thought you would think it weird. I thought you'd want a psychological evaluation that I could still distinguish between reality and cloud cuckoo land at a pinch."

Sakura looked at him and now she saw in a blink how this was unnamed, uncharted territory for him, too. He was just as scared as she was by all this. The river that she dreamed of carried her far away, yes, but when she waded out to the shore he was already there, but he came through the forest, bloody and bruised, breaking through the jungle, losing his way a thousand times and finding it again just to be there to meet her.

There was nothing else to say, no common tongue, no _lingua franca _to express what she felt, only those three words that are so overused that they mean nothing to most people and have to be given a new meaning by acts and emotions each time – just like one has to clean an object from all the mud and dirt that it had accumulated in centuries to see its real beauty.

"I love you."

A little later they were lying next to each other and listening to some distant radio music drifting in through the window, a song about rain and tears when Shikamaru looked at all the clothes lying in heaps around the room and said, "I know you said you weren't breaking the furniture anymore and we've both seen what happened. Now as to emptying the drawers which you also said you never did any more..."

Sakura punched his shoulder.

"Anything you break you're going to heal before I leave this room," Shikamaru said.

"Stop making fun of me. I'm sensitive to criticism."

"Yes, I can see that. But why is it that none of these clothes are suitable for a date?"

Sakura was biting her lower lip.

"So?" he asked.

"You just don't understand," Sakura said. "It should be something that you never saw on me and that would simply take your breath away and..."

Shikamaru shook his head.

"I saw you going out with Lee and Sasuke and a few other guys, too. I don't think you ever put that much effort into your looks..."

Sakura cut in, "But if it's someone important..." then she suddenly stopped and buried her face in Shikamaru's chest.

_It's just a joke. He'll smirk and make fun of how ridiculously smitten I am with him,_ she thought.

His fingers were stroking her hair softly.

"I can see that this situation requires my skills for tactical planning," he said. "There's a very simple solution to this. We're going to buy you a new dress. Something that I want to see on you, something that – how was it? Oh yes, something that I find sexy, irresistible and wonderful on you."

Sakura looked up.

"But you hate shopping. Ino said that whenever she asks you..."

"Correction," Shikamaru said coldly. "I hate shopping with Ino. But you're my girlfriend and now I'm saying that we're going shopping. Take a shower, then get dressed and get your purse. End of discussion."

Sakura found herself obeying without a question. It felt good. Shikamaru was taking the lead and it felt good. If anyone else did the same, she would have a few things to say about how she was her own person and free will in general and such, but this was her man and she trusted him.

She went to the bathroom but didn't close the door. She was sure Shikamaru would come after her.

She looked in the mirror. At least her hair didn't need washing again.

She thought about what to wear for the shopping expedition and felt a little pleasant excitement. Shikamaru was offering to help her choose a dress for their date, now how cool was that? Sakura suspected that she would never admit to somebody else that she could be so shallow and flimsy, but she couldn't deny that she felt flattered.

It was just like chocolate. Sasuke bought her gifts dutifully for each and every occasion when it was required.

But never sweets. Those were useless. Extra calories she would have to work off.

It was always Ino who brought her chocolate or icecream when she felt lonely or brokenhearted. Once when she had a double shift at the hospital and had a particularly ugly row with Sasuke as a result (he hated it when something upset his plans), somebody started banging at her door when it was all over and she was sitting on the floor in the dark, too tired to think.

When she opened the door, it was Ino and she had a covered plate in her hand. 'Is he gone?' she asked curtly.

Sakura said 'yes', too tired to understand, too tired to care.

Ino thrust the plate at her, said, 'Pancakes. Eat them till they're hot,' and was gone without any further explanation.

It was something they never talked about again, but each time Ino said something bitchy or was even more irritating than usual, a little voice in Sakura's mind whispered 'pancakes' and she felt understanding welling up in her.

Yes, a long friendship was like that.

"Is there a reason why you are standing there, watching your shower instead of getting in?" Shikamaru asked. "I don't think it's going to perform anything interesting."

"I'm waiting for someone to wash my back," Sakura said with dignity.

"Oh I see," Shikamaru grinned. "I think we'll have to clean you very, very carefully. Those salesgirls are very finicky about customers."

He gave a little push to Sakura and then stepped in the shower after her.


	10. Chapter 10

They were standing in her shower, which, in Sakura's opinion, was about the least romantic and glamorous place in the world. It was a cramped little thing in the corner of her tiny bathroom and although she cleaned it meticulously every week, she could never get it sparkling enough for her taste. The tiles were too old and cracked in places, but to remodel it completely would have taken more time and money that she had these days, not to mention permission from her landlady.

Right now none of this mattered. Shikamaru had marched her in the shower and turned the hot water on and then started to lather soap on her back and Sakura instantly closed her eyes in pleasure.

She didn't think that she could ever get used to this, the way his hands were touching her, so tenderly, so reverently. Most of the time he still talked to her as he always used to - teasing her a little, or making serious conversation that probably no one else beside them would understand -, but his touch was so different, so unlike anything else before. He was talking to her through his hands, through his body in a different language that only the two of them spoke because they were the only ones able to speak it. Sakura remembered reading an article about twins with a language of their own, how the parents could teach them everyday language but the twins usually weren't willing to use it when talking to each other. Now she understood why. Who would give up something like that without being forced to, something that precious, that special, that secret?

Shikamaru was washing her with her lavender soap, slowly and with infinite care, his hands moving on her skin as if he wanted to remember every touch, every move. Sakura felt as if she were melting under those hands. It was so easy to give in to him, to give up control. With other men she was always alert, never fully relaxed, every minute fully aware of how dangerous a human being could be, how much damage they could impact on another person. She saw the results in the hospital every day.

With Shikamaru it was different. Maybe it had something to do with their work together. In the last few weeks she saw Shikamaru handle old scripts and lab dishes with the same skill and care, never in a hurry, never clumsy or distracted. She remembered an old scroll that was almost in pieces – some of these scrolls must have been untouched for decades -, and how she watched his hands working on it, those clever fingers, never fumbling, never impatient. Now that she thought of it, there weren't many people she would have trusted with this kind of work. Oh, there was a reason why she forbid her team to come and see her in the lab – Naruto, with all his good-natured roughness was a mortal danger to anything fragile, and she doubted that the others would care enough about her work to restrict him. Kakashi, maybe – he would have understood what they were trying to accomplish, but getting him to visit her alone was almost impossible. Ever since Sasuke came back, Naruto insisted on spending as much time together with him _and_ Kakashi as he could. In fact, Naruto wanted them all to practically live together, Yamato and Sai and herself included, but if that wasn't on offer, he was satisfied with Sasuke and Kakashi. It did seem to have a healing effect on all of them, Kakashi included, so Sakura thought it best to go with the flow, but that meant she always had to deal with the boys _en masse._ Sai and Naruto together in the lab was a no-no.

Shikamaru was touching her now with the same tenderness and care as those priceless scrolls, as if she were just as important, just as precious. It was, in a way, funny. She read in books more than once similes where the writer compared an object to a woman, always stressing the sensitive nature, the fragility, the vulnerability of the thing in question and the hero's expert touch – but in real life it was just the opposite, since most men she knew handled their weapons with more care and respect than their women. How strange, how unspeakably strange... She never thought about this before. Sasuke, sharpening and cleaning his katana and his kunai for hours, but never holding her or kissing her more than a few minutes at the most, all the gentleness he showed her always leading inevitably to wanting sex.

She wondered if Shikamaru was like this with other women, too. Did he touch them only as much as it was necessary to get what he wanted? Or did he touch them so carefully, so lovingly, like he touched her? How would he touch those two girls she saw with him when they were walking back from the meadow?

Her muscles suddenly felt rigid. She knew that Shikamaru felt it, too; there was a tiny change in the rhythm of his strokes, a minuscule stop.

Sakura forced herself to relax and waited for the questions but Shikamaru didn't speak.

She turned and looked up at him. He waited patiently till she found the words she wanted to say. She was careful because now she knew that she was important to Shikamaru and she didn't want to hurt him or scare him.

"There is... there is still something between us, something we should talk about," she said timidly. "I know why you were placed in the seduction squad. I know basically what you did there and I'm okay with it. In fact, I'm proud of you. People like you and Ibiki and Kakashi sensei, you are our bricks. The first line of defense. The people without whom there is no Will of Fire."

Shikamaru nodded and Sakura hugged him, held him close, to tell him in their special language how truly from her heart she spoke, how it wasn't just a polite and easily forgotten phrase.

"But I still have to know about... about what Ino said," Sakura carried on. "I have to know if it's true. Did you... were you..."

She had no idea how to finish the sentence, how to find the appropriate words.

Shikamaru finished it for her.

"You want to know if I'm really a man-whore," he said.

Sakura winced.

"I'd rather call it a womanizer, if you don't mind," she said. "And before you point it out again, I also know that this all happened before we got together. I just... I just want to understand. Like you wanted to understand what was wrong with Lee and Sasuke."

Shikamaru slowly put down the soap that he was still holding and Sakura could see some of the tension leave his body.

"That's all?" he asked.

Sakura knew exactly what he was asking.

"I'm not going to leave you, no matter what," she said quietly. "I know you. I know you more than anyone else does and I don't care about other people's opinion. You know that."

"You were always stubborn," he said with an almost-smile.

Sakura took up the soap and started to wash Shikamaru's arms, just as gently as he did with her a moment ago.

"Genma said once that you only have to break one woman's heart and the girls will flock after the news reached them. Women love rakes and rogues, he said," Shikamaru began slowly. "He was right, except in my case I didn't even have to break anyone's heart. It was enough that I lost all my illusions about people in general and about myself in particular in a pretty short time. At first it was almost funny."

He looked at Sakura.

"What I said in the teashop was true," he said. "I never envied Uchiha his fangirls, or Neji's, or anyone's. I was never someone who made girls faint on a regular basis but if I asked a girl out, she usually accepted. Being just an average guy was good enough for me. But after a time with the seduction squad, things changed. My behaviour didn't change. My looks either. When I was back in the village I wanted to seem the same, _be _the same. It gave me a sense of stability. But still... I knew that when I walk into a bar and sit down, in approximately five minutes there would be a nicely manicured female hand on my arm..."

_And in about half an hour or less the same nicely manicured hand would be in your pants,_ Sakura thought and gritted her teeth.

"I wasn't dating anyone at the time, Sakura," Shikamaru told her with a slightly worried look. "I wasn't cheating on anyone. I was very careful to always outline in advance that I wasn't open for anything long-term. If a girl wanted a relationship, I wasn't the man she was looking for. But even like this, I never had to spend a night alone if I didn't want to. Hell, I didn't even have to make any effort."

Sakura murmured something that wasn't very clear to herself either, something about lazy bums and their incomprehensible appeal for smart, tough, hard-working women and Shikamaru grinned.

"Look, I'm not pretending to be a martyr. At first I enjoyed every minute of it," he said. "Suddenly I was the best thing since sliced bread and it had a healing effect on my ego which was rather bruised by that time. It made sense - I knew I might not be the guy that most girls wanted to walk down the aisle with, but at least I could give them some fun."

"Fine," Sakura said. "I understand. But... the way Ino talked about it... it seems to me that something went sour. I know a few players in the village, and Ino never said anything really unkind about them. Different people, different lifestyles. I mean, after one basically has to go out almost every day and kill people, it seems hypocritical to judge people for premarital sex or something like that."

Shikamaru nodded.

"Fine. First of all, I want you to understand that that period of my life is over now. You don't have to worry about me having a fling with anybody else. I'm not going to do anything that might hurt you or make you feel you can't trust me. If I'm sent on a mission with a specific purpose, that's different, but in private..."

He looked at Sakura. She nodded without thinking. Shikamaru always kept his word, but missions were something they had no control over. She could be in the same position one day – not very likely, but not impossible either.

"I can handle that."

Shikamaru kissed her brow.

_He's surprised I understood that, _Sakura thought. _He should have known, I'm shinobi, just like him. Oh, but he burned himself so many times – trusting others and getting hurt, just like me. _

"I still don't know why Ino was so unhappy about this, though," she said. "She never wanted you for herself, but she always thought you were a great guy. She should have been proud that you were so... popular."

Shikamaru didn't seem happy as he started to explain his point of view in his usual precise way.

"The problem was that after a time sex became the equivalent of getting a stiff drink after a mission," he said. "It turned into a habit. I think Ino could see the symptoms and she was getting worried. You know, I was always careful about my drinking habits. It was just too easy – get a bottle of sake, drink yourself to oblivion. Go to sleep when you're too drunk to remember anything about yourself or about your mission. Get up the next day, pretend that nothing happened. Rinse and repeat. But after a time sex became like that, too. It was like a drug. It had come to the point when almost every day I went to a bar, picked up a woman, or she picked me up, whatever. The next day I was ready to work again, clear-headed, sharp-eyed, fast. As I should be. No drawbacks. But that didn't make it any less of a habit."

He looked at Sakura to see if she could follow his line of thinking. Sakura gave a tiny nod. It was easy to see how logical it might have seemed to a man at first. An activity that was pleasant, relaxing, something that also had the big advantage of not having any chemical residues left in one's body the next day that would have slowed down reflexes or clouded one's thinking processes.

Anyway, she remembered how she got together with Lee after that mission when they almost died – again -, and how desperately she wanted someone next to her then, someone alive and warm to chase the cold fog of fear away. That was one of the things that had kept her with Lee so long. Sex wasn't great, she knew best that it wasn't, and also that maybe it would be better with someone else, but the simple human warmth of a hug, of a smile, strong arms around her at night when she woke up sobbing after a nightmare, a warm body next to hers... who was she to say that a man didn't deserve something like that?

And maybe if her first man had been someone like Shikamaru, if she knew that she was actually capable of getting such purely physical pleasure from sex, she would have been more curious, more experimenting, more daring in her relationships. As it was, there was no point in changing her partner when she knew that the problem was not with him but with her.

Shikamaru watched her solemnly and suddenly she wanted to ask him about all this. She had no idea how to explain it, whether what she said was intelligible at all, her words were too hurried and not quite in a logical order, but Shikamaru always had this knack of getting her meaning.

"You mean if you'd known before that sex could be this good, you might have had more partners?" he asked when she finished babbling about feelings and bodies and romantic notions in books. "I think yes, that's a possibility, but I also think that in your case the price of having a lot more pleasure in bed might have been a lot more guilt _outside_ the bed. By now, you'd have more memories about pleasant nights but also more memories about very embarrassing mornings, see what I mean?"

"Oh, so there is a balance?" Sakura asked, glad that in Shikamaru's opinion she wasn't just simply stupid to have missed out on something like this.

"There is always a balance," Shikamaru stated. "It's just not always a balance that we would be glad to have or feel comfortable with."

Sakura laughed, a sudden feeling of happiness and ease welling up in her and overflowing.

"You're so smart, has anyone ever told you that?"

"Gee, no," Shikamaru replied with all wide-eyed innocence. "Really? Good to know."

By the time they finished washing each other the hot water turned icy cold and Sakura told Shikamaru that if he kept touching her like this, they would never get dressed and if the shops closed and she couldn't buy a dress...

"Oh no," Shikamaru interrupted her while he turned off the water. "I can see how that would be a tragedy. Don't even say."

Sakura briefly thought about smacking him but he was so cute, smiling in that insolent, lazy way of his that was so much like his childhood smile. Except that now for some reason that insolent smirk made her want to kiss him and grab him and...

"If you still want to go shopping, you've chosen a damn funny way of getting there," Shikamaru commented when she let him go after a long and deep and rather satisfying kiss.

"You're just saying that because you wouldn't be able to walk properly right now," Sakura mumbled with a half-hidden grin on her face.

"Not my fault. I'm a normal male, reacting normally to an attractive naked female," Shikamaru said. "It's such a drag that you can always see the way I react to you, but if I want to know how you react to me, I..."

Sakura pushed his hand away.

"No, you don't. If you do that, we'll be late. Anyway, I'll be spending the night at your place, remember? You'll have plenty of time to demonstrate everything you learned in the special squad about boys and girls being different."

"Well, if you put it that way..."

He picked up a towel and started to dry her.

"Oh! Oh, how wonderful!" Sakura exclaimed.

"Do you happen to have a towel fetish?" Shikamaru asked while rubbing her back.

"No, it's not that," Sakura said with a wide grin. "I just realized that now I have someone I can try all the sex tips of Modern Kunoichi magazine with!"

"That trash," Shikamaru said without thinking. "How can you even read that, Sakura? You might have too many brain cells if you want to kill them so ruthlessly in such a short time."

"You have no idea what you're talking about," Sakura said. "Ino told me that a week ago she asked you to wedge her window with something so that the wind wouldn't shut it, and you wanted to use "Sexy Shinobi", the extra-special quarterly edition. And it was open at "Ten Celebrities and Their Secret Dates", no less!"

Shikamaru eyed her with hardly concealed amusement.

"Was there anything else interesting in it?" he enquired.

"Ino told me there was an article in it, "Ten Ways to Make Her Happy from Behind". I want to try that," Sakura said without thinking.

"What, handing my credit card to the salesgirl over your shoulder isn't enough anymore? I'm devastated. And anyway, personally I'd hate it if anyone tried to make me happy from behind, even if it were in less than ten ways."

Sakura opened her mouth to say something but she broke out in giggles again and couldn't stop. In the end she only said, "I had no idea you despised newspapers and journalists that much."

"On the contrary, I respect newspapers and journalists enormously," Shikamaru said. "That's why I don't read these magazines."

Their discussion was interrupted by several loud knocks.

Sakura opened the bathroom door. The noise was coming from the entrance door. She didn't even have to guess who they might be, she recognized Hinata's soft voice and the deeper tone of Tenten.

"Just the girls," she said, relieved. She knew she would have to tell her team about her new boyfriend sooner or later but she didn't feel like doing that wrapped in a towel.

"Do you want me to...?"

Shikamaru didn't have to finish. Sakura knew what he wanted to ask. _Do you want me to just disappear and pretend I wasn't here?_

"No," she hissed, turning toward Shikamaru. "I'm not ashamed of being with you! You have every right to be here! But maybe you should put on something..." she finished looking at Shikamaru in all his naked glory.

Shikamaru grabbed his pants, lying on top of her counter.

_Oh, he's every inch the strategist,_ Sakura thought. _No frantic rush to the bedroom for his clothes... Unlike me..._

"I think I really need a shave. Do you have a disposable razor?" he asked.

"Second drawer on the left," Sakura said, then wrapped herself quickly in the biggest towel at hand and went to deal with the visitors.

When she opened the door and invited her friends in, Hinata said at once, "No, we don't want to bother, it's just...", while Tenten grabbed Hinata's arm and pulled her inside without a word. All according to the usual routine.

Sakura closed the door and started to say something about tea and apologize for the clothes on the floor and the general disorder of her flat when she realized that the girls were gawking at something behind her.

She didn't even have to turn back to know what that something might be.

"When you said razor, you meant this?" came the lazy, deep drawl from the bathroom doorway. "Oh, hello, girls. How are you?"

There was no answer from her friends.

She turned and looked at Shikamaru, his chest still naked and dripping wet, the top button of his jounin pants open, and her pack of disposable razors in his hand. The girls were looking at him as if he were the first man they ever saw without a shirt and didn't say a word.

Shikamaru was still waiting for an answer and the attention he was getting didn't seem to deter him at all.

"Yes, exactly," Sakura said to Shikamaru with a shrug. "What did you think?"

"They are pink," Shikamaru said, amused.

"Because they are women's razors, designed for getting a perfect bikini shave," Sakura said patiently. "Good for intimate places."

"You're getting something wrong there about my intimate parts, sweetheart," Shikamaru said, grinning. "It's long, I admit, but it doesn't reach my chin. I think I'd rather use my kunai. Do you happen to have any shaving cream or should I use soap?"

He absentmindedly fingered his hair tie while he waited for Sakura to speak.

Suddenly the hair tie snapped with a twang like rubber and his hair fell on his shoulders.

"Oh, hell," he said, looking at the hair tie in his hand with disgust.

Shika with his hair down still took Sakura's breath away.

She wasn't the only one.

Hinata blushed tomato red and her mouth fell open. Tenten was looking Shikamaru up and down in a very predatory way.

Sakura was feeling half amused, half indignant and wholly proprietary.

"There are some rubber bands in the upper drawer," she said. "The shaving cream is on the shelf next to the mirror, if there's any. And dry yourself before you catch a cold."

Shikamaru nodded and turned to go back to the bathroom. "Ladies," he said with a smile, then disappeared behind the closing door.

Tenten was the first to speak. "What a hunk! Sakura, it's so unfair! How come you get the best guys first? Who knew he had a body like that under that flak vest, I ask you?"

"He looks... nice..." Hinata said in an almost inaudible voice. She was still red but was already breathing regularly.

Now Sakura knew for sure that Hinata never even thought of anyone else but Naruto that way, and Tenten found all the happiness with Lee that she herself could have wished for them. But even then...

_Be reasonable,_ Inner said in a bored voice. _You only saw Kakashi without a shirt once or twice and never thought of him as a potential partner, but still, if he appeared in front of you right now in just a pair of jounin pants, you wouldn't deny yourself the sight, would you? _

_That's true_, Sakura thought with a sigh.

"Would you like some tea?" she asked again.

"No, we would like some information," Tenten said with a dreamy look in her eyes. "When and where did you manage to purchase the product and is there any chance of a loan? Or if not, maybe getting the same make somewhere? Oh, can he make clones by the way?"

"His specialty is shadows," Hinata said with a calculating look in her eyes that was very unlike her usual self. "Did he show you any trick with his shadows?"

Sakura frowned and tried to think, but she only remembered Shikamaru opening the door with them and then taking her prisoner while he explained that he wanted to date her. Oh, and he pulled down the pillows to the floor, but that didn't really count. All the same, he might do a few more things, should she ask him...

She saw herself writhing on a bed, the shadows tying her down and caressing her, and Shikamaru watching her with eyes darkly burning with lust...

"Oh boy," Tenten murmured, watching Sakura's face closely. "He must be a whiz."

"He is," Sakura said happily. "Even without the shadows."

She looked at her friends again and saw something more than should be there, a glance, a shrug... tension. So she asked pointedly, "I'm always glad to see you but why are you here, exactly?"

Hinata and Tenten looked at each other and there seemed to be a discussion without words going on between them.

"Naruto told me a few days ago that you and Sasuke broke up," Hinata said softly. "I wanted to talk to you, see if you were all right, but you spend so much time at the lab..."

"...that we simply couldn't get you at home, and we didn't want to discuss this in front of others," Tenten finished the sentence. "But today we both heard... well, several things, and then Hinata thought we had better come here and ask you because..."

They looked at each other again.

"Well, because Naruto is very protective of you," Hinata said. She looked at Sakura, appealing without words for understanding, for acceptance.

_She was sure there would be a problem when Naruto heard about Shikamaru and she came to warn me,_ Sakura thought. _Well, she deserves some kind of explanation._

"Sasuke cheated on me. I caught him at it. I didn't tell Naruto because I thought Sasuke should tell him, but obviously he didn't," Sakura said bluntly.

She looked at Hinata.

"I'm sorry, Hinata. I told Tenten the last time we met but I didn't tell you – specifically because I knew that Naruto was very set on me being with Sasuke and I knew that he would go ballistic if he heard from you what really happened. It was really melodramatic enough, I didn't want to drag any more people into it."

"But you told Tenten," Hinata said sadly.

"That was because Tenten doesn't tell everything to Lee, but you don't like to keep secrets from Naruto," Sakura said kindly. "I didn't want to get you into a position where you would have to take sides and either decide to tell Naruto something that I told you in confidence, or keep it to yourself and suffer."

"Why didn't you want to tell Naruto?" Hinata asked quietly.

"Maybe I should have, but I thought Sasuke would do it and they would discuss it with each other. It would have been only fair, so basically it was just a question of timing – at least that's what I thought then. Only he didn't! He didn't say a word to Naruto, and Naruto kept nagging me, and I was so angry with Sasuke I could have strangled him! After that I was looking for a chance to talk to Naruto in private but these days the boys in my team always seem to come and go in a herd, and I thought maybe in a few days... and anyway, I was busy in the lab. And then, well, things just happened," Sakura finished, combing her hair with her fingers nervously.

"Yes, I can see that," Tenten said, still watching the bathroom door. Then she turned to Sakura and only asked, "When?"

"He asked me out yesterday," Sakura said. She tried to suppress the goofy smile blooming on her face but she couldn't quite succeed. "First it was just a drink, then we started talking about... well, different things, and then... well, a lot of things happened, and then he asked me out and this evening he's taking me to the Golden Dragon..."

"The Golden Dragon?" the girls said at the same time and exchanged knowing looks.

"Yes, and I'm going to buy myself a new dress, and he offered to help me choose one," Sakura said in a tone that was very close to bragging, no matter how much she tried to sound nonchalant.

"Some girls have all the luck in the world!" Tenten said with envy.

Sakura bit down on her tongue, hard, so as not to go on blabbing.

_...and he loves me, and I love him, and he's just amazing in everything including sex, oh, first of all sex, and he's sweet and intelligent and he says his family will love me, too... oh God, I don't think I deserve so much happiness._

"Yes, I'm really lucky," she said, suddenly afraid that something would happen, that something bad would happen and...

"No," Hinata said in a strong voice, and the way she looked at Sakura wasn't shy or tentative at all. All her personality, all her strength of character showed in her sweet, pale face. This was the kunoichi that would have fought her cousin till her last breath, the girl that told Naruto he meant more to her than anybody else, more than her life, the woman who in her silent way stood up for the village and the Will of Fire just as strongly as Naruto did. "It isn't luck. You deserve this. You deserve to be happy, don't forget that. I'll tell the same to Naruto. And if Shikamaru has just a fraction of that intelligence everybody credits him with, he knows how lucky he is and he'll do everything to make you happy."

The bathroom door opened again. Shikamaru had his hair tied up and his face was serious.

"I won't pretend that I didn't hear what you were talking about," he said in his usual quiet way. He looked at Hinata. "I love Sakura. Believe me, I know exactly how grateful I should be to all the powers that be. I'll do everything I can to make her happy."

"That's nice," Tenten said doubtfully, "but how can you prove that?"

Shikamaru smiled. His smile was kind and a bit tired.

_He thinks of us all as children, _Sakura thought suddenly. _It's the way I would look at a genin. They are so, so sure they know everything and there is so much yet they have to go through, betrayal and grief and pain, and there's nothing I could spare them, only pray that they have more time than we did. Don't hurry, children, don't hurry..._

She looked at Shikamaru, suddenly afraid. This fear had nothing to do with her friends. What did it matter what they thought? What did it matter if Tenten spread some silly gossip to the rookie nine or if Hinata and Naruto shook their heads disapprovingly?

_Time. It's all about time. How much time have we got until another ninja war? How much time until another invasion, the appearance of a new enemy or just some bad luck on a mission? _

She caught Shikamaru's eyes, the light changing in them, the frown on his face.

"Don't be afraid, sweetheart," he said softly. "Everything will be all right. I promise."

He crossed the room to her in swift strides and held her in his arms. "What is it?"

She could only look up desperately and say, "Time."

"Time," he said slowly. "Such a beautiful and deadly word."

"What are you two talking about?" Tenten asked, but Shikamaru didn't care. He only had eyes for Sakura.

"Leave them alone, Tenten," Hinata whispered. "Can't you see...?"

Shikamaru smiled again and the fear in her that started to engulf her, the fear that she usually pushed back and turned into strength now retreated grudgingly from a greater force.

"Look," he whispered. "Just look."

At first she had no idea what she should look at but then she saw the thin, long fingers of shadows running up the walls like a spider's web, except it wasn't a web and it wasn't a cage because the fingers thickened and turned into...

"Trees," Sakura whispered in surprise and awe. "These are rose trees."

She saw the shadows take the shape of rose bushes – long branches and leaves and buds, black on white, and they were constantly moving, changing...

"They are growing!"

The leaves started to unfold, then the buds, slowly, oh so slowly, and one by one they turned into roses, blooming and full, then the petals started to fall, but new rosebuds appeared on the branches growing on the walls and it all started again.

Sakura looked at Shikamaru. He was watching her, his eyes full of love, his lips forming the same word again.

"Look."

He felt a gentle push on her hands – there were shadows holding both her wrists, carefully raising them until her palms were open, pushed together and turned upwards as a chalice. A tendril of shadow appeared between them and spread – a leaf, another, then a bud, then a full rose blooming in her upturned palms like a real flower, then the petals turned into butterflies and disappeared. The shadows retreated and the room was as before – a normal, common, everyday room in a tiny, not very modern apartment.

_He made me a rose garden, _Sakura thought. _My special rose garden. _

She smiled up at him.

_He's right. There is no tomorrow. There is only the moment. We are nothing more than these shadow roses on the wall, here today, gone tomorrow. But we are here right now and oh, I love this man so much_...

Shikamaru watched her, his dark eyes just as mysterious now as when she first saw him, years and years ago. She remembered how Ino appeared on the playground in the middle of a sudden, vicious fight between little girls – she couldn't remember for the life of her what they were arguing about -, and Ino protected her, as usual, and then she pulled her through the whole playground until they found a boy lying in the grass, watching the sky, and Ino said, 'this is my friend Shikamaru, he's the laziest boy in the world, and this is Sakura, what do you say, Shikamaru?' The eyes that opened and looked at her were these same dark eyes. She was so afraid that he would say something unkind, but he only said, 'she's got pretty hair – now let me sleep, Ino, you're such a nuisance,' and he closed his eyes. And Ino let him!

"I've forgotten that until now," she said.

Shikamaru frowned. "What did you forget, sweetheart?"

"The first time Ino introduced us to each other, you said I had pretty hair."

Shikamaru laughed. "And you just remembered that?"

"Yes. How old was I then, what do you think? It seems ages ago."

"Five, maybe. Maybe even younger. I know I was hardly older than five."

Sakura looked at him.

"So you remember it, too?"

"Of course I remember it. It's not every day one gets introduced to a girl whose hair looks like cotton candy."

For a moment they had both completely forgotten they weren't alone, and when Shikamaru raised his hand and started to caress her face, she got hold of his hand and kissed his palm.

"Uh... maybe we'd better go," a reluctant voice said behind Sakura's back.

She turned without letting Shikamaru go. Tenten and Hinata were both grinning.

"What's so funny?" Sakura asked.

"You're so cute together!" Hinata said, her head tilted, her hands on her chin.

"Yes," Tenten crooned. She looked at Hinata and they both nodded.

"We'd better leave now," Hinata said. "I'll come back later, if you don't mind."

_Yes, we still have to talk, _Sakura thought. _Naruto still might be a problem, but I just don't care. Not anymore. He has to understand the way I feel and accept it. This is my life, my future we're talking about. Not his._

She let the girls out and she could hear them melt into giggles the moment they were out the door.

"Looks like we started a new streak of gossip," Sakura said.

"Do you mind...?" Shikamaru started to ask.

"Telling others?" Sakura finished his question for him. "Oh, no. That will save me kicking the ass of all those ANBU girls who think you're still up for grabs."

„Maybe we should just put up a banner on top of the Hokage tower, announcing officially that we're dating," Shikamaru suggested.

Sakura laughed. "If you told Ino what happened, like I asked you to, then that is absolutely unnecessary."

They finished dressing up in peace, then, still in a wordless, mutual understanding, started to put the apartment in order. Sakura felt Shikamaru looking at her in approximately every ten seconds and pretended not to notice. She was wearing the rose-coloured cotton dress and it was obvious that it met with Shikamaru's approval.

They already put all the books and almost all the clothes back to where they belonged when Shikamaru grabbed her wrist and pinned her to the wall.

"I want a kiss right now," he announced. "I've been working like a slave for hours and hours and I haven't even gotten a kiss, and..."

"Oh, don't be silly," Sakura said. "It was hardly more than ten minutes."

"It _felt_ hours," Shikamaru said. "I want my kiss."

Sakura found it impossible to resist him. He looked so menacing and dangerous and she was so, so unused to being weak and vulnerable in a man's embrace and _wanting_ to surrender.

The way he put his face next to hers and touched his lips to hers was in sharp contrast to how he kept her pinned to the wall. His lips were tender, his kiss almost shy.

He let her go but was still standing next to her, as if he wanted to stop the moment.

"I can't get used to being like this," she said. "Being with you and in love and... you know."

"No, Shikamaru said. "I don't."

His voice was serious again.

"What is it that you find so strange?"

There was no simple answer to that question.

"Things happen so fast," Sakura said in the end.

"Really?"

They were looking at each other but Sakura had this feeling Shikamaru was thinking of something else entirely.

"When did you fall in love with me?" Shikamaru asked suddenly.

Sakura wanted to say something flippant or roll her eyes and she stopped at the very last second. It wasn't the first time Shikamaru brought this up. Quite the opposite. In his patient way he asked this question again and again, trying to catch her unaware. Why was this so important?

Why was it so important that _he_ was never willing to answer the same question if _she _was the one asking it?

Was this one of the things that he never intended to talk about? Or was he just waiting for the appropriate moment?

She had no doubt that he was really in love with her, that he wanted to make her happy. All the same, he was still full of secrets, a lifetime of secrets, and she had no idea which of these secrets was coming back now to haunt them.

She tried put her thoughts, her feelings in order, calling them up one by one to be paraded for his sake.

"I would have told you already if I knew," she said slowly. "I really have no idea. I only know that..."

"That?"

There was a quite uncharacteristic expression on Shikamaru's face, a mixture of pain and longing.

"... that I must have felt something for you yesterday because... because it was the first time I kissed a man."

The surprise on his face was almost comical and Sakura saw in a second what it was that he must have misunderstood.

"Oh...oh! Not like that! I mean, of course I kissed with men, it's just that I never kissed a man, I mean it wasn't me, that's just..."

Shikamaru smiled.

"You mean it was always the man who kissed you, don't you, sweetheart? That it was never you who actually kissed your partner first?"

"Yes," Sakura said gratefully. "That's what I wanted to say. And yesterday..."

She felt her face get warm, but really, what could she do? He'd been so sweet, saying all those wonderful things about sex and love and having children all being a miracle, and it was as if he could read her mind because she'd always felt exactly like that, except she could never put it in words, so she just had to kiss him.

She looked up and said the first thing that came to her mind. "Do you think that it's... it's unfeminine? That I kissed you first?"

He didn't answer at once.

"Or maybe... maybe you think that I shouldn't... that I shouldn't have asked you to... you know..."

This was a road to peril, she could see that. It was so easy to fall in love with someone whose ideas and thinking was the exact opposite of yours, who thought nothing of the ideals you considered sacred – why would it be impossible to fall in love with someone towards whom you felt no respect at all or someone you did not understand? Shikamaru told her a hundred times how he never understood her way of thinking. She, on the other hand, would never have thought that she would fall for someone who seduced women by the dozen – Lee would never even look at another woman when he was with her, and Sasuke, for all his faults, was never a womanizer. Or so she thought until she caught him red-handed in his flat with that woman.

Maybe it was unnatural that she could fall for Shikamaru so hard, so soon. But there was no point in counting all the ways that they might make each other miserable. There was no way she could change the past, no matter what, but anything else she would do for him, and do gladly.

She looked at him unhappily.

"I have no idea what you want from me," she said. "I would do anything for you, you know I would. Just tell me what you want."

"What do I want?" he asked and there was something very dark and strange shining through his eyes. "I want to change the past. That's what I want."

She was watching him with blank eyes, trying to understand what he meant when Shikamaru looked at her again and with a curse raised his fist and struck the wall.

_Wham._

The impact shook Sakura, and she saw parts and pieces of plaster and wallpaper showering on the floor next to her.

Shikamaru looked at her with the eyes of a wild animal, angry, cornered, ready to fight.

_Wham. _

Another blow, just as forceful as the previous one. Sakura instinctively turned her head to the side and saw his hand disappear in the wall. When he pulled his fist back, his knuckles were bleeding.

This wasn't fear now. This was panic, full-blown, raging panic. The skin on her face and under her hair prickled as if there were tiny shards of ice bombarding her head. Things slowed down and the only rational thought that was still there in her head was that she knew, she _knew_ Shikamaru would never hurt her but she had to stop him hurting himself.

There was no next strike, she caught Shikamaru's hand with her own.

He didn't fight, didn't struggle, just let her take hold of his hand and open it and start to heal it without a word. He was still breathing hard and fast but his face was again without emotions, empty, made of stone.

_We are both in fight mode,_ Sakura thought. Her breathing was just as fast as his, heart beating fast, concentration on maximum, trying to supervise as much of her surroundings as possible. _How did this happen?_

She knew that the healing chakra usually calmed the patient – partly because it was associated with at least a momentary calm. Medic nins did do some healing on the battlefield, yes, but there wasn't much point in healing somebody if they were still under attack and in direct danger.

She was thinking fast, going through an imaginary checklist and looking for the source of the problem. Most shinobi were volatile – there was a reason why an attack with any kind of weapon was forbidden in the village, except on the training ground. A sudden rush of anger, aggression or jealousy could not only incapacitate one or both parties if they drew weapons but would result in serious damage. A few slaps or kicks were accepted, though, but Shikamaru was never the kind who engaged in fistfights or let a debate escalate into a conflict.

Was this some kind of acting out? Was there something in his ANBU past that made him liable to sudden fits of anger?

Maybe she had better see his medical dossier, but would ANBU let her handle it? Hell, she should have insisted on it when he returned to the normal roster. If anything happened, he would probably be her responsibility anyway, like any other member of the original rookie nine. What made him erupt in such a fit of rage?

"Have you ever felt that no matter how much someone loves you, they would never understand what you think or feel?" he asked.

Sakura looked up. Shikamaru was looking at the hole in the wall.

"I'll just say one word and then you'll realize what a stupid question you asked," Sakura sighed.

Shikamaru looked at her.

"Naruto."

"Oh."

"Yes. That was one of the reasons why I never considered him seriously as a boyfriend. I mean I love him, I really do, and he'd give his life for me, but even trying to talk to him if it isn't about a common, everyday thing or event gives me a headache."

"Oh."

"Yes. Oh."

She finished healing his hand but didn't let him go.

"Would you like to tell me what it was that made you react like this?" Sakura asked tentatively.

"Are you afraid of me?" Shikamaru asked, his eyes suspicious, narrow, cold.

"No. But I'd like to know what made you hurt yourself. And why would you want to change the past?"

He sighed and seemed very tired and somehow beaten, as if he made a wager on something important and lost.

"Fine. Ask me when I fell in love with you."

Sakura looked at him, speechless with surprise.

"Fine," she mumbled. "When did you fall in love with me?"

He smiled, with his old, sweet, gentle smile.

"The first time I entered the lab we're working in. Five weeks ago," he said quietly.

She knew that now he gave her all the pieces of the puzzle that he considered important, and that, for some reason, it gave him great pain to do so, but she still, for the life of her, did not, could not grasp the meaning of all this.

"I always thought this was a myth," Shikamaru said bitterly. "I always thought it was one of those romantic notions that are only alive in the heads of underage girls and old spinsters. I never thought that coup de foudre had an actual meaning."

He shrugged.

Sakura knew that coup de foudre meant suddenly and unexpectedly falling in love, as suddenly and unexpectedly as if one were struck by a bolt of lightning. What she had no idea about was how on earth this would have anything to do with her.

"I can see you don't understand," Shikamaru said with a wry smile. "You know, I was still with ANBU when one day the Hokage wanted to talk to me. That was about two months ago. I went to the Tower. Kakashi was there, too. She asked me how long I planned to stay in ANBU. And I told her as long as they needed me. So you're ok, she asked. I told her yes, I was fine. And then Kakashi said, no, he isn't fine. You should know, Tsunade-sama. You've been there, you should know. War has a way of amputating bits of people's souls until all they've got left is but a stub. ANBU is like that, too. Soon he will have no emotions left at all, except a feeling of duty. He needs to get back to his normal life. Konoha needs all the people who are still whole, and we haven't got that many of them... "

Sakura watched him with wide eyes.

_Kakashi, poor Kakashi, poor sensei. To know something about yourself, to see something like that and not be able to change it, to be only able to act for others so they wouldn't go your way and be left without a soul, without emotions..._

"So suddenly I found myself back in Konoha and out of ANBU and thinking about what Kakashi meant," Shikamaru carried on. "After I went through all the check-ups and the paperwork and the what-not, the Hokage sent for me again. She said I would need to do some research work before I could return to my previous job - urgent, important, my participation absolutely essential. Whatever. It was all the same to me. I went to the consigned lab next morning, opened the door... and Tsunade never told me that I would have to work with you!"

"She never told me about you, either," Sakura said.

"I gathered as much. But I opened that door and you looked up and said, 'Shikamaru, you came to visit me? Oh, I'm so glad to see you!' And you came to me and hugged me and then said, 'You're too tall, bend forward a bit, I want to give you a kiss! I'm so happy you're here!' And it was... for a moment it was as if everything was as before, as if all the things that happened since I last saw you were just a dream. And you looked so pretty and so _young_... When I thought of you, I always saw you serious and calm and stern, and now you were laughing and chattering and you kept pulling me after you as you went around and showed me everything, and... and my heart almost stopped, and by the time you let me go I knew I was in love."

"But you never said anything," Sakura said, amazed.

Shikamaru watched her with a strange look in his eyes.

"You were dating Sasuke," he said. "What could I say? Don't look at him. He's not the one. I know. 'How can you tell, Shikamaru? You're always so logical, so concise. Can you explain?' I can't. I just know it. He's not the one. I am. 'How can you tell?' Well, the first day I entered the lab and saw you my heart just went mad. I thought I had a heart attack. Then you turned and smiled at me and I just knew. 'Well, Shikamaru, that's a great explanation. You probably did have a heart attack or a stroke and part of your brain died too. I've waited for Sasuke to notice me since I was six and now he's my boyfriend. What made you think I'd ever give you the light of day?' "

Sakura was slowly shaking her head.

"So I was a coward," Shikamaru said. "I never said anything. I just went on working next to you. I counted the days as my time with you was running out."

"But you never asked anything!" Sakura blurted out.

"Ask?"

"About how I was. Or what I did after work. Anything like that."

"Oh yes," Shikamaru said with sudden anger. "I would have been pleased to hear that he took you out to dinner in a fancy restaurant, and bought you some expensive bauble like the bracelet you're still wearing. Then he took you home and did things to you I could only dream of. Wonderful."

"It wouldn't have been that… that pleasant."

"Yeah. Tell me, Sakura - if I told you now that I think Temari and I are still destined for each other, would you wish me happiness?"

"Would that be your heart's desire? What you really want?"

Shikamari sighed.

"For the sake of the argument let's say yes."

"Then I would wish you both happiness. What could I do?"

"But would you be happy?"

"I think the answer is that I'd try very hard to be happy for your sake. You're my friend," Sakura answered with full honesty.

"Then you can see my dilemma," Shikamaru whispered softly. "Every time I saw you unhappy my heart went out to you and I wanted to grab that moron and bend his arm until he makes you happy. And at the same time my heart went mad every time I saw that he didn't care, that it would end… And then I reminded myself that you loved him, that your heart would break… Sometimes I felt I could scream for hours."

Sakura still couldn't understand why this all made him want to demolish her wall.

"But why...?" she said and looked at the hole, not being able to voice her question properly. _Why are you acting like a madman? What's wrong? Why do you want to change the past? Why now?_

"Can't you see how... how ridiculous I am, Sakura? Can't you see what a position I manoeuvered myself into?"

Sakura looked at him.

"Uh... no?"

They watched each other for a full minute, both of them eyeing the other like two animals, ready to fight or flee.

In the end Shikamaru shook his head briefly and gave a long sigh.

"So you see nothing strange in the fact that I was a member of the seduction corps, trained in seduction, with a hundred percent success rate as to completed missions, and a, I couldn't seduce the girl I've been in love with for weeks, nah, couldn't even tell her I was in love with her, and b, she was never able to feel a sparkle of interest for me until we had sex? Do you think that this situation is a normal, everyday, common..."

"Oh, spare me the rest of the adjectives," Sakura interrupted him impatiently. "You said yourself that our situation isn't normal. Being a shinobi isn't normal! In our case, chaos theory is the only guiding principle. In other words, the abnormal becomes the normal and rules victoriously. When we start a family, the picket fence-two kids-and-a dog-type of family ideal might still apply but with a few tiny, negligible changes, like Naruto and Sasuke setting fire to the picket fence in a spontaneous fit of rage, our two kids being extra-intelligent and highly deviant young shinobi with evil ideas of their own, and the dog probably one of Kiba's monsters that will bite the entrance door in two in pure enthusiasm when we get home. Not to mention that chances are that deer will look in the windows, my team will still insist on raiding my pantry every week, Chouji in tow, while Ino will sit in my kitchen and gossip incessantly and my parents and your parents will agree that this is no way to raise children and the apocalypse is near."

Shikamaru started to laugh slightly hysterically and couldn't stop.

"God, I like that," he said. "Where will I be in that picture?"

Sakura looked at him lovingly.

"I have no illusions about you," she murmured. "You will be lying out on your meadow somewhere until I start to yell and the whole of Konoha can hear me when I promise you that if you don't appear this very minute, I'll find you and tear you into small and ragged pieces."

Sakura put her arms around Shikamaru's neck and pulled him to her.

"I don't know how much that means to you, but I love you and I want to be with you, no matter what," she said. "I can only hope that's enough because there isn't anything else that I could give you. I can't change the past for you. But you're good enough for me as you are – flaws and mistakes and bad decisions and wounds and everything. It's not a fairy tale but it has to be enough."

Shikamaru looked at her and nodded.

"You don't want to ask me anything else?" he asked quietly.

"On the contrary, I have a lot of questions to ask," Sakura said with an angelic smile. "But I'm going to ask them on our way to The Elegant Kunoichi."

_He has to be given some time to recover and regain his composure, _she thought._ This will take his mind off his confession and moving is good, it burns nervous energy. It will also give me time to think all this over. Plan, regroup and attack. I have to minimalize the damage. I just can't see why he would react this way but his pain is real. I have to change the environment while I analyze the situation. It's a good thing we talked about buying a dress, this is a perfect excuse to leave my flat. He feels imprisoned here. Too much emotion, too intense._"

"Trust you to go to a boutique that's Ino's second home," Shikamaru mumbled.

"Bad memories?" Sakura asked while she got her keys and her purse.

Shikamaru coughed.

"You could say that. The last time she wanted me to go shopping with her my arm was broken. It was a complicated fracture, I talked the ANBU meds into giving me a cast after they healed it. I thought that would get me out of the shopping expedition."

Sakura looked at him with narrowed eyes.

"Your arm isn't broken now, so you're not getting out of this. Anyway, did she take the cast off and heal you herself?" she asked. "That's what I would have done."

She had all the things she needed, so after a last look around she let Shikamaru out of her apartment, then she stepped outside, too and closed the door behind them.

"No," Shikamaru said with a grimace. "She said the cast would be ideal to hang her shopping bags on. She said my arm wouldn't get tired."


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's note**

**Dearest readers,**

**Sorry for the delay. Life isn't easy, at least mine isn't. But now I'm back.**

**Sniveling mode now switched off.**

**I don't like author's notes but now I read all the reviews and I think I need to clarify a few things.**

**I, as the author of the critically acclaimed Great American Novel of the twenty-first century...**

**Oh. Sorry. Wrong speech.**

**So. This is fanfiction – a short story that I keep writing only because I love to write and I'm a selfish, shallow human being and I prefer to spend my time doing things I like doing.**

**That does not mean that I know how to write.**

**The plot is improbable, the timeline is impossible, the characters are out of character.**

**Unfortunately, everything is going to stay that way.**

**DON'T READ ON.**

**Still doing it? Oh, well, you're one of those.**

**I should have given all of you this warning at the beginning of the story, but I thought, oh, what, just a bit of lemon, some fluff, anybody who would want some real drama and social issues and muckraking could surely find a reality show to watch.**

**WARNING**

**This short story contains adult material. There are people _thinking_ in it. And they _discuss their thoughts and feelings._**

**Weird.**

**The male protagonist is a man who's both sensitive _and_ intelligent and the female protagonist is more interested in healing and other people's feelings than in fashion and make-up. (You all remember the part where I emphasized that this was fiction, right? Right.)**

**We all know that soldiers don't have feelings – why would they need any? They are invincible, and those who die, die a noble death. That should be enough for them, they don't need to have a private life. (As one of my colleagues said once, "What do you mean, stress management? What's wrong with alcohol?")**

**People don't need complex personalities. That only means trouble. Having "the emotional depth of a teaspoon," as Ms. Rowling said, is an advantage hands down.**

**Naruto's world, as we all know, is completely realistic. In my neck of the woods people killed in a war are always suddenly revived, too, and we have shadow clones, people spitting fireballs and demons walking among us, too. Oh, so you don't? How strange. On the other hand, I'm sorry for being such a fantasist as to suppose that two people who are immensely interested in each other can walk _and _talk at the same time. Please bear with me, I know I'm pushing the limits here.**

**And yes, there will be a happy ending. I'm selling my soul for cheap success and appealing to my readers' baser instincts instead of giving them the deep, cleansing and liberating catharsis they paid for.**

**Oh, so this is a free site?**

**Good to know.**

**Well, consider yourselves warned. The story begins.  
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><p>The shop where she intended to look for a dress that was fancy enough to dazzle everyone in the Golden Dragon wasn't that far from her apartment, but Sakura's steps were slower than usual. She needed time to get herself together. Every time she thought that things were, surely, starting to be less complicated, she was wrong. She almost wished she were back in phase one, trying to figure out her date's intentions with a mixture of dark apprehension and giddy relief. But Shikamaru was very clear on all this: he meant business. He wanted it all, dating and sex and a serious relationship and love and… was there anything else in the package? No, thank God. It was more than enough for now.<p>

Sakura started biting her lower lip. She struggled with herself, trying to define the problem.

_Ino would love this,_ she thought. _She'd revel in this – the drama, the excitement, the romance. The glitter. I'm a much more down-to-earth person, and the only thing I really want to know is – who's paying? Because there's no such thing as a free lunch, and it was my own bloody fault that I was taken in two times – once by Lee with all his feverish promises and then by Sasuke, with his brooding good looks and two-dimensional personality, like a cardboard cutout._

"I should do something to stop you thinking," Shikamaru said suddenly. "Because every time you have this expression on your face, it means trouble. Are you second-guessing your decision to go out and have dinner with me?"

"No," Sakura said truthfully. "Nothing like that."

She looked at Shikamaru and again felt that sweet little tightening in her chest.

_This is real, _she thought. _There's no need to dress it up and put frills on it and paint it pink. It is good in itself. I don't even need the Golden Dragon or the new dress – if he said he wanted to have dinner with me at home, we could have takeout and watch TV and I'd still be happy. But then what is the matter?_

She looked up at the big clock on the corner of the tiny marketplace where she usually bought her vegetables.

"Funny," she said. "First I thought that the clock must be late and now I think it must be early… or I don't know what to think."

Shikamaru shrugged. "The clock is on time," he said. "We got up early, even if we count the second time, but then we've had a very busy day. We came back from the meadow about lunchtime, if you remember."

"But the things we did after…" Sakura said hesitantly.

"Sweetheart, I may owe a big thank you to your previous boyfriends," Shikamaru drawled. "If we have sex for more than five minutes, you think it's over the top and are suitably grateful. I'll have to show you one of these days what it's like to make love all night, or else you'll really think that this is the best I'm capable of."

"You…!" Sakura began, then Shikamaru's words hit her full force and she felt a small, idiotic smile bloom on her lips. It was impossible to be angry with this smartass, she decided. Anything he said and did pushed her back into a daze of well-being where further consideration of anything unpleasant was impossible.

"Sweetheart, when does that shop close?" Shikamaru asked.

"Don't worry, Kagura is a very, very good businesswoman," she assured him. "On Fridays and Saturdays her boutique is open until nine o'clock, so every wardrobe emergency can be solved even at the very last minute. She has a tremendous amount of customers in both evenings, she says."

The Elegant Kunoichi was Ino's favourite boutique that Ino visited at least once a week, sometimes more. She was on first-name basis with most of the salesgirls – a community of the truly devout in the church of Fashion with a capital F. Ino always had money to spend - she still lived with her family, and her clan was rich, and if she wanted to buy a new pair of shoes every week, she could. Sakura did not allow herself to feel hurt. Ino could keep all her earnings, her daddy bought his little princess everything that she yearned for, and now even Chouji was willing to toe the line and take care of Ino's real or imaginary needs – but all this wasn't Ino's fault. It was simply a given situation, like being born with genes that gave one a wonderful figure or long, silky hair.

Now, on the other hand, Sakura thought, _she_ was going to buy herself a beautiful dress, and nothing, _nothing _would stop her.

"What a smart woman she is," Shikamaru said. "I was just worried that her shop would close at five, in which case we would have had about ten minutes to get there and find the perfect dress for you, then pay and leave before they let the dogs out."

Sakura laughed.

"Luckily there's no need. I'll have a lot of time to choose the dress."

Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

"Worried is not the proper expression, then. I would have preferred the ten-minute scenario," he said. "Is there something that might make you consider it? Remember, you are a smart, modern woman who doesn't need to spend hours in silly shops."

"Go on, go on. Don't stop. This is very amusing."

"Oh, I could list your good traits all day and hardly mention any of your faults – the latter, of course, are small and negligible and only add to your charm."

Sakura snorted.

"And people say flattery won't get you anywhere. Oh my, how they are mistaken."

Sakura wasn't vain. The way she saw it, most of her life she simply wasn't pretty enough to be vain and she never had money to burn, so she was never tempted to accept the illusion that beauty could be bought – that a dress or a new hairdo would not only make a girl look better but would help her to become another person entirely.

Sakura didn't want to be another person, not even if that other person could have better hair or bigger breasts.

Inner couldn't agree more.

Sakura's parents were shinobi, but not from a famous or rich clan and not very skilled either. Her father was a chuunin but he would never become a jounin and he'd decided long ago that he wasn't going to try for it. He was happy with his family and his mates and his small house and once he told Sakura that the secret of life was to aim for more but be satisfied with less, and Sakura understood at once what he meant.

She was comfortable in her small flat and with the money she made in the hospital and on missions, but she realized quite soon that she would never have as much money to spend as Ino.

Nevertheless, they still went shopping together quite often. This meant that Ino tried on dresses and shoes by the dozen and bought quite a lot of them and Sakura held Ino's coat and purse and they discussed the merits of each dress – and the strange thing was that they both had fun. Sakura liked to see all those lovely things, even if she didn't get to buy any of them, and she didn't mind praising Ino in particularly stunning outfits. Why should she be jealous? Ino was truly beautiful and although they were still rivals in a lot of things (last year the sneaky cold war for getting the same assistant, a hardworking, no-nonsense nurse, nearly made them get into a fight, the first one since they were twelve), this rivalry was now way past the question of men and dating and clothes.

Ino. Oh, what would Ino say about Shikamaru dating her? Oh, and Ino didn't even know... well, a lot of things, Sakura thought.

_Ino wasn't very happy with either of us this morning. Of course, if two of your friends had fun for one night and then they quarreled and never wanted to be in the same room again, that was disaster._

_But if it was love?_

"What did Ino say when you went to see her?" Sakura asked.

"We didn't talk a lot, the shop was still open. I told her the basics – yes, I asked Sakura out, yes, I like her, yes, she knows, for God's sake, Ino, stop screaming now, my ears are bleeding."

Sakura giggled.

"But you didn't tell her you loved me, did you?"

"No. That was before The Great Mutual Confession. I was still guarding my secret. But she knew that something was going on. I had to promise that I'd talk to her later."

"Uh-oh. I can't believe that you never told her. You must be harder than steel. Or she's starting to lose her touch."

"The funny thing is, ever since I left ANBU she was very carefully not asking anything about my private life. I think she saw that I was still trying to fit back into my previous life."

"Or she decided that she wouldn't be able to remember so many names anyway."

Shikamaru didn't say anything. For Sakura's ears, each second of silence was more oppressive than the previous one.

Sakura bit her lip and caught Shikamaru's hand. He resisted her for a minute, then his hand opened and closed again around hers.

"Sorry," she said. "It's just... This is all rather complicated. It's strange that you slept with lots of other women and never even once asked me out."

"Sakura, you were always a hard nut to crack," Shikamaru said. "You don't do casual, you don't do one night stands, you're pretty hard to get to. I had no reason to suppose that Ino could give me any clues that would help me. When it comes to love affairs and dating and such, you are easily scared. The number of times I saw guys sauntering up to you, trying to get a date... The harder they pushed, the sooner they got the shove, or you just said something like 'oh, I forgot, I have to feed the Hokage's goldfish, they are very angry little beasts, half piranha actually, if they don't get fed in time they might try to eat Izumo when he opens the office in the morning, so I have to fly, bye!' "

Sakura rolled her eyes, but he was right. She hated to be pressured. The men who asked her for a date often behaved as if she _owed_ them a date just because they deigned to ask.

"So was it my fault?" Sakura said. "I should have been more... I don't know, available? Easy?"

"I don't know, Sakura," Shikamaru said. His eyes darkened. "I don't know what to do anymore. It just makes me wish I could turn back time."

"Why?" Sakura asked, trying to understand. It was not the first time he said that.

She looked down slowly. His hands were in fists again, one of them still a little bruised, with smears of dry, flaked blood on the knuckles.

"Because this is all my fucking fault, that's why," Shikamaru said in a sombre voice and rubbed his face tiredly. "I was always a very selfish man. I liked low maintenance relationships because it was easier that way. And now I'm completely out of my depth. I love you and I want to make you happy but I have no idea what I'm doing. I only know that in your eyes I'm probably not very heroic and it fills me with shame. If I could go back, maybe I'd have a slight chance to get it right from the start. There now, I said it."

"What do you mean?" Sakura asked uncertainly.

There was an angry flash in his eyes.

"Look at all this mess. The missed opportunities. I could have asked you out a hundred times in the past few years, and I never did. I could have given you the time you needed and do things by the book and spare you all the hurt and embarrassment – and I didn't. I was too tired or too lazy or too afraid to mess with the status quo. And then I got back from ANBU, and fate played this dirty trick on me. You know I never liked Uchiha and suddenly I found myself falling for his girl, no warning, no way out, no solution. I spent a lot of time wishing I were in his place. And then he just threw it all away! I couldn't believe my eyes. So when I got my chance at last, I decided to be very, very careful. And then, just for a change, _you_ started rushing things like there was no tomorrow."

"I know. It's not like me at all, is it? I think it was because I felt I was falling in love with you, and I wanted you to love me, too," Sakura said, her voice all eagerness and innocence.

"You just knock me off my feet, every time I look at you," Shikamaru whispered. "I feel like a minor character in a comedy. You know, the nerd or the fat guy who's living next door to the bombshell and is following her around hopelessly while she dates all the hottest bachelors in the office."

"You're the hottest bachelor in the office," she said.

"Yeah, because right now I'm the only one there. Thanks."

Sakura looked at him questioningly. Was this for real? Could he really think that way about himself?

"Shikamaru," she said gently. "Please listen to me. We can't change the past, but there's no need. Sasuke isn't your rival. He never was. What happened between him and me was something that had to be played out. To the bitter end, if you like. I think it was something like you had with Temari – you didn't want to let her go until the very last minute, until you were sure that all you could salvage from that relationship was being friends of a sort."

Shikamaru's face showed no emotion now whatsoever.

_This still hurts, doesn't it? I'll have to be very careful._

"Sasuke is a very cold and distant personality," Sakura continued. "People at first only see that beautiful face and the skills and the intelligence, and they persuade themselves that a loving, gentle heart must be part of the package, but it isn't. He isn't evil, but he's very confused and very unhappy. The only reason he asked me out was, I think, that with me he was on familiar ground and he knew I wouldn't expect him to be emotional and lovey-dovey. I admit that initially I thought there would be something more between us than just a casual relationship, because I didn't realize just how deep this lack of emotions went, and I felt angry and hurt when he cheated on me but I wasn't crying into my pillow every night since he left me."

She looked up at him, his serious face, his warm, troubled eyes.

"Trust me on this, Shikamaru. The worst thing you could do to me, to us, would be trying to be like him. If he's the hero in your movie, I'd rather go with the fat neighbour. Ino was right, you know? She could have chosen any other man, wealthier, more skilled, more handsome, but she wanted Chouji. You know him, better than anyone else. He has a gentle heart, he's a good man and a loyal friend. He'll be a good husband and father. I want the same for myself."

"Fine," Shikamaru said grudgingly. He cleared his throat. "I think I understand what you're saying. It's just… it felt such an awfully long time while I stood there, flattening my nose against the glass, wanting something I couldn't have. I think I forgot that you weren't a child anymore and you didn't need sugar roses and paper hearts. I never questioned that you wanted him as he was, riches and psycho traits and all."

Sakura smiled, relieved that now he understood her correctly.

"He's not that bad," she said quietly. "If he were, the Hokage would never have let him come back. I know there was a squad ready to be dispatched, even to the very last minute."

Shikamaru watched her, his face filled with that eerie calm, that unearthly peace - near the killing edge, ready to fight.

_He doesn't trust Sasuke and doesn't like him, and he remembers it all - when Sasuke left, and the years that followed when we were all sent out several times to deal with him. I haven't forgotten that Sasuke wounded me and tried to kill me. I haven't forgotten that I still loved him. I haven't forgotten that he wanted to destroy Konoha, and how people still hate him for that. But I haven't forgotten all those times either when he risked his life to save mine, when he had to make a choice and he killed Konoha's enemies instead of accepting an alliance with them. He's a dangerous man and always will be – but aren't we all dangerous? I have to make Shikamaru understand that things have changed – not when Sasuke left, but when he came back._

"You've never been to the Uchiha compound with him," she said slowly. "He can tell you stories about everyone - who lived where, their names, their looks, their habits. All through a four-year-old's eyes. 'Auntie Amaya used to live here. She always gave me a piece of candy when I was sent there with a message.' This type of thing."

She was silent for a minute, then said, "I never have to ask him where all these people are now. Because I know."

Shikamaru's eyes widened.

_Yes. They are all dead._

This was hard. She didn't want to hurt Shikamaru, but she had to make him understand why she was willing to put up with certain things. If they were going to be together, really together, not just for a short fling, Shikamaru must understand that Sasuke would always be family, whether he wanted it or not. Whether _she _wanted it or not.

"After Sasuke came back and once the dust settled, Naruto badgered him into cleaning up parts of the compound. By the time Sasuke said yes, I thought we'd need a team of builders, too. They flattened quite a lot of things. But Naruto never gave up. Anyway, we stayed there for the night, and we all slept in the same room in sleeping bags. It was like old times, you know? Then I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that Sasuke was not with us. I went out to see what happened."

Sakura still saw it all, like a scene in a movie – she, alone, wary and cold. A lonely figure on a dark, moonless night in a ghost village.

She swallowed noisily.

"We cleared up the family dojo the previous day – the one where... where his parents were killed," she whispered. "The blood had seeped so deeply in the floorboards we couldn't scrub them clean. He was sitting there alone on the floor... and he was stroking that piece of the floor where the bloodstains were. Because that's all he's got left of his parents. Of all his family."

She looked at Shikamaru, trying to plead without words for understanding, for forgiveness.

Shikamaru made a sad little grimace and held her close, and Sakura felt him kiss the top of her head.

"Fine," he said. "You're a much better person that I am, and I'll try hard to accept him as he is. Okay? But I won't let him hurt you. That's where I draw the line. If he tries, he deals with me, not you. Is that acceptable?"

"Yes," Sakura said.

_Shikamaru and I never met like strangers, _she thought._ We think we know each other but that's not quite true._

"I don't want to think any more about this," Shikamaru said. "I'll just say one last thing, okay? He doesn't make it easy for people to empathize with him."

"He hates to be pitied. I know a few others like him, by the way."

"Hmm."

"Hmm. Let's return to your movie. You're not the fat neighbour type, you know."

"Who am I, then?"

"The cute neighbour. The one the casting directors always have problems with – because it's hard to find an actor for the role who's handsome but not _too _handsome, and any girl can see anyway that he is much, much cuter than the main character, and we all want to see him get the girl in the end. So he's the real hero."

Shikamaru gave a relieved sigh.

"I might be able to manage the not-too-handsome part."

"What about the cuteness factor?"

"I might have problems in that department. What about some secret skills instead? I make really good coffee, for example."

"Yes. But that skill isn't very secret anymore. I tasted your coffee this morning."

"Damn."

"Well, we'll see tomorrow morning if you can repeat the performance and then I'll decide."

Shikamaru looked as if he suddenly got a letter from the Hokage informing him that he was officially appointed as Konoha's First Watcher of Clouds. There was a stupid grin on his face and his eyes were sparkling.

"What?" Sakura asked.

"It's just... from now on it will always be like this, won't it?" he asked.

Sakura knew what he meant.

"Yes. We'll have to go to work, of course, and there's my team and your team and our families and everything..."

"...but we'll be together," Shikamaru finished. "I still wish I asked you out sooner."

"Oh, never mind. In the end you invited me for a drink," she said. "So there, you get a bonus point. You set the ball rolling."

"You know I like to plan things well in advance. I kept telling myself that it was too soon, that there was no rush, that I should wait… But I wanted to be with you so much that I just blurted it out."

Sakura looked at him.

"Actually, I never would have thought that it would matter to you either way. You were so cool, so collected… With your hands in your pockets…"

Shikamaru chuckled.

"Yeah. My hands were in my pockets because they were shaking so much that I knew I couldn't light a cigarette, and God, I wanted to have a smoke so badly. Or rather run out and throw up somewhere on the corridor. And you just kept me waiting, never saying yes or no."

"Oh dear," Sakura said, amazed. "This is so romantic. I mean that you were secretly in love with me and you wanted me and never said a word and in the end it still happened…"

"You call it romantic, I call it ridiculous," Shikamaru said moodily.

"There's nothing ridiculous in it!"

"Yes, there is. Me, in the first place. Pining after another guy's fiancée, the guy being not only a jerk but the ultimate jerk. In fact, he could write The Complete Handmanual of Jerks, if he wanted. Maybe he already did. Maybe it's already in the shops and it's a bestseller."

"I'm not his fiancée! I never was! And stop talking about yourself that way or I'll hit you! You're not ridiculous and you never were!"

Shikamaru looked at Sakura, her eyes blazing, her small hands in fists.

"What, not a thought spared for Uchiha? I just called him a jerk."

Sakura shrugged.

"I don't date him anymore. You can call him anything you want."

"That's not what you said on that rooftop just a few hours ago," he pointed out.

"You weren't my boyfriend then and he's my teammate. Now you are, and you get name-calling rights," Sakura said matter-of-factly.

"Oh. So when I became your boyfriend I gained power? Like it happens in shogi?"

Sakura grinned. "Something like that. A big part of a figure's value consists of its position on the board, correct?"

Shikamaru grinned back, relieved.

"I can see that our evenings together might be even more fun together than I supposed."

"What, is shogi more interesting for you than sex?" Sakura asked indignantly.

Shikamaru looked at her, his eyes shining with amusement.

"I said evenings, child, not nights. I supposed that we might have a few minutes to spare every day when we come home and…"

"Fine, fine," Sakura mumbled.

Shikamaru grinned again and shook his head.

"And this from the girl who was supposed to produce frosty sheets galore. I was planning to switch off my air-conditioner in the summer and send you to bed instead, and now…"

_There's a limit to everything, even to his bloody cheek,_ Sakura thought and pinched his ass.

"Ouch! I thought you'd just punch my arm!"

"Always expect the unexpected," Sakura said with a sweet smile on her face.

_It's funny how we fall from one mood into another. Well, he probably didn't have a lot of laughs in ANBU. And then Sasuke and me – God, all those evenings when we were having dinner together and I only heard my own voice and he was sitting there and eating like a robot or a life-size model of a human being! _

Suddenly something caught Sakura's eye in a shopwindow that made her stop in the middle of the street and exclaim, "Oh! My mother's birthday! I forgot it completely!"

Shikamaru frowned.

"No, that's impossible," he said slowly. "You mentioned it a few weeks ago and said that it was in the summer – June, if I'm correct. How could you forget it? That's more than two months from now."

Sakura shook her head impatiently. "No, you don't understand! It's the paisley scarf! Oh… oh! And your lab coat!"

"And a sewing machine and a fishing rod and a dozen pounds of rice," Shikamaru said drily. "Sure, now it's all clear."

"Oh, don't make fun of me!" Sakura said, too surprised to be really angry. "I mean I can answer your question that you asked me at least five times today – I know when I started to fall in love with you, except that I didn't know then, and I…"

"Wait, wait," Shikamaru said. "Tell me in plain words, will you? I'm just a man."

Sakura laughed. The way he was standing there, trying to seem cool and reserved but so unsure, so eager to know…

"I love you," she said and beamed at him, unaware of the people passing them and slowing down, and their amused smiles and headshakes. "I love you so much and I'm so happy that you love me, too…"

Shikamaru blushed and then very gently cupped her face in his palms.

"Yes," he whispered, every word a caress. "Yes. I love you, too. Although I'm still afraid that I'll wake up soon and realize it was all just a dream."

They were watching each other, everything else forgotten for the moment.

"So, the scarf," Sakura said in an excited almost-whisper. "About two weeks ago I saw a paisley scarf in a shopwindow not far from here, and I thought, what a great present that would be for mother! And then… then I thought that I should ask someone else's opinion, maybe show them the scarf… and I thought of you first. Then I thought of Sasuke, and I remember thinking, he wouldn't be interested, and I don't mind, because I don't really care about his opinion, but I care about yours… and then…"

She looked away.

"I got into the lab early," she whispered. "I kept thinking about the scarf and whether you'd like it, and then I realized that I only had a few weeks left with you, maybe a month, if I was lucky, and then… then you'd be back in the code department and I'd be back in the hospital and you'd never ever come to see me – I'm just an acquintance, not a teammate, a close friend… and I felt so scared and unhappy and…"

"And?" Shikamaru asked softly.

"Your lab coat was hanging next to the window where you always put it," Sakura said miserably. "I was so unhappy that I… I just buried my face into it and cried and cried. Silly, huh? I should have known that I was… I was starting to… but it was different, it was nothing like before…"

She couldn't look at Shikamaru. This was about as far from romantic and as close to simply idiotic as she could imagine.

"I had a good cry and then I thought that it was probably because Sasuke and I were having problems and I was overreacting to other things, too…"

"Oh, sweetheart," Shikamaru whispered. "My darling. Did you really think that you didn't mean anything to me, that you were just a casual acquintance? That I cared so little about you that I would never come to see you?"

Sakura looked up at him, remembering the doubts and the fear and the resigned sadness – _Why should he care about me? Why? –_ and saw plainly in his face the dark hunger and the passion and the will to possess, and her knees felt weak.

How on earth could he keep all this from her all the time they worked together?

"Why didn't you ever tell me before?" she blurted out.

Shikamaru didn't try to pretend that he had no idea what she was talking about.

"I didn't want to fall in love with you, I told you. It just happened. If denial was a country, I wanted to live there, thank you very much."

"Oh. Why didn't you want to fall in love with me?"

Shikamaru looked at the sky and then looked back at Sakura. There was no bitterness or hate in his eyes.

"Because you belonged to somebody else," he said quietly. "And it looked as if it was going to stay like that for a long, long time. I wanted you, Sakura. _You._ Not your pity or your understanding or your sympathy. You. If I couldn't have you, I didn't want to be a subject to be discussed at your dinner table for your boyfriend's amusement."

"I wouldn't have…!"

"No? Well, excuse me, then. But I still can't see what good it could have been if I told you. I don't like Uchiha but I can see the way women look at him. A situation like this, falling for someone who is already engaged to a man who's rich, handsome, talented and…"

"We weren't engaged," Sakura interrupted him.

"No?" Shikamaru asked, surprised. "Oh. Naruto told me weeks ago that you were – to be exact, he said that Uchiha had already popped the question, you two were just waiting for a special occasion to tell everyone else. Every day you came in, I had to steel myself – you know, if maybe this was the day when I'd see that damn ring on your finger."

"Oh Naruto," Sakura sighed, more exasperated than embarrassed. "You should know him by now. He always believes what he wants to believe."

"So you didn't…?" Shikamaru asked.

"No," Sakura said. "I have no idea why Naruto said that. The only thing I can think of is that he's thinking about marrying Hinata. Naruto always supposes that the rest of the world must want to do the same as him in any given situation."

"Fucking hell," Shikamaru said angrily. "I was so jealous and unhappy and angry and... Oh, that's the last straw! I might have tried to do something otherwise, but trying to seduce another man's fiancée... Oh God! I want to kick Naruto! Hell, I want to kick him nine times, once for each tail!"

Their mouths were close and then Shikamaru's eyes flashed and he pulled her even closer and his mouth was on hers and he was full of fire and need and want and she opened her mouth to him and he took for himself all he wanted.

When he let her go they heard a wolf whistle and someone clapping.

Sakura's face was burning and Shikamaru raised his head in a way that was meant to tell anybody nearby that they had better mind their own business or else, but then he gave a little half-smile.

"I should have known it was you. Say, I would never understand how a lady like her with good taste and good manners would choose a useless git like you," Shikamaru said with a wink. "Life, indeed, is full of wonders."

"I'd like to make some new holes on you with my senbon and not all of them would be on your ears. The only thing holding me back is that Sakura would then probably tear me to pieces," a man's voice answered, followed by a laugh.

"Don't mind him, Shikamaru," a female voice said. "I only keep him around because he opens the bottles of wine when we have guests and he can reach the upper shelves of the kitchen cupboard. I don't actually listen when he speaks, and I advise you to do the same."

Sakura turned to see the people standing behind her.

"Oh, hello, Shizune," she said happily. "Hello, Genma-san."

"See, Nara? Just like I told you, huh? The best thing in the world is a med-nin in your…life?" Genma said with a leer.

Sakura was sure that the word he originally wanted to use was not life. Arms, maybe. Or bed.

Shizune probably thought the same because, fast as a rattlesnake, her hand appeared and smacked the back of Genma's head, then disappeared behind her back again. It took only a second and her face didn't change a bit, her peaceful, smiling expression stayed the same.

"Ouch!"

"It seems to me you don't need my girlfriend to beat you, Shiranui," Shikamaru commented. "You've got your own."

"Oh, just shut up, Shikamaru," Sakura said. "Stop riling him, it's unfair."

"But I just…"

"What did I just say?" Sakura asked. She and Shizune exchanged weary looks and shook their heads.

_Really, it's as if they were both twelve,_ Sakura thought with a sigh. _And I used to think that Naruto and Sai were immature!_

"Thank you, Sakura," Genma said with a bow. "You are a wonderful woman and a gentle soul. Nara doesn't deserve you and I will remind him of that simple fact every possible time I can."

"You will just shut your mouth now," Shizune informed him with a smile and turned to Sakura. "I haven't seen you for a while."

"Yes, it's all this lab work. We keep long hours. But in two weeks' time at the most I'll be back on hospital duty."

"Oh, I think we have some catching up to do till then. Would you and Shikamaru like to come to dinner at my place some time next week?"

"Oh yes, we'd love to," Sakura said, beaming. She hadn't seen Shizune for weeks, not even passing, and she missed her company. Then she realized that Shikamaru might not want to go – Sasuke preferred to stay at home whenever it was possible, except if it was some extra training with Naruto. Maybe Shikamaru felt the same. "Oh, Shikamaru, I hope you don't mind – if you don't want to, it's…"

"I'd love to," Shikamaru said, looking at her. His voice was gentle, his touch on her arm even gentler. "When?"

"Oh, I'll have to take a look at my hospital schedule," Shizune said. "Either Tuesday or Wednesday, I'll let you know."

"Either one is okay with us," Shikamaru said. "Thanks for the invitation."

Genma and Shizune said good-bye and they started walking again.

"How did they know we were a couple?" Sakura asked.

"Oh, you mean beside watching us making out in full daylight in the middle of the street? I think that might be a pointer in itself but, of course, I might be wrong."

"No, really!" Sakura insisted.

Shikamaru looked at her, raised an eyebrow and started to count on his fingers. "Ino. Chouji. Tenten. Hinata. And all the people who saw us this morning and then saw us again this afternoon. What Genma and Shizune saw was just confirmation of the latest village news."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

He chuckled and shook his head.

"Most of my ANBU buddies would just throw a fit if they saw me like this – laughing in the street and kissing a girl and everything!"

"Oh, so I'm cramping your style, am I? Shikamaru Nara, cool as an iceberg, king of whatever, suddenly looks almost human!" Sakura said happily.

"I don't mind," Shikamaru said. He looked around furtively as if making sure nobody saw him act like this, then he put his hands in his pockets and raised his face toward the sky with an expression of utmost indifference and started to whistle.

Sakura laughed and punched his arm.

"Ouch!"

"What now? Last time you wanted me to punch your arm," Sakura said innocently.

"Is this how you intend to make me happy?" Shikamaru asked. "Beating me up in public? Kinky."

"Oh no," Sakura said. "I would never do that. But talking about happiness, there's the boutique that we're going to visit. Cross the street with me, there's a good boy."

"Oh, the fun," Shikamaru said and grimaced. "The only thing that will keep me alive while I suffer in there is the thought that no matter what you choose, after dinner I can take it off you."

"Oh, you'll help me choose the dress, mister such-a-drag, don't forget that," Sakura said. "So you can start thinking about whether you want me to wear something long with a complicated design that will take ages to remove or one of those dresses that contain hardly more material than a ribbon but the price seems to be based on the amount of the material missing from it."

"Choices, choices," Shikamaru said with a grin.

The Elegant Kunoichi sold all kinds of outfits of quality. Kagura, the owner had her own views about how and what to sell and the merchandize was arranged according to her taste. She insisted on calling the shop "her tiny boutique" – never mind that it was a shop that offered all kinds of goods on three levels of the same building, selling anything and everything a kunoichi would need.

It was on the ground floor near the entrance where the evening dresses and other pricey items were on display – it was the equivalent of those restaurants where celebrities were always seated near the windows. The kunoichi outfits and special equipment were sold on the first floor and the second floor – Kagura's reasoning being that a kunoichi would probably want assistance and audience for choosing a dress for a grand occasion, but would prefer to select mission and training clothes and equipment in relative peace and silence. The ground floor was full of mirrors and gilded ornaments and chandeliers and marble floors and red carpet (it looked, in Ino's words, "a cross between a museum and a bordello"), while the upper floors were much simpler, more businesslike. Even the shopping bags were different – the shopping bags for the kunoichi clothing and accessories were nondescript beige bags, strong enough to hold any kind of equipment, while evening dresses and other fancy items were always packed in golden shopping bags that proudly sported the characters and logo for Elegant Kunoichi.

Most customers agreed with Kagura's philosophy and frequented the shop just as much for the fun of it as for the actual purpose of buying a dress. The shop now had the usual amount of girls looking for the perfect dress on a Saturday afternoon in a haste, in the only shop whose owner was clever enough to have it open – in other words, it was a controlled chaos. Kagura-san, the owner was sitting behind her desk in the corner and directing the salesgirls with only a look or a nod or a headshake.

Sakura didn't buy dresses often, but Ino did, so Sakura was familiar with the shop. Shikamaru also came here sometimes – not of his own free will, of course, but when Ino wanted him to help her, he was dragged here without mercy for all his cursing and whining. The fact that now they came here very much together also meant that there was a morsel of juicy gossip for the other customers to relish, Sakura thought. She wasn't surprised when the heads turned toward them and people started whispering.

"We are still news," Shikamaru said quietly.

"Yes," Sakura said happily. "You are mine and I love it and if we meet any ANBU girls, I have the right to go up to them and tell them that now you're my boyfriend and you're off limits and if anyone thinks otherwise..."

"You can meet them on ground three for a little sparring," Shikamaru cut in. "Fair enough. I'm going to do the same with men. Any problems with that?"

Sakura shook her head.

"There aren't any men here beside you, but when we get out of here you can start beating up anybody who even looks at me. I couldn't care less."

"Blood-thirsty little chit."

"But don't get your pretty face bashed in. I want to have a good time at the Golden Dragon instead of putting ice on your bruises at home."

"Blood-thirsty, heartless little chit."

Sakura looked around and saw Kagura nodding toward them. She nodded back. Kagura whispered something to the salesgirl standing next to her who disappeared in the crowd then, a minute later, miraculously appeared next to them and greeted them by name and offered her help.

Shikamaru didn't waste any time.

"We'd like to choose a nice dress for the lady," he said. He didn't seem nervous, his behaviour was calm and polite. Ino must have brought him here as unpaid companion and personal manservant more times than she was aware of, Sakura realized.

"A coctail dress would be best," Shikamaru continued. "No black and no white. Most pastel shades don't do justice to her natural colours, if you see what I mean, so let's skip those, too. Her favourite colours are red and green. She doesn't like too short or too long skirts, her taste is more conservative than extravagant, and she doesn't like sequins. Could you help us choose something within those limits?"

The salesgirl flashed a smile at them and nodded, then glided away in that peculiar smooth way that only flight attendants, aristocrats and salesgirls of elegant boutiques are capable of.

_Wow, _Sakura thought. _Is he channeling Ino or was a course on women's fashion part of the seduction squad training?_

_That's not the most important question you should ask, _Inner said in a bored voice. _The most important question is, is he the coolest guy on this planet or what? Enjoy your fifteen minutes of fame, girlie. Although the way I see it, some of these bitches would kill you this very minute and grab him if they thought they could get away with it. _

Sakura glanced around furtively and realized that Inner was right - as usual. Some of the women were watching Shikamaru, but lots of others were watching _her _with a calculating look.

_What does she have that we don't? _

Sakura briefly considered standing on a chair and announcing that she had no idea what Shikamaru saw in her, it was just a touch of fluke, really, but concluded that this might have just the opposite effect than what she intended and she didn't want to die in a spontaneous outburst of female rage. What's more, it would really spoil Shizune's evening if she had to examine Sakura's corpse.

_Suffocation by a dozen evening dresses. What a way to go._

She shook her head to clear her thoughts.

In a minute the salesgirl returned with a bunch of dresses that she carefully laid out on the counter in front of them. There was a short crimson dress with a ruffled skirt, a deep blue evening gown that had practically no back and a light violet silk dress with spaghetti straps. All the dresses were Sakura's size, she could see that - the salesgirls here were really, really good at what they were doing. Sizing up a customer both literally and figuratively was part of their job, and Kagura only wanted - and hired - the best.

Sakura eyed the dresses uncertainly. Any of them would do, but…

From the corner of her eye she saw Shikamaru take a long and careful look at each dress, then give a definite shake of his head.

_He doesn't like them. Now what?_

"I have something that you will like," the salesgirl said. She wasn't looking at Sakura but Shikamaru when she went back to the rows of dresses.

The dress she returned with was a beautiful colour. She offered the dress to Sakura - it was a mêlée of green, turquoise and blue, and as it was hanging down from the salesgirl's arm, it seemed to flutter like the sea in a breeze. It was a very simple design, a tight V-neck top with a floating skirt, but the material of the dress was twisted in several places, and little wisps of some very light, veil-like material covered the skirt so that it seemed to bathe in a green-and-blue mist.

Shikamaru nodded.

Sakura took the dress from the salesgirl and walked into one of the dressing cubicles, pulled the curtain closed, took off her cotton dress and put on the new one, then took a deep breath and looked in the mirror.

She thought that it would be one of those transformations like in the movies – perfect hair, perfect skin. But in this dress she still looked like herself, except she was somehow _more_ herself. She seemed more like the girl that she used to be before she became a kunoichi – shy, sweet, innocent, trusting. There were all the scars and all the uncertainty and every little flaw and every weakness that she could still see in herself, but at the same time in a strange and special way these were all part of this beautiful young girl who was Sakura Haruno, and she could see how Shikamaru could fall in love with her.

_He loves me as I am, _Sakura thought. _He can see me for what I am. _

She stepped out of the cubicle.

Shikamaru's eyes went wide but he didn't smile. He was looking at her in a way that was closer to fear that anything else.

"Is it that bad?" Sakura asked in a shy voice. _I looked good in the mirror, I know I did, but his face... He doesn't look happy. I thought he would be happy._

"Sakura," Shikamaru whispered. "Oh my God. Oh my dear God."

"If you don't like it, just say so," Sakura said with trembling lips. It didn't matter that she loved this dress. If he didn't like it, that was it. Maybe the light was different out here.

"What are you talking about?" Shikamaru asked, surprised. "I never saw anybody in my life quite as beautiful as you. I can't believe that you're willing to date me. And this dress... if it could talk it would whisper 'I was waiting for you all this time, take me home or I'll die here!' "

"Really?" Sakura asked.

Shikamaru nodded and turned to the salesgirl.

"I think we'll take that," he said.

"It's a wonderful dress," the girl agreed and automatically pulled the back of the skirt down a little so that the hem would be straight. Sakura felt like a little girl, getting her first real 'grown-up' dress.

_She'd just have to say 'my, how you've grown, Sakura!', and it would be perfect._

"... and no wonder, it's a Misaki dress, but not everyone has the figure to wear it, that's all I say," the salesgirl said.

"A Misaki?" Sakura interrupted. She wasn't that familiar with fashion but she knew this name. Misaki was an up-and-coming designer, and Ino had wanted a Misaki dress for ages. She felt all the joy pouring out of her, as if there was a tiny hole somewhere on her skin and she could only watch helplessly as her happiness was draining out and disappearing into nowhere. If Ino wanted a dress like this but couldn't afford it, Ino, who could spend her whole salary on clothes and make-up...

"Oh, but I..."

Shikamaru and the salesgirl both looked at her, frowning.

One of the women behind her back whispered something to her friend who giggled.

_It doesn't matter, _ Sakura thought. _They can probably spend as much on a dress as they want. I can't. This is a designer dress. I should have known. Well, the ball was nice, Cinderella, as short as it was, but now it's time to return to reality._

"I'm sorry but I can't afford that," she said quietly. "It is a lovely dress, but..."

Shikamaru interrupted her. "And who said _you_ were going to pay for it? That's what I'd like to know."

Suddenly the shop became much less noisy than a minute ago, then the whispering started again.

Shikamaru pulled a credit card out of his vest pocket and handed it to the salesgirl over Sakura's shoulder.

"We'll take it. And she'll need shoes and an evening bag, too. And maybe a scarf or a shawl? Something in harmonizing colours, if you please."

Whispers, whispers, whispers.

Then, looking at Sakura, Shikamaru added with a wicked smile, "One. First of ten, if I remember correctly. The rest we'll keep for a more appropriate time and place."

Whispers again. Questioning looks on some of the faces. Shrugs. Whispers, whispers, whispers.

Sakura blushed, then laughed, then blushed again, then said, "But you can't buy me something like that! It's terribly, terribly expensive!"

"Woman, I hope you don't think you can tell me what to do," Shikamaru said, and added darkly, "I have my mother trying to do that all the time, and it's a drag."

Sakura flew to him and kissed him several times and said, "Oh thank you. Thank you very much. This dress is so beautiful, it's just so... so... Oh, thank you!"

_And you _are_ going to the ball, Cinderella! So there!_

She took the dress off in the cubicle and put on her rose-coloured one and then the salesgirl took the green dress away to put it in a box with a thousand sheets of fine paper and then she was shown all kinds of sandals and shoes and bags and a beautiful light green scarf embroidered with tiny golden flowers... and she was nodding and smiling, but all the while she was watching Shikamaru's face from the corner of her eye.

It wasn't just the dress. No. It was also the way he bought it for her – he wasn't telling her what a nuisance it was, he wasn't impatient or condescending, he didn't say anything about vanity and women and all the superfluous, useless things they were willing to pay for.

She was happy and he did everything in his power to make this happiness last.

She knew this face, this look. It was just a few months ago that Kurenai asked her to babysit Aiko for a day, and she was glad to - her team was not in Konoha and she happened to have a lot of free time with Sasuke absent -, and when she mentioned that to Ino, she said she would come, too, and then somehow Shikamaru appeared unexpectedly in the last minute and Kurenai shook her head and laughed, but Sakura could tell that she was glad that they all loved her baby girl so.

They went to the park together and then had lunch and in the afternoon they took Aiko to the fun fair. When she saw the carousel she started shouting. She was so excited that half her words came out in babytalk, and Shikamaru laughed and said that yes, she could sit on a horsey.

After the sixth time Ino and Sakura felt both dizzy just watching her, but Shikamaru just smiled and said that as long as the child was feeling happy, he would keep paying. And he did. The first stars already appeared in the sky and Aiko still didn't get bored and didn't get dizzy and didn't get tired. In the end she finally decided to get off, slightly bow-legged and still rapturously happy, and said very politely, "Thank you, Uncle Shika, but I'm hungry now, can I have some ramen?" Shikamaru smiled again and said yes, of course, and praised her for being such a good girl.

The look on his face then was exactly like the way he looked now.

_He loves me,_ Sakura thought, and she was surprised that with this thought there still came a sudden rush of joy that filled her heart. _He loves Aiko too, just as if she were his own child. But he doesn't love Kurenai. He likes her, but he doesn't love her. _

She never saw Shikamaru look at Kurenai with _longing_, she could see that now_._ There was gentleness there, yes. Friendship and understanding, yes. But no longing.

When everything was chosen and swiftly and efficiently packed and paid for and even Kagura herself stood up and strolled up to them with her elegant walk and perfectly made-up face and shrewd eyes and wished them a very pleasant evening (which, Sakura thought guiltily, was in itself a sure sign of what a hair-raising amount of money Shikamaru must have spent on her), they left the shop and Shikamaru said in a satisfied voice, "Well, that was over sooner than I thought. I was sure I would have to drag you out of there kicking and screaming."

"Oh, don't be silly," Sakura said, still trying to find her balance both physically and emotionally. Going shopping with Shikamaru turned out to be a lot more glamorous than she was ready for. "I wanted a dress and I got it and thank you very much again, but thank you, that's all. I'm not Ino."

"And for that I am truly grateful. Is it all right if now I walk you back to your place or do you need to do something else?"

"Like what?"

"I have no idea. Hairdresser? Beautician? Emergency session with your girlfriends?"

Sakura stopped and looked at him.

"Huh?"

He seemed to be serious but with Shikamaru it was impossible to tell for sure.

"I already washed my hair," Sakura said carefully, wondering what deviant thoughts he had on his mind. "And I usually don't wear that much make-up, so I can manage that on my own. And my girlfriends already know that I'm with you, so if there's a gossip session that will come tomorrow or the day after. Was this a tricky question of some kind?"

Shikamaru grinned like crazy.

"No, it wasn't a tricky question. So, I'll walk you home then let you get ready in peace and solitude because I, on the other hand, have something important to do and it can't wait."

"Huh? What?" Sakura asked, still unsure if this was all a joke.

"I have to buy hundreds of joss sticks and burn one in every temple on my way home. You are clearly the gift of the gods and I had better show all of them how grateful I am," Shikamaru said in a serious voice. There was a funny glint in his eyes.

Sakura had no idea what to say.

They started walking back to her flat. The Weekend of Love Songs was still in full swing, as the radio blasting in a grocery store nearby made it obvious to everyone.

_It's the light that just keeps shining day after day_

_When other loves have come and gone _

_I'll be here with open arms to take you in..._

Some of the shops were still open. There was something in the back of her mind, wanting to come out, something to do with… joss sticks? Temples? Luck? Love songs?

"Oh! There! Come on, Shikamaru, it's still open!" she cried and pulled Shikamaru after her. "Hurry up!"

It was a tiny jeweller's shop, and Shikamaru's eyes grew enormous when he saw where Sakura was heading but he had no chance to protest.

Sakura looked at him, saw his eyes darting this way and that and laughed. "Come on, you don't have to spend any more money on me!"

She pulled him into the shop. The owner, a wizened old man whose broken thumb she had once healed ("I dropped a hammer on it! Not hit it with a hammer, mind you – I wanted to put the damn thing in its place and I dropped it and it broke my thumb! How on earth am I supposed to work like that? Can you heal that, miss?") recognized her at once. "Haruno-san! What a pleasure to see you!"

"Is the shop still open, Matsumoto-san?"

"My shop is always open for you, Haruno-san," the old man said chivalrously. "What is your heart's desire? A necklace? A bracelet? A… ring, maybe?"

From the corner of her eye Sakura saw Shikamaru stiffen.

"No," she said hurriedly. "It's not for me, you see. It's for my boyfriend."

"Oh! Oh! What did you have in mind, Haruno-san?"

"But I don't…" Shikamaru began hesitatingly but Sakura already found what she wanted. She remembered these small pendants from one of her previous visits. There were a lot of them, all kinds of shapes and designs and symbols that people usually love to wear for luck, among them the Chinese characters of the most important words of Tao Te Ching.

Sakura always liked the more ornate original Chinese characters more than the modernized Japanese equivalents with their clean, simplified look. The Chinese characters were more alive, more real, although they were less elegant.

The pull was so strong, so undisputable that she felt it unthinkable to try and rationalize it. She had to buy one of these for him. One day it might be important, or maybe it would be just a memory in the years to come. It didn't matter.

Now the only important thing was to choose the right one, the one that was his.

_Which one should it be? Something connected with him, something that appeals to him._

Harmony. Insight. Simplicity. Oh, here was Subtlety – this also meant mysterious or profound.

_He is mysterious all right, but he doesn't need me to tell him that. _

There were other characters that seemed popular – there was more than one kind of those, different sizes and materials. Power. Leader. Influence. The ever-present Love.

Then Sakura saw a pendant that her heart seemed to recognize sooner than her eyes – her hand closed around it before she had time to think it over. It was a silver pendant on a thin unadorned silver necklace that looked as if it were made of water.

Sakura held the pendant between her hands and closed her eyes for a minute. When she was a child, she often saw her mother do the same thing with small objects, gifts for Sakura or her father – earrings, a watch, a belt. Always something they would wear, but never a weapon, never something that could kill.

It was as if her mother wanted to pour some of herself into the thing, to turn it into a magic object, a talisman that would protect them.

Sakura never understood it until this moment but now it was as if there was some hidden power pouring into her from these memories and, through her, into the pendant.

_Listen to my prayers, oh gods. I love this man. Please, light his path in the dark and protect him from harm. Please._

She opened her eyes then unclasped the necklace and stood on tiptoe to put it around Shikamaru's neck.

His eyes flickered to the pendant, then back to her face and his expression softened.

Sakura secured the clasp and stood back to see it better.

The character _Home_ glittered in the artifical light.

The pendant looked very small and vulnerable on the rough material of the flak vest.

"It's not a big thing," she said, her voice uncertain. "But sometimes a small thing may mean all the difference in the world. We're both shinobi and we go where we are sent. But this will remind you that I'm here and waiting for you, that you are in my thoughts and in my heart. Always. When there's nothing else left, I hope this will bring you back to Konoha. To your family, to your friends… and to me."

Shikamaru opened his arms and pulled her into an embrace that almost crushed her.

For all his politeness Matsumoto-san was probably glad that now he could close the shop, because as soon as Sakura paid and they left, the door was closed behind them and the blinds rolled down on the shopwindows.

The moment they stepped out on the street, Shikamaru took hold of the pendant and quickly pulled down the zip of his vest a little. The pendant disappeared and the zip was up again and he was as always – calm, bored, distant.

Sakura watched him lovingly.

_That's Shikamaru Nara in one move, _she thought. _He'll wear my gift next to his skin and never take it off. But he'll never show it to anyone, either. My darling._

Shikamaru turned back and took one more look at the shop, his face inscrutable.

_He's thinking fast. What is it? Is something wrong?_

Then he turned back to Sakura, saw her expression and shook his head a little.

_Everything's fine._

There was a look on his face that Sakura just couldn't figure out. His eyes were sparkling but he looked neither happy nor sad. The best way to describe it was _intense._

_Is it some kind of plan? A decision he finalized? _

The way he looked was the same kind of look as when he figured out a difficult problem and decided what steps to take – a combination of inner satisfaction and resolution, the will to see something to an end.

Shikamaru looked in her eyes and slowly shook his head again.

_I could solve the riddle. The parts of the puzzle are here somewhere – but he doesn't want me to. He'd like me to leave it well alone._

Somehow this reminded Sakura of Lee and the first weeks when they started dating. Lee wanted to know everything about her, all she thought or felt, be with her all the time. It was a lucky thing that he understood that work for her was of utmost priority, just like training was for him. Otherwise the situation would have become unbearable in a few short days.

_I'll leave him alone. He doesn't have to share all his secrets with me. _

She smiled at him and said, "So you'll walk me home now?"

His smile was sweet.

"But I'll just say goodbye on the steps."

"Ooooh," Sakura said, a wicked look in her eyes. "You're afraid that I'll seduce you again and we'll be late for dinner."

"Afraid isn't the best word, but yes, you do have a tendency to crash all my plans in a heartbeat."

"You said something like that before, I remember… but I have no idea what you meant."

Shikamaru obviously found this very funny.

"Look at all that happened since yesterday. Do you think that it was me, evil genius strategist that I am, who planned all this? Hell, anything I planned, you turned it upside down, broke it to pieces, and then built a fire on the ruins and started to whistle!"

"What?" Sakura shrieked. "I never…!"

"Yes, yes, you did. And stop shouting, all the people in the street think I've made an indecent proposal."

"None of your proposals can be indecent, it's logically impossible! You're my boyfriend!" Sakura shouted, still irked by his remarks.

Heads turned toward them and Shikamaru grinned.

"Thanks for clearing this up, Sakura. My virtue is unblemished and stands as an example for all generations to follow. Now, would you please lower your voice?"

"You're impossible!" Sakura fumed. "And I want to know what you meant with all these plans and fires and whistling."

"I'm irritating, I'm willing to admit that, but I'm not impossible. And I'm sorry, for a moment I forgot that you think in images and metaphors tend to mislead you. Ask away in plain terms and I'll answer."

Sakura furrowed her eyebrows. Was Shikamaru saying that he was just as surprised by this turn of events as she was? But he had weeks to ponder about all this, did he never make a plan? That was unlikely, to say the least.

"So when you invited me for a drink, was that a seduction squad plan?" she said slowly.

Shikamaru was horrified. "God, no," he said. "It was just... it was Friday evening, we were working late, and you seemed even sadder than usual. I only heard what happened with you and Uchiha about three days ago or so. You never said a word, and…"

"I was so embarrassed," Sakura murmured. "I didn't even tell Ino."

"I see," Shikamaru said quietly. "I was sure your heart was broken. I thought maybe you could use a shoulder to cry on. That was all, I swear. I wanted to hold you in my arms and tell you what an idiot he was, but I was afraid to do even that. And before you ask something stupid again, no, I didn't use any tricks to get you in my bed. No secret techniques, I can assure you. I just wanted to talk to you, cheer you up a bit, and then... Bang, surprise number one. The girl of my dreams in her usual innocent way tells me sex is something she never considered pleasant and asks me to teach her how to do it properly. Thinking back, it seems strange that I didn't fall on the floor writhing and foaming at the mouth."

He coughed and looked Sakura in the eye.

"I was even thinking of refusing to... to get intimate with you but I couldn't see how it could go wrong, and... well, by then I was surprised I was able to think at all, if you know what I mean."

"I can imagine," Sakura whispered and couldn't hold back a giggle.

"Yes. Then, surprise number two. Last night I was lying next to you, thinking about how to go on, maybe tell you that I kind of like you, maybe just offer... I don't know what, my heart, my soul, or any other less noble part of my being that you might be interested in, including free usage of all my body parts, at your service, with the possibility of you walking all over me afterwards with a free kick in my ribs if you feel like it - and then you say you want to date me. Seriously, you could have knocked me down with a feather. I mean, if I weren't lying already. And then this morning..."

He looked at Sakura again. "I just didn't want to let you go," he said. "I didn't. I was sure that if I did, then the gods would look down from their abode and realize that you weren't supposed to be here, with me, not like this, and something awful would happen. And then, bang, third surprise, this time from my own creative impulses. Hell."

He scratched his neck, embarrassed. Sakura just listened.

"...Ibiki has been pestering me for ages about this new coding system he wanted for the Interrogation department, and last week that asshole sent me a kunai, and there was a message with it, something like if he didn't get at least a taste of what this new system would look like, he would put this kunai somewhere so deep where not only the sun doesn't shine but my own shadows would be lost in the darkness... anyway, there we are, sitting at the breakfast table, our first morning together, and then I just see Ibiki's goddamn fucking system in front of myself, clear as daylight! There goes my plan to spend the morning with you, just because you said something about dreams a moment ago."

"So that was what you were scribbling about this morning!" Sakura exclaimed. "I see!" She added as an afterthought, "Ibiki surely does have a strange system of incentives."

Shikamaru chuckled. "You could say that. But my point is, I was ready to throw the whole idea away, you just had to say the word, but you were so sweet, patient and silent and everything, reading that damn book next to me, and it was as I always imagined things should be with a girl."

Sakura looked at him, not quite sure what he meant. "I could see that it was something important," she said. "I know how these things go, if you don't catch it while it's fresh in your mind, then it just disappears."

Shikamaru kissed her brow.

"That's exactly what I mean."

He took a big breath.

"For the first time in ages, I wasn't alone. I don't mean without-people-alone, but nobody-understands-me alone. I didn't want to mess it up. So after that every time I felt the urge to push things a bit, I held back with all my might, because I didn't want to frighten you away."

"Is that why you told that blonde waitress in the teashop that I was your friend?"

Shikamaru sighed.

"What I really wanted to say was, 'she's my girlfriend and if you put your hand on my arm again, I'll break your fingers', and she knew it, I'm sure."

Sakura laughed. This was like re-reading a detective story and contemplating all the clues.

"So you don't like her?" she teased him.

Shikamaru's eyes flashed dark fire.

"Do you find that funny?" he asked coldly. "Is she my type, do you think? Someone who wears a low-cut blouse without a bra so that she would get a bigger tip from male guests?"

Sakura tipped her head to one side.

"I have no idea," she said sweetly. "How many girls did you say you had in the last six months?"

Shikamaru blushed, embarrassed.

"Never mind," Sakura said. "I'm not going to hold that against you. It's just funny. I wish I had a thousand lovers, too."

"No," Shikamaru said. "No, no, no. Very bad idea."

Sakura found this extremely amusing.

"Well, then I'll have to trust your judgement on this," she said and fluttered her eyelashes. "You're older and more experienced and you're a man. I'm just a young girl, what do I know of things like that?"

Shikamaru looked at her suspiciously.

"What now?" Sakura asked.

"I like it better when you're angry," Shikamaru said sincerely. "Then I know I can dodge your fist if I'm quick enough or apologize and just disappear from view. But this is scary."

Sakura burst out laughing.

"Well, maybe one man will be enough, after all. I can't say I'm bored."

She thought a little, then added, "I wasn't very happy with Sasuke but he wasn't happy, either. Maybe he was just as bored as I was. I hope he'll be happier with that girl."

"Well, in a minute you'll be able to see for yourself whether that's true or not," Shikamaru said, his voice strangely colourless. "Because here they come."


	12. Chapter 12

Sakura thought at first that Shikamaru was talking about her team, back from rearranging the training ground once again, but then she caught a glimpse of a couple in the crowd – a man with black hair and a girl on his arm. She was young, curvy, pretty, with long, dark hair and a wide, white smile that she was directing exclusively toward her companion.

Sakura was frightened for a minute. Not jealous, not angry, not embarrassed – frightened. Almost in panic. And it had nothing to do with the girl.

_God, what an awful marriage that would have been,_ she thought suddenly. _I see him on the street when I didn't expect him, and I'm not sad or happy or excited or anything. I'm scared._

She looked up at Shikamaru and felt power and strength and warmth pour back into her. He was watching the other couple, too, his eyes narrowed, his face registering distaste.

_He would stand by me, no matter what, even if he wasn't sure I loved him._

She smiled up at him, her heart full of love and wonder.

Shikamaru smiled back at her, a surprised, grateful smile.

_He still thinks I might be grieving for Sasuke. Shika. My darling. Stupid, jealous oaf. Of course, when I fell in love with Shikamaru, I didn't have to watch a bitch parading on his arm. I'd be jealous, too. My poor, sweet boy. _

"She looks a bit like you, the way you used to be," Shikamaru murmured.

"Huh?"

Sakura's eyes flashed back at her ex and That Woman.

What was Shikamaru playing at? The girl couldn't differ more from her even if she wore a wig, braces and a pink tutu, Sakura thought. Sasuke's new lover was petite and tanned and dark-haired and her face was round and her eyes blue.

"Sakura."

The dry voice could only belong to one person on this planet.

Sasuke was standing a few steps away from her, watching her with his usual cold, arrogant look.

_He's beautiful. Not handsome or cute, but really beautiful. _

She waited for that little pang around her heart but there was nothing.

"Oh, hello, Sasuke. Nice day, isn't it?" Sakura said, slightly nervous. She looked at Shikamaru who nodded curtly toward Sasuke and That Woman, and Sasuke nodded back.

This was one of those uncomfortable situations where short minutes felt like hours. A short, embarrassing silence followed, then Shikamaru, perceptive as usual, tactfully stepped aside to let the other couple pass.

_There. It's over. Now we can go._

"Sasuke-kuuuun, won't you introduce me to your friends?"

It was That Woman, smiling around smugly.

Sasuke grunted and pretended not to hear her.

Sakura felt her teeth on edge. It was the voice.

_God forgive me, Shikamaru hit the bull's eye again. She sounds like me on a bad day when I was twelve. Oh dear._

She felt an almost irresistible urge to laugh. It was terrible. She'd always thought that she would be awfully unhappy and embarrassed, once Sasuke started to go around the village with his new girlfriend, but now she only felt a tickling in her throat. Oh, that voice! That _look! _It was true, all one's sins came back to haunt one when one least counted on it. And the look on Sasuke's face! He was watching Shikamaru with a suspicious look when he heard his new squeeze open her mouth and for one moment there was sheer terror on that handsome face. Sakura instantly felt sorry for him. He was like Sai, meddling around with people as if he had an idea what relationships meant.

Shikamaru gave a tiny snort and as Sakura looked at him, she saw that he, too, was trying not to laugh.

Sasuke-kun? _Friends? _

_She must know who I am, _Sakura thought. _I didn't get a good look at her at the time of The Incident, not that I wanted to anyway, but she must have seen me. And there are photographs of Sasuke and me together in his living room. It's not as if there were hundreds of girls in Konoha with pink hair._

Was this woman completely brainless? Or maybe she'd had a sunstroke or something? The weather was really unusually sunny for the season.

"I know this must seem a little strange, but I really, really wanted to talk to you..."

_And look at the monkey! It talks! It talks! _Sakura thought and bit her tongue which made her eyes water. _Why on earth would she want to talk to me? Why? And right here, on the street?  
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Shikamaru made a funny little noise. She looked at him and saw him concentrating hard on a _very_ interesting part of the wall next to them.

She felt the corners of her mouth curl up and said under her breath, "You're not helping."

Shikamaru flashed an amused look at her. It was clear what he meant – 'just you wait, there's more to come'.

And he was right.

The woman, ignoring Sasuke's meaningful looks, said to Sakura, "I know that we've only met once before, fleetingly…"

Sakura's jaw hit the floor.

_Fleetingly? My boyfriend was fucking you on the floor when I entered the room! I only saw your naked ass, for God's sake! I didn't even know you had a face!_

"…but I'm glad that now everything's cleared up and we both know where we stand. You'll see how happy he'll be with me, and I hope you won't resent it, because you and Sasuke-kun really weren't very good together, were you?"

Sakura closed her mouth. It took some conscious effort on her part. She had imagined meeting That Woman several times and in different circumstances, and while one part of her loathed the very idea, some other – although smaller - part was definitely curious.

This smaller part must have been the one with the suicidal tendencies and the morbid curiosity for experiments with poisons, spiders, sharks, blood and the breeding of pugs, she decided now.

_Note to self: never _ever _listen again to this part of me, generally known as "Let's See What Happens If I Push This Red Button With The 'Don't EVER Touch' Sign Next To It."_

"I mean, I hope you won't take offense, but you're something of a workaholic, aren't you? You didn't have a lot of time for him. So I thought that you wouldn't really mind what happened. We could even be friends, you know."

Sakura and Shikamaru stared at each other for a second, then Sakura hurriedly looked away again, but not before she saw the evil smile on Shikamaru's face.

He cleared his throat.

"That's a very… interesting idea," he said in a muffled voice.

_The traitor,_ Sakura thought, helplessly trying to fight another hysterical bout of laughter. _He's going to play along, just to see if this girl makes a fool of Sasuke, too, not only of herself._

Then she looked at Sasuke, standing there with his hands in his pockets, his black eyes bored. It was probably just a ruse but Sakura suddenly felt a lot less amused and a lot more angry.

_If Shikamaru hadn't come along, I'd still be licking my wounds and wondering whether it was all my fault in some way and worrying how Sasuke would cope. God, if he's adult enough to cheat on me, he can't expect me to get him out of this mess as if I were his mother!_

She said firmly but politely, "Excuse me, but I don't think that's such a great idea. Sasuke and I are teammates so I wish you all the best, but I choose my friends myself. Sleeping with someone I know does not guarantee a club membership. Anyway, I don't think we have such a lot in common beside using the same man for a short while."

Shikamaru emitted a short sound that was half snicker, half grunt.

Sasuke looked at him and his eyes were dangerously cold.

Shikamaru looked back, a lazy, insolent smile on his face and he pulled Sakura closer to him. Sakura knew that goading Sasuke wasn't a very wise thing, but she couldn't help melting just a little into Shikamaru's embrace. By the way, Sasuke already had his chance and messed it up. It was over anyway, wasn't that what he said?

_If Sasuke tries anything violent, I won't stand aside. I can't put an end to their pissing contest, that's hopeless, but if Sasuke makes just one wrong move, he'll regret it. He might be stronger than Shikamaru but I'm stronger than him and I'll pummel him into the pavement!_

She raised her chin and looked at Sasuke, then at the girl that she used to think of as That Woman, sometimes as That Whore. She wasn't much older than Sakura was, maybe even younger. Until now Sakura, for some reason, always thought of her as someone older, someone more refined and sophisticated and experienced than she was. It was hard to get rid of that image and replace it with this – pretty, young, a nice body, but nothing special. Her breasts were certainly a lot bigger than Sakura's, but that was all.

The girl, however, was not watching the exchange of looks between Sasuke and Shikamaru, and right now she wasn't that interested in Sakura, either. Her whole attention was absorbed by the shining golden shopping bags in Sakura's hands that bore the shop's logo, a stylized ninjato and an iris in full bloom entwined around it.

There was pure hate on her face when she raised her eyes again.

"Oh, so you don't want to be friends because you think you're so much better than me," she hissed. "And you already got yourself another man who buys you things, didn't you? You didn't miss a beat! You don't deserve Sasuke-kun! I was sorry for you, but now I'm not!"

This was the ultimate joke. It was too funny for words.

_God, she thinks I'm a kept woman. A femme fatale. The Scarlet Woman herself. _

Inner was hooting with laughter.

_Sakura, I congratulate you. Yesterday you were an overworked medic nin with a wide forehead and exactly five dresses in your closet and frosty sheets galore, as Shikamaru pointed out. Today you are the Evil Enchantress. Way to go, girl! Yee-haw!_

"What can I say, I'm a fast worker," Sakura said with saccharine sweetness and fluttered her eyelashes.

_If it worked once, it might work again._

Shikamaru turned his head the other way and his shoulders were slightly shaking.

Sasuke, it seemed, was still trying to figure out what could have happened in the last few days that produced _this _result and whether it would mean good or bad for him in the long run. He stood straight, unmoving, not caring that his ex-girlfriend and his new lover were glaring at each other, all pretense of friendliness gone, and that Shikamaru was instantly on guard, looking for the first signs of real trouble. Sasuke couldn't be bothered.

_How typical,_ Sakura thought.

She sighed. She felt suddenly tired. The girl obviously thought that Sasuke was about the best thing that could ever happen to her. Her point of view was somewhat faulty, her loyalty misplaced, but it was still loyalty. She was seriously smitten with Sasuke, so consequently she was sure he must be faultless, and everything was his ex-girlfriend's fault.

There were people milling around them, slowing down and craning their necks to see better. Scandal! Gossip! Isn't it a shame! Sasuke and Shikamaru were both well-known in Konoha – if for nothing else, at least because of their clans -, and Sakura's was a familiar face due to her hospital job. None of them needed this kind of attention.

_Time to return to Adult World where people have not only feelings, but social obligations, considerations and manners, too,_ Sakura thought.

"Look, I…"

That Woman cut in and, of all things to do, she turned to Shikamaru.

"I know who you are," she said.

"Good for you," Shikamaru said politely.

"Have you slept with her yet?" the girl asked.

Shikamaru and Sakura looked at each other with raised eyebrows.

"Because she's totally frigid," the girl said triumphantly. "You'll never get your money's worth."

"Nice of you to worry about me, but…" Shikamaru began in a voice that was so clearly in sharp contrast with the words themselves that anybody with a grain of common sense would have considered it a warning, but the girl overrode him and said, "That's why I was willing to sleep with Sasuke, poor baby. He told me that his girlfriend was awful in bed!"

Sakura and Shikamaru caught each other's eyes. It was Shikamaru who started to laugh first but Sakura joined in a second later and then they were both roaring with laughter. It took almost a full moment until they could breathe again and Shikamaru helplessly shook his head, and said, "I'm sorry, really. She could have mentioned any other piece of furniture…"

"Like what?" Sakura asked in a strangled voice. "The sofa? The kitchen table? A cupboard?"

"Any of them could be interesting," Shikamaru said.

He looked at Sakura again and it was clear he was thinking about her broken bed.

"My, oh my," he said and cleared his throat.

Sakura was trying to wipe her eyes on a tissue without wiping the last of her eyeliner off with it, too.

_It must have been the tension, _she thought. _I was ready for a total showdown... and this was her best shot? I mean, how low can she go? God, this is a farce. How could this happen? _

"Where's your cool, Shikamaru?" she asked, unable to erase the grin from her face.

"I left it on a rooftop this afternoon, north – northeast from here," Shikamaru said in an even voice. "I'd better pick it up on my way home or they won't let me into the restaurant."

Sakura laughed and had to grab his arm to be able to stand properly.

"Stop it," she said. "My belly hurts."

"My poor dear," Shikamaru purred. "Let me kiss it better."

The girl's eyes darted from one to the other. Sakura saw that Sasuke did not find any of this funny at all and was watching Shikamaru with a very unpleasant look on his face, but he didn't waste one look on his new lover.

Sakura was almost sorry for the girl – that is, until she opened her mouth again.

"It's true. She's awful in bed," she insisted. "Very selfish. Sasuke told me when we first slept together after Genma's New Year party."

Now this wasn't funny. This wasn't funny at all.

_Great, _Sakura thought bitterly._ Of the four months we dated, more than two I spent in parallel parking. With this girl. And I never even knew until now. _

"But Sasuke was already dating me then," she said in a small voice. She added hesitatingly, "He even gave me a New Year's gift."

Shikamaru was immobile as a statue, his eyes suddenly cold as the wind but he didn't speak.

Sakura felt a momentary grateful relief that he didn't jump to her rescue and let her decide instead what she wanted to do.

She turned to Sasuke.

"So it didn't happen just the once? You've been cheating on me for _months?_"

It hurt. It still hurt. It hurt like hell. She had no idea why but it did.

If it had happened just once, then that wasn't a very good thing either, but it would have been more... understandable, somehow. Things like that happened sometimes – a relationship ended and another one began, sooner than it was wise or acceptable or fair to the other person, but in retrospect it wasn't really surprising that it happened at all.

This was something else.

She could try to explain and rationalize and understand what happened between them but this was humiliating.

Sasuke didn't try to give any kind of explanation, he just grunted once.

"Hn."

It was the sound he universally used to express all kinds of things from disdain to sullen agreement. He briefly looked at Sakura, then turned his head the other way.

It was so strange, Sakura thought. She could forgive Sasuke the attack on Konoha and all the heartbreak he caused, even her physical wounds. But petty, smallminded, selfish behaviour like this... That _jerk!_

Sakura turned her head slowly toward Sasuke and her eyes were glowing with a fiery light, then she slowly cracked her knuckles.

_You little shit. We'll talk about this later. No, I think we might talk about this right now, shall we?_

Sasuke seemed to get the message without any further input from actual spoken words because one minute he was standing there and the next minute he was trying to disappear unobtrusively in the crowd.

_Nice try, _that was Sakura's first thought.

The second thought was, _Uh-oh. A crowd. Hell._

It wasn't just people walking on the street any more. It was a crowd.

Even in a hidden village, a crowd was always ready to have fun one way or another. It hardly ever turned into a mob – every shinobi village was too controlled, too ordered for that. But where Sasuke was concerned... Everybody accepted the Hokage's decision that let Sasuke become a citizen of Konoha again, but not all of them were overjoyed, to say the least.

Even putting the most unpleasant possiblities aside, Sakura did not exactly relish the thought that instead of discussing everything privately they were well in the process of providing local entertainment for free.

Sasuke would pay for this dearly, she decided, but there were too many people here. Not that she wanted to spare Sasuke the humiliation – oh no. But tearing up the street while she merrily knocked Sasuke around might result in innocent casualties.

She looked at That Woman who glared back at her. Sakura was now only interested in whether she had a shinobi headband – that meant she could take care of herself if she needed to. There. On her belt. Good. One less problem to deal with.

Before she could have decided what to do, there was the sound of an almighty crash and as Sakura searched for the source of the sound she saw Sasuke dangling like a kitten from a big woman's hands. She wasn't a giant but she was one of those matrons that no one ever tried any funny business with and stayed alive to tell the tale.

She had iron-grey hair in a bun, tiny dark eyes, a sour mouth and arms like a washerwoman's. There was a shinobi headband hanging around her neck.

Sasuke probably crashed into her as he was trying to scarper and she wasn't going to tolerate such behaviour from a young whippersnapper, Uchiha or not.

The woman was walking back toward Sakura, pulling Sasuke with her. The crowd opened in front of her and closed again behind her when she passed with her heavy steps.

"I've heard enough. You're not going anywhere, you bastard!" the woman screamed at Sasuke. "Cheating on a sweet girl like Sakura-san! I don't believe a word this hussy said! Sakura-san's not selfish and never was! She treated my grandson's broken leg last summer, and I tell you, nobody could have done it better! She even stayed on duty for another hour after her shift ended, just to make sure my grandson was all right!"

She shook Sasuke to emphasize her point.

Sakura, for some obscure reason, knew which case the woman meant. She remembered the grandson with the broken leg (it was a complicated fracture all right, a shattered lower tibia and a fractured fibula, poor boy), but she didn't remember this old woman. Sakura was sure the woman meant well, but discussing her private life like this...

"Yes!" another woman shouted. "I agree with you, Grandma! And to say that this young man paid her to sleep with him! Ridiculous! He's a Nara, everybody can see that! When did a Nara man ever have to pay a woman to sleep with him, I ask you!"

"Naras never have to pay because they are pussy-whipped!" a young man said in a mocking voice. "Everybody knows they love to be treated like shit and women like that a lot!"

"Oh, you'd love to be pussy-whipped, too, but where's that pussy, boyo?" a woman shouted back.

"Oh boy," Shikamaru murmured. "This just gets better and better."

"I'd sleep with a Nara any day!" a nearly toothless old woman said. She winked at Shikamaru. "If she doesn't treat you well, hon, come back and I'll show you a good time!"

"Sonny, if you need a woman, I'll sleep with you any time, too, no payment needed!" shouted a middle-aged woman from a window.

There was general laughter.

"You'd sleep with anyone, not only a Nara!" That was a man in the crowd. "You'd sleep with cheater boy here, too!"

_Good, maybe not everyone recognized Sasuke yet, _Sakura thought. _ Thank God he isn't wearing his usual training clothes with the fan._

"I'd never sleep with you, old man!" the woman shouted back.

"Too bad, so I'll have to ask this hussy! She was willing to get her claws into someone else's man, so she must be desperate! She surely won't refuse me!"

"This could get ugly," Sakura said to Shikamaru with a worried look.

Shikamaru held her closer. "Don't worry," he whispered. "They are just having a bit of fun at our expense. Nothing really dangerous."

But it wasn't over yet.

"You don't understand! You have no idea!"

It was That Girl.

"Just shut up," Shikamaru advised her.

"No!" she said, turning to the woman who still held Sasuke in an iron grip. "I love Sasuke! We are in love!"

The woman let Sasuke go with a push.

"You think he's going to treat you better than he treated his previous girlfriend? Silly girl!"

"I love him! And he loves me, too!" the girl said defiantly. "He's going to marry me!"

"Well, that's news to me," Sakura said, amazed.

"Looks like it was news to Uchiha, too," Shikamaru commented drily.

"Why?" Sakura asked.

Shikamaru pointed his chin toward the street.

"Because there he is, running toward the horizon and gaining speed."

He was right. Sasuke, free at last, was only a dot at the end of the street.

"Hurry up, hussy!" one of the men roared. "Catch your man or no wedding for you!"

The girl was already running and screaming, "Sasuke! Sasuke! Wait for me!"

Sakura shivered.

_I hope I was never exactly like this. I really hope not._

"Ooooh, how he can run!" someone in the crowd said and several people agreed, then someone said, "Yes – just like I always say to my wife, Konoha will always be safe while we've got shinobi who can run _this_ fast!"

Laughter.

"You're not running anywhere, Nara?" a mocking voice asked.

Shikamaru didn't even turn back to see who it was.

"I think I'll just take my girlfriend home," he said calmly. "I don't think it's a good thing to learn like this that your ex-boyfriend was cheating on you for months, don't you think so?"

There was a general murmur of agreement and the crowd started to disperse slowly, discussing the exciting turn of events they'd been eyewitnesses to and making bets on the outcome, but it was all happening too slowly for Shikamaru. Drama in public was, obviously, not his thing.

"Enough is enough," he murmured.

Sakura opened her mouth but before she could utter one word, she was already in Shikamaru's arms with all her bags and boxes and he was running over the rooftops.

"You abducted me!" Sakura complained. "I can walk!"

"Yes, I did, and yes, you could but you won't. I've got things to do before I come back and pick you up and you, too, and we can't waste any more time running into your exes. Troublesome woman."

"Me? Things to do? Like what? And I'm not troublesome!" Sakura said and put her head on Shikamaru's chest. She couldn't quite remember the last time when she'd been carried like this without being seriously wounded.

"Like unpacking all the shopping bags and marveling over my generosity and then having a cup of tea and thinking about what you're going to say to Naruto, because this little clash of opinions about infidelity as such will be around the village in no time, and it's sure as hell not my mess so you have to figure out how to deal with your team. If you wish, I can come over and hold them immobile with my shadows till you find out what to say, but that's about the maximum."

"And what is it that you have to do?" Sakura asked, glad to have something on her mind other than the confrontation with Sasuke and his new... girl. Oh, bride. Whatever.

She knew she would have to talk to Naruto, as soon as possible. Kakashi, too.

"Change my clothes before our date, for one. If you're wearing a Misaki dress, I'll have to wear something else instead of a jounin outfit. My mother is going to have a heart attack. The last time I was willing to wear a shirt and normal trousers was when I was five and one of my father's cousins got married. I hope I remember how to button up a shirt."

Sakura was willing to take a bet that the shirt would be partly unbuttoned and the tie would be loose and the suit, if he had one at all, would be full of creases and he would still look delicious.

"Stop licking your lips like that. I can't run properly if all my blood is suddenly pouring southward," Shikamaru complained.

"I'd like to lick something else but I'm in the wrong position," Sakura said innocently.

"Whoa! I'd better get some extra pieces of furniture you can break when we go back to my place - just in case you feel like it. What would you like? A table? A chair? A cupboard? I happen to have a shogi table, very nice craftmanship, made of several kinds of tropical wood – would that be suitable?"

"It may do," Sakura said serenely. "Could you please pick up that magazine, the Sexy Shinobi special edition from Ino on your way home? Tell her I need it and will give it back in a few days."

"Oh, the one with the article on the famous ten ways?"

"Yes, that's the one. I'll need something to cheer me up after I told my team everything. And I'll need the magazine because I don't remember all the positions and Ino said there were some illustrations, too. Those may come in handy."

"No doubt. No doubt at all. I'm always ready to learn something new."

"Shishou gave a speech at the hospital fundraiser last year," Sakura said. "The subject was life-long learning, but I can't remember if she mentioned this subject in particular."

"Oh, she probably did," Shikamaru said, grinning. "But you know how you and I usually spend these parties - you making sure that the Hokage doesn't drink more than she could handle and overseeing the menu and everything, and me, giving an extra hand to security. We probably missed this part."

"Probably. Maybe we should write her speech this year."

"There's an idea, sweetheart. It might be fun. Well, here we are."

Shikamaru jumped down from the rooftop to a balcony on the first floor and then to the steps of the house.

"Shall I walk you to your door?" he asked. He carefully put Sakura down and took hold of the bags.

"I've never had a day like this before," Sakura said dreamily and looked up at the sky. "Never. And the funny thing is, for months I'd kept thinking that every day was the same, it was all grey and monotonous and boring and I kept wishing that something would happen."

Shikamaru also raised his face toward the sky. "She had her wish," he said in a warning tone. "You hear me? That was enough. Now we'll be happy with a normal, everyday life, no surprises, no nothing. We'll make it interesting enough for ourselves, thank you very much. With all respect, no further effort from the gods is needed."

Sakura gave a shaky giggle.

"You're funny."

"No, I'm serious. If you can't tell the difference between my funny mode and my serious mode, we're in trouble."

"Maybe you should show me a bit more of what you're like when you're funny," Sakura said. "I mostly saw you serious."

"Fine, fine. I'll walk you up the stairs."

"I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard," Sakura said while they climbed the stairs, hand in hand. "I was hurt and angry and surprised, but on the whole it was still funny. Embarrassing, too. Poor girl."

Shikamaru looked at her lovingly and shook his head, then started to chuckle.

"What is it?"

"Nothing," Shikamaru said and wiped his eyes on his sleeve, still grinning.

They stopped in front of Sakura's apartment.

"Here we are," he said. "One girl, loved truly, madly, deeply by her boyfriend. One door, slightly battered. All that is left for now is for one to go through the other. Be careful, door, don't try it the other way around."

"I want to know why you were laughing," Sakura said stubbornly. "I'm not going in until that."

She held on to Shikamaru's vest with both hands to show that she meant it.

Shikamaru gave her a kiss, a loud smack on the lips.

"I just remembered the last time I had a good laugh. But that is a story strictly for adults over eighteen."

"I'm over eighteen. And anyway, you're not that much older than me."

"I'm a thousand years older than you."

Sakura snorted.

"I remember when I first met you. We already discussed that. You and Ino were six months older than me, and age differences don't change."

"Yes, I remember that, too," Shikamaru said. He grinned. "You had the cutest panties."

"What? How do you _know_?" Sakura asked.

"I've seen them, of course. Ino's, too," he added smugly. "There were strawberries on your panties and violets on Ino's. Strawberries were waaay cooler than violets, in my opinion."

Sakura, to her complete surprise, felt herself blush deeply. It was insane. She had sex with this man several times, and she planned to have sex with him again soon, preferably every night, but when he was a _boy_ he saw her _panties…_

"I don't believe a word you say," Sakura mumbled. "You're inventing this story this very minute."

"Did you or did you not have panties with a strawberry pattern when you were about five?" Shikamaru asked. "I want a truthful answer."

"Y-yes. I had a pair like that. But when and how…?"

"Oh, the usual thing. I was lying in the grass on the playground, and you and Ino sat down on the bench next to me. Except you both sat on the back of the bench and put your feet on the seat."

"Yes, I remember that," Sakura said. "That was a very big girl thing to do. Ino and I both felt very grand."

"Well, I pretended to be asleep and…"

"You!"

"Hmm. I take it you never noticed that I wasn't really asleep?"

"You! Why? Why did you want to see my, uh…?"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "Ever heard of birds and bees, sweetheart? This is what boys do! It's instinctive, like girls saying _oooh_ and _aaah_ when they see a baby – even if they are still kids themselves."

"But…" Sakura began.

"But you are right, of course," Shikamaru said. "There was a trigger event. The day before I overheard my dad and some friends talk about women and sex, and one of the guys said something about licking a girl where she tasted the sweetest. When he came back to the kitchen for ice, I asked this guy where _exactly_ a girl was the sweetest, and he was drunk enough to answer – he said that it was between her legs. I was willing to believe this, since there was this nursery rhyme, you know, that girls are made of sugar and spice…"

Sakura yelped.

Shikamaru chuckled.

"So I was contemplating this new and exciting idea on the playground when you appeared and gave the idea a new twist."

"Huh?"

"You see, Ino and I practically grew up together, and I was always supposed to take care of her because I was one measly day older. The sheer drag of it! Anyway, by the time we were five I had to suck out bee stings and such from her skin several times, and I decided that she wasn't sweet at all. You, on the other hand, who had cotton candy hair and panties with strawberries… well, the only thing I can say is that I spent some very pleasurable time making plans about how I could talk you into taking off your panties and letting me do this very important scientific experiment."

"Paedophile!" Sakura hissed.

Shikamaru laughed so hard he was almost crying.

"Sweetheart, you give a whole new meaning to the term "older man". I was five, remember? Yes, you were four and a half, and I was willing to use all the leverage my age and experience could provide to prey on your innocence, and…"

Sakura couldn't keep her face serious any more and joined in the laughter until she suddenly said, "Oh!" and put both her hands on her face.

"What is it, sweetheart?"

"I just remembered something," Sakura said in a tiny voice. "When you said 'older man'…"

She looked up and saw Shikamaru's face change in a second – at first it was a laughing, nice, easygoing young man, and the next minute it was a face carved in stone, the mouth set in a hard line, the eyes like hard pebbles. The face of an elite soldier. An assassin.

"I hope it wasn't…" he began slowly.

Sakura knew at once what he meant. "No," she said softly. "Nothing like that happened to me, love. Don't worry. Nobody ever hurt me like that. No."

His face changed again, the lines softened, the eyes were warm again.

_This is what I will have to live with,_ Sakura thought. _This is a part of him. This is his other face._

He knew that she saw it, too. His eyes were searching her face.

_Nobody will hurt our children. Nobody will even _think_ of hurting them. Or me, _Sakura thought with satisfaction.

She put her arms around Shikamaru's neck.

"I love you," she said and started to laugh again.

"What is it now?" Shikamaru asked.

Sakura giggled. "Well, there's another side to your story, and it's like this. Before Ino introduced me to you, she and I had already discussed some elementary things that constitute the solid base of a friendship between girls. We agreed that we both loved pink, and that Spiderman was yuck with that sticky whatever coming out of his hands, and talked about what toys we had, and such. But Ino had the ultimate trump card. As usual."

"Hmm?"

"She said, 'I have a friend who is a _boy._ He's only a little older than me, but a lot older than _you._ And he can pee standing up. I'll ask him to show you, if you want.' "

Shikamaru threw his head back and laughed.

"God, I had no idea you had a fetish like that," he mocked her. "You should have told me. You missed some great moments today."

"Just shut up," Sakura said. "I'll never let you near my underwear drawer. You might just faint with excitement."

They slowly calmed down and just watched one another – that beloved face, the only one in the world, no other like it.

"I have to go," Shikamaru said.

"Yes."

"Is it okay if I pick you up at about half past instead of seven? I might not make it back on the dot."

"Come whenever you want. I'll be waiting. Won't there be a problem at the restaurant?"

Shikamaru shrugged.

"They'll hold our table, if that's what you're thinking about. No problem there."

"All right."

"Between seven and half past, then - I'll have to run like a crazy rabbit all over the village to get back in time, just because you wanted a new dress and then we had to run into Uchiha."

"Oh, you'll probably dress up in about five minutes, and then you'll whine for an hour about how troublesome it all was."

"Exactly. Now open the damn door and get in, or I'll just stand here like an idiot all day."

Sakura obediently opened the door and turned back.

"So that was you in a funny mode."

"Huh? No, that was just a story."

"It wasn't even for an audience over eighteen."

"Oh, that's _another_ story," Shikamaru said.

"Is it, now? Tell me."

"Well, compared to the previous one it is something of an anticlimax."

"I'm waiting. You won't make it back on time if you don't start telling me your story this very minute."

"Fine, fine," Shikamaru sighed. "Troublesome woman. Well, it goes like this. When I was still in ANBU, one day a new squad leader had the daft idea that each ANBU squad should have their own separate batch of T-shirts with their own mottos 'cause that would help them bond or whatever, which only shows that sometimes squad leaders are not chosen for their intelligence. We pointed out to him that ANBU was not very keen on identifying its members in any way, never mind according to squad and division, and even if we wore the T-shirts for R&R in our free time… blah, blah, blah. Then Ibiki, God bless his humourless soul, asked the guy what motto he'd have printed on the T-shirts of the seduction squad. The guy kept thinking and then someone in the back of the room shouted, 'hell, boyo, I've got a good one_ -_ WE _DO_ GIVE A FLYING FUCK.' "

Sakura found herself grabbing the door for support, her other hand clutching at her stomach.

Shikamaru smiled at her politely.

"I really have to go now, but if you want a T-shirt like that, I happen to have a spare one."


	13. Chapter 13

As soon as she closed the door after Shikamaru, Sakura ran to the window of her living room and leaned out to get a last look of him leaving the house.

"Looking for anything in particular?" an amused voice asked from the roof opposite.

"You," Sakura said with relief. "I wanted to shout 'I love you' out of the window."

"And what's stopping you?" Shikamaru asked, grinning.

"You're standing on that roof, instead of leaving my house," Sakura pointed out. "I thought you'd be running like a crazy rabbit like you said. What are you doing there?"

Shikamaru looked at her, still grinning, hands in his pockets. He looked like a street urchin.

"I thought maybe you would take off your dress and I wanted to see your panties."

Sakura laughed. "Oh, you pervert. I love you," she said. "Get going. I have to do something with my bed and I can't get started if you're just standing there with that silly grin on your face."

They watched each other from across the street for a minute, then Shikamaru seemed to come to a decision. "Very well," he said. "Be good, sweetheart."

He threw her a kiss and spread his arms with an exaggerated, jerky movement, like an actor in a silent movie.

Sakura giggled, then closed her eyes with a dramatic expression on her face and clutched both hands over her heart, throwing back her head, then she opened her eyes again and fluttered her eyelashes.

"Careful with those eyelashes," Shikamaru said, his voice dark and warm. "They're lethal."

Sakura swallowed.

_That voice. That face. That look. Oh, that body._

Sakura felt his eyes wandering over her, as if someone was spilling melt, hot honey over her in slow drops.

She looked back at him and saw the darkness in his eyes even across the street.

"I'll be back after seven," he said. The way his voice sounded, it was halfway between a threat and a promise.

He turned and with a leap landed on the next rooftop, then disappeared from view.

Sakura turned away from the window and tried, just for a change, not to think of her brand-new boyfriend. Just for a minute.

_Breathe,_ Inner advised her in a bored voice. _Oh, and by the way, tonight you should let me out to play. Let's tie him to the bed this time, what d'you say? That may be risqué enough for him._

Sakura laughed aloud.

Tidying up her apartment took less time than Sakura thought at first. Apart from the usual clutter on tabletops and shelves, the flat was more or less clean – when a love affair goes up in smoke, Sakura thought, any kind of therapy can only go so far, but things like doing your laundry in the middle of the night (in the loving company of a bowl of chocolate icecream) when you couldn't sleep anyway or scrubbing your floor at the break of dawn (and imagining that it was That Woman's face, and when you were finished, Sasuke would see her without make-up for the first time in his life) did wonders for your apartment.

That was, actually, her mother's wisdom, Sakura thought.

She remembered coming home from the Academy one day and finding her mother on her knees in the garden, weeding like a madwoman. She looked up and said, 'someone I thought was my friend isn't,' and went on with her work. Sakura put her things on the steps of the house and went to help her.

Her mother's least favourite kind of housework was weeding the garden. She had no problem with washing up, she got rid of the headless birds their neighbour's cat brought her as a compliment without a word, she never complained about having to wash shinobi clothes covered in blood and mud and stained with grass, but weeding...

After they went through two rows of vegetables like a storm, her mother told her in a few sentences what happened (an old girlfriend, her new boyfriend, jealousy - and, as a result, some ugly gossip), and Sakura asked her if she was sad.

She remembered the way her mother looked at her – the same green, wide eyes that she had, the same firm mouth – and said with a sudden smile, "Oh, I was devastated, but I thought that since I was depressed anyway, I could start weeding the garden - you know how much I hate doing that!"

They both burst out laughing and then stood up and went back to the house to have a cup of tea, muddy and tired but still at peace.

After that whenever Sakura came home tired, unhappy, sad or irritated, and her mother looked at her, and Sakura grunted a one-word-answer (Sasuke. Naruto. Ino. Test. Homework. Exam) to an unspoken question, one of them usually said, "if you're depressed anyway…" and Sakura threw her bag in the corner and started doing the dishes or peeling potatoes while her mother was cooking or baking or ironing and by the time they were finished, troubles dissolved to a more or less manageable proportion in the steam and heat of the kitchen.

_I wonder what my parents will think about Shikamaru,_ Sakura thought. _They will love him. I know they will._

She smiled, filled with happiness.

_I'll take him home to dinner tomorrow,_ she decided suddenly. _I'm sure Shikamaru would like that. He wants commitment. He wants a family. He wants us to be together. This is not just another love affair. There are no rules. He will see this as I see it – a token of trust on my part. _

Sakura thought it over. With anyone else, she would have seen this as unnecessary and possibly dangerous haste – what good could it do? But Shikamaru wasn't anybody else. Once she realized that Shikamaru was right, they had to agree on the code they were using and they did, there were no taboos, no limits, no rules.

_Look at all those things we talked about – things I never mentioned to anyone else. He added a few of his own, too. _

She wondered about it all the only way that she found really useful – she was letting her thoughts wander and come up with a conclusion on their own, but it seemed there was no revelation to come this time, except something she knew anyway.

_I let him see today all the things that I would never show anyone on a first date. I was angry, hurt, oversensitive, scared, clingy. Not the calm, cool and collected Dr Haruno, but someone volatile and weak. I even hit him – not because he deserved it but because I couldn't find any way out. I couldn't deal with the situation. He, on the other hand, was moody, scathingly sarcastic, jealous, possessive and violent in turns – and in the end it was... it was all right._

_Definitely not the way to spend a romantic afternoon. _

She shook her head and mumbled something to herself, parts of sentences and fragments of words chasing each other in her memories.

_But he wanted it to be romantic, poor dear. He wanted it so much. Not because this was meant to be, but because he thought I wanted it. Not very romantic, that's what he said on the hillside, how could you want so little? So he bought me a dress and he will take me out to the Golden Dragon, and the irony is, I don't need it, I would elope with him and live with him away from Konoha, I would become a missing nin if he wanted me to. Love has nothing to do with good intentions and grand gestures. It's all about small things. Like when he held me in his arms on the hillside and he thought I was still in love with Sasuke and never said anything about himself, he just said, no child warriors in my village, and I knew, I knew he would help me, I knew I could trust him..._

She smiled, then shook her head and went to the bedroom to see what could be done with the bed.

Nothing. It was a complete wreck.

_Maybe I could ask Yamato to grow me a new bed,_ Sakura thought.

She did her best to cover the ruins but it was hopeless, so she shrugged and went to get dressed.

The dress, if possible, looked even better in the afternoon sunlight than it did in the cold light of the shop. Sakura unpacked everything, sent a grateful thought to Shikamaru, her lovely, sweet, sexy, _generous_ boyfriend, and started to get ready with slow, meticulous care. She brushed her hair, then opened her underwear drawer to choose the bra and the panties, the only things that would not be new on her this evening.

_On the other hand… Oh…oh! Wait a minute!_

She opened the next drawer – gloves, scarves, an ugly knitted cap that she only wore in winter when the weather was unbearably cold, some ribbons.

_There._

It was a little package, pushed as far back into the drawer as possible.

After she found Sasuke and his new girl together on the floor (a week ago? A lifetime ago?) she ran home, scared, furious, hurt, and cursed the succession of events that led her to Sasuke's door unexpectedly.

It wasn't that she didn't want to know, but…

If Shizune hadn't sent her a message on Friday evening that the new microscope she'd requested was finally available.

If she hadn't told Sasuke that she'd have to drop in the hospital the next morning, even though it was a Saturday.

If Sasuke hadn't thrown a tantrum like a three-year-old, telling Sakura that soon she'd have to choose between him and that damn hospital work and she'd better make the right choice.

If she hadn't been so upset then that she'd just turned and shut the door with a bang behind her.

If on Saturday morning instead of going straight to the hospital she had not decided to see Sasuke first.

If he'd just locked his door instead of leaving it open. Not that he usually kept anything under lock and key. Not that anyone would have wanted to steal anything from the Uchiha compound. But still…

If he'd had sex with that girl somewhere else, not in that house that team 7 repaired and cleaned together and where Sakura chose the curtains because Sasuke asked her to.

If. If. If.

There was no if.

It was Saturday morning and her life was ruined and she was running up the steps and at the same time trying to find her keys when she saw Tenten standing next to her door.

"I thought you were at the hospital," Tenten said. "I just wanted to leave you this message to come and get that scroll that Neji…"

Sakura looked up, her eyes blurred with angry tears, and Tenten only said, "Fuck. Gimme those keys."

She opened the door, marched Sakura in, found some sake in the cupboard, and when Sakura told her what happened, Tenten promised not to tell anyone and also to find something suitably sharp and nasty in her considerable arms collection that, if applied properly, would make it sure that Sasuke would never be able to sit comfortably as long as he lived.

The next day, after a terrible morning at the hospital when Sakura got her new microscope and tried to pretend to Tsunade that everything was fine (and failed miserably), and an even more terrible training session with her team (Sasuke looked smug, Naruto looked worried, Kakashi was fully concentrating on training, business as usual, and, since Yamato was out on a mission, that left Sai to be empathic and understanding – thinking back, Sakura still broke out in a cold sweat), she found a note and a small package tied to the doorknob of her apartment when she returned home.

_FUCK HIM,_ the note said. _BETTER YET, FUCK SOMEBODY ELSE. HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU. I'M NOT KIDDING._

There was no signature, only a shuriken drawn under the message as an afterthought.

Sakura only took a glimpse at the contents of the package and saw that it was something black and lacy with something red on it, then she pushed the whole package in the back of a drawer and went to find the rest of the sake that she and Tenten forgot to finish the day before.

The next day was Monday and she went back to work at the lab with a new microscope in her carrier bag and the burning resolution in her heart that she would never think about The Incident again, and she forgot about Tenten's gift completely.

Now it was time to see if that black and lacy something would be good enough to wear on her coming date. The size would probably be right – Tenten had it easy, since she and Sakura were the same size. Sakura remembered the laughs they had on a particularly fruitless and boring mission when they swapped clothes and the fit was almost perfect. Of course, that led straight to Tenten pretending to be a med nin and saying that she was a natural healer – sake had a universal healing effect, she argued, and if anyone disagreed, she would be glad to perform surgery on them with any sharp object of their own choice. Sakura retaliated with some private thoughts on arms collections ("There's that special katana that I always used to sharpen when my teammates upset me… Unfortunately, one of these days I realized that the blade was practically nonexistent now because I sort of sharpened it away, so now I'm sharpening the hilt instead… I told you, it's a very special kind of weapon…") and the rest of the mission was quite bearable. Once they swapped clothes and they fit, there was a feeling of camaraderie between them that was never there before, as if they discovered they had something more in common than they supposed. The next day they started to teach each other skills and jutsus they considered basic – as Tenten pointed out, it might be handy to trade places if need be.

But now Sakura had to take a close look at Tenten's present. Was it something suitably sexy and pretty? She already had the somebody else Tenten mentioned, and he only deserved the best, Sakura thought.

She opened the package and started to laugh helplessly.

It was a set, bra and panties, black and lacy all right – but decorated with shiny red-and-green satin cherries and strawberries.

_Oh yeah. Actually, I remember reading about that in Modern Kunoichi – anything with fruits and flowers is in this year, frills and polka dots are out. _

She put the underwear on and went to see herself in the big mirror.

She looked like the adult version of a kid's fantasy – strawberry panties, oh yes. The bra pushed her breasts higher and made them look full and luscious. Sakura turned and looked at her behind in the mirror. Impossibly long legs, ending in high-cut panties, lots of black lace and another bunch of fruits at some… oh… strategic points.

_My, oh my. A _very_ adult version. Good thing I'm a med nin, once he takes my dress off, he'll get a seizure. Tenten, you're a genius and I love you beyond words. Shikamaru will go wild._

At first she didn't want to get dressed (secretly she was hoping that Shikamaru would be back soon, sooner even than seven, like _right now,_ even though he said several times that he had places to go and things to do), but then she thought, _what the hell, why hurry. After dinner he'll undress me anyway. It will be a nice surprise._

Dress. Make-up. Then the evening purse, with all the important things transferred from her handbag, keys and all the rest. The green scarf, laid out next to the evening purse. She chose a pair of earrings, checked if the lace of the bra was visible under the dress (no, thank God – she didn't want to seem cheap), and then put on the shoes. The heels were not very high and the shoes were black, just like the purse.

_Shikamaru has good taste. Not only that, he's tactful. He did exactly what he said he would do – chose a dress that he wanted to see on me, and then he stood aside and let me choose all the rest. I would have been very unhappy with a pair of green shoes or a blue evening purse. Unpractical. Not my money, but still. These I will be able to wear with my other dresses. I'll have to thank Ino._

Sakura giggled. She found the idea very funny and her imagination started to colour the picture already. Oh, Ino… oh, what fun they will have! _You raised your teammate properly,_ she would say to her. _He's a gentleman. I know you must have worked very hard…_

_I'll buy Ino a box of chocolate, _Sakura decided. _She'll love that. _

She sat down on the couch and crossed her legs at the ankles. She felt beautiful and happy and ladylike and full of pleasant anticipation.

As if on cue, there was a knock at the door.

Sakura's first impulse was to run to the door but she decided to take it slow. She would pretend that she was waiting for someone else, a better date than Shikamaru, and then he would say…

She opened the door and said, "Oh."

It was Kakashi, leaning against the wall as if he were personally selected and paid by the landlord to do so in order to make the wall look better. He was his usual tall, handsome, effortlessly masculine self, the shock of silver hair almost glowing over his masked face, but Sakura felt as if she opened a Christmas present and found in it a pair of warm socks instead of a diamond necklace.

"The sight of your overwhelming joy when you realize it's me warms my heart every time," Kakashi said.

Sakura sighed and said dully, "Come in. You're going to anyway."

She turned and went back to the couch.

Kakashi followed her in and closed the door.

Sakura looked at him and caught a glimpse of the appreciative look on Kakashi's face. It was a very pleasant surprise. Sakura knew that Kakashi, for all his silence and dignity and reserved manners, liked women and was a connoisseur of female beauty, and this was the first time that he looked at her with anything more than polite interest.

Not that she ever wanted him to, Sakura thought a bit guiltily. He was like an uncle or an older cousin to her – not somebody you wanted to think of as showering your body with burning kisses, but not like your daddy, either. Daddies, in the usual way of things, always thought their daughters were perfect. Cousins, on the other hand, had _opinions._ It was like poor old Jiraiya, Sakura thought lovingly. He had his faults, of course, but if he said "that girl has beautiful legs," you knew that it meant something. Maybe that was why although each time there was loud screaming at the women's onsen when Jiraiya had been "getting inspiration for a new book", none of the women were truly furious.

On the other hand, when Jiraiya didn't even _look _at a woman…

_Now I'm definitely in the group which Jiraiya would have taken a closer look at, _Sakura thought smugly. _Oh, maybe I will ask Shikamaru to pretend to be a voyeur at the hot baths. That would be fun. We'll see if he picked up any special skills in ANBU. But what about the other women? They wouldn't like it, but even if they did, there's no way I'd share my man. Oh, the meadow! The perfect place! He said there was another hot spring on the other side of the hill, further away from the gate. I'll pretend to be a scared virgin bathing in the hot spring and he… well, he can choose his role._

_I bet I know how your little story is going to end, _Inner said with a leer. _Good for us. In the meanwhile, sensei is still here with us, just in case you've forgotten. _

She looked at Kakashi. His face, as usual, showed very little emotion. He was watching her with mild interest.

"Would you like some tea?" Sakura asked him, still mollified that Kakashi approved of her new dress.

His visible eye crinkled and he said "yes" in such a voice that was meant to convey that making some tea would be the best possible idea in the circumstances.

_He's up to something, _Sakura thought.

She turned back to ask Kakashi what flavour he preferred and found him looking into her bedroom.

_He's really like a cat,_ Sakura thought, slightly annoyed. _Not the kind that curiosity killed, rather one of those smug-looking purebreds that get away with anything. If Kakashi were a cat, I bet it would be insolence that'd kill him. I bet it would be someone in a sudden fit of rage when they found that damn animal pissing into their shoes again._

She looked in the bedroom, too, following Kakashi's eye, and saw the remains of the bed.

Kakashi looked at her seriously. Sakura smiled at him sweetly and closed the bedroom door in front of him with a definite, sharp _bang._

"Jasmine or lemon?" Sakura asked.

"I beg your pardon?" Kakashi said.

_Is he blushing? Oh, surely I'm wrong. Kakashi is always cool as an iceberg._

"Your tea," Sakura said slowly, with as much scorn as she was able to pour in those two short words. "I have only green tea right now, but in two flavours. Now which one shall it be?"

"Huh?" Kakashi asked.

"Jasmine or lemon?" Sakura asked patiently.

"Jasmine, please," Kakashi said like an automaton.

"A difficult birth, but it was worth it," Sakura said under her breath and went to make the tea.

They were sitting on the couch and sipping tea and neither of them was even pretending to make small talk.

Sakura was thinking about Shikamaru, except it wasn't really thinking as such but a mixture of remembering and daydreaming - sudden, vivid flashes of memory, a series of very personal photographs, complete with sound and smell and sometimes taste, and some of these snapshots were suddenly morphing into something that wasn't yet but could be.

Kakashi was sitting calmly and waiting for something, God knows what. Sakura would have preferred him to say something, to tell her why he suddenly visited her alone, without the others – she couldn't remember the last time Kakashi came to see her like this. When he came alone, it was usually with a reason, to tell her that he was going on a mission, to ask for a favour or give her a message, none of these making it necessary to stay for more than a few minutes and he never did.

Trying to make him speak, on the other hand, would be about as useful as shouting at a stone, Sakura thought. He'll speak when he wants to.

She thought of Shikamaru again, his deer and his meadow.

_I told him about the letter and he was so upset. Oh, poor darling. I had no idea he loved me. It must have been awful for him. He called me sweetheart when he tried to console me, I remember. _

She heard Shikamaru's serious, gentle, warm voice again. _Sweetheart. _

She looked up and saw Kakashi watching her like a hawk.

She wanted to ask him why but decided not to.

_I can sit here and drink tea until Shikamaru arrives. And then… We'll see. If my team tries to interfere, I'll make them see the light. Several lights, maybe, going around their heads, complete with little bluebirds and stuff._

She smiled.

"So, what's new?" Kakashi asked nonchalantly.

_Round one to Sakura, _she thought. _And I had no idea the game was on. _

She looked at Kakashi, measuring his behaviour, his manner, his reactions.

_Recce. That's what it is. _

"Just ask me what you want to know in plain terms and I'll answer," Sakura told him calmly, then she added, "I trust you, sensei."

Kakashi blinked.

_Round two to Sakura. I reminded him that I'm a member of team seven, too. Although I don't suppose he'd be on Sasuke's side. I don't really care anyway. My team could have done something but they all decided not to. They must have heard what happened. Not from Tenten, she's very close-lipped. I think it was Sasuke's new girl – she had no reason to stay silent. That must have been how the news reached Shikamaru, too. Oh, and Ino. Ino must have known. The unofficial queen of gossip - and she didn't say a word to me. We met several times since then and she always pretended to be concerned with something else._

Sakura's heart filled with gratitude. Tenten, silent, smiling Tenten writing that angry note, leaving her a present. Shy, gentle Hinata, telling her in no uncertain terms she deserved to be happy. Gossipy, loud Ino, staying silent, pretending not to know…

Sakura looked at Kakashi.

_My girlfriends stood by me. None of you did. Not even Naruto. He kept telling me to make it up with Sasuke. He didn't even know what the problem was. He didn't care. _

Kakashi watched her silently and she could look back at him without emotions, without pain or disdain or anger.

_It's not your fault, but I owe you nothing. Anyway, it's not a 'girls do, boys don't' kind of thing – what about Shikamaru?_

Sakura never thought that after all that happened, she could yet feel something new toward Shikamaru, but she did.

_He tried to help me, _she thought and took a deep breath. _He told me the truth. Yesterday he offered me nothing more at first, just a shoulder to cry on - just like he said. If I'd asked him for help to get Sasuke back, he would have bit on his tongue and then would have advised me in my best interest – as he always did in the last few weeks._

She never liked to tell others about her problems with Sasuke, Sakura realized. She didn't want to betray his confidence. But sometimes it was so hard, just so hard… She remembered one particularly disastrous dinner and the next morning when she arrived at the lab, pale, strained, and Shikamaru, looking at her closely, then carefully not saying anything until she asked him in a sudden, unhappy outburst, "Why are men so stupid?"

Then his calm, kind voice, as he said, "Give him time, Sakura. I've never been a missing nin, but I think that spending years away from home, filled with hate and despair, always fighting, always on the run must be a very hard life. I'm sure you'll make it all right. Just think of it as a kind of illness. You wouldn't expect somebody after a grave illness to get well in a day. You can't expect him, either. Give him time."

Sakura swallowed painfully.

_Shikamaru told me to give Sasuke time, even though he was sure that these few weeks were all he himself would ever have of me – the hours we spent together at the lab. Then nothing. He loved me, and he never liked Sasuke, but if I could only be happy with Sasuke, Shikamaru would have bent backwards to make it happen. And then all that misery, all that hate and jealousy that he felt, all that pain – I asked him to forget it all for my sake. I asked him not to hate Sasuke because Sasuke's my friend. And Shikamaru tries. He grinds his teeth and he tries. _

Sakura felt a chill run through her.

Shikamaru seemed to have a kind of inner strength that Sasuke didn't. There was something missing from Sasuke, something important that had nothing to do with his personal tragedy or the life he chose for himself. Fate was cruel to him, true – but he went through life as if this gave him a free pass to behave as immaturely and unfeelingly as he wanted to. Was it so simple? Could it be so simple?

_Naruto would never behave like Sasuke did with me, _Sakura thought. _He can be completely clueless and stupid, no tact at all, but he would have considered this kind of thing too cheap for words. Kakashi, too. He may be a player, but he doesn't brag or cheat. I never heard of a woman he'd hurt or humiliated. He doesn't have it in him to have a long, serious relationship with a woman, he doesn't need that, but he has manners and style and dignity. When did I ever see Kakashi making fun of someone who was less than him in skills or abilities or anything? He could brag all day and strut around Konoha like a peacock and instead he's polite and reserved. He never ridiculed me, either, not even when I was behaving like the twelve-year-old prototype of a stupid, selfish, arrogant bitch. I don't want to be like Sasuke – I would have no excuses. I have my parents and my friends and my sensei… and Shikamaru. _

"Is Sasuke very unhappy?" Sakura asked quietly.

Kakashi's visible eye widened, but he didn't say anything.

"Fine," Sakura said. "You always preached patience, sensei, but I think this is a situation when you would like me to be a bit less patient."

Sakura saw him tense. It would have been invisible to even another nin, but she'd known him for years.

_When you work with someone who insists on covering himself fully, even his face, you learn to read even the tiniest signs of his mood._

"Anyway, we don't have a lot of time," Sakura carried on. "Naruto will drop in sooner or later and Shikamaru will pick me up some time after seven. I'd rather discuss this with you while none of them are present."

Kakashi nodded.

"Sasuke and I broke up because he cheated on me and I happened to catch him in the act. Did he tell you?"

"No," Kakashi answered slowly. "He said he had… problems."

_That could mean anything._

"Fine," Sakura repeated. "Well, you have to know that this… affair with the other girl started after Genma's New Year party, so it wasn't something that Sasuke only did once. So that's over. I would never go back to him. Not in this life. I thought about it a lot, but I'm going to tell Naruto the details. I can't spare him. I tried but I can't. I thought Sasuke would explain things to him and I waited and waited but it's not going to happen, and Naruto still thinks we just quarreled over a trifle or something and wants us to make up. This can't go on."

"I understand," Kakashi said.

"Which brings us to my second point," Sakura said. She was silent for a minute, thinking about how she wanted to say what had to be said, and she decided to be blunt.

"I'm dating Shikamaru now. I love him. If anyone in my team, and I mean _anyone,_ tries to interfere, they will regret it. Deeply."

"I see," Kakashi said noncommittally. "What exactly this would entail, would you please kindly tell me?"

Sakura put her teacup down on the table.

"This is, of course, just a theoretical possibility. So let's suppose that you, sensei, try to interfere and you hurt Shikamaru in some way. The possibilities are, basically, endless, but I think I would choose the easiest available way to get even. I could have all of Jiraiya's books banned in the whole of Fire Country. Any kind of erotica, in fact. Possessions confiscated and destroyed on the spot. Repeated offence is punishable, of course – first, a fine, then… well, it would be up to the Council."

Kakashi winced. The Council had a very conservative approach in most issues.

Sakura smiled humourlessly.

"Note, sensei, that this is me playing nicely. I could do worse things. I don't mean I would do them, but I could."

"Really?" Kakashi said in a disbelieving way.

Sakura let Inner float to the surface for a moment.

"Don't you sometimes feel… tired, sensei?" she said in a sweet voice, and smiled in a way that showed very little mirth and a lot of teeth. "You've been in active service for far too long. The village owes you. Maybe a nice, pleasant new job would do you good… where you could pass on your knowledge that we _all_ feel should be shared… so a nice, cozy teaching job at the Academy is _just_ what you need."

"At the Academy?" Kakashi repeated. A big drop of sweat rolled down his face.

Sakura smiled at him.

"You could work with Iruka sensei. Of course, you should begin with _small_ kids… teaching the basics is _very _important…"

Kakashi picked up his teacup with shaking hands and drank.

Sakura laughed.

"Rest easy," she said. "I told you, I wouldn't do it. But the point is, I could. So I expect you to tell me if Naruto thinks that some kind of prank would make me forget Shikamaru and go back to Sasuke. I can't understand why Naruto's so set on Sasuke and me being together anyway. At the Academy he had this love-hate relationship with Sasuke, true, but if anyone told him that in a few years he would push me into Sasuke's arms, Naruto would have thrown a fit."

Kakashi sighed.

"You gave Naruto a chance to date you and then he realized that his feelings were not the same any more," he said. "But when he started to date Hinata, he still kept an eye on you. Then Sasuke came back and they made their peace, and now Naruto thinks of Sasuke as his other self, so it makes sense that he wants you two to be together. Which you used to want, too. Also, there is that tiny little problem that Naruto thinks that basically you're the anchor that keeps Sasuke here, not him, not anything else. So, if you push Sasuke away, he might disappear again. I don't think that's true, but Naruto feels that way. He was very unhappy and irritated this last week. He kept Sasuke under close surveillance, so to speak."

That was interesting.

"How did Sasuke react?"

"Surprisingly well, considering the circumstances. He told Naruto to butt out of his relationship with you, _he_ never meddled with Hinata, and to stop following him around, he wasn't going anywhere."

"Oh, so he caught on, too," Sakura said, deeply in thought.

"Whatever Sasuke is, he's not stupid," Kakashi said quietly.

"I know," Sakura said. "Basically, this is all good. Today I met Sasuke and his new girlfriend, and I have to say that although he wasn't handling the situation very well, but considering everything, it wasn't that bad, either. I kept looking for any kind of trouble, but his eyes never changed. He was upset and angry, but no sharingan. That's a good sign. Also, when he felt that the situation got out of hand, he didn't become violent. He fled. When he was a child, he used to disappear when things got too emotional for his taste, but when he left Konoha, he changed. A few years ago he would have wiped out everyone in a situation like this in an instant. The emotional tension would have been too high, and he would have flipped. Not now. He's less volatile, less violent."

Kakashi leaned forward.

"So, what did exactly happen? Tell me."

This wasn't about gossip, Sakura thought. This was a team leader's request.

She told him about the encounter with Sasuke as shortly and precisely as she could.

"And the whole showdown was not his idea. His new girlfriend wanted to wipe the floor with me for my supposed sins, and things didn't go the way she thought they would. Sasuke wasn't very happy with her," she finished. "I think Shikamaru was right - that girl is a re-creation of my earlier personality and my supportive role in Sasuke's life. She's another version of me – an enthusiastic fangirl who would give him undiluted, unconditional appraisal and who would not have so many expectations. Or so he thought. Poor guy."

Kakashi seemed thoughtful.

"What did Shikamaru do?"

Sakura shook her head.

"He tried to stay out of it as much as he could. I asked him to try and get along with Sasuke, so he tries. His best bet was to step back. Anyway, we have this agreement that Sasuke is my problem, except if he tries to hurt me. I had to make this concession," she added, looking at Kakashi. "It's too much to ask from any red-blooded male to let his girlfriend's ex hurt her."

Kakashi nodded.

"And how are things with Shikamaru?" he asked and his eyes unobtrusively found the hole in the wall that Shikamaru's fist punched into it.

"I love him," Sakura said without hesitation. "He's great. He loves me, too. I'll take him to dinner to my parents' house tomorrow. He doesn't know that yet."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow.

Sakura smiled.

"Don't worry. He'll love it. He wants to be a part of my life."

She stopped for a moment, then the happiness she felt was too warm, too overwhelming, and she blurted out, "He wants a family. With me. He wants to have children."

Kakashi froze in his place. "Sasuke wants children, too," he said carefully. "He said you were… unsure if you wanted to start a family."

_Another misunderstanding to clear up, _Sakura thought.

"No. Sasuke doesn't want children," she said evenly.

"He does."

Sakura shook her head.

"No. Listen to me, sensei. He doesn't want children. He wants offspring."

"Is there a difference?" Kakashi asked.

"There is a very big difference," Sakura said seriously. "He talks about reviving his clan. That's fine. That's a responsibility I understand. But I had to point it out to him that even having children wouldn't mean that the Uchiha compound would be what it was when he was a child. Not in another fifty years. I don't want my children to grow up in a ghost town and even having ten children would only mean that in twenty or thirty years there would be another generation of Uchiha offspring, that's all. And not all of them would have the Uchiha kekkei genkai. I know it's supposed to be a dominant trait, but even a dominant trait isn't always fully present, there are mutations and variations, and I would definitely put a stop to any kind of inbreeding. That's a procedure with a very high risk, and I know it was common in most big clans, but I'm very strongly opposed to it. I wouldn't want to see my grandchildren married off to each other."

"Did you tell all this to Sasuke?"

"Yes," Sakura sighed. "He wanted to hit me."

Kakashi didn't move a muscle. Still, suddenly there was a faint but palpable aura of menace surrounding him.

"He didn't actually try," Sakura said tiredly. "He thought better. But I could see it in his eyes. So I thought, very well, let's see what we've got, and I took him to see Iruka sensei at the Academy."

She looked at Kakashi.

"I told you. Sasuke doesn't like children. He wasn't interested even in the brightest of them. He was bored and irritated. The sad thing is, the kids behaved really well. Iruka only told them that Sasuke used to be one of his most talented pupils, and he was a jounin-level shinobi – that was very tactful of him. You know how kids at the Academy are. They know I'm a jounin but I'm a medic nin and they suppose that must be the only reason, and for most of them, healing is useful but boring. And I'm a kunoichi. That's a good role model for girls, but the boys… oh, well. But a real, live, male jounin! He used to be a missing nin, too – for the kids, that's about just as good as being a pirate or a mercenary. Very romantic. The last surviving member of the Uchiha clan!"

She shook her head.

"I thought he would feel at least a tiny bit of nostalgy. I thought that maybe he would say a few kind words to the most talented kids at least. There's a Hyuuga cousin at the Academy know, quite good, and someone from the Aburame clan. One of the kids is six, and he can already do chakra walk! Iruka sensei said that this little boy used to climb up on the top of the Academy building to search for lost balls and shurikens, that's how Iruka sensei realized what he was doing. And people say I have perfect chakra control!"

She shook her head again, amazed.

"I visit the Academy regularly, you know. These kids are just… fantastic! And Iruka… he was always a good teacher, but I swear he's getting better every year! He'd deserve a raise! Anyway, Sasuke wasn't interested. Brats, he called them. Let's go home, I'm fed up with the brats. And these were Academy students, sensei. Pre-genin. Responsible. Serious. Hard-working. Basically, small adults with slight mishaps. How would Sasuke cope with a baby? A baby cries and eats and wets her diapers, then cries some more. You can't argue, you can't set rules, you can't stop it. I know what it's like - I have younger cousins and friends with small children. I did a lot of baby-sitting for Kurenai when Aiko was just a few months old."

Sakura thought of Aiko and a long lost and forgotten fragment of a memory rose to the surface from the depth of her mind.

It was Shikamaru again, holding a three-week-old Aiko tenderly in his arms and talking to her with all the seriousness of his seventeen years. The fragment of the memory was like a a short part cut out of a long reel of film. Sakura was looking into the nursery through the half-open door, and Shikamaru was concentrating so fully on Aiko that he never even saw Sakura. Aiko was crying, emitting long, loud wails of misery, and Shikamaru was cradling her in his arms and talking to her as if she could understand him. "I know it hurts. Oh yes. Yes, baby. I can imagine how awful it must be. Tell me, sweetheart. Just tell me. It will be better soon, I promise. Sleep now. Go to sleep, and when you wake up, it won't hurt anymore. Sleep now."

After a time the wails became shorter, less loud, and then Aiko went quiet and Sakura could see that she was asleep, but Shikamaru still held her close and he was watching the baby with an odd mixture of sadness and joy on his face.

_That's why I didn't go in,_ Sakura thought now. _I knew he was thinking of Asuma, and he wasn't looking at Aiko. He was looking at Asuma's child. _

The short reel of film ended, the small memory fragment stayed as it was, a fragment. Sakura didn't know what happened afterwards.

She looked at Kakashi.

"Shikamaru is mature enough to become a husband and a father," she said quietly. "Sasuke is not. Now that I'm talking to you, I'm starting to realize what coming back here meant for Sasuke - a full circle. He is a jounin-level shinobi with considerable skills, but on a personal level he is about fourteen, at least from an emotional point of view. That was why he chose me – because of his memories, because of our past together. I was a safe bet. But I'm not fourteen anymore. I grew up. His instincts still work properly - his mother must have been a remarkable woman. When things didn't work out between us, he chose a new partner, suitable to the actual level of his emotional maturity, and got rid of me. He wouldn't get a gold medal for honesty and integrity, but he built himself a safety net. Good for him."

Kakashi stirred.

"Don't you think that this explanation puts the blame solely on him?" he asked.

"What do you mean, Kakashi?" Sakura said coldly. "Do you mean that it was in some way my fault that he cheated on me?"

"Fault is not a word I would use here," Kakashi said. "But please consider two things. I wouldn't tell you this just because of Sasuke, there seems to be no point, but as you are now with Shikamaru…"

_Kakashi feels responsible for Shikamaru. He probably tries to protect Shika as much as he can because Asuma was a friend. _

"I'm listening."

"One, a man can take a lot of things from the woman in his life. But there is one thing that he surely doesn't want – and that is pity."

"I never pitied Shikamaru!" Sakura said angrily.

"I'm not talking about only Shikamaru here," Kakashi pointed out. "You recognized this yourself a minute ago – Sasuke's new girlfriend worships him and you don't. Not anymore. But there is a wide scale of emotions between worship and pity. That's all I'm saying."

"I still don't see…" Sakura began.

"You were a dutiful little wife, Sakura, and you two weren't even married!" Kakashi said. "What makes you think he wanted a martyr any more than you wanted to take care of a fourteen-year-old?"

"Oh," Sakura said. It made sense.

Kakashi regained his usual calm and said, "Anyway, I can't say that I'm the world's biggest expert on relationships. I like to live alone and the perfect company, in my case, either leaves before midnight or turns back into a pumpkin."

"Or into a sex doll," Sakura said without thinking.

Kakashi laughed.

"Sorry," Sakura said in a high, nervous voice. "I wasn't thinking…"

Kakashi waved his hand.

"Never mind. As I was saying, I'm not an expert, but I can see how things work for others. So it helps if you try to think of people in relationships as plants and climates."

"Climates?" Sakura asked doubtfully.

"Do you remember Mr Ukki?"

"Of course," Sakura said automatically. "Your plant."

She closed her mouth firmly so as not to shout at her sensei. What would Mr Ukki and the men in her life have in common?

Kakashi seemed amused and Sakura forced herself to sit calmly.

_He's doing this on purpose. This is something important._

"When I go on a long mission, I usually ask Naruto to water Mr Ukki for me," he said. "He usually forgets, then, once in every two weeks, when he remembers, he pours a glass of water on my plant, then forgets again. Then, just before I come home, he gets scared and starts to water poor Mr Ukki until the plant's flooded and starting to suffocate, then I come home and pour the water out, and everything's back to normal."

Sakura tried to be very Zen and meditate on the possible outcome of this very interesting story about Naruto's housekeeping habits, but Inner was watching the beautiful, pointed heels of the new shoes and measuring distances and angles to see if Sakura could kick Kakashi so that it would seem accidental.

Kakashi, as if on cue, sat a bit further on the sofa and crossed his legs.

_Gah,_ Inner said disdainfully. _Coward._

"The problem is," Kakashi said, seemingly unaware that he was boring Sakura to tears, "that no matter how much I approve of Naruto dating Hinata, she spends too much time with him for Mr Ukki."

Sakura's eyebrows shot up. Did Kakashi think that Mr Ukki would see…uh, inappropriate things? Maybe Mr Ukki wasn't of age yet? Really, was it a _Mr _Ukki anyway? _Gee, Naruto, you shouldn't kiss Hinata in front of Mr Ukki! He's too young, he'd never produced any pollens yet!_

Sakura looked at her own flowers in the windowbox with a rather doubtful expression on her face.

_Poor sensei must be really lonely, _Inner said. _Either that, or right now there are lots of older plants explaining certain things to the younger plants on the meadow. Does grass count? I mean, just think of what you'd feel in their place. I'd hate somebody to have sex on top of me…_

Sakura wanted to kick Inner, too.

_If that helps, I think most of the plants were having sex around us in their own way,_ Inner offered helpfully. _After all, it's spring. All that blossoming and stuff…_

Kakashi was still going on and on about his plant, speaking slowly and peacefully as if he had all the time in the world. He usually did. In the meantime, somewhere else there were usually other people waiting for him in vain and cursing furiously, but that was in _their _time zone. "I know she's a great girl, but she watered Mr Ukki every day like clockwork. Naruto only told her that I wanted him to water Mr Ukki, so she dutifully did so when she thought he forgot. But Mr Ukki is a succulent," he finished in a triumphant voice.

Sakura considered committing suicide out of sheer boredom and stabbing herself to death with a pelargonium. Or, rather, telling Kakashi to go and sit on a cactus.

"And your point is, sensei…?" she inquired, sending a prayer to all the powers that be to send Shikamaru back as soon as possible.

Kakashi looked at her.

"Really, Sakura, you're usually smarter than this," he said. "I know that every generation thinks they invented sex, but I'm telling you, it's the usual way to perpetuate the species. Get your mind out of the gutter, and…"

"I was only thinking about plants," Sakura said defensively.

Kakashi snorted.

"I don't understand the analogy between Mr Ukki and sex," she said. "If it's got to do something with pollen allergy…"

"I said relationship, not sex," Kakashi sighed. "Really, Sakura. Anyway, what I meant was that Naruto only provided the necessary amount of water for Mr Ukki who is a succulent. A succulent is a desert plant…"

"…and it stores water. I know. That's why… Oh!"

She looked at Kakashi, eyes wide open.

_Kakashi gave Mr Ukki to Naruto because he can take care of a desert plant that doesn't need a lot of water. But Hinata watered it every day – pure goodwill on her part, but with a disastrous effect. Poor Mr Ukki._

"What does it all have to do with me?" she asked in a tiny voice.

"Usually plants are not destroyed by the climate of their own natural habitat, except if it's a natural disaster like a hurricane or a forest fire. Jungle plants flourish in a tropical climate, and desert plants do just fine with very little water. But if you think of Sasuke as a succulent or a cactus, and yourself as a tropical climate, you'll see what I mean. It's not your fault, no more than a tropical climate could be at fault for providing too much sun and too much rain. But for a desert plant, it would be a catastrophe. You tried to give Sasuke as much tender loving care as you could, and he simply doesn't need it."

"But why didn't he tell me?" Sakura interrupted Kakashi. She didn't like this whole analogy with the plants and climates (_Sensei thinks of women as climates, and poor men as plants, unable to move or do anything, helpless against Nature, _Inner said with contempt), but he had a point.

"I don't think he knows it himself," Kakashi said. "I don't think he realized why he felt uneasy with you. You do all the things that a proper housewife and mother would do, just like his own mother did, so all his memories about his family tell him that you are doing things right. But he spent years as a missing nin. He was very young when his whole clan was wiped out. He is self-reliant. I recognize his behaviour because it is similar to mine. If you started to cook dinner for me every day, I'd bail out after a week. You're a sweet girl and I'm sure the food would be excellent, but when I come home from a mission I want to be alone, and if having dinner ready means I have to talk to someone whether I feel like it or not, I'd rather have beer and stale chips."

Sakura couldn't help but stare at Kakashi. She couldn't remember the last time he talked about anything personal at length. Over the years they had long discussions about several subjects, but Kakashi never shared details about his private life.

"You were worried about both of us," she said slowly. "I'm sorry, sensei. But… if things are like that, then it's better that Sasuke and I aren't together anymore, isn't it?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I have no idea whether it's better or not. That's none of my business anyway. I just wanted to tell you that if it was, in a way, inevitable that you two were drawn to each other, then maybe it's also inevitable that you broke up in the end."

He looked at Sakura.

"You didn't make a mistake with Sasuke," he said quietly. "You took care of him. People are, of course, a lot more complicated than plants. You tried to nurse him back to health mentally, emotionally and physically, and let him grow as much as he could next to you, and then you let him go when he wanted to go. You helped him build up another personality, sort of. Change back into the person he would have become if he stayed. Now he gets another chance at living a normal life instead of going on a killing spree and ending up as a common criminal in the bingo book. You've done a great job and you're free. But things will be different with Shikamaru. Sasuke was always a lonely sort of person. Shikamaru…"

He shook his head.

"He won't walk away from you. That's the good thing and the bad thing. You can't just… If it's just a rebound…"

Sakura watched him struggle with himself, to warn her but still not to betray a secret, Shikamaru's secret.

"Sensei," she said quietly. "It's all right. He told me everything that he could, I mean everything that wasn't classified info. I know about ANBU and his… special squad. I know what you said to him about getting out before there's nothing left from his soul but a stub."

"He told you?" Kakashi repeated, unbelieving.

"Yes. And I told him everything about myself. I still want him and he wants me. I would have stayed with Sasuke if he needed me, even though I wasn't very happy. We all do lots of things in life because they have to be done, not because doing these things make us happy. But with Shikamaru…"

Sakura smiled and looked at Kakashi. "Don't worry. I'm a tropical climate, but he's a jungle plant. Anything I pour on him, he wants more. He's a keeper."

Kakashi looked relieved.

"Did Sasuke tell you anything about the break-up at all?" Sakura asked him.

"No," Kakashi said curtly. "Today he told Naruto to shut up or he'd kick all his teeth out if he mentioned you and making up in the same sentence again, and then Sai said that the problem was that Sasuke and Naruto both had very small penises, and that ended the discussion as such, but I was lucky enough to see that Sai could avoid both a rasengan and a fireball if he had an inkbird ready. What did you think?"

"What did Yamato say?"

"He still isn't back from his mission. Otherwise he would be either sitting here with me, or he would be out with the boys and practicing his scary glare at Sasuke. Yamato's partial to you."

"Good," Sakura said. "I mean, it's good that he likes me, and not good that he isn't back yet."

"He'll be back by Thursday. He sent me a message to tell you that he'd like some extra tempura. I have no idea how he can eat something like that."

"What am I, his personal cook?" Sakura asked, trying to sound dignified and hurt and failing. She loved it that they all circled around her, like planets around the sun. It all started when she moved to an apartment of her own. At first it was only Naruto, insisting on coming to see her every week, especially if they were in separate teams, then Sai came with him, too, then they brought Yamato and Kakashi, and by the time Sasuke came back, it was a Tradition. Once a week the boys gathered at her place, and they shopped for food before and washed up (and sometimes broke) the dishes afterwards, but it was always, without exception, her turn to cook.

_At first I was a pretty awful cook, _Sakura thought. _Still, they ate everything I cooked for them and they liked it. It's the closest they've got to a family, I guess. Food and drink and laughter and Naruto's pranks. Maybe that was why Sasuke decided to ask me out. With all of them together around my table, it was a loud, strange, happy family and he wanted it for himself. But with just him and me… it was silent._

"You know, I often wondered if you guys have a secret society that I'm excluded of because I'm a woman," Sakura said, looking at Kakashi.

Kakashi looked back, clueless.

Sakura gave him an evil little smile.

"You know, secret society? With a secret handshake and everything? With a tree house somewhere where Naruto shuts up, Sasuke talks about his feelings and you read books with a moral?"

Kakashi hiccuped, then gave a sound like a snort and asked, "What about Yamato?"

"Well, he decides on one of his two personalities and sticks with it," Sakura said.

"Nope. Can't see that happening," Kakashi said happily. He put his cup back on the table and Sakura leaned forward at the same time and her hand touched Kakashi's arm by accident.

Her next move was automatic. She saw Kakashi's eye widen, but by then her right hand landed on his chest with full force, stopping and pulverizing his heart in the same second.

There was a sudden noise, like a shot, as air poured in to fill out the place that a second ago was occupied by a body.

"The bastard!" Sakura screeched. "I open up my heart to him and share my deepest feelings with him… and all the while it wasn't him, it was _this_! The bloody bastard! He sent me a _clone!_"

She looked at her sofa, empty, then at the teacup, still almost full. The clone had already disappeared.

"And if I hadn't touched him, I would never have known!"

_I'm not even sure he knew you could tell that it was a clone, _Inner said. _Most people can't. They don't sense the irregularities in the blood flow and the chakra flow._

"I don't care," Sakura said. "I told him before how much I hated it when he disappeared in the middle of a conversation. He promised me never to do it again."

She sat on the sofa and thought about Kakashi. She was sure that if Kakashi had found her crying and unhappy, Shikamaru would have had a very unpleasant evening. But Kakashi was always careful. He came to see her to decide what had to be done, and he _listened_ to her. But what about the boys? Would she be able to persuade them that what she had with Shikamaru was serious?

Sai could be a nuisance if he wanted to, but he wasn't deeply involved in this. Sasuke was no problem anymore – he had no right to interfere and he knew it.

Naruto.

She didn't want to hurt Naruto but she would not let him hurt Shikamaru, either. That was the problem with family, she thought grimly – they always thought they knew better.

Maybe it would have been easier on them all if things had been a little slower, Sakura thought, but it just didn't happen that way. She _was_ a tropical climate. Warm, suffocatingly intense, volatile, every storm followed by sunshine. And Shikamaru loved intense. His face was cold but his heart wasn't.

It was not a budding attraction between them, not something tentative and shy, waiting to unfurl like a leaf. No, it was an act of recognition, a chemical reaction. They tried to take it slow and they couldn't. Once the catalyst was introduced, there was no way to slow down, to withhold. Two forces of nature, colliding, changing and merging.

_You. It is you._

It wasn't a question of whether she would give this up, because she couldn't. Not for anyone's sake – not for her team, not for her friends, not for her parents. If she had to fight them all, she would.

_You will have to accept this, Naruto, whether you like it or not. _

She heard Naruto's shrill voice outside on the street. A minute later, there came a mixture of sounds from the corridor that reminded her of a herd of animals climbing the steps, allowing, of course, that said animals also possessed the ability of speech that made it possible for them to grunt, shout, and hum at the same time.

_If you think you did them a favour by sending a clone here, Kakashi, you are wrong, _Sakura thought. _But we'll see if any of them is stupid enough to think that they can tell me what to do, especially if it has anything to do with Shikamaru. Well, I'm just in the mood to deal with all of them now. Climates, bah. I'll show him climates._

She stood up and went to open the door.

_Let them come. Poor little plants. They start to meddle and piss me off, and then they'll see what happens. It's hurricane time. _


	14. Chapter 14

Sakura rested her forehead against the door and sighed deeply as she listened to her team coming up the stairs.

Then she smiled. She thought of Shikamaru, his intense way of looking at her as if she was the only person, the only thing that mattered in the world, his sudden, unexpected smile, his gentle touch, and happiness was wrapped around her like a warm winter cloak. It didn't matter what her team thought. She loved Shikamaru and Shikamaru loved her and they would always be together and on Monday they would work together in the lab and they could kiss each other as many times as they wanted to.

Hell, they could kiss each other as many times as they wanted to this evening! They were going out together and then she would probably spend the night at Shikamaru's place – in his bed, to be exact.

There was just one more thing to do - just have a talk with her team, to make them understand that she was capable of making decisions on her own and although she was touched by their concern, really, they had no right to question her or judge her or decide anything about her. Then everything would be fine.

She sighed again. She could admit to herself that she was a little afraid of this talk. Naruto and Sasuke argued a lot but they usually agreed when it had anything to do with her. And Sai cared about her, too – in his own way. Which meant that there would be some unexpected turns in the discussion and the situation might get out of hand as she would have to deal with a loose cannon.

Three loose cannons, to be correct.

She wished that Yamato were back already. He was always reasonable and he never liked Sasuke that much. Yamato kept all his concerns to himself and he and Sasuke were never openly hostile with each other, but he always looked at Sasuke with a certain detachment.

She thought of Shikamaru again. Was it wrong that she started to lean on him so much in such a short time, even if only emotionally? Was it, in some way, making her clingy and stupid that she wanted him to stand by her, to be next to her right now?

No, she thought. Shikamaru was on her side. Always. Without a question. If this were a battle situation, she would be insane to dismiss a strong, capable, trustworthy member of her team for no better reason than shortsighted vanity.

So she could admit that she wished, not for the first time, that Shikamaru was present.

If that was impossible, then she really would have preferred this day to be a normal day. A normal, boring, usual day.

Normal, on the other hand, held a slightly different meaning with her team.

When she opened the door, Naruto was already leaning against it, which meant that after a tiny little push he just stumbled in. Luckily, the sofa stopped him before he broke anything.

From the self-satisfied look on Sasuke's face, Sakura suspected that the tiny little push was administered by Sasuke. Then Naruto stood up and started hollering about the bastard shoving him in, and Sai said that it was stupid to lean against a door which one expected to be opened, and Sakura knew that her guess was probably correct.

For a second she almost forgot about all her troubles and smiled. It was one of the usual variations of team 7 entering any room.

Then Kakashi ambled in with a look of complete innocence on his face, partly covered by the mask, and Sakura felt the tension return.

"Hello, sensei," she said with a too-sweet smile. "You left so suddenly... But your tea is still warm. If the taste is a bit off, that's just because of the arsenic."

"You put arsenic in his tea?" Sai asked with mild interest.

"Yes, it's good for the skin," Sakura said.

"But isn't arsenic a kind of poison?" Naruto asked with a frown. "Or is that anemic?"

"You're an idiot," Sasuke murmured absentmindedly. He was looking at Sakura with something in his eyes that was close to...fear?

_Nah, it's impossible, _Sakura thought._ I can't remember Sasuke looking afraid. Ever. Not even when we were kids._

Sakura looked at Sai who was happily listing all the poisons that she could have put in Kakashi's tea without any of them being aware of it, and when she looked back at Sasuke he was his usual boring, stuffy, arrogant self with the usual condescending half-smile on his lips.

"Would you like some tea, boys?" she asked.

"I want ramen," Naruto said without thinking. "I don't think I like arsenic, so I want my ramen without it," he added.

"You can't have ramen now," Sakura said, her patience waning fast.

"Why not?" Naruto asked with eyes open wide, aiming for a sad puppy look.

"Because you've just eaten ramen, and..."

"How do you know?" Naruto asked, dancing around her excitedly. "Sakura, you're a genius! Isn't she a genius?"

Sai and Sasuke looked at each other and in a rare show of agreement rolled their eyes in exactly the same way.

Sakura stifled her laugh.

"Naruto, you still have pieces of boiled egg and noodles on your shirt," she said as gently as possible.

_You shouldn't bother with trying to tell him things in a polite way, _Inner stated. _It's a waste of time._

Sakura had to agree. Naruto, instead of being embarrassed of wearing part of his meal on his clothing, was already trying to lick his shirt without pulling it completely off which meant that his shirt was on its way of getting a very peculiar, sari-like look by being twisted this way and that.

Sakura could foresee in the near future the moment when Naruto would first find the perfect position for licking off the last piece of noodle, then would find his shirt wrapped around his head and then he would be trying to free himself desperately and in the meantime would be stumbling around blindly, breaking and scattering objects in his path.

_It wouldn't be the first time_, Inner said. _The last time he did this, it was pretty funny. And that vase was butt-ugly anyway._

Sakura agreed with Inner but now she really could do without any more problems. If Yamato couldn't grow her a bed, she would have to buy a new one and that would cost a pretty penny. It would be better not to get anything broken, torn, shredded or shattered in the meantime. She might not be able to afford a replacement.

She sighed. She loved Naruto but she would never be able to understand how it was possible that a man who was that strong, that cold-blooded and dangerous in battle could be such a perfect imitation of the village idiot in his private life.

She guessed it was just that the balance had to be maintained in some way.

Like Kakashi, she thought. She never knew anyone who would be late so often and provide such ridiculously flimsy excuses for it. On the other hand, Kakashi was never late on a mission – he had this uncanny ability of arriving at the most opportune moment, sometimes even being right on the spot where something important happened without any logical reason.

Or like Sai. Sai was always smiling and was generally considered a nice guy. By strangers, that is. All the stupid questions and the hair-raising explanations and the conversation stoppers were aimed at team seven. Sakura could see how Sai slowly started to accept Sasuke's presence when he returned – at first Sai was painstakingly polite with Sasuke, and then after a few weeks she heard Sai explain to Sasuke that Naruto had a small penis but Sasuke, too, had very little to be proud of in that department, and then Sasuke called Sai a dickhead, and the usual melee followed, and that evening the three boys got so drunk together that the next day all the time they were supposed to be training, they were lying under a big tree on training ground three instead and groaning pitifully while Kakashi was mercilessly pummeling Sakura into the ground on the pretense of "perfecting her taijutsu."

Naruto was now well in the process of fixing the shirt around his head in a way that, as much as Sakura could see, would either stop his breathing completely and asphyxiate him or would permanently flatten his nose.

Sakura sighed again. Taking deep, calming breaths was advisable whenever her team was around.

With one accurate, strong but careful pull she twisted the shirt back to its original shape and growled in a way that stopped Naruto in his tracks.

For almost a whole second.

"I'm still hungry," he said and started toward the kitchen.

Sakura pulled him back.

"You can't have ramen now," she said again. "Anyway, you have a date with Hinata this evening. You're taking her out, and..."

"Yes, we're going to Ichiraku!" Naruto said, his face glowing.

For a second Sakura felt sad. He was so perfectly happy with Hinata, and Hinata was so perfectly happy with him... Then she remembered Shikamaru.

She had Shikamaru now. She smiled.

For some reason the memory that came to her mind was an older one, a moment they shared in the lab. It was late, almost night, but they wanted to finish the next series in the experiment, so they stayed longer than usual. Sakura looked out the window and when she turned back, she caught Shikamaru watching her with a gentle little smile on his lips. She wanted to say something but couldn't find the words, and Shikamaru just didn't take his eyes off her, and she looked back, and it wasn't as if time stopped but as if that one moment was pulled out further and further until it was not only longer but somehow deeper and slower and heavier, too. They watched each other in silence and there was something in the air, almost tangible but still unnamed, unchartered, unknown, and it had something to do with heat. Sakura felt like the flame of a candle, burning brighter and brighter until she was all fire, and then Shikamaru suddenly turned and left the lab and closed the door behind him. She wanted to go after him, talk to him, but somehow knew that she wasn't allowed to, that it was something that was best left undiscussed.

When he came back a few minutes later he was his usual cold, reserved self, and they started to talk about the next experiment. Whatever it was, it was over.

But now – oh, now she knew all the hows and whys.

_He loves me. _

Every time she thought that, there was something to give weight and substance to the words. There was no need to ask questions and consult friends. It was all there, like one of those pictures that showed one thing if you held them this way and another one if you turned the picture upside down or looked at it more closely.

She raised her head and saw that everyone in the room was watching her.

"You can have an apple," she said to Naruto with a smile.

Naruto shook his head, slowly and gravely, as if he was saying no to something else, not to her offer, and he looked at Sasuke.

Sasuke looked back and there was something in his eyes...

Sasuke and Naruto glanced at each other one more time and then looked away, and there was nothing in that look but a mutual understanding.

_They are talking, _Inner said, interested. _Like they used to. They don't need words. _

Then both of them looked back at her and Naruto said slowly, sadly, "There's something we should talk about, Sakura-chan. You won't like it. I'm so, so sorry..."

For a second Sakura felt terror clawing at her with sharp, heavy claws.

"Did something happen?" she asked in a high, nervous voice. She looked at Kakashi.

_Oh, God, not him. Not Shikamaru. Or my parents. Or Ino._

Kakashi knew what she was really asking. He needed no explanation.

"No," Kakashi said curtly. "Nothing's wrong."

Sakura closed her eyes and her lips trembled.

Kakashi knew about Shikamaru and her. If he said there was nothing wrong then nobody was dead or hurt or...

Oh, thank God. Thank God.

Now this was something they all understood – how the simplest words like "sorry" and "I have something to say" would usually be followed by words that would shatter lives, never to be repaired.

Naruto didn't meet her eyes, but Sai and Sasuke looked at her and Sai said in his precise, unemotional voice, "Nobody is hurt."

Sakura nodded.

Naruto said, "But we're afraid that you will be."

There was such misery in his eyes that for a moment she was scared that what he had to say would be something really terrible.

Then Naruto started talking again and his sentences were very much like his dry, short, to-the-point commands on the battlefield.

Gossip. Shikamaru Nara. Gossip. Bars, girls, missions. Girls. ANBU. Girls.

Sakura. Sasuke. Rebound. Emotionally vulnerable. Not the right person. Try one more time.

Sakura automatically kept nodding until now, but now she felt she had something to add to her side of the discussion that, until now, was mainly providing a background of silence for Naruto's monologue.

"No," she said plainly.

"What?" Naruto asked, and rubbed his face tiredly.

"I just said no," Sakura said patiently. "I'm not going back to Sasuke. It's over. The sooner you accept that, Naruto, the better it will be for all of us."

"You can't just end a relationship like that, Sakura," Naruto said. "Just because of a stupid quarrel. You always loved him, and he loves you, I know he does..."

What was Naruto talking about? What? Really, now. Sasuke _still_ didn't have the guts to tell Naruto what really happened? Well, maybe telling him about the in flagranti thing was unnecessary, but about the other girl...?

She looked at Sasuke, but he was now scrutinizing the floor with such rapt attention as if there was something written on it that might change the fate of mankind.

Sakura looked at him more closely.

Sasuke was ashamed, she could see that. Unhappy, too... And... yes. He was afraid.

Sakura's thoughts were moving fast.

_Naruto could always protect me as long as I was with Sasuke. He could destroy Sasuke in a heartbeat any way he chose... Oh. So that's why Sasuke didn't tell him why we broke up. Oh... oh, dear God... is that why he didn't tell me he wanted to leave me, either? The idiot. He thought that if he made me unhappy, we would just drop him like a hot potato – Naruto, too. Sasuke came home because he realized that he only had us... and if he made the princess unhappy, he could lose everything. The way they glanced at each other just right now... it was just like when we were genin. "Don't let Sakura get hurt." Oh, the stupid asshole. He doesn't know me at all. But then why did he let me find it out that way? Why? Oh. I see. Acting out. Just like when he was a kid. When he couldn't solve a situation, he kept pushing it away until the pressure became too big. And then he just let things shatter. Never explain, never complain, never show you're hurt. Push away, strike out. Go with a bang, not with a whimper. Except this time things didn't quite happen that way..._

She opened her mouth to tell the truth to Naruto and then she looked at Sasuke again. And then at Naruto.

_The last time, _she thought. _For Naruto's sake, for the sake of our childhood together, for all the times Sasuke protected us both. And for the clean break, as Shika said. A final gift. I won't tell Naruto anything – nothing about that girl, or what really happened. Go, Sasuke. Go freely. No resentment. No righteous anger._

"Naruto," she said softly. "We... quarrelled, yes. But that was... that was only making the end obvious for both of us. Sasuke and I both knew that this thing between us wasn't working. It's not his fault, and it's not mine, either. It just happens sometimes. Don't you remember when the last war ended and you still wanted to date me and I said yes, and it all felt so strange?"

Naruto watched her and then nodded and smiled softly.

"Only because you don't like ramen," he said.

Sasuke looked at Sakura, and Sakura smiled at him, her usual gentle, understanding smile.

Sasuke opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but then he didn't. He blushed and looked the other way.

Naruto didn't notice. He was still thinking about what Sakura said.

Sai, on the other hand, was watching everything with sharp-eyed interest.

Kakashi was sitting in the armchair behind Sakura, and she had no time to take a look at him to see if he agreed with what she was doing, but she was sure that he would not interfere. He almost never did.

"And you know that Hinata dated others before you. Ino dated a lot of guys, too," Sakura argued. "Things don't always work out the way they were supposed to. Only sometimes it's obvious after a few dates, and sometimes it... it just sort of cracks a bit later. That's what happened to Sasuke and me. It's finished. There's nothing we could do or want to do about it."

Naruto slowly nodded, but he didn't look happy.

"And what about Shikamaru?" he asked. "You're with him now, aren't you?"

Sai interrupted the discussion before Sakura had a chance to answer.

"There's something I'd like to know," he said. "Shikamaru sleeps a lot around. Guys who do that usually have either a very big or a very small penis. Now, which one is it in his case?"

Sakura, for a second, wasn't sure if she had been breathing in or breathing out before Sai asked his question. She hiccuped once.

Naruto started shouting so loud the windowpanes shook - something about Sakura-chan being a nice girl and not a tramp and Sai being an idiot and obsessed with dicks, but Sakura got sort of stuck with the first half of the sentence.

_Oh, Naruto, if you only knew, _she thought guiltily. _No, I'm not a tramp, no, but oh, Shika, oh... He knows what to do with what he's got, and I have no idea how he compares to other guys, but I don't think I care... _

She remembered being filled so completely, his arms around her, his face buried in her neck, his scent, his skin, the way he laughed and said, „Frosty sheets..." as if it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard in his life, and then she thought of all the things she wanted to do with Shikamaru, only with him, never ever with anybody else, like going to a bookshop and choosing books together, and going dancing, and watching clouds, and playing shogi, and yes, making love again on that hill on the Nara estate, surrounded by all those flowers, and staying in bed on a Sunday morning, listening to the raindrops on the roof, and...

There was so much _beauty_ in the world, she thought, amazed and grateful. And it was so _simple. _She was always trying to do the right thing all those months with Sasuke and before that with Lee, always aiming to be kinder, softer, more understanding, reining in her temper, cooking and cleaning and wearing make-up and _smiling_, and then doing her job at the hospital, the sweet, kind, efficient Dr Haruno, being nice to patients and colleagues, never letting the strain show...

_The last time someone took care of you..._

No. She was the one who took care of others. It was her job.

She looked at her team. After a short, mutual, surprised silence when Naruto finished shouting, now they were happily and loudly arguing about penis sizes (Sai) and women's rights and their right to choose (Kakashi) and prices in a brothel in Mist (Sai again, what on earth had he been doing there? And what did that have to do with anything?), meddling idiots (Sasuke), and nice girls who deserve better (Naruto), and she shook her head.

She had been so tired, so unhappy, and for such a long time. This whole situation was such a perfect example! She loved her team, loved them all, but it was always her who had to be the adult – mature and understanding and kind and forgiving. Her team didn't use her, they weren't evil or small-minded or selfish, but they felt she was _theirs_, and while the boys relaxed and felt happy when they were with her, she felt like a china figurine that was adored and handled around by a bunch of clumsy four-year-olds. She always had to be on guard.

With Shikamaru, she could be a child again. No, that wasn't true, either. She was a whole person and he knew that. Sometimes she was a child and she was allowed to throw a tantrum and behave stupidly and shout and cry and laugh, and sometimes she was the adult who protected and healed and understood, and Shikamaru knew this instinctively and let her be like she was anyway – clingy and too emotional and shy and violent and caring and _everything_, and he never expected her to _behave_.

This was like a dance, too, but not something with set steps like a tango. It was their own dance, and they could choose the steps.

The members of her team were still arguing, and, as usual, they all heard and understood each other but did not seem to be interested in anyone else's arguments but their own.

There was a knock on the door, but it sounded too shy to be Shikamaru's.

Sakura opened the door and found Hinata on the doorstep.

"H-hello," she said demurely. "N-naruto left me a note that he would be coming here and we should meet at your place, but I hope I'm not a nuisance..."

Sakura looked back at the boys. Sasuke and Naruto were glaring at each other and Naruto was shouting something about training in mud(?) while he was trying to hit Sai's head who kept pulling away, and Sasuke was saying that he didn't care and the idiot had exactly five seconds to get off his back or else. Only Kakashi was sitting there as a perfect gentleman, his legs crossed, drinking his tea.

Hinata, who was always polite and always attentive to detail, said, "Oh, you look wonderful. What a lovely dress!"

"Thank you," Sakura said happily. "It was a gift."

She realized that none of her team noticed her new dress, except Kakashi, and even Kakashi did not praise her looks. She felt a little sad.

Then Kakashi looked up and said to Hinata, "Hello, come in and have some arsenic tea with me."

"Arsenic tea?" Hinata asked in a muffled voice.

Sakura rolled her eyes.

"Just his peculiar sense of humour. Come in. You're never a nuisance, and I'm always glad to have another voice of reason with me in this madhouse. Shut UP!" she shouted at the boys.

The resulting silence was almost deafening – for about ten seconds. Then Naruto started whining.

"Sakura-chan, you're evil! You're always shouting at us, and hitting us, and making us eat vegetables, and... and..."

His indignant outbreak would have carried more weight with her, Sakura thought, if Naruto did not have Sai's head under his arm and was not trying to suffocate him while complaining, and also if he and Sasuke were not trying to aim furtive kicks at each other while she was watching them.

Hinata coughed softly and it had a magical effect on everyone. Kakashi straightened his back, Naruto let Sai go, and the boys all sat back on the sofa as if a minute ago they had not been participating in a tumultuous scene that looked like as if it was meant to be a tableau titled "Three Shinobi Fighting in a Room, or Madness in Motion."

Sakura suppressed a smile. Hinata generally had this effect on her boys. She was sweet and gentle and good-mannered, and Naruto loved her, but also, for some reason, none of them wanted to seem ridiculous if Hinata was there.

"We were talking about my new boyfriend," Sakura said evenly. "I told them that I did not want to go back to Sasuke, and what's more, Sasuke does not want me back, either, and I'm with Shikamaru now. But Naruto doesn't seem to..."

She couldn't finish because Naruto went red in the face and he said, "You can't do that, Sakura! You can't be with Shikamaru! He'll just use you, like all those girls! In the last few months whenever I walked into a bar, I swear he was always there – and it was always with a different girl!"

Sasuke looked at Naruto grimly.

"You miss the point, as usual," he said slowly. He turned to Sakura. "Sakura, I know I have no right to tell you what to do. Maybe not even to offer advice. But Nara is dangerous. Please, believe me. You may not believe me, but I..."

He sighed and seemed to struggle with the words.

"I never meant to hurt you," he said. His voice sounded scratchy. "I wouldn't like to see someone else hurt you, either. The Naras can do in Konoha whatever they please. We won't be able to protect you, no matter what happens. No matter how much he hurts you."

For a moment everyone was silent, then Naruto whispered, "You were always naive..."

Sakura stood there, watching him, watching them, and had no idea what they were talking about.

"_You're so naive, Sakura-chan..."_

The sentence now sounded like it was said in Kakashi's voice, but Kakashi was just sitting there and his lips were not moving under the mask. Where did this sentence come from?

And suddenly the walls were a lot further and the floor was redwood with beautiful medallion inlays and there were people around, laughing and whispering and drinking, and there were big crystal chandeliers sparkling over them because it was the big ballroom in the daimyo's palace.

Tsunade-sama had sent her there with a message (and an undercover mission) as her ambassador, and when the message was answered and the mission was completed, Sakura was invited to a soirée in the palace.

Tsunade told her to expect that; in fact, the Hokage would have been affronted if her (temporary) ambassador had been treated with anything less than full respect. People were very polite to Sakura but she saw that that was just good manners, not real interest - in court she was a nonentity. She didn't mind. There were lots of things to see and hear and taste and there was lots of champagne, and the ladies' dresses were a sight for any sore eye, and the best thing was, Kakashi arrived the night before and he was invited to the soirée, too, and he wore a tux, which was something that most girls in Konoha would have paid to see, thank you very much... but, unfortunately, he still had the mask on, too.

Sakura enjoyed herself a lot and watched Kakashi with pleasure but she could see that although they were both invited, and she as temporary ambassador was treated with utmost politeness, Kakashi was still different. He was in a class of his own. He could belong here – if he wanted to.

"Hatake," she heard the whisper. "The White Fang's son."

She always knew that her sensei came from an old and distinguished family, and she was so proud of him, so proud. Not that she was a relative or anything, but still...

And then she saw a beautiful young woman wave at her husband and disappear through a door to the balcony, and then one of the courtiers went through the same door a minute later.

Sakura wouldn't have given it a thought if the courtier had not looked around with a furtive glance before he was gone from the ballroom, too.

She shrugged and had another glass of champagne. Her mission was over, she was having fun. All the courtiers and all the pretty ladies could do as they pleased.

Except that half an hour later she saw the lady appear in the ballroom again, and at the same time the young courtier came through another door... and Sakura knew exactly where they had been and what they had been doing.

And then she saw the husband – an older courtier, his rank lower than that of the young lover. Sakura knew that he saw it all, too, and there was a lump in her stomach.

And then the older courtier smiled, a wide, satisfied smile, and nodded to his wife who came to him smiling and put her arm through his.

"Stop staring, Sakura," Kakashi said in a hiss.

"But they..."

"I know," Kakashi said and his arm was around her shoulder, like an iron band, and he was walking her out to the balcony, and he was smiling and whispering to her, and when they were out, she tried to push his arm off, but he just turned her to look at him. They were alone.

"What did you think?" he whispered.

"She's his wife!" she whispered back indignantly.

Kakashi shook his head. "Some people would do anything to have more influence, but it's none of our business. Don't make a mess here. Don't say a word, don't even look."

"But..."

Kakashi sighed.

"Sakura-chan, you're so naive."

Now Sakura looked around her living room and tried to make sense of what her friends said. This memory came to her mind for a reason – maybe not a clearly visible, logical reason, but for a reason nevertheless.

There was something here that she didn't understand, something that she overlooked – but her friends knew what they were talking about, they understood the unspoken sentiment, the words that were never said.

She looked around again.

Kakashi was looking grim. Naruto's mouth was pursed, but his eyes were sad, not angry. Hinata covered her mouth with one hand. Sakura remembered this back from when they were both children – Hinata always felt for anyone who was hurt or scolded or ridiculed, and she covered her mouth as if she were the one who made a blunder, and her eyes, yes, they went wide just like this.

Sasuke was looking at the floor, there was something bitter and ashamed in the way he was sitting, his shoulders looked so tense.

Sai looked up at her for a minute, gave his artifical smile then looked back at the pen in his hand. He was drawing something in his sketchbook.

_He's the only one beside me who doesn't know what they mean._

She looked back at Naruto. He sighed, then said very quietly, "Compared to them, we are powerless."

His voice was even, calm, quite unlike his usual happy outbursts.

Then he added, "When you were with Sasuke, I could always stand by you. But with Shikamaru and his clan..."

Sakura couldn't understand it at first. If Shikamaru cheated on her or made her unhappy, she was quite capable of dealing with that on her own, thank you very much, but her team, of course, would not leave it at that.

About three years ago there was a guy who was very insistent on asking her out. She said no – there was something in his eyes, in his look she didn't like. He tried again. She still said no.

The next day she saw the guy on the street and resignedly got ready for another verbal struggle, but when the guy saw her he scurried away without a word, his face a study in terror.

Ino, of course, supplied the details gladly. The man in question, it seemed, made a bet concerning Sakura and a hot night. The next day Naruto and Kakashi knocked on his door. Nobody knew what else happened but when the guy let her teammates out, he was white as a sheet and sweating profusely.

Sakura doubted that her teammates, especially Naruto, would ever be afraid of Shikamaru, and nothing, _nothing_ would hold back Kakashi once he decided she was hurt.

Sasuke had been a safe bet because he was in Naruto's power and they both knew it. Poor Sasuke, to do as he was told, because he had no other home but this village and no family but his first genin team.

But that wasn't what Naruto was talking about.

Sakura furrowed her brows.

_The Kuramas._

She told Shikamaru that she could be ordered to do their bidding, and it was true – not something that happened often, but not unheard of, either. But Shikamaru said she had nothing to fear, the Kuramas would be sorry they ever bothered her.

Now Sakura asked herself the question that had been hovering in her mind ever since, somewhere just outside her conscious, lucid, logical thoughts.

_What if the clan in question were not the Kuramas but the Nara clan?_

She knew the answer at once. The Naras would not have messed it up, they would have had their way eventually - but they would operate in a different way.

The message was clear. _Don't make the Naras angry. _

Shikamaru, on his own, could easily manipulate her into anything he wanted her to do. He only had to lie. He chose not to, but the possibility was there.

Her teammates were afraid she would get hurt in a way that was more than just a heartbreak. The Naras could destroy her easily, with a smile, with a nod, if they didn't like what was happening.

If, for some reason, Shikamaru's parents did not want Shikamaru to date him... Or if Shikamaru got bored with her and decided that the whole thing wasn't worth the fuss...

It wasn't hard to imagine Shikaku Nara suggesting to the Council that it might be better in the long run to send Haruno-san for a while to another country as ambassador or to border patrol, maybe, as a med nin, after that ugly little affair with Uchiha-san. She wouldn't have to watch her ex parading around with another woman. It would be in her best interests. Poor little girl, and such a talented medic...

He could send her _anywhere _and the Council would not only approve – they would applaud.

And Shikamaru? He would have to go along with his father's decision. Clan leaders were like kings. Their rule was absolute. Sakura knew that if she ever had a dispute with the Nara clan, she would not stand a chance. What could she say anyway? From an outsider's point of view this wasn't a case of star-crossed lovers. Shikamaru and Sakura were nothing like Naruto and Hinata. Hyuuga-sama never _ever _wanted Naruto to be his daughter's boyfriend, even less a possible future son-in-law, but Naruto was a war hero and Hinata, once in her life, was very definite and articulate in her opinions and wishes, and her father thought things over and agreed to let them date. His smile looked a bit forced, but who cared?

But Shikamaru... Sakura took a fleeting look at the whole thing from an outsider's point of view. Shikamaru told her he loved her, but even he admitted that it all happened in a few weeks' time. She, on the other hand, had been dating another man a week ago. She was a talented medic, yes – but she had no money and her clan wasn't big or distinguished. It all came down to one thing – what Shikamaru would do when his father pointed out that he could do much, much better.

The question was, what weighed more – the things they all knew about the Nara clan or the things only she knew about Shikamaru.

She had to think this over. If Shikamaru didn't come this evening to pick her up, if he sent a message that unfortunately he had some important business elsewhere... maybe another time... or if he took her out and then said he was sorry, it was a mistake...

The very idea filled her with dread.

Everybody in the room was silent, even Naruto. They said what they came to say. Now it was her turn to weigh the arguments.

In one pan of the scale there was a heap of pebbles that looked small but Sakura knew they could weigh a ton.

In a shinobi village everyone was measured the same way – according to their ability to fight and win. If you were a shinobi, you were an asset only if you were a good warrior. Civilians were treated with politeness but they had no value as such. They were liabilities, not assets.

But there was, of course, another measuring stick. The clan.

There were famous clans and rich clans and historical clans in Konoha, but that again was something that only civilians would have thought important.

The shinobi had other traits to consider.

What should a clan be like to be respected by them? Oh, there were quite a few things to mention.

It should be a big clan. A clan of useful talents. A clan where the members were a close-knit community. A clan that was ruled with an iron hand.

A clan that possessed all these traits was a private army. Like the Hyuugas. Or the Aburames. Or the Naras.

The Nara clan was like a neutral country. Sakura knew from her history lessons that they carefully avoided taking sides in most conflicts, but if they did, it was always on the winning side. They didn't want power, they didn't want a leading role. They preferred to work from the shadows. Just like Shikamaru. Naras also thought that revenge was a dish best served cold. Ice-cold, if need be. They chose the weapons and the scene of the fight and the timing to their advantage, and the only thing that a Nara's true enemy could be sure of was that the Naras never forgot anything.

Consequently, people did not bother the Nara clan if it could be avoided. Everybody knew that some things were best left in peace. The Naras never meddled with anyone else's affairs, and they preferred that nobody meddle with theirs. Their clan disappeared from view whenever it was possible and grew in silence.

People understood that quite well. Men are like animals and they know it. Some people fight like lions, others are cunning as a snake or strong as a bear. That is all well and nice.

People instinctively left the Naras alone. Very few people are foolish enough to bother a nest of wasps just for fun.

Sakura thought of the last time when she was ordered to appear before the Council. She had to present the results of her research about an epidemic - a new type of flu that had very unpleasant side effects on anyone who had a certain level of chakra, but was very often deadly for those who didn't.

Sakura was used to talking in front of an audience but while she presented the problem, the process, the results of the research and the possible treatments, she was unusually nervous. The daimyo's representatives looked like stone statues. No sign of interest in the faces, no spark of enthusiasm when she announced that her research team was finally able to find the original source of the outbreak and identify the virus and consequently would be able to provide the necessary vaccine.

She remembered that when she was finished, a short break was announced and the council members went out to the corridor to have a smoke and a chat, just like any other people would between talks in a conference, and one of the daimyo's ambassadors turned to Shikaku Nara, Shikamaru's father, and asked with a friendly smile, "And how is your family? Your charming wife? And your son, I hope he's healthy? We still hope that one day we may persuade him to become one of the daimyo's guards!"

Shikaku Nara answered him and it was obvious that this wasn't just polite chitchat, this was a dialogue between equals.

_His father is a member of the Council. And when he retires, Shikamaru will be the head of the clan – and he'll be a Council member, too._

Oh, another thing. Aoi. What did Shikamaru say? " She married a paper-pusher in the damyo's court."

Of course, court officials sometimes did marry pretty little girls just because they were pretty.

_Yes, and sometimes landlords let a family with six children stay in the house even though they can't pay the rent, _Inner said. _It just doesn't happen often._

Aoi was pretty, but she wasn't that pretty, and courtiers and officials liked power and influence more than they liked beauty.

Money, on the other hand, could come quite handy if one wanted to have a career as a palace official. Nothing so crude as a bribe, of course. Oh no. Not in the daimyo's court. But quiet little parties with the appropriate guests... A nice house with carefully selected furniture to advertise the owner's impeccable taste... Some small presents for the colleagues and the bosses and, occasionally, flowers for the ladies... Yes, money could help a lot.

Sakura took a deep breath. She was starting to get scared.

_Shikamaru said that Aoi's family had money but Aoi's father still wanted a closer relationship with the Naras. _They had money_. Not "they were rich", or "they had a lot of money." But she had a dowry that was sufficiently large for a courtier. How much money are we talking about here? How much money do the _Naras _have that Shikamaru was not only unimpressed by her family's wealth, he never even gave a conscious thought to it?_

Sakura took another breath. Her hands felt cold.

_Shikamaru never asked the price of this dress that I'm wearing_, she thought. _I didn't, either – I knew that it was a designer dress so it was not for me and that was it. There was never a discussion about prices or money or a bill in the shop. Not even a number was ever mentioned. I should know, I was there. And he paid without a thought for all that stuff, the dress and the shoes and the rest. He just gave them that card and he never even thought about whether he would have enough money. He knew he would._

She looked around and counted the members of her team, one by one. Naruto, the offspring of parents who were famous and popular, but not rich. Being a Kage did not, in itself, bring wealth – a leader was usually too busy with the troubles of the community to spare a lot of time for their own affairs or make a lot of money. Naruto basically only possessed the clothes he wore. There was Sai, who had no family, no memories of them, not even a family name. Yamato, now out on a mission, another orphan, the only survivor of genetic experiments. Kakashi and Sasuke, both of them the last of their clan. Sakura didn't know if Kakashi had anything at all beside his personal possessions, but she strongly suspected he didn't. All he had left was his name and his reputation. Sasuke... he had the whole Uchiha compound, yes, but that was because no other clan was willing to move into a ghost town, and even like this, although he still had the land in his possession, the Council could have taken it all away with the flourish of a pen. They probably would have done so, and executed Sasuke, weren't it for three things – at first, it was his brother's deal with Konoha that protected him as long as Itachi was alive, then there was the need to preserve his bloodline – but the decider was the sheer stubbornness of Naruto who could be very insistent and who had the uncanny ability to make friends everywhere at the drop of a hat and also to destroy a village completely, once he set his mind on it, and the council wisely decided to let sleeping dogs lie and not to open a debate over something that nobody really wanted anyway.

Then she thought of her own family – her sweet, short-tempered, generous mother, her father with his slow speech and good humour and their small house and the things they never had and never missed.

_Sakura-chan, you're so naive... Yes, I am. I never thought about this. I never thought that Shikamaru was in any way different from us. He was just a friend. When I realized I was starting to fall in love with him this was something I never thought about. It's easy to forget that some families have more and others have less when we all live in the same way. But there are lots of people in Konoha who never forget this... I guess Sasuke was right in a way – I'm still childish and immature. I have no idea how things happen in real life. Just think of Shikamaru, his easy assurance, how he said, "oh, they will hold our table, no problem." Of course they would. All night, if need be. And of course Chouza could get him a table. He only had to say whom it was for. _

All the things she knew about the Nara family, all the information that she was able to recall in a second was irrelevant to Sakura until now, not something worth consideration. Now it was different. It was all different.

Shikamaru wore the jounin outfit day in, day out, just like his father. His parents were silent and reserved, but in their way friendly and very polite. The house they lived in was big, but not enormous. Everything in their life was understated and downplayed – low-key, low-cost, low-maintenance.

But behind the façade they presented to the world they were a big, wealthy, powerful clan with enormous influence. And Shikamaru was the next in line - he was going to be the head of the clan, and he took all his responsibilities seriously.

In one pan of the scale there was an enormous, terrible weight. _Everything _was there. Wealth. Influence. Power. Strength. Even his family was there, all the love and respect he felt for them and his clan. What was in the other pan, if anything?

_I love him._

It wasn't enough.

_He loves me, too. _

This was a last, desperate thought. At first it was worth about as much as "and we have the same friends, and we both like tempura, and I read about it in my horoscope!" But...

Like small drops of water, one by one, the memories came.

_Sweetheart, I'm not like him at all. Trust me. I won't break your heart... _

_I don't play games, not like that... _

_I'll take a good, hard look at all this, I promise. Don't cry, sweetheart... _

_When was the last time anybody took care of you? _

_I don't want to keep secrets from you. Not anymore... _

_As God sees my soul, I'll help you with all I've got and give you all I have!_

The drops were small and transparent and almost invisible but they were there.

_I have to make a decision. Again. I have to decide not only who I believe, but what I believe in. And I believe in Shikamaru and his honesty and his love for me more than I believe in anything else._

Of course, there was something else she had to consider - her own stupid, mindless behaviour, the way she just threw herself at Shikamaru. Like a tramp.

_He didn't have to promise me anything, _Sakura thought and she almost laughed._ Because I gave him all I had before he could even ask for it! Sex without strings? He had it. One-night-stand? He had it. He could have left things as they were. If he just wanted to spend the night with me, he could have. He could have played his cards in such a way that I would have been pleased to be his secret lover as long as he wanted. But he never did. On the contrary. Whenever I wanted out, he held me back. Whenever he could have aimed for unobtrusive, he chose to flaunt me, us, the two of us being together. He told me to stay and took me to his meadow and shouted at me and cursed me and broke into my apartment and held me with his shadows and bought me a dress and told me I was stupid and kissed me breathless._

Sakura was calm again. There was one last drop she needed to counterbalance all those terrible weights in the other pan.

"Naruto," she said quietly. "Just tell me one thing. I know you've seen Shikamaru with lots of different women. I believe you. But tell me one thing – have you ever seen him with a woman, any woman in these last few weeks? You know what I mean. Not colleagues or teammates or something like that. You know."

She waited. Naruto bit his lower lip, then slowly said, "No. Not in this last month or so. But..."

Sakura's sight blurred and she smiled.

It was all true. Everything Shikamaru said was true. Five weeks ago he fell in love with her and stopped. Just stopped.

The pan with the drops of water was moving down, slowly, triumphantly.

Naruto was still speaking and saying that Sakura had to think things over, and Sai said that he saw Sasuke with another girl several times, so maybe what Naruto thought did not matter anymore, and Sasuke grunted, then Naruto called Sai an idiot, and then Hinata said that Naruto was sometimes quite like her father who could never believe that he could be wrong, and then Naruto said that that wasn't true at all, and Kakashi said that they were making such noise that the neighbours would surely complain and Sakura would be evicted, and then everyone went silent at the same time.

The knock on the door came as an afterthought and Sakura was so lost in her thoughts that she just stood there with unseeing eyes, not moving an inch. It was Hinata who went to open the door.


	15. Chapter 15

Sakura turned back slowly. The door was open, Hinata was standing in the doorway, one hand on the doorknob, the other one fluttering in the air uncertainly like a tired bird. Sakura could read her like a book – her hesitation, her fear, her wish that nobody be hurt or unhappy, least of all Naruto.

Shikamaru was standing next to Hinata in his usual way, slouching a little, his eyes sleepy, a half-smile on his lips. He was wearing an expensive-looking dark grey suit with a charcoal tie and Sakura's heart leapt. He was so handsome and so elegant and so calm and just so... so...

She felt the corners of her eyes brimming with tears again.

The air in the room was suddenly thick with tension.

_If feelings were visible like colours in the air, this room would look like a rainbow gone mad, _Inner said.

Shikamaru gently pushed Hinata to one side and went straight to Sakura. He looked in her face and his eyes narrowed slightly.

"Did they give you grief because of me?" he asked. His voice was not nervous or angry, it was his usual lazy drawl, but now Sakura could see under the surface and all her senses screamed "danger".

"No," she lied at once, blindly, unhesitatingly.

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow.

"Then why are you crying?" he asked.

"I'm not," Sakura said and looked straight back at him, raising her face a little and looking up so that the tears would stay safely in her eyes.

"Then what are these?" he asked, his finger touching her cheek, the corner of her left eye. "The latest fashion? Crystal drops on your eyelashes? Aesthetically very pleasing, no doubt, but not my taste. Not on your face."

Sakura had no idea what to answer. The tension in the room went up a notch and she had no idea what was happening.

"Naruto," Shikamaru said quietly and turned to the blond man. "Don't make her cry. I won't, either."

Naruto slowly raised his eyes to Shikamaru's face and they watched each other for a moment, neither of them blinking or looking away.

Then Naruto slowly nodded, and Shikamaru repeated his movement a moment later. The air in the room trembled like air in a heatwave over the road as several people sighed silently and Sakura found she could breathe again, too.

A moment ago she had been sure that she was standing between shinobi who were ready to kill or maim each other and she had no idea what she was expected to do.

She felt a slight, cool touch on her feet. She looked down. She was standing in a pool of shadows, but they were not binding her. On the contrary. They were surrounding her like the flames of a fire. Her eyes followed the line of a thin black shadow back to Shikamaru. He had no pool of shadows around him.

She had only seen this kind of shadow once, when the Hokage and the daimyo himself were both present in a peace conference, and they both had a Nara guarding them. It was called the Wall of Shadows.

This wasn't a form of attack. It was only used for defense and was rumoured to be unpenetrable as long as the shadow user was alive, and even if the guard was killed, the shadow wall still stayed intact, did not dissolve for minutes.

Only members of the Nara clan were able to provide this kind of perfect safety, and only a handful of them because it was a very difficult and very dangerous skill to perform that could burn up its user's energy in a very short time, and left very little strength for self-defense.

_All his strength is around me,_ she thought, amazed. _He didn't care if he was attacked, only that I would be protected, no matter what._

She looked around.

_They know it, too._

Everybody seemed pale and tense, except her sensei - who was, she was sure, grinning under the mask.

She looked at Shikamaru again and saw him smile back at Kakashi, a bit embarrassed.

_I wish they would stop that, _Inner hissed. _It's like they had a language of their own called testosterone. I'm not going to go along with this "poor little woman, she doesn't need to know" routine, I'm telling you now!_

Sakura absolutely agreed with her, but maybe this wasn't the moment to bring that up. She was glad that at last the killer intent in the room seemed to fall back to a normal level – normal, at least, in the circumstances, considering they were shinobi.

Better to find some kind of distraction.

She looked around and discovered, to her surprise, that Shikamaru was holding something in his hand, something she did not notice until now.

Some kind of shinobi I am, she thought guiltily. But still...

_Ah-ha, _Inner purred. _Now we're talking._

"You brought me flowers," Sakura said slowly, uncertainly. "How nice of you."

"Hag has a knack for stating the obvious," Sai said in a voice that was meant to be chatty and personal.

"Shut up, Sai," two male voices whispered in unison.

"I just thought I would mention it," Sai said. He seemed hurt. "You know, to restart the conversation. It is a polite thing to mention something pleasant after an embarrassing moment. Like when you think that your teammate's new boyfriend is a jerk. _And _his penis is bigger than yours. _And _you want to tear his head off."

"Shut up, will you?" one of the voices said, still in a whisper, while the other one said, bored, "He's an idiot. He won't stop talking until we push his stupid sketchbook down his throat."

Sakura would have liked to carry on her own conversation with her boyfriend, which, she felt, was much more interesting and hopefully would have at least a_ little_ romantic potential to boast with later (mostly to Ino, of course - and skipping the part when all the boys were glaring at each other like actors in a bad gangster movie) but nobody seemed to care.

"You two of small penises can't tell me when to speak," Sai stated.

"My penis is long enough so I could put it around your neck and strangle you with it," one of the boys grumbled. "Oh, sorry, Hinata-chan. I didn't mean..."

"Oh, Naruto, it's all r-right... I know... I mean I know you didn't m-mean it, not that your... oh..."

Hinata's voice slowly faltered to nothing.

Sakura looked back as a reflex to see if Hinata would faint but she didn't, she just went red as a beetroot.

"Anyway, don't say the p-word in front of Hinata," Naruto said, looking at Sai with hardly suppressed anger.

"Why can't I say penis when you just said it, Naruto? Anyway, it's a medical term so it's not offensive," Sai said in a self-satisfied voice. "I asked Hag and that's what she said. She said it was a neutral expression."

"That doesn't mean that you have to use it all the time, idiot," Sasuke said.

"Just one more word and I'll beat up all of you, got it?" Sakura hissed, her patience running short. "This was supposed to be a romantic moment and you're trying to spoil it."

She looked at Shikamaru again, afraid that he would be angry but he was trying not to smile.

"It's fine," he said softly. He raised his left hand and touched her cheek, then her lips, a butterfly touch, full of tenderness. "Nothing could spoil this for me. I'm sorry if you feel..."

"No," Sakura whispered. "Nothing could spoil it for me, either. I'm so glad you're here!"

With a childish, clumsy gesture she grabbed the lapels of his suit, pulled him closer and kissed him.

Everybody in the room went silent.

Sakura let him go and took a step back, a bit uncertain but still happy.

Shikamaru's face was full of that strange warmth that she had never seen on him before the previous night.

He stepped back, too, and raised the flowers and Sakura took them, and with an automatic gesture smelled the bouquet and she smiled again at Shikamaru, she wanted to say 'thank you, how beautiful' or something like that, but...

The bouquet was big. Too big, actually.

_How strange._

Sakura furrowed her eyebrows.

She knew a lot about flowers. Ino loved to hear her own voice and Sakura liked to learn new things, and her memory was exceptionally good. Sakura remembered how Ino once described to her the regular first-date-bouquet - she remembered every word.

"A bouquet for a first date should be small but exquisite," Ino stated while her clever hands snipped off leaves and thorns and arranged the flowers. "Sometimes it is even better if it's not elegant, but charming and personal – if the man in question knows her favourite flowers, for example, or her favourite colours, or if the flowers are associated with an event that was important for her or for both of them. But on a regular first date, a man doesn't really know that much about the woman. So the basic rules are – you use either roses or carnations, preferably three or five of them but it should always be an odd number, and the flowers should be pink or white. If the man is sure of the lady's feelings, they may be red."

Shikamaru was sitting there in the shop, too, reading a scroll, and he looked up at Ino and snorted.

Ino put her hands on her hips and glared at him.

"One day you'll be begging me to make a bouquet for your beloved, and you know what I'll say?" she said with glee. "I'll say _no way_, lazyass, it's out of the question!"

"Well, if you ask me, to buy anything for a first date is a waste of time and money," Shikamaru said, his dark, almond-shaped eyes shining with mischief. "One can't tell in advance if the relationship is going to work out. Anyway, most girls are smart enough not to expect anything, either. But if I ever wanted to date you, Ino, I'd definitely buy you a cactus for the first date. A big cactus."

Shikamaru could move fast if he wanted to, Sakura remembered with a smile. This was one of those occasions because Ino threw the order book at him and he ducked, and the book hit the wall behind him a millisecond later.

_He knows just as much about flowers as I do,_ Sakura thought. _He spent a lot of time with Ino in the shop when they were kids. Then why...?_

She took a closer look at the bouquet. It was a swirl of colours, asymmetric in shape, but at the same time very pleasant to look at.

_Like an Impressionist painting,_ Sakura thought. Most of the flowers were red, peach, pink and white, arranged in such a way that the transition between the shades seemed to form little spirals, but there were also small spots of yellow, purple and blue scattered between. It was a rich and peaceful sight that she could watch for hours and never feel bored or unhappy. _It's like his meadow, _Sakura thought and smiled.

Still, it was a very strange bouquet. Sakura had never seen one like it before. She recognized Ino's touch – her skill was unique, it was impossible to mistake her work for someone else's. But the flowers… she needed all that skill to put together such different flowers and still maintain some kind of harmony. It was a wild mixture of small flowers and long-stemmed flowers, simple garden flowers and exotic, costly flowers. Konoha had a very mild climate and most flowers blossomed throughout the year, but still there were some plants and flowers that had to be imported or specially grown in hothouses by the Yamanakas, and they didn't come cheap. Sakura, at a glance, could identify at least three of these in the swirl of colours.

There were some silk flowers in the bouquet, too, she noticed now – beautiful, quality work, but artificial.

What could be so important about a flower that if the shop didn't have it, it couldn't be replaced with another kind, something with more or less the same colour and appearance?

This wasn't just an ordinary bunch of flowers for a first date.

There was a message somewhere, hidden inside.

Sakura looked at Shikamaru but he gave no help. His eyes were smiling but his mouth was not.

She tried to remember the alphabet of flowers – once, ages ago, in pre-Sasuke and just-started-the-Academy time, Ino told her about it all.

"The rose is the key," she heard Ino's voice. It was a child's voice. "Are you listening at all, Sakura? Red rose means love. A single red rose…"

She looked down. The rose was there, the centrepiece of the whole composition. Just one. There was a yellow and a purplish flower entwined around it. The yellow was easy enough, a daffodil. It was the flower of her birth month.

The purple one…

"Aster," Ino's voice chirped in from a distance, another time and place. "My birthday flower is the aster. I was born in September. Ugly enough, don't you think?"

Shikamaru was born in September, too.

It was as if all the light in the room was lighting up the bouquet of flowers in her hand.

_Love. Two people in love. One born in September, one in March._

She recognized more of the flowers now that she had the key to the code. Each flower and plant had more than one meaning, it all depended on how those meanings were combined and enhanced and accentuated…

Daisy. Innocence and loyal love. Gladiolus. Sincerity and admiration. Juniper. Protection. Red camellia. You're a flame in my heart. Fern. Sincerity. Primrose. I can't live without you.

Her heart was beating so fast that she could hardly breathe.

Alyssum. Worth beyond beauty. Moss rose. Confession. Arbutus. I love you and only you. Veronica. Fidelity.

Red chrysanthemum. Lots of it.

I love.

The whole bouquet was a confession of love. The flowers were more eloquent than any lover could ever be.

But there was something else here. Something that wasn't easily noticeable at first sight, something that was a lot more subtle and a lot more important.

There were other flowers hidden there that were suppressed, almost invisible next to the flamboyant red beauty of the love confession but once you looked carefully, they were impossible to miss.

The scent... The sweet, innocent, tentative and fearful confession of an emotion that went deeper and dangerously close to one's heart and soul.

Honeysuckle. Bonds of love. Lemon blossoms. Faithful love.

And the flowers that could be so easily overlooked… that girls always knew of but hardly ever took a close look at to recognize them if they were placed in a random bunch of flowers. Easily mistaken for something else, overlooked, forgotten…

Orange blossom. Marriage and fruitfulness. Jasmine. Attachment. Green boughs of myrtle. Love in marriage. And the whole bouquet was decorated with heart-shaped leaves of deep green.

Ivy. Fidelity and wedded love.

Sakura did not notice at first that she was crying. The tears were not hot against her face, they felt cold, so they went unnoticed. It was her heart that was so hot it burned.

She looked at Shikamaru, wanting to hope but afraid to do so, but his smile was lighting up the room more than all the sunshine in the world.

"Do you… do you really…"

She wasn't sure what she wanted to ask but there was no need as he did not let her finish.

"I didn't actually count on having an audience," he said in a slightly shaky voice. "Bother. Troublesome…"

He sighed.

"Never mind."

Sakura heard the knock on the door and the excited voices on the other side of it, but her attention was wholly absorbed by the man standing next to her.

Her senses were closing down. The opening and closing of a door, Ino's shrieking ("Are we late? Are we? No? I wanted to see this!") went unnoticed, just like Chouji's grunts and Hinata's soft voice. The only person who counted, the only person who was real and alive and had sharp outlines was standing next to her, smiling, and then he was taking something out of his pocket and he was opening the small box while he was gracefully going down on one knee.

"Sakura Haruno – will you do me the unspeakable honour of giving me your hand in marriage – for eternity?"

For a moment she thought she would not be able to speak. His smile never wavered.

"Yes," she said. "Oh yes. My God, yes!"

Then she was somehow, in a strange and utterly unique and 'oh God, this has never happened to anyone before' kind of way in his arms and he was kissing her with a fervour that left them both breathless.

"Your hand," Shikamaru reminded her gently when he broke the kiss.

She was so dazed, she had no idea what he meant.

When she raised her right hand without thinking, he laughed.

"Not this one, sweetheart. The other one."

Sakura blushed and she almost dropped the bouquet – her hands were shaking. He held her hand and slowly slipped the ring on her finger then he couldn't resist and kissed her again.

"If you don't like the ring, I can buy you another one," he said. The way he looked into her eyes… Sakura was sure she would never ever be able to eat chocolate again without remembering this moment, the sweet chocolate brown of his eyes, the delicious, deep, rich lilt of his voice. "It used to belong to my grandma… she had small hands like you. But it's an old-fashioned ring… I just didn't have the time…"

Sakura raised her hand again to see the ring better and turned it this way and that so that the light would sparkle up all the gems. It was an old-fashioned ring, true – a ridiculously big diamond in the middle and small emeralds and even smaller diamonds forming a pattern of leaves and flowers around it.

She looked at him and smiled.

"Shikamaru, my darling," she said softly. "Please don't be ridiculous. I love this ring."

"That's good. Because you're going to have the whole set," Shikamaru said in a distracted way, watching the ring on her hand sparkle like fire.

"Huh?"

"I couldn't bring them 'cause mother wants to give them to you personally as a present to wear at your wedding. Our wedding, I mean. There's a necklace and a bracelet and earrings, I think. The whole works."

"Is that where you've been?" she asked hesitantly. "At your parents' house, asking them for permission?"

Shikamaru looked at her.

"Yes, I went to see my parents, and no, I didn't ask for their permission. I just told them that I was going to marry you as soon as possible and my decision was final. They said fine, son, a good choice, congratulations. They like you, haven't I told you before? Then I had to find a ring and I thought I would have to have one of the shops opened, but then my mother said that I should take a look at my grandmother's jewels and that was that. I'm glad she was right and you like the ring. So, when do you want to get married, love?"

"Tomorrow."

Sakura knew somewhere in the back of her mind that there were people sitting and standing around her in her living room and they were either watching her with their mouths open like it was the daily dose of their favourite soap opera or they were giving out noises that ranged from whimpers to shrieks but she just couldn't care.

Shikamaru laughed.

"We can't get married tomorrow, sweetheart. I'd love to, but my parents would just kill me. Yours too, by the way. We have to have a big wedding. The whole village and then some invited and stuff. And I'm afraid I can't even offer you to choose between modern and traditional. My parents would just bite through my throat if I tried to argue against traditional. So sorry, love. I'll try to make up for it."

Sakura looked at him. For the first time in her life she could really imagine what it would be like to be walking on a cloud.

"I don't mind at all. A traditional wedding is fine with me. My mom has a really beautiful red-and-gold kimono that she got married in."

"That could be the second kimono you wear. And the third kimono will be a present from my family," Shikamaru said in a warm voice. "With my family crest… Sakura Nara."

"So I'll only have to buy a white one."

Someone cleared his throat. It was Kakashi, standing next to them, his right eye in a crinkly smile, amused, surprised… but his voice was serious.

"I think some serious congratulations are in order. I wish you both the greatest of happiness. Sakura… I don't know how to say this… you're like a daughter to me and… never mind. I just wanted to tell you that I happen to have a white kimono…it once belonged to my mother. I'd be very happy if you accepted it as a wedding present."

Sakura did something that she rarely ever did to Kakashi. She hugged him. It was only a short, impulsive gesture, and she felt Kakashi go rigid, then he sighed and his arms were closing around her, hugging her back. She never would have thought…

"Thank you, sensei," she whispered. "Thank you. I feel the same. You're too young to be my father… but you're family all right. Maybe an older brother?"

He smiled again. "My, my," he mused aloud. "I'm going to blush. I never thought you'd be so positively biased. I was sure you thought I was an old pervert."

There is a limit to general goodwill, Sakura thought.

"You are," she said. "And chronically late and infuriating in a thousand ways. But it doesn't matter. I still like you a lot. When can I see that kimono?"

"Our Sakura," Kakashi said and stepped back, probably having satisfied all his emotional needs for the next decade. "Always so practical. Well, I'll talk to your fiancé and settle a date with him when you can both take a look at the kimono and decide."

Sakura saw Kakashi's visible eye dart to Shikamaru and back to her. She looked at Shikamaru. She could argue that it was her present and she would be the one to decide, but she wanted Shikamaru to come with her. He would settle things for the best.

"Would tomorrow afternoon be convenient, Kakashi sensei?" Shikamaru asked politely. "If your present has to be cleaned or repaired, I don't want to get it done in a rush. Your gift must shine in its full splendour at the wedding."

"But she hasn't decided to wear it yet," Kakashi said in a half-questioning tone.

Shikamaru raised his eyebrows.

"But she has. Haven't you, Sakura?"

They both turned to her.

"Yes, I have," she said, smiling at Shikamaru. He knew her, really and truly knew her. He knew that Kakashi's gift wasn't just a piece of clothing, that it was a gesture that meant a lot more to her, it showed that she was family to him. The kimono being a family heirloom only made the gesture more pronounced. It was a palpable evidence of that half-sentence, "like a daughter." She would wear it, no matter what state it was in. Her sensei would never give her a gift that was less than marvelous, she was sure about that, but old silk was a very vulnerable thing and that kimono was probably very old if once it had belonged to Kakashi's mother. Shikamaru would make sure that if anything had to be done, it would get done properly and in time.

Oh, how she loved this man.

Shikamaru nodded, as if he could hear her thoughts. "That's why we have to see if there should be any repairs or changes done."

Kakashi watched them as if he saw both of them for the first time. "Children do grow up, don't they," he said in a low voice.

Shikamaru's hand gripped her waist a shade stronger.

_That's it,_ Sakura thought. _That will be my wedding present to my husband. I'll stop using birth control on the day of the wedding. He will have the children he so desperately wants._

She smiled to herself and felt Shikamaru look at her, closely, then Kakashi, too, then she saw Kakashi's questioning look, Shikamaru's almost invisible shrug.

_So much about being a genius,_ Sakura thought. _They are still men and they haven't the slightest idea what I'm thinking about. In a month I'll be a married woman, and married to Shikamaru Nara, no less. Wow. And in two months' time I might be pregnant already. _

The next one to congratulate them was Chouji, pulling them both in a bear hug.

"Shika, you sly dog," he said, his deep voice rumbling with laughter.

Ino hurriedly hugged Shikamaru and patted his back, like she would pat a horse. "Good boy."

Then she all but threw herself at Sakura and shrieked, "I knew it! I knew it! And isn't this bouquet beautiful? You have no idea how difficult it was to combine all the flowers he wanted me to put into it! And there were quite a few that I couldn't find or buy anywhere! The shop was already closed and I was ready to go for a date with Chouji when Shikamaru appeared and made such a ruckus that I had to open the shop for his sake! Wow… this ring is beautiful! And you're wearing a Misaka, don't think for a moment that I haven't noticed! I hate you, Sakura! It's such a fairytale, isn't it? Chouji! Why can't you do something romantic like this?"

Sakura tried to interrupt her several times to say that she truly appreciated her work and she loved the ring, too and… but it was next to hopeless, and then there was Hinata hugging her and saying "It's so wonderful! Oh, I wish I…" and she blushed and looked at Naruto, and Chouji said in a whisper meant only for Shikamaru, "Man… if you weren't my best friend I'd so hate you now. You raised the stakes for all of us…"

Sakura turned around slowly while the others were happily and noisily talking about the wedding and decorations and about who would be best man. Sai and Sasuke were still sitting on the sofa, Sai sketching busily, Sasuke just sitting patiently, his face bored and arrogant, as usual. Naruto was standing next to them, his face distorted with conflicting emotions.

"Congratulations," he said, trying to sound happy. "It's just… it's a bit sudden… but I guess… I…"

Sakura felt a warm wave of tenderness and love for Naruto engulf her and her eyes teared up again. Naruto wanted her so much to be happy. But he wanted her so much to be happy with one particular person - if not with him, then at least with his best friend.

"Naruto," Sakura said softly. She hugged Naruto and felt him shaking. "Oh, Naruto. Please, try to understand. I know you wanted Sasuke and me to be happy together, but we weren't. We just weren't, love. But I'm happy with Shikamaru. For the first time in my life I'm really happy, I'm in love and he loves me, too. But you're still my family – you and Kakashi and Sai and Yamato… and Sasuke, too. And I'm not angry with him, see? I have no reason to. And he's not angry with me, either. Are you angry with me, Sasuke?"

Sasuke looked at her and for a moment there was something shining in those black eyes – understanding, a hint of gentleness, a spark of humour, and he said, "No. I'm not."

Naruto looked at Sasuke, then back at Sakura. He stepped back from her and nodded.

_I'm not going to cry,_ Sakura thought. _I'm not going to be sad. Not on this day. But how could I make him understand? _

She felt Shikamaru's calming presence next to her before he started speaking, but he wasn't talking to her. He was talking to Naruto.

"It's true, Naruto," he said, pulling Sakura into an embrace. "I love her. I love her more than anything or anybody in this whole world. And for that sole reason I simply cannot imagine that anybody she considers important to her, be it friend or family, would not be welcome in my house."

Naruto looked up, frowning.

Sakura sighed.

"He means we, that is, the original team seven and Sai and Yamato will still meet every week. Like we do now. And I'll cook. Like I always do. Only now we'll have more room. I was thinking of moving into a bigger apartment anyway. Only now I'll move in with Shika."

Shikamaru cleared his throat. "Not quite, love."

"What do you mean? You don't want me to move in with you?" Sakura asked with a frown.

"I do want you to move in with me, of course. But I think it might be better to wait until we get married. If we're lucky, the house will be ready by then."

Sakura turned to look at Shikamaru.

"The house?"

Now it was Shikamaru's turn to frown.

"I thought we agreed on that, sweetheart. You said you wanted a garden, didn't you? I have some spots in mind on the Nara estate you could choose from. You'll choose the location and I'll make the plans."

"Not the meadow," Sakura said decidedly. "That place is much too beautiful to be ruined by a house."

"Agreed," Shikamaru said. "I want to have a rose garden, too," he added as an afterthought and flashed a wicked smile to Sakura.

Sakura blushed vividly, much to Ino's interest.

"A rose garden? And a house, too? Choujiii!"

Chouji made a grimace toward Shikamaru. Kakashi was definitely smirking under the mask.

Naruto lost some of his worried look and was beginning to grasp the situation. "But that's great, Sakura! Shikamaru will build you a house? And we'll all be invited to the wedding?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure," Shikamaru said in a weary voice. "Man, we've been discussing this for the better part of half an hour. Glad you've joined us at last."

"Idiot," Sasuke grumbled in a half-voice. "Never listens."

_There's something else to be done here,_ Sakura thought. She opened her arms toward Sasuke.

"Wish me happiness," she said simply and waited.

Sasuke stood up and embraced her, carefully. "I wish you both all the best," he said. He took a deep breath. "And I'm sorry."

Sakura looked at him. He wasn't very good at these things. He made an effort here, even if no one else saw this.

"It's all right," she said almost silently. "You're still a member of my team and my friend. Just like Naruto or Sai. Okay?"

He nodded.

Naruto joined the others who were gathering around Chouji – he produced a bottle of champagne from somewhere and Ino and Hinata were distributing the glasses.

In the loud and happy confusion of toasts, cheers, jokes and Naruto trying to talk Kakashi into taking off his mask for a moment, Shikamaru unobtrusively pulled Sakura into a corner that was slightly less busy than the rest of her living room.

Sakura watched him – this man with the dark hair and the dark eyes and the brilliant mind, the strategist who made the plans that kept Konoha safe in war and in peace, the man who was still willing to risk his life every time Konoha needed him to, and not because he wanted fame or because he had nothing to lose or because the source of his courage was ignorance but because it was his duty.

"Were you planning to do this all along?" Sakura asked.

Shikamaru did not pretend to be confused or having no idea what she was talking about.

"I started to think about marriage and such when you were still with Sasuke," he said in his usual quiet way. "Forgive me for saying so, but even putting my personal opinion and feelings aside, I still think that your marriage to him would have been a disaster, and I couldn't help thinking about how you and I were much better suited in everything like taste and lifestyle and way of thinking. I'm still a lazy guy, you know," Shikamaru said and smiled, and his smile did all kinds of strange things to Sakura's heart. "I mean, I could imagine falling in love with someone like Ino with whom I have very little in common – you know what I mean. People do that all the time. They are madly in love, and are burning with lust, and the other person is just so-o-oo wonderful – but they never really find a mutual interest, a subject they can always talk about, something that has nothing to do with sex. With you, there would be no awkward silence in the mornings. It's much easier this way."

"When I was a kid, on Sundays I always woke up later than my parents," Sakura said tentatively. "Then I smelled the coffee and I could hear them talking and laughing in the kitchen. It was... it was a sort of private time for them."

Shikamaru nodded. There was no need for further explanations.

"But why this way?" Sakura asked. "Why the flowers? Why now?"

"Why wait?" Shikamaru asked. "I knew what I wanted, I've known that for a while. Why waste our time?"

"But the flowers... Very romantic and everything, but... Was it because we talked about the alphabet of flowers?" Sakura said hesitatingly.

Shikamaru smiled again.

"I just thought that this way if you were not ready for something like this, I mean, emotionally or whatever, then you could just pretend not to notice. Or you genuinely wouldn't notice," he added after thinking for a few seconds. "I never saw anybody who could misinterpret or ignore things like you. It's almost a talent of yours."

Sakura blushed deeply.

"In fact," Shikamaru continued relentlessly, "the only thing that pushed me to hurry was that I wanted to fix things _before_ they were broken, so to speak. I was sure that in the few hours' time we had to spend separately, you'd manage to invent a nice little conspiracy theory that would send me spinning again if I wasn't fast enough."

"It wasn't me," Sakura mumbled defensively. "It was Naruto."

They both looked at the Evil Mastermind of Conspiracy Theories who, at the moment, was trying to extricate his thumb from the neck of the empty champagne bottle.

So far, it was not a success story.

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow and said sarcastically, "Good to know. You know, I was almost sure that all my teachings about strategy and tactical planning and such were wasted on Naruto. I would have sworn that to him all my advice sounded like 'blah-blah-blah-ATTACK-blah-blah-blah-KILL-blah-blah-blah-BATTLE,' etcetera, etcetera. I'm relieved to hear that he actually profited from my lessons and as to his conspiracy theory..."

"Oh, give it a rest. I didn't say it was a very good one," Sakura interrupted him angrily. "You're such a prick."

Shikamaru laughed and said sweetly, "Oh, those first terms of endearment of a soon-to-be married couple. Sai seems to have a positive influence on you. Anyway, last night I didn't hear you complain..."

Sakura stood on tiptoe and pulled him to her and kissed him forcefully. He was sweet and unbearable and funny and clever and occasionally a stupid, proud, overbearing macho prick, and he was her man and he would soon be her husband and all was well in the world.

"Sai has nothing to do with my manners," she said when she let him go. She was still reeling a bit from the kiss but she tried to seem unaffected beacuse Shikamaru didn't have to know _everything_. "If I want to call you names, I'll call you names and I don't need anybody's help!" Sakura continued.

Shikamaru grinned.

Sakura looked around hurriedly, looking for something that would distract him from pursuing this discussion any further.

Sai wasn't that bad, anyway. In these last years he learned a lot about people and relationships. Sai was okay.

Speaking of Sai… He was still drawing busily. What the hell was he doing anyway?

"Hey Sai," Sakura began. Sai fitted into her team very well, she thought. They were all weird and infuriating in different ways.

"Oh, Hag," Sai said with a false smile. "I…"

"You call me Hag again and you'll lose some minor, not very important part of your body. Like your balls," Sakura said without any real stress. "What are you doing?"

He flipped his sketchbook open a few pages back and handed it to her.

It was a drawing about Shikamaru and her. Shikamaru giving her the flowers, his face a mixture of anticipation, wonder and fear. Her own face, enraptured, amazed, full of doubt and hope. The flowers were in the center of the picture but the two faces were turning toward each other.

It was a very good drawing.

Sakura turned the page. It was Shikamaru and her again, kissing, only his back and his ponytail and her arms around his neck and a tiny part of her profile showing. Even if she knew nothing about the two people in the picture it would have been clear that it was the single most important moment in their life, the way he held her close, the way her hands were grasping his shoulders.

"Oh Sai…" Sakura whispered. "These are truly beautiful. Oh God…"

"There are some more. When he does that ridiculous pose with the box and when he puts the ring on your finger. I'll make final versions of them, finish the background and stuff," Sai said, not without satisfaction. "I thought you might like to have a copy of them."

Sakura put down the sketchbook and hugged Sai in a hurry. "Oh Sai, you're wonderful!"

"Yes, yes. You don't look bad in these pictures, Hag," Sai commented. "Not as ugly as usual."

"Sai, you… you…" Sakura seethed silently. "I don't know whether to kill you or kiss you."

"Kill him," said Naruto and Sasuke at once.

"Definitely not before he finishes those drawings," Sakura said. She turned to Shikamaru. "We could hang them all in the living room."

"Your team members?" Shikamaru said, feigning disinterest. "I know that interior decoration is usually the female's prerogative but don't you think that might look awkward?"

"Idiot," Sakura said lovingly. "You only do this to rile me up," she added and kissed him.

"What, Sakura-chan? You don't hit him? Why? It's unfair!" Naruto whined.

"On the other hand," Sakura mused aloud, "I might insist on hanging some team members as decoration. But we should silence them first."

"Sounds troublesome," Shikamaru said. "I still think we'd be better off with the drawings."

"Drawings it is, then," Sakura sighed. "You always ruin my fun."

"Not always," Shikamaru whispered.

They both smiled and the sun lit up the room once more before the Earth turned a tiny bit and dusk started to stretch up the walls toward the roofs in cold, blue and gray shadows.

* * *

><p><em>There is something that I see<em>

_In the way you look at me_

_There's a smile, there's a truth_

_In your eyes_

_What an unexpected way_

_On this unexpected day_

_Could it be this is where I belong_

_It is you I have loved all along_

_There's no more mystery, it is finally clear to me_

_You're the home my heart searched for so long_

_And it is you I have loved_

_It is you I have loved_

_It is you I have loved all along_


End file.
